AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

[DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone]

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

@Kanaloa

So all men want to cheat and it’s up to women they don’t even know to make sure that they don’t?

Honestly if my husband had that little respect and self control I’d rather he did cheat. If all that was stopping him was other women I wouldn’t want him anyway.

I think the same.

The problem with blaming the OW is that, she’s irrelevant as he would soon find another woman to cheat with if he’s that way inclined.

If a guy cheated 5 times with 5 different women, would they all be to blame?

He’s the common denominator. The onus is on him to respect his wife/GF/partner and not mess about.

I think of it like cheating on your diet. Is it the chocolate's fault that you ate it? No. There will always be temptations and opportunities for weak-willed people. It's on them to sort their shit out.

Three close friend/relative examples

A didn't know he was married, by the time she found out, she had changed jobs for him and was pregnant. She justified continuing with the relationship for the baby's sake, and was constantly pushing him to leave his partner and child - which he did, but he also left A too as he "wasn't ready that kind of commitment"

B believed him when he said he was separated and just staying in the marital home due to the kids/financial issues. Got very messy even though she broke it off as soon as she found out, as it turned out that B and wife worked in the same building and couldn't really avoid each other.

C knows he has a wife and child "back home" who he funds and visits approximately once a year. She justifies it as "its only a few weeks, like a holiday fling" and "he was practically forced into an arranged marriage" or "divorce would bring shame on his whole family", he's also the only male heir and due to inherit everything, so long as his family doesn't disinherit him. He refuses to have kids with her though, and is vague about his future plans

@BadNomad

I think of it like cheating on your diet. Is it the chocolate's fault that you ate it? No. There will always be temptations and opportunities for weak-willed people. It's on them to sort their shit out.

Brilliant!

@BadNomad

I think of it like cheating on your diet. Is it the chocolate's fault that you ate it? No. There will always be temptations and opportunities for weak-willed people. It's on them to sort their shit out.

I think this is different because the chocolate is a completely passive entity incapable of moral reasoning, unlike a human person, therefore it will have no opinion on that the of you eating it. That said, I still don't hold the OW responsible for affairs. Questionable morals, perhaps. But responsible, definitely not.

*the act of you eating it

I in no way hold the OW responsible for my husband cheating on me - he was 100% to blame - he was weak, pathetic and looked for a “distraction” when life at home with a high risk pregnancy / new born was too hard (poor boy).

But that doesn’t absolve the OW of being a totally shit person - she knew this and herself told me he never said he didn’t care about me - in fact I spoke to her happily about our imminent wedding plans whilst they were having their affair. She just said she didn’t care as it made her feel good.

I personally think everyone has a responsibility not to do things to hurt people - you wouldn’t do something that you knew would cause physical pain to someone else just because it benefitted you so why do something that causes (IMO much worse) emotional pain.

I think the man is completely responsible for his own actions, he is choosing to cheat and it is a despicable thing.

If a woman is knowingly the OW then that is also despicable. However I suspect and have heard of many affairs where the OW was tricked/manipulated into an affair situation, eg the old chestnut 'we are separating next week' which then never happens. Or he removes his wedding ring etc.

I really don’t understand people who say the OW is irrelevant, she didn’t say the vows and she owes you nothing etc.

In society there is a contract where you are expected to behave yourself and if you don’t you end up fined, with a record or in jail.

The consequences of the behaviour of OW are, a ruined family, breakdowns, children may lose one parent, children may develop anxiety, houses get sold, someone loses half their assets, children live in poorer conditions, DC don’t get to see extended family etc. It’s like a tsunami of negative and life changing consequences. The OW was 50% complicit in these tangible, life changing events.

If I stole something off, or pushed, or slandered the OW, I would be in trouble with the law, but she can go ahead and destroy my marriage, wreck
my kids lives, lose half my family, strip me of 50% assets and future wealth in one shag.

I actually think you should be able to sue OW for your loss of income snd damages. I am deadly serious about that. It would also make them think twice.

Of course, the DH should also be strung up.

@SummerLovingHadMeABlast

I really don’t understand people who say the OW is irrelevant, she didn’t say the vows and she owes you nothing etc.

In society there is a contract where you are expected to behave yourself and if you don’t you end up fined, with a record or in jail.

The consequences of the behaviour of OW are, a ruined family, breakdowns, children may lose one parent, children may develop anxiety, houses get sold, someone loses half their assets, children live in poorer conditions, DC don’t get to see extended family etc. It’s like a tsunami of negative and life changing consequences. The OW was 50% complicit in these tangible, life changing events.

If I stole something off, or pushed, or slandered the OW, I would be in trouble with the law, but she can go ahead and destroy my marriage, wreck
my kids lives, lose half my family, strip me of 50% assets and future wealth in one shag.

I actually think you should be able to sue OW for your loss of income snd damages. I am deadly serious about that. It would also make them think twice.

Of course, the DH should also be strung up.

It's not her that makes all that happen. It's the person you have the contract with. She actually is irrelevant because she could literally be anyone and the same thing will happen.

@SummerLovingHadMeABlast

I really don’t understand people who say the OW is irrelevant, she didn’t say the vows and she owes you nothing etc.

In society there is a contract where you are expected to behave yourself and if you don’t you end up fined, with a record or in jail.

The consequences of the behaviour of OW are, a ruined family, breakdowns, children may lose one parent, children may develop anxiety, houses get sold, someone loses half their assets, children live in poorer conditions, DC don’t get to see extended family etc. It’s like a tsunami of negative and life changing consequences. The OW was 50% complicit in these tangible, life changing events.

If I stole something off, or pushed, or slandered the OW, I would be in trouble with the law, but she can go ahead and destroy my marriage, wreck
my kids lives, lose half my family, strip me of 50% assets and future wealth in one shag.

I actually think you should be able to sue OW for your loss of income snd damages. I am deadly serious about that. It would also make them think twice.

Of course, the DH should also be strung up.

What you can't get past, no matter the mental gymnastics that you're determined to employ is that the 'DH' could have prevented all that pain, all that anguish, all that everything but just staying fucking faithful to his wife.

How difficult is that?

... and there you go with the paragraphs and paragraphs about the OW, with a scant sentence about the DH should be strung up as well as the OW.

It's pathetic and this misogyny does no woman any favours at all.

I was the other woman. I was young, I was naive and I found it extremely easy to completely block out he had a wife. We never, ever spoke of her, I didn’t even know her name, it was like she didn’t exist. And I don’t mean she didn’t exist in the sense of her being irrelevant to us, but simply just that she wasn’t something we ever spoke about so it was almost like she wasn’t real.

After 8 months together he told me he was thinking of leaving his wife for me. It was completely unexpected and it made things very real. I said it wasn’t what I wanted and I broke up with him.

That was about 15 years ago now, he ended up separating from his wife anyway and is now remarried and has been for quite some time.

I'd imagine he gave her the whole "we never have sex, she doesn't understand me and we're only together for the kids" spiel.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe because this thread is about the OW. Not the husband.

No, ufucoffee, it's because this thread - and any threads about any sort of affair - are ALWAYS about the OW. Always.

Posters pay lip-service with laughably gentle chiding of the married man responsible, to get to the main event which is to eviscerate the woman involved.

As PP mention upthread, ask yourself why this thread is focused on the OW? Answer: Because misogyny.

Own your sexist behaviour at least.

@SummerLovingHadMeABlast

I really don’t understand people who say the OW is irrelevant, she didn’t say the vows and she owes you nothing etc.

In society there is a contract where you are expected to behave yourself and if you don’t you end up fined, with a record or in jail.

The consequences of the behaviour of OW are, a ruined family, breakdowns, children may lose one parent, children may develop anxiety, houses get sold, someone loses half their assets, children live in poorer conditions, DC don’t get to see extended family etc. It’s like a tsunami of negative and life changing consequences. The OW was 50% complicit in these tangible, life changing events.

If I stole something off, or pushed, or slandered the OW, I would be in trouble with the law, but she can go ahead and destroy my marriage, wreck
my kids lives, lose half my family, strip me of 50% assets and future wealth in one shag.

I actually think you should be able to sue OW for your loss of income snd damages. I am deadly serious about that. It would also make them think twice.

Of course, the DH should also be strung up.

His dick just got trapped inside her against his will did it?

In society there is a contract where you are expected to behave yourself and if you don’t you end up fined, with a record or in jail.

well...

if the OW rapes or sexually abuse your Dh, you'd have a point.
Sex between consenting adults? Stop being ridiculous.

I actually think you should be able to sue OW for your loss of income snd damages. I am deadly serious about that. It would also make them think twice.
loss of income and damages?

I seriously would reconsider opening this can of worms, you might (in that situation) hear a few unwanted truths about your own marriage..

No one is responsible for your own family but your partner and you. Having sex with your husband might be morally wrong, but we're not in Saoudi Arabia, it has nothing to do with the law!

@SummerLovingHadMeABlast

I really don’t understand people who say the OW is irrelevant, she didn’t say the vows and she owes you nothing etc.

In society there is a contract where you are expected to behave yourself and if you don’t you end up fined, with a record or in jail.

The consequences of the behaviour of OW are, a ruined family, breakdowns, children may lose one parent, children may develop anxiety, houses get sold, someone loses half their assets, children live in poorer conditions, DC don’t get to see extended family etc. It’s like a tsunami of negative and life changing consequences. The OW was 50% complicit in these tangible, life changing events.

If I stole something off, or pushed, or slandered the OW, I would be in trouble with the law, but she can go ahead and destroy my marriage, wreck
my kids lives, lose half my family, strip me of 50% assets and future wealth in one shag.

I actually think you should be able to sue OW for your loss of income snd damages. I am deadly serious about that. It would also make them think twice.

Of course, the DH should also be strung up.

It’s not comparable with the examples you use. Stealing something is breaking the law, having an affair isn’t.

Your post is quite clearly placing equal blame on the OW by suggesting she be sued etc, the problem with this however, it detracts some of the blame for the man.

I agree the moral compass of a woman having an affair is off and it’s certainly nothing to be proud of but the blame ultimately lays with him 100%. It’s his wife, his children, his family and if he can’t control himself then it’s his problem no one else’s

People are selfish, some more so than others. The OW is clearly putting her needs/desires over and above those of what is ultimately a stranger. Again, morally it’s shit, but often the husband gets away with it, the wife forgives him and ‘the affair happened all because the other women chucked herself at my poor DH’

The reason she’s irrelevant is that if it wasn’t her it would be someone else…

Human beings can’t be stolen,they’re not possessions or objects
As unpalatable as it is,people have affairs because they chose to,they want to
Sue the ow? If the wife is unwaged housewife how does she she for loss of earnings that she doesn’t have. Unless you’re reducing a man to an economic commodity who is the sum of the salary he’s supposed to provide

The OW is clearly putting her needs/desires over and above those of what is ultimately a stranger. Again, morally it’s shit

Is it? Isn't that what we all do every day when we contribute to global warming, buy clothes and shoes and tech made in horrible conditions, don't give to a homeless person, buy property that pushes up prices for renters, etc etc etc.

No one puts a strangers happiness above their own.

Sorry , the point was meant to be if it matters that it's morally shit as that's what we all do. Morality isn't absolute.

Morality isn't absolute.

Some people’s is. And you’ve just hit the heart of what this about. What some people find morally repugnant others shrug off. Moral compasses vary.

I think the OW is fed all the lines and chooses to believe them.

‘We are only together for the children/we lead separate lives/we’re planning to divorce/we never have sex’ etc etc