Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over not sharing bedroom with dsd

345 replies

Dustydolly · 31/07/2021 23:27

Don't know of I'm being a complete over reacting drama queen here or if my dp is being twatty disney dad.

10 year old Dsd has come to stay for 2 weeks, she shares a room here with her step sibling, has a bed with space for her belongings etc. But she has insisted on sleeping in a blow up bed in my and dps bedroom.

This has been happening quite a lot over the past couple of months, she's woken up in the night saying she's had a nightmare or doesn't feel too well and wants to get in our bed, personally I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with dsd so on these occasions I'll swap beds with her however tonight she has come and said she's staying in our room for the whole 2 weeks. I tried to talk to dp about this and said no, she should be sleeping in her bed and I'm not happy to sleep in a bottom bunk for 2 weeks, Well guess where I am because dsd got her way and dp has just ignored my feelings on it, I suppose it annoys me even more because if my ds (not his child) tries climbing in our bed or there's any mention of him sleeping anywhere but in his bed, in his room, dp throws a hissy fit and says absolutely not, he's in his bed and that's that.
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
blahblahblah321 · 01/08/2021 12:04

[quote feelingmehtoday]@blahblahblah321

OP texted her partner to ask why is dsd not sleeping in her own room, and received the reply "because she doesn't want to".

Does that sound to you like a Dad who is motivated to dig a little deeper, get to the bottom of it, help his dd work towards independence as a pre teen? It doesn't to me. It sounds like "it's happening and that's the end of that". [/quote]
I read that that OP asked why doesn't DSD want to sleep in her own bed, and the response was "she doesn't want to" - factually correct for that question. Of course she doesn't want to, otherwise she'd be in her own bed. Nothing in that response to say her Dad doesn't want to do anything about it, or look into it in more detail.

He is a dick if he doesn't get to the bottom of it, he is a dick of a partner if he just lets his daughter continue to behave like this, however in the few posts the OP has done, I can't say what is going on and what her partner is trying to do to deal with it

lightlysparkling · 01/08/2021 12:17

@Aquamarine1029

Take the blinders off and accept what a shit relationship you're in. There is no fixing this level of imbalance. End this farce now and move on.
Yep. Your dp is a dickhead.
MyriadeOfThings · 01/08/2021 12:21

I've asked dp tonight why she won't sleep in her bed and all I get is a text from him "she doesn't want to"

Well maybe it's time to be as forceful as he is about your ds/his dd.
The fact he is happy to tell you what to do regarding your ds (no he isn't allowed in the marital bed) and his dd (yes she IS allowed in the marrital bed) says it all really.
Does he really thinks he can call all the shots and whatever he says goes?

MyriadeOfThings · 01/08/2021 12:22

@blahblahblah321, the factual anseer 'she doesn't want to' is simply a way to shit down the conversation.
There is no discussion possible aorund that. She doesn;'t want to so no need to explain. That's it and you have to live with it because I've decided that what she wants she gets.

There is actually a hell of a lot said with this simple answer tbh.

Maddison12 · 01/08/2021 12:25

She shares a room with my 15 year dd at the moment which isn't ideal but obviously she can't share with my ds, my dd is away at her fathers 50/50 so actually dsd has the bedroom to herself a lot of the time.

Why are people keep saying she shouldn't be sharing with a boy? Nobody's making her share with a boy! Too many people struggle with basic reading on here Confused

Newestname001 · 01/08/2021 12:26

[quote MyriadeOfThings]@blahblahblah321, the factual anseer 'she doesn't want to' is simply a way to shit down the conversation.
There is no discussion possible aorund that. She doesn;'t want to so no need to explain. That's it and you have to live with it because I've decided that what she wants she gets.

There is actually a hell of a lot said with this simple answer tbh.[/quote]

Yes that's definitely shutting the OP down - and challenging her inclination to get things on a fairer, more even level. 🌹

LizzieW1969 · 01/08/2021 12:56

Why are people keep saying she shouldn't be sharing with a boy? Nobody's making her share with a boy! Too many people struggle with basic reading on here Confused*

Because the OP didn’t mention her DD in her first post, so a few early posters made an assumption that her DSD was being expected to share with her DS. A lot of people don’t RTFT, they only skim through and that’s how misunderstandings get accepted as fact.

YANBU, OP. If your DSD needs reassurance from her dad at night, he needs to go to her room. But he isn’t doing her any favours by not training her to stay in her own bed at night. (Barring the occasional nightmare, in which circumstances he should go into her bedroom.)

a8mint · 01/08/2021 13:00

I feel sorry for your DSD. I can quite understand why she doesnt want to lodge in your dds bedroom. A non related 15 yer old when she is only 10.
she didnt have any say in her parents splitting up and a step family being foisted on her.You and your DP did that, to her. You should be the ones living with the consequences.
Bottom line is neither of you want to sleep in your DDs room , but she is at least your daughter not just someone you have randomly been thrown together with.

QueenBee52 · 01/08/2021 13:08

@a8mint

I feel sorry for your DSD. I can quite understand why she doesnt want to lodge in your dds bedroom. A non related 15 yer old when she is only 10. she didnt have any say in her parents splitting up and a step family being foisted on her.You and your DP did that, to her. You should be the ones living with the consequences. Bottom line is neither of you want to sleep in your DDs room , but she is at least your daughter not just someone you have randomly been thrown together with.

Jesus

no wonder blended families have issues with attitudes like this .. 😳

worriedatthemoment · 01/08/2021 13:28

@a8mint maybe the op children think the same but they put up with it
People move on and have new relationships most kids accept this , the op doesn't say how long they have been together it could if been 8 years for all we know

MyriadeOfThings · 01/08/2021 13:32

@a8mint

I feel sorry for your DSD. I can quite understand why she doesnt want to lodge in your dds bedroom. A non related 15 yer old when she is only 10. she didnt have any say in her parents splitting up and a step family being foisted on her.You and your DP did that, to her. You should be the ones living with the consequences. Bottom line is neither of you want to sleep in your DDs room , but she is at least your daughter not just someone you have randomly been thrown together with.
Actually she the OP's partner daughter, not the OP's.

Which goes a long way to explain why she doesn't want to share her bed with her, no more than her partner wants to share his bed her ds!! (Who hasn't chosen to be in this situation blablabla).
I'd say it's up to the FATHER to sort the situation out, in a way that doesn't systematically dismissing the OP's feelings because ot works for him.

bumblebeebanana · 01/08/2021 13:47

yeah yanbu at all. especially if your dh doesn’t allow the same rules for your son

a8mint · 01/08/2021 13:50

@myriadeofthings
I think my comment was quite clear that i knew she was ops step daughter. I suggested op and her 15 yo dd shared

KatherineOfGaunt · 01/08/2021 14:26

[quote a8mint]@myriadeofthings
I think my comment was quite clear that i knew she was ops step daughter. I suggested op and her 15 yo dd shared[/quote]
But they're not forcing DSD to stay in the same room as DD (who isn't there half the time anyway), the DSD can sleep on a mattress in their room. But she doesn't want to, she wants to sleep in the same bed as them both! A 10-year-old, if scared, should be fine in the same room. There's no need for 3 of them to share a bed in this scenario.

The fact that there's sometimes three people in one double when there are TWO empty beds in the next room is bizarre. So the OP feels she has to move, when it should be the DSD who is encouraged to either sleep on the mattress in their room, or she can sleep in the bunk bed with her dad on the mattress in the same room, so OP can be in the bed.

The DSD and DP are essentially making the decision that three of them should share a bed. The OP doesn't get a say. That's not right.

MeridianB · 01/08/2021 14:27

Why shouldn’t the two girls share a room? Millions of children everywhere share bedrooms. Not everyone can afford properties with lots of bedrooms.

QueenBee52 · 01/08/2021 14:27

[quote a8mint]@myriadeofthings
I think my comment was quite clear that i knew she was ops step daughter. I suggested op and her 15 yo dd shared[/quote]

you're being ridiculous 🤣

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 14:35

[quote MyriadeOfThings]@blahblahblah321, the factual anseer 'she doesn't want to' is simply a way to shit down the conversation.
There is no discussion possible aorund that. She doesn;'t want to so no need to explain. That's it and you have to live with it because I've decided that what she wants she gets.

There is actually a hell of a lot said with this simple answer tbh.[/quote]
Exactly. Pretty obvious to most people I'd have thought Hmm

a8mint · 01/08/2021 14:49

The DSD and DP are essentially making the decision that three of them should share a bed. The OP doesn't get a say. That's not right.
Op has hada lot more say in the development of this situation than her step daughter, that is for sure. Why are the little girls feelings less important than the Op's?

a8mint · 01/08/2021 14:54

Why shouldn’t the two girls share a room?
Not related, big age difference,, unwelcoming teenage stepsister, doesn't know her very well

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 14:55

@a8mint

The DSD and DP are essentially making the decision that three of them should share a bed. The OP doesn't get a say. That's not right. Op has hada lot more say in the development of this situation than her step daughter, that is for sure. Why are the little girls feelings less important than the Op's?

Oh come off it. A 10 year old does not get to dictate sleeping arrangements in most households, blended family or nuclear family. Anyone who thinks this is appropriate is going to end up with very spoilt children.

a8mint · 01/08/2021 14:56

He would be in the bunk bed as from tomorrow, with his daughter close by

And then where would the 15 year old sleep?

a8mint · 01/08/2021 15:01

I tbink its a very salient point that singe parents get together and then expect their dcgo be happy being thrown together with stepsiblings - there id a world of difference between this and full or even half siblings who have grown up wth them from newborn. Not understanding this, indicates a huge lack of emotional intelligence (and often even selfishness)

2bazookas · 01/08/2021 15:02

I bet DSD's mother would be absolutely horrified if anyone told her DSD was sharing the marital bed with Dad and his stark nekkid new wife.

   You do sleep stark nekkid, don't you OP? These hot summer nights.....
MeridianB · 01/08/2021 15:03

@a8mint

Why shouldn’t the two girls share a room? Not related, big age difference,, unwelcoming teenage stepsister, doesn't know her very well
They are not related. That’s a fact. The rest you have just created out of thin air.
Gilmorehill · 01/08/2021 15:05

I voted YANBU but then I realised she’s having to share with a boy. That’s not on.