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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

406 replies

DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone · 01/08/2021 12:21

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 13:19

Humans aren’t wholly altruistic. We do not routinely prioritise strangers before ourselves
Otherwise you’d never get on a bus as you’d routinely let others on in front of you. Out shopping you don’t deny yourself items to purchase to make sure you leave enough for strangers
One only has to look at the hoarding behaviour during pandemic to see people routinely don’t prioritise strangers

Polmuggle · 02/08/2021 13:24

@Blossomtoes

Morality isn't absolute.

Some people’s is. And you’ve just hit the heart of what this about. What some people find morally repugnant others shrug off. Moral compasses vary.

Can you really think of even one person whose morality is absolute?
Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 13:28

Yes, several in fact. My parents’ was, mine is and my son’s is. So is my husband’s. All of us have/had red lines which we absolutely would not cross.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 13:29

@Blossomtoes

Yes, several in fact. My parents’ was, mine is and my son’s is. So is my husband’s. All of us have/had red lines which we absolutely would not cross.
it doesn't mean you are right, or that anyone else has to agree about these "red lines".

And you are likely crossing some lines that others wouldn't cross.

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 13:32

it doesn't mean you are right, or that anyone else has to agree about these "red lines". And you are likely crossing some lines that others wouldn't cross.

I know that. It was kind of the entire point I was making. Sigh

SW1amp · 02/08/2021 13:41

@Polmuggle

The OW is clearly putting her needs/desires over and above those of what is ultimately a stranger. Again, morally it’s shit

Is it? Isn't that what we all do every day when we contribute to global warming, buy clothes and shoes and tech made in horrible conditions, don't give to a homeless person, buy property that pushes up prices for renters, etc etc etc.

No one puts a strangers happiness above their own.

You might not but pretty much everyone I know gives to charity, buys fair trade, doesn’t game the system for school admissions, does their bit for society

Our entire street had a rota during lockdowns time do food bank deliveries in the local area, none of us knew any of the people we were helping out

There have been a few cases recently where a drug company has ramped up the costs of medication for their own gain

The responses to that was absolute outrage - how can people put their own need for money/profit above the needs of people wanting that medication

Using your attitude, there should be nothing wrong with that - landlords shouldn’t give a shit about tenants, drug companies should scalp patients
After all, they are just strangers, right?

TableFlowerss · 02/08/2021 14:19

@Polmuggle

The OW is clearly putting her needs/desires over and above those of what is ultimately a stranger. Again, morally it’s shit

Is it? Isn't that what we all do every day when we contribute to global warming, buy clothes and shoes and tech made in horrible conditions, don't give to a homeless person, buy property that pushes up prices for renters, etc etc etc.

No one puts a strangers happiness above their own.

I agree with you actually, that’s exactly my thoughts but some how when it comes to having affairs, many people blame the OW.

My position is that it’s absolutely not on her, but it’s on the DH doing the cheating. Having an affair is not illegal, but I agree that morally it’s not something every woman would do.

That said, it goes back to your point that we rarely put the needs of strangers above our own so why really, is having an affair with a married man any different. The OW is detached.

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2021 14:22

The same attitude as those panic buying and stockpiling prior to the first lockdown. After all other people needing stuff are just strangers?

TableFlowerss · 02/08/2021 14:24

@Blossomtoes

Morality isn't absolute.

Some people’s is. And you’ve just hit the heart of what this about. What some people find morally repugnant others shrug off. Moral compasses vary.

Absolutely nailed that point! So true.
NCfordis · 02/08/2021 14:27

I was the OW for a few months many years ago. The guy had a fiancee. No kids. I was single. We met at uni while doing the same course.

How I slept at night? At the time I was pretty bitter and jaded tbh. I'd come out of a really, really bad breakup and not long watched a parent drink themselves to death, plus was dealing with serious debt issues and health problems. The breakup and parental death broke me and I changed quite a lot. Felt quite angry at the fact I'd always tried to be a good, nice, decent person, treat others well, and that life had shit on me so intensely anyway. I snapped and started thinking 'fuck everyone else', I lost so much empathy for others. So I compartmentalised basically.

He kept telling me he was going to tell her, leave her, and live with me, and I believed him, felt like it was just another couple of weeks cos this or that kept coming up to prevent him from actually doing it... until after 4-5m I realised it was never happening and ended it myself. He was telling me he didn't share a bed with her or have sex with her and in a twisted way I felt like we had the 'real' relationships while they were just roommates. I even managed to convince myself it was for the best for all of us, including her, because it was better for him to leave her and she'd be better off without a cheat, than for him to stay with her living a lie while in love with someone else. How delusional I realise it is looking back.

There was also the factor of the intense connection and chemistry between us, I mean, when we were together there wasn't really much space for thought of her, we were so intensely into one another. The pure attraction and sexual chemistry was intense enough to blow away all thoughts of what I was doing to her. I don't buy that I was innocent and it was all on him because he was the one in a relationship, I was equally as terrible a person, I helped to do a horrific thing to another human who'd never done anything to hurt me. It's one of my only regrets in life. I really, really, really fucked up. I've never cheated on anyone in my life but realise I have no moral highground due to what I did with him. I've never been involved in infidelity before or since and believe I never would. It opened my eyes to a really awful dark side of me that I never want to revisit.

I'm utterly ashamed. They ended up marrying but then divorcing quickly after, I don't know why. He had cheated on everyone he'd ever been with. He told me years later she knew as he told her after things ended, though I don't know if that's true. We managed to stay friendly after it ended as we had to see one another for the rest of the degree. I don't really have any feelings for him either way anymore. I will always feel like a piece of shit for it.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 14:30

You might not but pretty much everyone I know gives to charity, buys fair trade, doesn’t game the system for school admissions, does their bit for society

or basically makes themselves feel better with a few gestures but turns a blind eye over everything else they do or condone that is morally questionable...

How do you know the woman sleeping with a married man is not doing just as much for charities if not more than you are?

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 14:35

or basically makes themselves feel better with a few gestures but turns a blind eye over everything else they do or condone that is morally questionable...

The entire point of this argument is that different people have different moral standards. Very few people turn a blind eye or condone things that they personally consider morally questionable. All any of us can do is consult our own personal moral compass. It’s really not that difficult a concept to understand.

Grapewrath · 02/08/2021 14:35

I was once the other woman. No kids involved so probably more the other gf.
I didn’t know about the GF initially but didn’t stop when I did. I didn’t really think about her, actually. I was young and completely besotted with the bloke. Total fool for him.
It didn’t end well for any of us tbh and though he left her for me, he ended up doing it again of course.
Anyway oddly at the time I didn’t feel any guilt or lose any sleep

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 14:37

pretty much everyone I know gives to charity, buys fair trade, doesn’t game the system for school admissions, does their bit for society
I’d suggest in that case they are solvent and settled with a school place they’re happy with then. No one selflessly and habitually forgoes their own advantage to do their bit.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 14:39

@EspressoDoubleShot

pretty much everyone I know gives to charity, buys fair trade, doesn’t game the system for school admissions, does their bit for society I’d suggest in that case they are solvent and settled with a school place they’re happy with then. No one selflessly and habitually forgoes their own advantage to do their bit.
if they did, that would be very morally questionable anyway. If parents don't do their best for their children, there is something wrong with them.
EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 14:42

Yes, no one habitually disadvantages themselves to advantage others
Oh,please offer my place at oustanding rated school to another child, in fact a stranger’s child

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 14:43

if they did, that would be very morally questionable anyway. If parents don't do their best for their children, there is something wrong with them

See, here you go again - that’s your morality, it’s not everyone’s. You might think gaming the school system is fine, I wouldn’t.

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 14:46

It’s a broken system. I used my salary to buy in an affluent area to secure a place in catchment of an outstanding school . I’m fortunate and I made that active choice.

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 14:49

@EspressoDoubleShot

It’s a broken system. I used my salary to buy in an affluent area to secure a place in catchment of an outstanding school . I’m fortunate and I made that active choice.
That’s not gaming the system. Gaming it would be temporarily renting a flat in the catchment area of a good school when you owned a house elsewhere. Or giving grandparents’ address.
EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 14:54

Plenty in the area do rent,get school place immediately move out

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 15:04

I did game the system in that I can afford the extra on the asking price in the catchment area that arises from demand, The, same house close but not in catchment sells for less and takes longer to sell

Polmuggle · 02/08/2021 15:05

@Blossomtoes

if they did, that would be very morally questionable anyway. If parents don't do their best for their children, there is something wrong with them

See, here you go again - that’s your morality, it’s not everyone’s. You might think gaming the school system is fine, I wouldn’t.

Exactly, because morality isn't absolute.

Saying your morality is absolute is different. Doesn't have anything to do with OW or affairs because the fact is that morality as a concept is variable - we all disagree on what's acceptable, including being an OW.

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 15:17

I know @Polmuggle. We agree. 🤷‍♀️

Polmuggle · 02/08/2021 15:30

@Blossomtoes

I know *@Polmuggle*. We agree. 🤷‍♀️
Sorry @Blossomtoes. Teaches me to scan rather than properly read!
Conkergame · 02/08/2021 15:47

Thank you @DrSbaitso for helping me with some of my thinking on this - I’ve always been confused as I see myself as a strong feminist but I also think a woman who is knowingly an OW has bad morals and I wouldn’t want to be their friend. I don’t think a woman can turn a man who doesn’t want to be turned (or vice versa with a man turning a woman).

I think the problem on MN is that it is mostly women on here so we tend to hear from women whose husbands have cheated on them rather than from men whose wives have cheated on them. If we heard more of a balance maybe we’d also get lots of threads saying how awful the OM was and asking how could he break up a family?

I don’t “blame” the other person for an affair, but my problem with them (whether they are a man or a woman) is that they KNOW that the husband or wife and any children involved are likely to be devastated, have their lives thrown upside down and their families torn apart but just shrug and think “well I don’t owe them anything, so who cares?” Well I care about not hurting people, whether they are people I know or not. I just couldn’t be a part of bringing that devastation into someone else’s life!

That said, as has been show many times on this thread, many “other people” probably actually don’t know about the pain that will be caused, as they’ve been spun a lie by the husband/wife about how the relationship is already dead. Every case is different.

But I do think there’s a special place in hell for men/women who cheat with their friend’s spouse whilst keeping friendly to their friend. Who could actually do that?! For some reason that feels worse to me than the cheating spouse! Maybe because I have such long standing, close friends and I know a betrayal from them would be worse than a betrayal by my husband!