AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

[DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone]

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

How does the cheating partner live with themselves, that's the real questiomn

@AcrossthePond55

He may have been the one who cheated, but I see it like a bank robbery; he may have been the one to actually rob the bank, but she drove the getaway car. Both are guilty.

Any OW who comes on this thread trying to justify their 'position' is a fool. But then again, most OW are fools to begin with.

That’s my view too. They’re both to blame.

Surely you should be asking how he sleeps at night.

When a man marries/ leaves his wife for his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

This always assumes that the man is a serial cheat. I’ve seen it a couple of time where a husband has met someone else and gone off with them, but stayed in that relationship and faithfully so. In fact, for one of of those occasions, I don’t blame him at all for having found someone else to go by how his wife treated him. In an ideal world you’d, obviously, end one relationship before starting another, but life doesn’t always pan out like that.

'He may have been the one who cheated, but I see it like a bank robbery; he may have been the one to actually rob the bank, but she drove the getaway car. Both are guilty.'

Bollocks!

The cheater, male or female, is always to blame 100%. The other person isn't.

I was the ow without knowing I was the ow. I worked nights and so only saw him at the weekends and honestly had no idea until I saw a Facebook post from a mutual friend with a group and him and his ex looking very cosy. I did abit of digging and found out I was indeed the ow. At this point I had fell for him and continued to see him a few more weeks but then my conscience kicked in and I saw what an utter tosser he was

You can't blame her like the husband can be blamed. But as a person I think would think she's a nasty piece of work with no morals. Any woman who is involved with a married man is desperate imo.

I wish that "vacancy" horseshit would just die a death.

"I know you have a wife and child, but I hope you pickk me."
I wrote more believable dialogue than this back in Junior 3, circa 1979 🙄
Must try harder OP

I imagine they sleep very well, being as well versed as they are in giving a shit about nobody but themselves.

I don't include unwitting OW in this who don't realise they are the OW.

And yes, the unfaithful spouse is worse - though that's not what this thread is about.

The cheater, male or female, is always to blame 100%. The other person isn't.

That’s complete nonsense. Nobody can cheat by themselves.

As someone whose family was broken up by another woman i can honestly say there were signigficant issues in the relationship and had been for years before the affair started.

Oh, the getaway car. He still robbed the bank by himself. It didn't matter who the getaway car driver was once he'd robbed the bank.

It's such a shit analogy. A better one is that he's a bank employee and he's got keys to the vault, and he's signed a contract saying he won't take anyone down to it. Then he takes someone down to it. You can insist that the person he tool is equally to blame, but she isn't employed by the bank, didn't sign the contract not to go and, crucially, couldn't have got in without him as she didn't have the keys.

But what bank would want to employ him anyway, knowing he was willing to take someone to the vault whether they agreed or not?

I agree it’s shitty behaviour, but it is weird that your post is all about the other woman, and not a word about the husband who is actually cheating.

Men get away with absolutely everything, women always bear the brunt of the blame.

@Blossomtoes

The cheater, male or female, is always to blame 100%. The other person isn't.

That’s complete nonsense. Nobody can cheat by themselves.

So you'd be happy to be married to a man who spends every evening trying to pick women up on Fab Swingers and Tinder, as long as they all said no?

Assuming rhis is real.... it already sounds like you and the cousin are looking to blame OW so your cousin can dupe herself that staying with the slimy shit is the right thing to do and the poor little sod was tricked into it..or he would never have done it if the OW hadnt been there etc etc.

I was the ow without knowing I was the ow.

Me too. I was young (early 20s) and very naive. We worked together - I was new to the company and he was very senior to me. He told me he was separated and that his wife would be moving out soon - they remained living together purely as a "business arrangement" but were in separate bedrooms etc. (Yes yes ... red flags all over; but I was young and naive and he was very charming and much older than me. Not to mention the awkward dynamic of being senior to me at work). I was whisked off for expensive weekends away left right and centre, designer handbags, the lot. I felt like a real life princess. Until it all went to shit when a colleague told me he wasn't in fact separated at all (we worked together). I told him where to go and around the same time handed in my notice. He then proceeded to stalk me and call me from withheld numbers for about 12 months afterwards, asking about my new boyfriend (creepily he knew his name as well as the name of my new neighbour after I moved house). It was all pretty horrible. I never did find out what happened and if his wife ever found out what he was doing.

Haven’t read the whole thread but this happened to my friend a couple of months ago. The iPad was synched to his mobile phone so all the messages came over. One of the kids read one as they were on the iPad.

She’s devastated. She’s staying with him (for now). One of the kids has SEN and she can’t do it alone.

I know everyone will say it’s all on the DH but I disagree. You have to be a very nasty woman to knowingly involve yourself with a man who’s already in relationship.

One of the nastiest women I knew from work, who was the most disloyal backstabber in the office had an affair with a married man who had three young children. Within one year they were married and she was pregnant. She was so brazen and acted like the cat who got the cream.

I hope he does the same thing to her.

Why not have a relationship with a married man, OP? Then you can discover firsthand rather than poking your judgey nose into other people's lives.

@SW1amp

A lot of OW are deeply insecure It tickles their ego to know that by sleeping with a married man, they are ‘winning’ over another woman

A lot of OW are just shitty human beings

As several replies on here have already shown, some people think it’s entirely valid to go through life not giving a single shit about other people, and trampling other humans to get what you want is absolutely fine

In my case, I was definitely insecure. In many ways I hated myself anyway, so sleeping with a married man was neither here nor there.

He fed me an incredible story of a marriage that was only in place for the kids, he was unhappy, she was cruel to him .. she never listened to him and had never understood him as much as I did.

He knew I was the one, he should never have married his wife but she was pregnant and he wanted to do the right thing.

He fed me a pack of shit - but it certainly never felt like I was splitting up a happy family .. rather giving a lonely, unhappy man a chance of real happiness.

We no longer speak, and he is still with his wife.

DrSBaitso I am sorry ,but This is not what I meant at all! I am sorry if it came across like this .If you see my post to randomwomen It explains my thoughts .I am most certainly not a rape apologist ! Of course there is a world of difference between a woman who clearly says No ,is intoxicated ,asleep or whatever than a Chap at work say who is flattered by the attention of an attractive lady (this was a post on here the other day!)and I was simply making the point that some men may choose to take this further .This does NOT excuse them at all ! The recent post on MN was a lady who was getting on well with a colleague ,and let him know she liked him .She knew he was married ,but thought he felt the same way .He had said he was attracted to her ,but then told her that he was not interested at all .She was clearly hurt ,but probably shouldnt have flirted with him .He was responsible and batted away her attentions .Obv this happens the other way round and many offices have sex pests which hopefully is diminishing now .A young lady we knew was 18 and in her first post .An older man kept "brushing" by her ,putting his hands on her shoulders and so on .Instant dismissal by company and bloody good for them! Hopefully more companies will dismiss these creeps!

So you'd be happy to be married to a man who spends every evening trying to pick women up on Fab Swingers and Tinder, as long as they all said no?

Of course not but if they all said no technically he wouldn’t be cheating.

I was the other woman and slept perfectly well.

Don't eat too late, have a good mattress, make sure the room is fairly cool.

@DrSbaitso

Oh, the getaway car. He still robbed the bank by himself. It didn't matter who the getaway car driver was once he'd robbed the bank.

It's such a shit analogy. A better one is that he's a bank employee and he's got keys to the vault, and he's signed a contract saying he won't take anyone down to it. Then he takes someone down to it. You can insist that the person he tool is equally to blame, but she isn't employed by the bank, didn't sign the contract not to go and, crucially, couldn't have got in without him as she didn't have the keys.

But what bank would want to employ him anyway, knowing he was willing to take someone to the vault whether they agreed or not?

Excellent analogy, totally agree.

@dottiedodah

DrSBaitso I am sorry ,but This is not what I meant at all! I am sorry if it came across like this .If you see my post to randomwomen It explains my thoughts .I am most certainly not a rape apologist ! Of course there is a world of difference between a woman who clearly says No ,is intoxicated ,asleep or whatever than a Chap at work say who is flattered by the attention of an attractive lady (this was a post on here the other day!)and I was simply making the point that some men may choose to take this further .This does NOT excuse them at all ! The recent post on MN was a lady who was getting on well with a colleague ,and let him know she liked him .She knew he was married ,but thought he felt the same way .He had said he was attracted to her ,but then told her that he was not interested at all .She was clearly hurt ,but probably shouldnt have flirted with him .He was responsible and batted away her attentions .Obv this happens the other way round and many offices have sex pests which hopefully is diminishing now .A young lady we knew was 18 and in her first post .An older man kept "brushing" by her ,putting his hands on her shoulders and so on .Instant dismissal by company and bloody good for them! Hopefully more companies will dismiss these creeps!

I can't be bothered to wade through yet more jabbering about irrelevant personal anecdotes.

If you do not think that women are to blame for sex when they "lead men on", then stop saying it.