AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

[DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone]

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

DesdemonaDryEyes

“Monogamy is totally unnatural.”

Works for many.

@CounsellorTroi

Would all those saying the OW is irrelevant to a husband cheating say the same if the OW was a friend of the husband's wife? Or their sister? Or is that still 100% 0n the man and the woman is still blameless?

It's an aggravating factor. Each commitment is on the person who made it. In that case, OW is betraying a friendship/family relationship. Husband is betraying his marriage.

But I can't see the wife feeling very comforted if either were to claim they were only half responsible.

If the spouse is the bank robber, the OW is the getaway driver

We did this one already. It's a crap analogy. He still robbed the bank himself. And the getaway driver could be anyone. Anyway, the laws of theft cover us all. Private promises don't.

Better analogy: he works for the bank and signs a contract to say that he won't take anyone into the vault. Having made this commitment, he is given the keys. He then invites someone down into the vault.

Now you can say she's wrong to go to the vault when she knew she shouldn't, and you'd be right. But she didn't sign the contract and doesn't work for the bank. And she couldn't have gone there if he hadn't taken her. He had the keys. It's his job and his responsibility.

And even if she had refused, should the bank keep him on now he's demonstrated he's willing to take people to the vault?

I personally hold women up to higher standards than men. Because women have higher standards.

Men have always cheated, and always will. They are dogs. They are sexist, and misogynist, and given the chance a lot them will stray.

Any woman who believes a married man when he tells her his marriage is dead should be sceptical whether he is telling the truth. And if the marriage is dead, then it is incredibly easy to find out if that’s true. Ask his wife. Demand to hear it first from his wife before commencing any relationships. If it’s true, then there will be no problem in that regard.

This woman in the OP’s post is a shit. And so too is the man. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Both can be called out on this. And both should be. They deserve criticism. Both of them.

How both of them can sleep at night? Probably easily. Because they are both shits who wouldn’t know a conscience if it slapped them in the face.

You do realise men pick someone gullible who believes the tales of how awful the wife is & that they haven't slept together in years. Plus a common one is we are separated , when they're still together. It's too easy to blame the other woman. I was 19, a virgin, still grieving my Dad who'd just died & an emotional, suicidal wreck when I was pursued by a married ,35 year old. He didn't care, I was just extra sex ,& the thrill of the chase. And he'd cheated on his wife for years. In the end she divorced him & his new gf fleeced him of every penny & ran off.

I personally hold women up to higher standards than men. Because women have higher standards

And

Men have always cheated, and always will. They are dogs. They are sexist, and misogynist, and given the chance a lot them will stray

Can you honestly not see the irony in accusing men of sexism whilst indulging in a timeless misogyny yourself in those two sentences?

Cheating men adore what you are saying there you know? It means they can do what they like and not be responsible, cos there's a stupid slutty woman to blame, innit? You are the best friend of cheating bastards everywhere.

I personally hold women up to higher standards than men....[Men] are sexist, and misogynist

And so are you. We can therefore dismiss anything you have to say on the matter.

But kudos for owning it. I think you're the only person on this thread who has, and hasn't tried to pretend that's not what you're doing.

ripples101

I personally hold women up to higher standards than men. Because women have higher standards.

Men have always cheated, and always will. They are dogs. They are sexist, and misogynist, and given the chance a lot them will stray.

Any woman who believes a married man when he tells her his marriage is dead should be sceptical whether he is telling the truth. And if the marriage is dead, then it is incredibly easy to find out if that’s true. Ask his wife. Demand to hear it first from his wife before commencing any relationships. If it’s true, then there will be no problem in that regard.

This woman in the OP’s post is a shit. And so too is the man. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Both can be called out on this. And both should be. They deserve criticism. Both of them.

How both of them can sleep at night? Probably easily. Because they are both shits who wouldn’t know a conscience if it slapped them in the face.“

Wow.

My experience (nearly 60 now) is that most people, women and men, are pretty decent.

You always get the same on these threads when it comes to 'other women' and their views. Those who were naive and young and got taken in by a scumbag, and those who have no conscience about being the OW and post to that effect, as we've seen on here.

I always pity the latter more.

@DrSbaitso

When a man shags about, we may ask how he could have done this to his family but we never ask WHY. We may not approve, but we are not at all mystified as to why a man would have enjoyable sex when it's available.

But the woman? Just why? Why would a woman enjoy sex or want it? Surely women don't enjoy sex enough to overcome the moral opposition? It's such a mystery! Why would a woman want to have sex?

Do these women enjoy the chase & then F off once the damage is done? Or do they expect to live happily with a man who’s cheated & assume he’s not going to be a wanker & just do the same to her as soon as he’s fed up again?!

See? Total mystery and the only answer can be competitiveness or a wish to take the wife's place. Anything except the same reason a man does: because sex is enjoyable.

That doesn't make it right, of course, but why is it so easy to understand that men do it because they like sex, and so impossible to believe the same of women?

Wonderful perspective

People who cheat are shits. I don’t care if they are men or women.

The husband deserves more contempt than the woman he is cheating on his wife with. But she deserves criticism as well. It isn’t one or the other for me.

I’ll own my own opinion @DrSbaitso and you are free to dismiss it all you want. Free to read into it whatever you wish. I couldn’t care less.

ripples101

People who cheat are shits. I don’t care if they are men or women.

The husband deserves more contempt than the woman he is cheating on his wife with. But she deserves criticism as well. It isn’t one or the other for me.

I’ll own my own opinion @DrSbaitso and you are free to dismiss it all you want. Free to read into it whatever you wish. I couldn’t care less “

I’m not condoning women, or men for that matter, knowingly sleeping with a married/commited family person. The only person cheating though is the married/commited person, not the person they are sleeping with, who owes the partner nothing.

@ripples101

Why do you hold women to higher standards than men, just out of interest?

@DrSbaitso

I personally hold women up to higher standards than men....[Men] are sexist, and misogynist

And so are you. We can therefore dismiss anything you have to say on the matter.

But kudos for owning it. I think you're the only person on this thread who has, and hasn't tried to pretend that's not what you're doing.

👏👏👏

My best friend has been an OW for two years.
She had a minor crush on that guy, who found out and seduced her.

He said many many times that he didn't love his partner, that they were together just for the baby's sake.
Each time she wanted to leave him because she was tired of waiting, he'd manipulate her again and again, she was madly in love with him, she was making plans to live with him, even considering buying a place which would be suitable for the baby.
They were hardly secret, they had the same group of friends and everybody knew they were together.

One night, she texted me, said she needed a drink, met her in a bar, and she was devastated, crying like I've never seen someone cry, the partner had found out, confronted her, and they both confronted him. Turned out they were actually TTC for another baby at the time and were very much lovers, not flatmates as he said.

Just imagine how her life has been turned around within an evening. The day before, she had grand plans, she was in love and felt loved as well, the next day, she was crying in my arms, knowing that she'd never see him again.

She never manipulated him. She was manipulated big time.
She's a good person whose mistake was to not foresee what she would get into.
He's a dirty scumbag.

So easy to put the blame on women.

"but why do you think anyone should care about people they don't know? Why should they put complete strangers above themselves exactly?"
Usually I'll rttt but this comment, even more than the "don't think about the OW/she hasn't taken vows etc." riles me. Therein lies society's root problem. Why, indeed, should we give a flying one about strangers?
How about empathy?
How about dispensing with this carnival of ever-accelerating, narcissistic, instant gratification?
Plenty of men are ready to be 'helpless' 'victims' of a femme fatale, & their own pathetic libido.
Just as many were not bothered until temptation wilfully put herself in his path: building emotional relationships, or repeated 'chance' meetings. My old landlady was a serial OW, and I saw her playbook (& that of her pals-OW often stick together).
So, yeah, think about the moral lousiness of both. Can a wife rebuild a relationship, rebuild trust, after such a breach? Is she in such need of companionship that she'll live with frayed trust?
Every partnership is different, but cheating is cheating & takes both party's willing involvement - including playing the "oh its already over" "I really thought they were separated" etc. game.
I hope the wife finds the path she wants henceforth. And squeezes some dark Pick Me fun out of the denouement.

I was the OW once, for a very short time. He was my boss, I was 18. I knew he was married and had a baby. According to him, his wife didn't want the baby and left its care almost entirely to him, he and his wife had no relationship etc. I had been brought up a Catholic and was v uncomfortable with the situation but boy I was also besotted. This lasted for about two months and then I couldn't cope with my conscience any more and we broke up.

I met him on a train years later, and he had left his wife, had custody of his child, and they were doing well. His wife didn't particularly want to see her child so contact was sporadic.

I appreciate that all of my information came from him, so could be true or not. I'll never know, but I do feel a bit better about it after seeing him on the train. Apparently, his parents had told him kidnap me and run away together!

Anyway, the answer to your question is that I didn't sleep very well at night, and so stopped it. I've never been the other woman again.

They are shitty humans .

You absolutely can blame them (and him too) if they break up a family and kids get hurt and their lives uprooted then they are an absolute fucking disgrace and deserve to suffer.

from the earliest age at which I knew what an OW was, I swore that in sisterhood with other women, I would never, ever be one. No matter how much I fancied a bloke, had crazy hots for him, he was out of bounds. If only ALL women did this, there would be far fewer cheating men breaking women's hearts.

However, as I progressed through Real Life, I found that there are endless numbers of women who have no morals in this direction, and I discovered that there is no such thing as sisterhood.

One of my closest, longest-standing friends tried to get my boyfriend into bed. It was he who resisted.

My best friend actually slept with a man I had been dating for a few weeks, and then begged him to give me up.

A workmate flirted with another boyfriend of mine, and tried to kiss and seduce him.

When I was 45, my best friend of 4 years' standing slept with my partner behind my back, then rang me to tell me: he's MINE now.

Eventually I realised I was the only woman sticking to this code and dropped it. I had a sex affair with a married man and I didn't give his wife a single thought.

So you’re basically saying, ‘Everyone else is doing it, so why can’t I?’ I didn’t realise grown women needed to copy their friends.

Because mostly people do what makes them happy. Why should people feel a twinge of conscience about a stranger if her own husband isn't bothered.

@CounsellorTroi

I’m of the opinion that the other woman is irrelevant. It’s not her fault someone’s ‘D’H is an utter pig and can’t keep it in his pants.

What about "it takes two to tango"?

He’s not available to be ‘tangoing’ with anyone!

@pinkcircustop

I’m happily married, have been for a very long time and I would never be the other woman, but you absolutely cannot blame her.

She has no loyalties to the family; he does. She isn’t forcing him to have sex with her. He is choosing her.

She’s still a willing, significant instrument in the breakdown of a marriage/relationship. Still partly to blame.

So all men want to cheat and it’s up to women they don’t even know to make sure that they don’t?

Honestly if my husband had that little respect and self control I’d rather he did cheat. If all that was stopping him was other women I wouldn’t want him anyway.

And I’m not saying that the other woman is a lovely person who has done a nice thing. But she isn’t responsible for making sure a man doesn’t betray his family. That’s all on him, if all that’s stopping him is a woman saying no then he’s a shit husband and person from the get-go.