Page 12 | AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 2021-08-01T11:21:07+00:00

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me” It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 20:13

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You state that posters have said things which they haven't. That is dishonest and annoying, Blossomtoes. I'm fine with a difference of opinion, even the one that you hold, but I'm not ok with your disingenuous comments and I'm not the only one to pick you up on this.

I won’t respond to personal attacks. Clearly you’re not fine with difference of opinion if you find it necessary to resort to insult.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 20:15

What sort of man shags his mistress and then tells his distraught wife that he's only half responsible?

How do you even try to mend a marriage with someone who sees it like that?

And even if the wife agrees, what does she do with that extra 50% of blame reserved for the scum/bitch/lizard? Divorce it? Take it to marriage counselling? Insist that it apologises and makes it up to you?

It's irrelevant. It's got no power. You can't do anything with it. Because it doesn't exist. It's not part of the marriage.

It's 100% on him. If you can't trust him, what makes you think you should be able to trust random women who aren't connected to you?

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 20:17

@randomwomen

Us single girls are far more fun and both married men and their wives know it

This is actually quite a sad comment from @viviennedoesitagain. Its really a tacit admission that she makes herself into a one-dimensional character for a married man. Light, easy and 'no drama' for a man who actively does not want to date a full human being.

I really don't think that post was genuine. It doesn't even sound like a woman wrote it, and the woman's name in username makes me even more sceptical.

randomwomen · 01/08/2021 20:19

And also not try to dilute blame if they fail their personal commitments because that is craven and unworthy

@DrSbaitso Can I just say that I really like your writing style, its clear, concise, precise and really quite elegant.

randomwomen · 01/08/2021 20:21

I really don't think that post was genuine. It doesn't even sound like a woman wrote it, and the woman's name in username makes me even more sceptical

Perhaps, but this is what many married men are looking for from an OW. Which is one of the reasons why I believe men who have affairs are men who use women.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 20:22

@randomwomen

And also not try to dilute blame if they fail their personal commitments because that is craven and unworthy

@DrSbaitso Can I just say that I really like your writing style, its clear, concise, precise and really quite elegant.

Thank you.

I feel strongly about this. I think it's sinister that people are so angry and resistant at the idea that we might not blame women at least equally, especially when the tone of many posts and the very question of the OP make it so clear that people DO generally blame the woman, and more than 50%.

KingdomScrolls · 01/08/2021 20:28

The married one is the one that owed the loyalty to his wife and if this was me he'd be getting both barrels and a divorce, there's no led astray etc a penis doesn't affect mental and moral capacity. However as the other man/woman you must be entirely lacking in any morality to knowingly and willingly engage in anything intimate with someone you know is married/with someone else, and also have a really low opinion of your own worth.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 20:32

I think it's sinister that people are so angry and resistant at the idea that we might not blame women at least equally, especially when the tone of many posts and the very question of the OP make it so clear that people DO generally blame the woman, and more than 50%

It would be if those who disagree with you confined their blame of an affair partner to women. I put 50% of the blame at the door of the other woman and the other man. Women have affairs too.

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 20:38

I don't blame the other woman at all. I'd question her morality a little probably. But ultimately she's not the cheat.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 20:39

@Blossomtoes

I think it's sinister that people are so angry and resistant at the idea that we might not blame women at least equally, especially when the tone of many posts and the very question of the OP make it so clear that people DO generally blame the woman, and more than 50%

It would be if those who disagree with you confined their blame of an affair partner to women. I put 50% of the blame at the door of the other woman and the other man. Women have affairs too.

They pretty much do, most of the time. OP addressed her accusatory question to women alone and focused almost entirely on them. Post after post has had a quick line about the man being "responsible", followed by paragraphs about the woman being disgusting, scum, a lizard, thick, cold, nasty, pitiful, lacking in self worth. How can can you see all this and think that this is a corner that needs yet more defence? That you're in danger of losing it?

Don't pretend that men and women are on a level playing field with sexual ethics.

But you're wrong anyway. She's not 50% responsible. An individual who makes a personal promise is 100% responsible. Only the shittiest kind of adulterer could turn to their heartbroken spouse and say "but it's only half my fault!" As before, even if the wife accepts that, what to do with that stray 50%? You can't work with it in any way, can't divorce it or take it to counselling. Because it isn't part of the marriage. Because nobody outside of a marriage is responsible for it.

I'm not responsible for what your husband tells you.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 20:42

I'm not responsible for what your husband tells you

So now you’re at it too. The personal attacks here are appalling. My 100% faithful husband hasn’t told me anything. I’m perfectly capable of independent thought and my thoughts are different to yours. 🤷‍♀️

OhGiveUp · 01/08/2021 20:43

I've never been the OW and I'll tell you why.
A. I have self respect.
B. I don't want a disease. Let's face it, if he's screwing around with one, he could be screwing around with another.
C. I don't know his wife so why would I want to do something so horrible to her.
D. I don't like breaking children's hearts.
E. I could never trust anyone who can lie and deceive someone in such a disgusting way.

They are both as bad as each other in equal measures as far as I'm concerned.
They're both disgusting whores with the morals of alley cats. Nothing more, nothing less.
I hope the wives of these lying, cheating scumbags see the light, take him for everything he's got and go on to live fulfilled lives with someone who treats them with the loyalty and respect that they deserve.

turtletaub · 01/08/2021 20:48

@VladmirsPoutine

Not every OW knows she's an OW, a lot of men spin lies to their OW including: 'the marriage is dead', 'we're getting divorced soon', 'I don't love her anymore', so it looks like the relationship is all but dead in the water and the only thing left are pretty much just the formalities of divorce. Of course every circumstance is different but I don't think in the main there are hordes of OW bursting with glee at the chance of breaking up a family.

One other thing and I've said this before: It's not the OW that took the vows.

This. I'm yet to meet an 'other woman' who does not think the relationship he's in is dead. Not to excuse it - but I dont think in most scenarios that they think they are breaking up a happy home. I also haven't met any who are happy being the 'other' woman, most are terribly sad about the whole thing and desperate for him To leave. Doesn't sound much fun.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 20:49

@Blossomtoes

I'm not responsible for what your husband tells you

So now you’re at it too. The personal attacks here are appalling. My 100% faithful husband hasn’t told me anything. I’m perfectly capable of independent thought and my thoughts are different to yours. 🤷‍♀️

It's not a personal attack. It's a rhetorical device to make the point that when you don't hold your husband wholly responsible for his commitment to you and extend it to other women, then by logical extension you must think I'm responsible for your marriage too. I'm pointing out the absurdity, not actually accusing your husband of adultery.

I can't tell whether you truly didn't understand that or are just trying to deflect the point.

DesdemonaDryEyes · 01/08/2021 20:50

Monogamy is totally unnatural.

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 20:51

I can't tell whether you truly didn't understand that or are just trying to deflect the point

I read what was written. If you use subjective language that’s how it will be interpreted. Try using the third person, it’s much clearer.

affor · 01/08/2021 20:52

@Illogicalmadness

Tbh nobody is going to admit that they're the OW on mumsnet so YABU for asking the question.

I was the OW.

Have had threads and posts about it on here.

There was a good AMA by another rooster about being the OW. It got a fairer run than you'd expect before turning nasty.

We used to have a good support thread on here for OW who needed help leaving their relationships, but it got too popular and we got run off the boards. We migrated elsewhere instead.

Kanaloa · 01/08/2021 20:52

Monogamy is totally unnatural.**

Then don’t get married. Don’t just get married and cheat.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/08/2021 20:53

The OW doesn’t owe your cousin anything. Her cheating bastard husband does. She needs to focus on his conduct.

(Never been the OW happily married for over three decades. Would blame my husband 100% for infidelity, as I think would our kids. The OW would be an irrelevance.)

Mulberry974 · 01/08/2021 20:53

@SW1amp

A lot of OW are deeply insecure It tickles their ego to know that by sleeping with a married man, they are ‘winning’ over another woman

A lot of OW are just shitty human beings

As several replies on here have already shown, some people think it’s entirely valid to go through life not giving a single shit about other people, and trampling other humans to get what you want is absolutely fine

This!

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/08/2021 20:55

Mulberry974

SW1amp
A lot of OW are deeply insecure
It tickles their ego to know that by sleeping with a married man, they are ‘winning’ over another woman

A lot of OW are just shitty human beings

As several replies on here have already shown, some people think it’s entirely valid to go through life not giving a single shit about other people, and trampling other humans to get what you want is absolutely fine”

Aren’t cheating husbands/fathers a whole lot shittier?

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2021 20:58

@Blossomtoes

I can't tell whether you truly didn't understand that or are just trying to deflect the point

I read what was written. If you use subjective language that’s how it will be interpreted. Try using the third person, it’s much clearer.

Well I did it that way also to show how personally I do in fact take this. Because it is indeed the logical extension of your position: that I must be personally half responsible for what your husband does. Which I utterly reject.

But OK. Jane is not responsible for what Mary's husband tells her. Mary's husband is.

Sparechange · 01/08/2021 21:02

So basically the replies divide into
A) OW are shitty, no one should go through life choosing a path which deliberately hurts other people and while the primary duty of fidelity sits with the spouse, the OW is totally complicit in being vile towards another person, and that’s not on
Vs
B) why should I/an OW give a single shit about anyone else, especially if they don’t know her. They don’t owe her basic human kindness, it’s each woman for herself

CounsellorTroi · 01/08/2021 21:03

Would all those saying the OW is irrelevant to a husband cheating say the same if the OW was a friend of the husband's wife? Or their sister? Or is that still 100% 0n the man and the woman is still blameless?

SW1amp · 01/08/2021 21:04

@MrsSkylerWhite

Mulberry974

SW1amp
A lot of OW are deeply insecure
It tickles their ego to know that by sleeping with a married man, they are ‘winning’ over another woman

A lot of OW are just shitty human beings

As several replies on here have already shown, some people think it’s entirely valid to go through life not giving a single shit about other people, and trampling other humans to get what you want is absolutely fine”

Aren’t cheating husbands/fathers a whole lot shittier?

Of course they are, but that doesn’t absolve the OW of her part in the nasty mess

A poster on another recent thread on this topic made a good analogy:
If the spouse is the bank robber, the OW is the getaway driver
It might be one of them actually stealing but the crime requires 2 people to happen and both of them are seen as having done something wrong