AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

[DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone]

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

[newnortherner111]

Should we not be asking the same of the man who is in bed with his wife having lied through his teeth and been with someone else? For example, a man who leaves his wife who is having cancer treatment for someone over 20 years younger than himself?

[JellyNo15]

Grade A bitch but he is the cheater.

[Blossomtoes]

but why do you think anyone should care about people they don't know? Why should they put complete strangers above themselves exactly?

Because it’s the difference between being a responsible human being and an arsehole. No wonder the world’s in such a fucking mess if people really think like this.

[Geamhradh]

@DinosaurDiana

Daily Mail journalist ?

I'd say so.

[Illogicalmadness]

Best ask at 10 Downing Street for your article fodder..... ...

[Bluetrews25]

She's probably so shagged out that she can't help but sleep.
HTH

[aiwblam]

I don't think any OW are really going to have much of a justification for being involved in the destruction of families. I think that sometimes a younger OW can be a bit naive, perhaps they don't know what it's like to have small kids and they believe all the cliched lies that cheating men spout (no sex, never loved wife, I'm so sad, blah blah lying blah).

But I should imagine they sleep the same way as most shitty people do. What about people who steal things from others or are just cheeky fuckers taking from friends, or people who shout abuse at randomers in the street, or any form of shitting on other people to get something they want for themselves. OW must sleep the same way as these shitty people.

[DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone]

Gosh people are so shitty on here. I’m certainly NOT a journalist. I’ve come back from my cousins who’s world has fallen apart & judging by some of the heartless comments on here I have little faith in humanity. This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child, I know he’s a grade A d*ck head in this situation. I legit wanted to know woman to woman, how the hell you feel happy to shag a married man? Do these women enjoy the chase & then F off once the damage is done? Or do they expect to live happily with a man who’s cheated & assume he’s not going to be a wanker & just do the same to her as soon as he’s fed up again?!

[Illogicalmadness]

Tbh nobody is going to admit that they're the OW on mumsnet so YABU for asking the question.

[Antwerpen]

Always blame the women .
It’s the married men that should bear the blame.

[BlueLobelia]

@VladmirsPoutine

Not every OW knows she's an OW, a lot of men spin lies to their OW including: 'the marriage is dead', 'we're getting divorced soon', 'I don't love her anymore', so it looks like the relationship is all but dead in the water and the only thing left are pretty much just the formalities of divorce. Of course every circumstance is different but I don't think in the main there are hordes of OW bursting with glee at the chance of breaking up a family.

One other thing and I've said this before: It's not the OW that took the vows.

i agree with this.

[pinkcircustop]

This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child

So what if she did? They’re not her wife and child. She didn’t force him to fuck her.

[doudouchouchou]

It's forbidden fruit. Knowing you have the power to turn the man's head, proves you still 'have it'.

That's how I have understood it, anyway

[Blossomtoes]

@pinkcircustop

This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child

So what if she did? They’re not her wife and child. She didn’t force him to fuck her.

Oh do give over. Nobody forced her to let him either.

[DrSbaitso]

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it.

Yes, you are. Acknowledging your sexism and man-pandering doesn't change the fact of it.

This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child, I know he’s a grade A dck head in this situation. I legit wanted to know woman to woman, how the hell you feel happy to shag a married man?*

Stop stop stop it. It makes me so sick. Your cousin's shitbag of a husband knew at least as well as the OW that he had a wife and family and if they didn't matter to him, why should they matter more to her?

He is absolutely 100% responsible for shitting on his family and one reason why men like him do it is because people like you dilute that responsibility. You give a quick lip service to how he's bad so that you can clear the way to aim 90% of the venom at the woman. It's sexist, it's misogynistic, and it works to the advantage of shitbag men.

Stop it right now. And stop justifying it. He is a shit. She could shag anyone in the world, it's nothing to your cousin until her shitbag husband decides he's going to do it. Ask him how he sleeps. The answer will be "safe in the knowledge that women will be blamed".

[AngryWhompingWillow]

@ClemDanFango

You’ll get a lot “she didn’t make any vows to the wife, she’s done nothing wrong” etc…
But morally it’s a shitty thing to be party to regardless, I couldn’t knowingly be party to causing another person heartache and upset regardless if I have a responsibility to them or not.

This. ^ 100% agree. She is as bad as him, and if MY husband was playing away like this, as far as I'm concerned, she can have him. I wouldn't fight for him. A person has checked out of a marriage when they stray, and it's game over IMO. I'd pack his bags for him, and message her saying 'you're welcome to him. You deserve each other...'

[BlueLobelia]

Anyway, I can offer a perpsective of my two closest friends who were both OW.

The first did not know it. She was told marriage was dead. He lived in a flat during the week and had to go home at weekends to 'keep up appearances for the children'. She was head in the sand but devastated.

Second friend has massive massive massive self esteem issues. She liked to think she would be 'picked'. She was unable to entertain a relationship with someone genuinely available because she was a strange combination of fearing it, yet also wanting to get one over other women. She was a close fried for years and we all repeatedly tried to get through to her that he rbehaviour was a fucking disgrace. She aid she was a 'Man's woman not a woman's woman'.

In the end I could not be friends with her anymore. She was deeply damaaged and chose men to validate her sense of worth. But she genuinely did not give a shit about the ives (there were many wives) because she wanted a sense of 'winning'.

That is just my take on 2 situations. Both sad in their own ways, but in both cases the men were fucking entitled arses who though they deserved to get their end away.

[CounsellorTroi]

Oh do give over. Nobody forced her to let him either.

This exactly. They both have agency. There's no rule that says you have to fuck a married man if he asks so why do it?

[BlueLobelia]

I have a snoozing cat on my lap which inhibits typing but I hope my post made some sense!

[trappedsincesundaymorn]

The cousins husband broke up his marriage not the OW after all he only had to say "no" and walk away from her.

[Shmithecat2]

Better than the husband I hope.

[DrSbaitso]

When a man shags about, we may ask how he could have done this to his family but we never ask WHY. We may not approve, but we are not at all mystified as to why a man would have enjoyable sex when it's available.

But the woman? Just why? Why would a woman enjoy sex or want it? Surely women don't enjoy sex enough to overcome the moral opposition? It's such a mystery! Why would a woman want to have sex?

Do these women enjoy the chase & then F off once the damage is done? Or do they expect to live happily with a man who’s cheated & assume he’s not going to be a wanker & just do the same to her as soon as he’s fed up again?!

See? Total mystery and the only answer can be competitiveness or a wish to take the wife's place. Anything except the same reason a man does: because sex is enjoyable.

That doesn't make it right, of course, but why is it so easy to understand that men do it because they like sex, and so impossible to believe the same of women?

[NuffSaidSam]

'but why do you think anyone should care about people they don't know?'

Good grief.

[PinkArt]

Again though, why does it matter what this woman, or any other woman who's been part of an affair thinks or feels? It's just a distraction and one that absolves him of responsibility.
Your cousin's focus should be her husband and his actions. Does HE feel happy, does HE enjoy the chase....

[WomanStanleyWoman]

I legit wanted to know woman to woman, how the hell you feel happy to shag a married man?

They probably legit don’t want to share their thoughts on it on a public forum.