To want a witty comeback to uncle dickhead

[Boxesonwardrobes]

Going to a wedding next week and my Uncle Dickhead will make a dig about me being a SAHP. Think “why don’t you get a job and take the pressure off Mr Boxes?”, “when are you going to contribute to society again?”, “haven’t you had enough of a holiday yet?” type thing (all actual examples).

For context, my kids are 5 & 2, previous to being a SAHP I was in academia, and DH earns well so we’re not short of money. My eldest is disabled and has SEN, she’s the reason I’m a SAHP, and me being at home has really helped her. I am her carer, and do lots of voluntary stuff related to her disability. I realise how lucky I am to have been able to make this choice. Everyone in my family is happy with this situation right now.

I haven’t really responded in the past as my mum hates conflict. But he’s such a wanker, I can’t let him keep putting me down in this way.

Any ideas? I’m thinking…

• I’m more than happy embracing my mediocrity thanks
• The amount of work involved in raising a disabled child is more than you could possibly comprehend, so mind your own business
• Fuck off

Thanks in advance

why don’t you get a job and take the pressure off Mr Boxes?

Thank you soooooo much, I will drop off the 2yo at 8am Monday. I'm so grateful for your help.
Or
Funny you shouldsay that, my spirit guide suggested that I am destined to become a flamingo breeder. I'm looking in to it.

when are you going to contribute to society again?

Do you say this to all the mummies, or am I special?
Or
My role in society is to field stupid questions from foolish men, so that others don't have to.

haven’t you had enough of a holiday yet?

You almost sound jealous, who lifted your rock?
If this is a holiday I'm asking for a refund.

Ignorant people don't deserve a verbal response. Just give him the 'look' - imagine he's having a really hard shit, then laugh at the image!!

'Why don't you mind your own business?'

Again and again and again.

My reply - ‘why would I bother getting a job when I can sit at home all day watching this morning and loose women whilst my husband is out slaving away all day to keep me. I’m disappointed that they cancelled Jeremy Kyle but I guess everyone has some difficulties in life’.

I actually had a Childminder like this (she was my CM as I was a full time working single parent) and she was obsessed with how ‘easy’ my life is and she wished she had time to sit and watch tv all day like I did, how was Jeremy Kyle this morning, I bet you don’t have to worry about finding time to cook etc. She used to tell other people it too.

I tried many times to explain I wake up at 5:30 and after work need to do all of the hoovering, washing, cleaning, cooking etc so didn’t go to bed late but she wouldn’t hear it so in the end I used to just agree with her and agree that I’m so lucky which she hated and barely spoke to me afterwards. Obviously I found alternate childcare sooner after.

Roll your eyes and walk away

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

“Are you trying to be funny or are you really this ignorant, Uncle Dickhead?”

This 🙌

"When you start providing childcare for my disabled child, Uncle Dickhead. When are you free to give it a try? Come in, let's get a date in the diary..."

I would say, Just bugger off with all your monotonous crap statements, we have heard it all before.

I would give a blank stare, wait half a minute, then say "sorry, I must have misunderstood your question". If he repeats it, I would say "oh, I guess I did hear that correctly', and then I'd walk away.

Ah uncle, please go fuck yourself, in the arse, with a cactus. A head tilt is optional.

I'd go with You are so rude, and it's offensive that you can't see how hard raising a disabled child is. Please don't ever speak to me like this again.

Dickheads like this only get away with it if people don't clearly tell them how awful they are. Sadly just saying Fuck off enables them to feel they have the high ground.

@HighlandCowbag

'Because Mr Boxes is a dirty, filthy bastard who constantly needs filthy, dirty, anal sex, and tbh Uncle Dickhead, some days I can barely walk afterwards never mind get to work'

This!!

What does/ did he do for a living?

I like the cut direct!
Followed by the shame options :
"You do realise that caring for my disabled DD - your great niece, is a full time job, don't you?" "You say exactly the same rude comments every time I see you Uncle Dickhead, perhaps you should have a chat with your GP about your memory/inability to be a normal, compassionate human being."
Or, you ask him to repeat his hilarious comments and if he is not ashamed to do so, you then say " that's what I thought you said. Are you actually attempting to shame me for giving up my career to put the care of my children - one of whom is disabled, first?
If he dares, DARES to say anything else in the same vein I would take him aside and in a very low and serious tone I would tell him that if he ever, ever speaks to you like that again you will tell the whole room about the thing that he doesn't want anybody to know about - and that's a fucking promise!" The f word is obviously more effective if you have never or don't tend to swear around him/family etc. The "secret" is obviously made up but on the other hand, everyone has something they wouldn't want announced!
I'm sorry you have to even have this stupid concern OP, the fact is he should be congratulating you on your choices which are admirable by most people's standards, but if you pick the suggestion that suits you best from this whole thread then at least you'll be prepared and able to draw a line under it.
I do think your DH and other family should be supporting you dealing with this dick, though. X

Oooh my favourite one...

Laugh hysterically in a loud screaming voice for precisely 4 seconds, then cut it dead, deadpan stare.

Should leave him thinking about his witty comments

I think "Fuck off you boring bastard" or "I don't need to work, I'm rich" should do it.

I rather like @FineWordsForAPorcupine 's answer.

Don't bother answering - being rude shows he's got to you, which is what he's aiming for.
Never feel the need to justify/explain yourself.

A very cold silence and lack of recognition his question has any meaning to you at all is the best response, I would think.

Think ‘Off you fuck, you ignorant bore’ covers it.

I’d love to stay and chat but I’d rather have type-2 diabetes.

What is Uncle Dickead's contribution to society, exactly? You might be able to come up with a reply based on this.

He's looking to upset her though.

What will fuck him off most is going the opposite.

No one like the having to say it to her DH idea? I think he would be totally checkmated by that!

@Beachtrip

6500 languages in this world and you insist on speaking bullshit.

I'm gonna pinch that 😂

Men like this are incapable of understanding a woman’s perspective so talking about the care needs of a disabled child will go over his head.

If you can bear it, say “dh likes me staying at home because real men provide for their families”

It’s grim, I know, but it’s a verbal kick in the balls for that type of man.

I often find its much better to simply roll my eyes - and then literally turn my back on the offender and start talking to someone else. Makes them feel really small and shows them that I have the power.

How tiresome. He sounds like an ignorant mysognist. I would discuss in advance with your husband. When he does it, ask him to wait while you fetch your husband. Then say " uncle dickhead was just asking why I don't financially contribute to our family, would you mind explaining it to him ...really slowly ? I just can't be bothered..I thought I'd go spend some more of your earnings at the bar"