AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

[DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone]

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

I don't get why people who are clearly unhappy in their relationships that they go cheat, can't just do the decent thing and end the relationship before getting involved with someone else.

Sometimes, meeting the right person is what makes you realise you’re in a relationship with the wrong one and life isn’t always as neat as “ending one relationship before starting another”. There seems to be an overwhelming assumption on this thread that anyone who has an affair does so because they’re a sleazy, habitual cheat who could be married to the person of their dreams but they’ll always have a roving eye.

I can tell you that “meeting someone right” makes you realise what’s gone wrong/missing in your relationship because it happened to me. I was at rock bottom in an abusive relationship and I met someone kind and respectful. Did it go anywhere? Not particularly beyond an “emotional” level. Would it have done if opportunities had panned out differently? I honestly couldn’t tell you.

Which brings me to my second point. The narrative on affairs always seems to go: cheating sleazy husband (who may well have an STD to go by a particularly hyperbolic post above), immoral mistress and saintly, wronged wife. Not only is that reductive but fuck me, it’s like something from the Old Testament that women are Madonnas or Jezebels

As I said in my earlier post, there’s a big difference between the serial cheater and the less-than-ideal situation of finding a new long-term partner while still in a relationship with someone else. The latter happened to an ex-colleague, his marriage was a mess and his wife refused to see any problem (because the set up suited her). He met someone else, the marriage eventually ended (although wife had resisted separation) and he’s now with what would be termed here as The OW. They’ve been together about 9/10 years now and seem very happy - I met her at a few work events and she was a genuinely lovely person. The ex wife will tell everyone who listens what a bastard he is for cheating on her, while never seeming to have stopped for one moment to wonder why he found someone else.

My stepmom was the OW. I avoided her for years but as an adult I got to know her and I actually think she is an ok person. She was very very young and in a subordinate position (to my dad, ugh) at work when she and my dad had the affair, and my dad is a fairly awful person, she wasn’t his first affair but she was the one my mum found out about. Now 20 years on, he’s old and hard to live with and his career has taken a dive, she’s bored, lonely and childless as he didn’t want any more dc. I think she’s paid for her actions in terms of having an affair and I don’t envy her lot. Deep down I think she should have left him years ago and had a life.
So yeah.. morally affairs are hideous on both sides but I think people can be manipulated and impressionable so I blame my dad way more. He was the one with 4 kids and a wife. I get on better with her than him these days!

with a scant sentence about the DH should be strung up as well as the OW.

I don't need to talk about the man. If my DH cheated on me, I would end our relationship as soon as he got to the end of the sentence. I would not put up with cheating of any kind. He would be out. I don't need to talk about the man as it is black and white for me.

As soon as I had dealt with him, I would go after her though. You may not think OW is relevant to me, but I could not let someone wreck my life and hurt my DC without taking them down with me.

I am genuinely thankful (now) to the OW. Although ex left me when DC was 3 months old, I now see this as a blessing. Our relationship was unhealthy, he was abusive and we both felt trapped. Had it not been for her, I really feel I would be locked up with either mental health issues or Id have buried him under the patio lol. She saved me from a life of misery. Yes, she deprived the children of a family unit (as did he) but she has that to contend with (or not). I don't know if she's remorseful and I don't particularly care....I imagine living with my ex and having to make it work is penance enough. It took me a long time to reach this point of view but now wholeheartedly I will be eternally grateful she took him.

Honestly? - Not my fucking problem.

I'm not hurting anyone I care about so 🤷‍♀️

Even in the following scenario, I'd put the blame a 100% on him:

OMG, he chose me over his wife. I must be something special.

To which would say: No, you are especially foolish to think that.
And I would pity the woman who does.

@SummerLovingHadMeABlast

with a scant sentence about the DH should be strung up as well as the OW.

I don't need to talk about the man. If my DH cheated on me, I would end our relationship as soon as he got to the end of the sentence. I would not put up with cheating of any kind. He would be out. I don't need to talk about the man as it is black and white for me.

As soon as I had dealt with him, I would go after her though. You may not think OW is relevant to me, but I could not let someone wreck my life and hurt my DC without taking them down with me.

That's up to you. You'd take your chances and the chips would fall where they may. You could make your situation and that of your children, infinitely worse but... up to you.

One woman I know of now has a criminal record for assault, she's been fired from her position, the OW apparently pressed charges. Sad situation for everybody.

It's not the OW who would be hurting your children though, it would be your husband. He would be responsible for all of that.

Other women is not married. I think the question is how does the MAN sleep at night. He is the one at fault.

@JollyJlly

Other women is not married. I think the question is how does the MAN sleep at night. He is the one at fault.

I disagree. Vows or not it's still incredibly shitty. Equal blame.

@SummerLovingHadMeABlast

I really don’t understand people who say the OW is irrelevant, she didn’t say the vows and she owes you nothing etc.

In society there is a contract where you are expected to behave yourself and if you don’t you end up fined, with a record or in jail.

The consequences of the behaviour of OW are, a ruined family, breakdowns, children may lose one parent, children may develop anxiety, houses get sold, someone loses half their assets, children live in poorer conditions, DC don’t get to see extended family etc. It’s like a tsunami of negative and life changing consequences. The OW was 50% complicit in these tangible, life changing events.

If I stole something off, or pushed, or slandered the OW, I would be in trouble with the law, but she can go ahead and destroy my marriage, wreck
my kids lives, lose half my family, strip me of 50% assets and future wealth in one shag.

I actually think you should be able to sue OW for your loss of income snd damages. I am deadly serious about that. It would also make them think twice.

Of course, the DH should also be strung up.

The consequences you listed are ENTIRELT as a result of the behaviour of the husband, NOT the OW. If a husband cheats, HE ruined his marriage.

Today 12:55 Polmuggle

The OW is clearly putting her needs/desires over and above those of what is ultimately a stranger. Again, morally it’s shit“

Huh? Don’t we all do that, all the time in many different ways?
I have never been the OW. However, I put my needs and wants above those of strangers every day. I care for my grandchild tomorrow and have run out of pull ups. I took the last bag in their size from the shelf because I needed it. Does that mean I have no morals? Ought I have waited until a stranger also wanted them then made a moral decision as to who needed them more?

@MrsSkylerWhite

Today 12:55 Polmuggle

The OW is clearly putting her needs/desires over and above those of what is ultimately a stranger. Again, morally it’s shit“

Huh? Don’t we all do that, all the time in many different ways?
I have never been the OW. However, I put my needs and wants above those of strangers every day. I care for my grandchild tomorrow and have run out of pull ups. I took the last bag in their size from the shelf because I needed it. Does that mean I have no morals? Ought I have waited until a stranger also wanted them then made a moral decision as to who needed them more?

Are you really comparing nappies to potentially breaking up a home? Nappies are essential, shagging someone else's partner/husband is not. Are there not enough single men to go about ???

Ok not best example but point was we all put our needs above the needs of strangers, every day.
If one of my loved ones needed a new kidney, damn right I’d want them to get it before a stranger.
Don’t think that would make me immoral.

Again, can 'needs' not be met by someone single rather inflicting potential heartbreak on others. What right do people have to insist their needs are met by someone that doesn't belong to them? Is there no self control?

Wouldn’t be the need if the husband had any.

If I stole something off, or pushed, or slandered the OW, I would be in trouble with the law, but she can go ahead and destroy my marriage, wreck
my kids lives, lose half my family, strip me of 50% assets and future wealth in one shag.
The choice to lose all that over one shag would be yours to make.

I'm really horrified at some of the posts here. Because pretty much all of us are mums, and at some point will have, or have now, or have had, teenage children. And I've certainly heard what teenagers call the girl who kisses boys who have a girlfriend. They're not seriously committed, but just the same as on this thread, it's always the girls who get vilified. the girls get called vile words like "slag" and "ho" and more; yet the boys who cheat on a girlfriend are always "a bit of a lad" or "a player".

When you say you hold women to higher standards, what you actually mean is women are always to blame, like some biblical original sin, women should be faithful, they should avoid men who are "taken".. but men are free to act as they please, to sow their oats before marrying, and if they succumb to temptation after marrying it's only because they are weak. It's sexist and misogynistic. We need to stop this now. It's not good morals, it's disgusting.

Today 21:13 LatinMumof2

I'm really horrified at some of the posts here. Because pretty much all of us are mums, and at some point will have, or have now, or have had, teenage children. And I've certainly heard what teenagers call the girl who kisses boys who have a girlfriend. They're not seriously committed, but just the same as on this thread, it's always the girls who get vilified. the girls get called vile words like "slag" and "ho" and more; yet the boys who cheat on a girlfriend are always "a bit of a lad" or "a player".

When you say you hold women to higher standards, what you actually mean is women are always to blame, like some biblical original sin, women should be faithful, they should avoid men who are "taken".. but men are free to act as they please, to sow their oats before marrying, and if they succumb to temptation after marrying it's only because they are weak. It's sexist and misogynistic. We need to stop this now. It's not good morals, it's disgusting.“

Exactly this.

Maybe don’t passively allow your future wealth, lifestyle to solely be dependent on a man
It’s a risk to have no autonomy and hope a man just keeps providing

I think the question you should be asking is how does a married man sleep at night with his beloved wife after he's been out with the other woman. 🤷🏼‍♀️ He's the a-hole, not her.

My experience was that I didn't give a thought to his partner. I worked with him and really fancied him, we spent more and more time together and I ended up falling in love with him. It felt to me just like the romantic start of a normal relationship except we couldn't go out during the evening.
He never mentioned her.
One time he mentioned that she was staying at a friend's for the weekend, so he invited me round.
Bizarrely, he showed me round their house which they rented.
In the spare bedroom she had put up photos of them and their friends from Uni days. I asked which one she was and he pointed her out, then immediately pointed out one of her friends who he said he'd had the hots for but that his partner had pursued him.
The romantic bubble started to burst for me at that point. I thought it was a cold-hearted thing to say, both to me and also about his partner, especially as they had been together about six years, yet he was still acknowledging his hots for her friend.
I eventually realised I had been projecting good qualities onto him the whole time and that he was a jerk.
I was 25 when that happened and he was similar age. Thankfully I have matured since then.
Falling in love can make people blind to things. I think that explains why some women who have affairs with married men conduct themselves in such a seemingly cold-hearted way. It's not that they actively choose to disregard the wife's status and feelings. It's more that the wife does not even feature in their thoughts when they are in their loved-up little bubble.

Half these posts read as if pps think the marriage would just have been fine and dandy if it weren't for that dastardly female luring the husband away. This is just ridiculous. While it might be true in some cases, in many others infidelity happens because there's problems in a marriage already. In the end it boils down to whether you believe someone has to stand by vows they made years ago when they felt very differently, or whether they are allowed to leave when their feelings change and they fall in love with someone else.

Relationships are built on feelings, not notions of justice. You can't legislate for how people change and what they might feel for whom years down the line. I've seen marriages where the man has ended it before moving into a new relationship and if anything that's even worse for the wife, who doesn't understand why he has gone if there's no one else involved.

@JollyJlly

Other women is not married. I think the question is how does the MAN sleep at night. He is the one at fault.

That’s the point. The OW has nothing to lose. The cheating partner is at least risking both relationships and face the fallout from being a cheat.

My friend was an OW. Frankly it was more her dishonesty about the relationship than the moral ethics that annoyed me. It was patently a rebound relationship for her and she would never have wanted to be a step mum / have his kids EOW.
She could have waited until he separated too. When he did that she got fed up with him and broke up with him. His marriage was clearly shit so I think ultimately it did the wife a favour but my friend enjoyed the drama of it all too and being chosen over his boring old wife.

The other woman didn't make any vows to the wife BUT I see being a mistress whilst knowing that the man is married is like a university teacher getting together with a pupil, a 50 year old becoming involved with a 17 year old girl, or a boss in a position of power sleeping with a subordinate. They know it's not right but do it anyway.

I could never be the other woman. One big reason is that I couldn't do that to another person and I certainly would never want to be with a cheater. If he cheated on his first wife, why wouldn't he cheat on his second?

I think there's an element of having the self-esteem raised by being in direct competition or comparison with the 'boring old wife'.
It's an unfair competition though because the very act of living together as husband and wife means that certain romantic aspects of the single life are forever lost. Things like turning up on a date looking stunning, surprising your date with new revelations about your life. The OW presumably does not think about these things? Just sees herself as elevated above the wife so must be very, very beautiful and very, very interesting ... ?