Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

406 replies

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 01/08/2021 12:21

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 01/08/2021 13:12

@jc12689

Daily Mail journalist

Isn't that an oxymoron?

When it comes to the DM, you’ve got the moron part right…
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 01/08/2021 13:12

@DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone

Gosh people are so shitty on here. I’m certainly NOT a journalist. I’ve come back from my cousins who’s world has fallen apart & judging by some of the heartless comments on here I have little faith in humanity. This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child, I know he’s a grade A d*ck head in this situation. I legit wanted to know woman to woman, how the hell you feel happy to shag a married man? Do these women enjoy the chase & then F off once the damage is done? Or do they expect to live happily with a man who’s cheated & assume he’s not going to be a wanker & just do the same to her as soon as he’s fed up again?!

On the assumption that you are genuine - are you really that naive?

Do you believe 'your cousins husband' avoided the other woman, put all his defences up, ran as far as he could, yet this witch of another woman finally made him become an adulterer against his will??

Or is it more likely that he played the 'my wife doesn't understand me' card? "We used to be happy, she's changed, she doesn't care about me, we don't have sex, we are only together for the children, you get me like she doesn't, why can't it always be like this".

Some women believe this, you know. (OF COURSE YOU KNOW).

Be mad at your cousin's husband. He's the scumbag here.

pinkcircustop · 01/08/2021 13:12

Oh do give over. Nobody forced her to let him either.

@Blossomtoes No, but she asked and he said yes. Or he asked and she said yes.

Sideorderofchips · 01/08/2021 13:14

Apparently with a clean conscience according to the knowingly ow who has now shacked up with my ex 🤷‍♀️. I've just met someone better and moved on

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/08/2021 13:14

She will sleep knowing that she has given someone suffering so greatly in an abusive/sexless/insert other cliche here marriage a great day. He is only with her because he's worried about the kids/his wife is mentally ill/he is worried for his safety and they would have the best love story if his pesky wife wasn't so .

He will have lied and lied and painted an untrue picture so the OW will think she's helping a poor man rather than betraying another woman.

The onus is 100% entirely on the guy here, not the OW. If it wasn't her it would be someone else.

KittytheHare · 01/08/2021 13:15

“I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child

So how many children does your cousin have? You sound confused.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 13:15

@pinkcircustop

Oh do give over. Nobody forced her to let him either.

@Blossomtoes No, but she asked and he said yes. Or he asked and she said yes.

Her yes doesn't do a thing. It's only when the married person says yes that it matters.

If a man propositioned 50 women and the only reason he hadn't shagged them was because they'd all said no, is he a true and faithful husband? Would you want to be married to him?

DesdemonaDryEyes · 01/08/2021 13:16

There is no such thing as the sisterhood.

I know some pretty foul women who I wouldn’t cross the street to spit on if they were on fire.

It’s the man who is cheating. Why on Earth should the OW care?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 13:17

@mummypigoink

When a man marries/ leaves his wife for his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

So it’s entirely up to her how she sleeps now, but in the future…..

Such a stupid comment that's trotted out on every thread as if it's some sort of truism.

How was there a 'vacancy' in the first place?

Sillawithans · 01/08/2021 13:18

Some shitty responses here. There are threads on here from the other woman op where they've been torn a new one.
I think the cheater and the other woman are both bastards to be honest, yes he took vows but how another person could sleep with your husband is beyond me.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 13:21

@pinkcircustop

Oh do give over. Nobody forced her to let him either.

@Blossomtoes No, but she asked and he said yes. Or he asked and she said yes.

And your point is? If you mean they’re equally culpable I agree with you.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2021 13:22

@DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone

Gosh people are so shitty on here. I’m certainly NOT a journalist. I’ve come back from my cousins who’s world has fallen apart & judging by some of the heartless comments on here I have little faith in humanity. This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child, I know he’s a grade A d*ck head in this situation. I legit wanted to know woman to woman, how the hell you feel happy to shag a married man? Do these women enjoy the chase & then F off once the damage is done? Or do they expect to live happily with a man who’s cheated & assume he’s not going to be a wanker & just do the same to her as soon as he’s fed up again?!
Whatever your motives, you're out to cause a ruck.

Why not concentrate and focus your ire on your cousin's husband? You know, the one who has orchestrated this entire shitstorm of pain on his wife and child(ren).

Your made these little side comments about him but, only so that you can get to the main thrust of your complaint which is the woman involved.

You're sexist and just wanting to find your tribe to froth about OW with. I agree with DrShabito's post, just stop it.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 13:22

@DesdemonaDryEyes

There is no such thing as the sisterhood.

I know some pretty foul women who I wouldn’t cross the street to spit on if they were on fire.

It’s the man who is cheating. Why on Earth should the OW care?

The sisterhood is never mentioned except as a stick to beat women with. The brotherhood is never mentioned at all.
Owwasme · 01/08/2021 13:26

I was the OW. I slept OK mostly. I didn't know her. We lived nowhere near each other. Didn't talk about her. DH never told me anything about their relationship, and I never asked. Didn't ask him for anything. Yes, he left. Yes, we're still together. Married, with DC. No, I don't worry about him doing the same to me - what's the point in that?

DahliaBlue · 01/08/2021 13:28

It could be she met him, liked him, developed feelings for him, was sexually attracted to him and found he reciprocated and so marital status was not a consideration. She might even have thought the marital status aspect was his constraint to worry about not hers.

Kanaloa · 01/08/2021 13:28

Well he manages to sleep comfy and cosy knowing he’s cheating on his wife, putting her sexual health at risk and betraying his family in the worst possible way.

She has a lot less than that to worry about, so I imagine she sleeps better than he does.

Wheatfromchaff · 01/08/2021 13:31

An ex-colleague's DH cheated on her. Her way of dealing with it was to target married men at work, and persuade them to go back to hers after works drinks. Most didn't need much persuading. It was horrible to watch as she was obviously very damaged and doing it to prove something.

Confirmed my view that pretty much all men will cheat give the opportunity.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 01/08/2021 13:32

I'd guess with her eyes closed and a lot better than the DH should sleep knowing he is lieing to his wife and kids.

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/08/2021 13:32

Men are not spirited away by women,the mistress.they go willingly. No one forces adultery on a man. He makes an active choice to cheat. Let’s not absolve men of blame. Cheating It’s not a compelling desire that cannot be resisted it’s an actual choice

DeflatedGinDrinker · 01/08/2021 13:33

Agree with the person who said if the HUSBAND doesn't even care why would the OW.

FlorallyBankrupt · 01/08/2021 13:35

I don't believe anything is simple, or black and white - self esteem and ego is sensitive, fragile, selfish, fucked up thing, and people do terrible things they end up being ashamed of and which causes others pain.

I've seen it - Friend 1 being a total train wreck in relationships, cheating and being cheated on ad infinitum, and Friend 2 being cheated on over 25 times by the first husband - and in my opinion, it is all about validation. The person that strays is looking for validation that they are worthwhile, attractive, and "enough". Where self esteem is poor, they'll get that validation anywhere they see the slightest hint of it, particularly if they are not getting it in their own lives right now. Some people can never get enough validation, like a drug.

I'm happily married and wouldn't cheat, but I still get a little lift from being flirted with, same as my DH does. Presumably a person brave/stupid/numb/empty enough to act on it takes it a step further and further until eventually they box off their integrity and start stuffing body parts into one another.

With one exception, all the people I've known who have cheated, or the person who has cheated on them, is wholly lacking in self worth. The one exception was tied up in a terrible trauma.

On the other hand, maybe all people really are just arseholes?

bungabungaboo · 01/08/2021 13:36

Why is the OW at fault?

He is the married man! Angry

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/08/2021 13:36

@mummypigoink

When a man marries/ leaves his wife for his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

So it’s entirely up to her how she sleeps now, but in the future…..

I don't agree. I know two cases where a man left his wife for the OW and has been faithful to the OW. If the original relationship was in big trouble and the 'right' person comes along, then the second relationship can work out.

I'm not saying that makes it ok to cheat, because it doesn't, and most men who have affairs just want to have their cake and eat it, but it doesn't mean that someone who is unfaithful in their first marriage will necessarily be unfaithful in their second.

wizzywig · 01/08/2021 13:37

The husband couldn't be arsed to cover his tracks and took photos? He is awful for what he has done and awful for rubbing it in his wife's face

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/08/2021 13:44

The married person is the one breaking their vows, the ones they made for life.

I’d question the morals of the OW/OM but there are many many things people do that call morals into question.