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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over not sharing bedroom with dsd

345 replies

Dustydolly · 31/07/2021 23:27

Don't know of I'm being a complete over reacting drama queen here or if my dp is being twatty disney dad.

10 year old Dsd has come to stay for 2 weeks, she shares a room here with her step sibling, has a bed with space for her belongings etc. But she has insisted on sleeping in a blow up bed in my and dps bedroom.

This has been happening quite a lot over the past couple of months, she's woken up in the night saying she's had a nightmare or doesn't feel too well and wants to get in our bed, personally I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with dsd so on these occasions I'll swap beds with her however tonight she has come and said she's staying in our room for the whole 2 weeks. I tried to talk to dp about this and said no, she should be sleeping in her bed and I'm not happy to sleep in a bottom bunk for 2 weeks, Well guess where I am because dsd got her way and dp has just ignored my feelings on it, I suppose it annoys me even more because if my ds (not his child) tries climbing in our bed or there's any mention of him sleeping anywhere but in his bed, in his room, dp throws a hissy fit and says absolutely not, he's in his bed and that's that.
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
CallmeHendricks · 01/08/2021 10:19

"A 10 year old girl shouldn’t be expected to share a room with a boy!"

RTFT, for goodness sake. IT'S NOT A BOY.

funinthesun19 · 01/08/2021 10:19

She’s doesn’t share a room with a boy. She shares with OP’s DD.

frazzledasarock · 01/08/2021 10:20

@Lolwhat she’s sharing with a 15 year old GIRL who’s only using the room half the time anyway.

Did you not read the OP’s posts?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 01/08/2021 10:21

@Lolwhat

A 10 year old girl shouldn’t be expected to share a room with a boy! I think it’s fair enough she sleeps in your room but she shouldn’t be in your bed! Maybe she’s just missed her dad?
Fucking hell!
funinthesun19 · 01/08/2021 10:22

So the op’s 15 year old goes to her dad’s for the weekend and her mother’s boyfriend sleeps in her bed while she is away?

I doubt the 15 year old would like the thought of that.
I’ll put my money on it being all left to the op to clean the bedsheets after he’s used them too.

CallmeHendricks · 01/08/2021 10:23

I think you need to be chucking your toys out of the pram on this one.
Tell him it is YOUR bedroom and you WILL NOT be sharing it with his child (because you "don't want to," to use the reason he deemed acceptable from his dd).

Or, you and your DCs could go elsewhere for the fortnight (grandparents? Cousins? Friends?), or would that give your DP a headache with childcare?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 01/08/2021 10:25

@CallmeHendricks

I think you need to be chucking your toys out of the pram on this one. Tell him it is YOUR bedroom and you WILL NOT be sharing it with his child (because you "don't want to," to use the reason he deemed acceptable from his dd).

Or, you and your DCs could go elsewhere for the fortnight (grandparents? Cousins? Friends?), or would that give your DP a headache with childcare?

Sod that, the partner and his daughter needs to go.
VickyEadieofThigh · 01/08/2021 10:26

@Dustydolly

I haven't meant to come across as I'm bashing dsd, I'm pissed off with my dp not her. Yes she can be a bit manipulative with her dad but she's 10 and pushing boundaries I get that.

I also get she may not always be comfortable sharing with my dd and as I said earlier it's not ideal, its not exactly always a picnic for my dd either but that's our situation at moment.

I've asked dp tonight why she won't sleep in her bed and all I get is a text from him "she doesn't want to"

"She doesn't want to" - will she be allowed to say that about everything from now on, I wonder?
Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 10:29

If this were me he’d be the ex.

JoborPlay · 01/08/2021 10:32

I have no issue with kids wanting to sleep in parents rooms or beds. I'd be perfectly happy with DSD in my room with us BUT I'd expect DP to have the same courtesy for your own son. And it worries me that he doesn't.

Antwerpen · 01/08/2021 10:32

@Aquamarine1029

Take the blinders off and accept what a shit relationship you're in. There is no fixing this level of imbalance. End this farce now and move on.
This
feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 10:34

"She doesn't want to" - will she be allowed to say that about everything from now on, I wonder?

Yep.

MrsMaizel · 01/08/2021 10:34

This is ludicrous - sharing a bed with a 10 year old ? The problem is that men are blind to faults and issues in their daughters when they are divorced and he doesn't want to make a fuss /is lazy/hopes it will blow over . The 10 year old seems to think she rules the roost as well and she needs to find out that this is not the case. He is probably scared that she won't come unless she gets her own way . You and he need to have a serious talk about this and lay it on the line - you have had enough but this sleeping arrangement isn't working . Suggest he also speaks to his ex about it as I am sure she would not be happy with her daughter sleeping in beside you. His daughter is not a baby . No sleeping on a blow up bed in your room either .

mm8989 · 01/08/2021 10:35

SD is highly manipulative, and he's enabling that.
NO needs to heard. If he can't follow through, throw him out.

FairFuming · 01/08/2021 10:35

Whose house is it? How long have yous lived together?

I'd put dp and his DD in a blow up bed in the livingroom.
In no way is it ok for him to expect you to leave your own bed for even one night.

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 10:39

You, an adult woman, has been kicked out of your own bed in the middle of the night by a 10 yo..

It's incredible what some women put up with.

LatentPhase · 01/08/2021 10:42

This relationship is seriously imbalanced and lacks normal courtesy and respect.

Cut the crap about whether she does this at her mum’s, yada yada.

Seriously. This crap will never end because the relationship is all out of whack.

I would be dying on this here hill.

You sound lovely, OP. You can do better than this man.

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 10:54

*Cut the crap about whether she does this at her mum’s, yada yada.
*
It's relevant, though. If mum has allowed this too bad set this precedent the child will be expecting to be allowed to do the same with the other parent. Dad stands a better chance of nipping this ridiculousness in the bud if he parents in a consistent way with the child's mother. If that's not possible of course, then fine. He puts he foot down and says there are different rules here than at your mum's. But both his life and the child's would be made easier if a consistent message about this was sent.

me4real · 01/08/2021 10:58

YANBU and it sounds like this ten year old has some issues. Maybe now and again a child that age might want to be in their parents' bed (if they've had a really bad nightmare etc) but not all the time.

LatentPhase · 01/08/2021 10:59

I think what I’m saying is this behaviour says more about the dad’s ability to handle relationships than anything else.

His simplistic reply that DSD ‘doesn’t want to’ means he is blind to exploring both his dd’s needs as well as considering the OP’s needs.

And it’s simply not the OP’s job to ‘consider what’s happening in the other house’. That’s the dads job.

He is an epic relationship fail.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/08/2021 11:00

@nimbuscloud

If your 15 year old isnt there then your DP and his DD can sleep in there

So the op’s 15 year old goes to her dad’s for the weekend and her mother’s boyfriend sleeps in her bed while she is away?

No, the DP can sleep on the blow up on the floor.

But, if it were me, I'd be ending this relationship because he's not showing any respect towards OP.

Yes, I know all the stuff about prioritising DC first, but there is a line to be drawn, and allowing a 10 year old to rule the roost and claim OP's bedroom is not acceptable. And I would bet that all of this needing to sleep in her dad's room is a power play from the DSD, perhaps because she's feeling insecure in her relationship with her dad. Which isn't OP's fault.

OP, who's name is on the house? Yours, his or both? Because if he moved in to your place, it'll be easier to get rid.

GlencoraP · 01/08/2021 11:04

Surprised no one has pointed out how inappropriate it is for a pre pubescent 10 year old to be sharing a room , possibly a bed with her father. She could be at secondary school in a year and I can tell you if she mentioned this at school it would definitely be reported to the safeguarding lead. I don’t have experience of primary levels but I would have thought by age 10 the same concerns would be raised .

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/08/2021 11:05

@GlencoraP She could be at secondary school in a year and I can tell you if she mentioned this at school it would definitely be reported to the safeguarding lead. who would tell the busy body that it’s perfectly fine!

LatentPhase · 01/08/2021 11:07

Yeah I think the safeguarding risk line is taking things a bit far!!

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 11:08

@LatentPhase

I think what I’m saying is this behaviour says more about the dad’s ability to handle relationships than anything else.

His simplistic reply that DSD ‘doesn’t want to’ means he is blind to exploring both his dd’s needs as well as considering the OP’s needs.

And it’s simply not the OP’s job to ‘consider what’s happening in the other house’. That’s the dads job.

He is an epic relationship fail.

Yes I 100% agree - I didn't say it was OP's job to find anything out. But it would certainly be in dad's (and dsd's) interests to find out what mum allows at her house, as it would explain a lot. But Dad is clearly not motivated to do that.