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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a witty comeback to uncle dickhead

259 replies

Boxesonwardrobes · 30/07/2021 18:09

Going to a wedding next week and my Uncle Dickhead will make a dig about me being a SAHP. Think “why don’t you get a job and take the pressure off Mr Boxes?”, “when are you going to contribute to society again?”, “haven’t you had enough of a holiday yet?” type thing (all actual examples).

For context, my kids are 5 & 2, previous to being a SAHP I was in academia, and DH earns well so we’re not short of money. My eldest is disabled and has SEN, she’s the reason I’m a SAHP, and me being at home has really helped her. I am her carer, and do lots of voluntary stuff related to her disability. I realise how lucky I am to have been able to make this choice. Everyone in my family is happy with this situation right now.

I haven’t really responded in the past as my mum hates conflict. But he’s such a wanker, I can’t let him keep putting me down in this way.

Any ideas? I’m thinking…

  • I’m more than happy embracing my mediocrity thanks
  • The amount of work involved in raising a disabled child is more than you could possibly comprehend, so mind your own business
  • Fuck off

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon · 31/07/2021 00:17

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

When he makes his dig, keep your face expressionless, then slowly turn away and engage the person next to you in conversation. It sounds like nothing, but when done correctly is a) crushing to the recipient, b) conveys your complete lack of interest in their opinion and c) gets you out of the conversation, which is the ultimate aim. It is non confrontational but also a serious power move.

This. He's trying to wind you up, then blame you for 'overreacting'. This solution is perfect, and perfectly dignified. He cannot whine to others about your response either, which is often fuel for these kinds of dickheads (I have a Father Dickhead, I feel your pain - this technique works brilliantly with him provided I can keep my face totally expressionless).

speakout · 31/07/2021 06:40

*@FineWordsForAPorcupine

When he makes his dig, keep your face expressionless, then slowly turn away and engage the person next to you in conversation. It sounds like nothing, but when done correctly is a) crushing to the recipient, b) conveys your complete lack of interest in their opinion and c) gets you out of the conversation, which is the ultimate aim. It is non confrontational but also a serious power move.
I agree too- sounds perfect.

Do not start to give reasons, excuses, explanations.
You don't have to justify your position to him or anyone.
Your life decisions are yours and you owe him no jusitications.

Once you start to explain your challenges, limitations etc you are putting him back in thhe driving seat.
Even if you chose not to work so you could spend your days in the beauty salon, playing poker and drinking gin that too would be none of his business

TacoSunday · 31/07/2021 07:02

You do not need to justify your family’s choices to him, or anyone else. Nor do you need to justify being a Sahp because you have a disabled child.

The fact he is commenting shows a deep-seated resentment about his own life. I can imagine him being someone who has made some really bad decisions in his life and really hates how it has turned out. If that is the case then just revel in it every time he talks to him. Look at him with pity.

Ostagazuzulum · 31/07/2021 07:17

Just ask him how he expects your disabled child to be looked after?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 31/07/2021 07:35

From what you've posted I think getting you DH to say something might be a good idea. He sounds the sort of man who's a sexist twat who would hate to think of himself as "emasculated" or laughed at by another man....

"Why dont you get a job to help Mr Boxes?"
DH "Laughs Why would she need to do that? She's looking after our disabled child, what could be more important than that? Anyway I'm a grown man, I can look after myself, and I want to provide for my family. What sort of man doesn't want to provide for his wife and children....? It's not like I cant afford it!".

Disclaimer I dont think men have to be the bread winner, or have such a sexist idea about the man looking after the family money. I just think it sounds like this would really piss of Uncle Dickhead.

zingally · 31/07/2021 07:45

"Wow... We're still chipping away at THIS topic of conversation? Aren't you bored yet? Because I am."

TheDogsMother · 31/07/2021 08:12

Uncle Dickhead do you know you say this every time we meet. Every. Single. Time. I've been polite about it up until now but our family setup is absolutely none of your business so please stop talking about it. Turn. Walk away.

Macncheeseballs · 31/07/2021 08:17

Your mum who 'hates conflict', is not really helping the situation, that's how people like dickhead get away with it all their lives

Bayleaf25 · 31/07/2021 08:34

‘Oo beginning to sound like your jealous Uncle Dickhead’ or

‘Yawn, still worrying yourself about my employment status are you’ with tinkling laugh. Or

‘God, don’t you ever get bored of these comments, think you’ve got more to worry about than me’

speakout · 31/07/2021 11:34

Your mum who 'hates conflict', is not really helping the situation, that's how people like dickhead get away with it all their lives

I have a mother like this.

She will do anything to avoid uncomfortable truths in order to "keep the peace", even if it means enabling and accepting hostility and abuse from others.
"Disliking connflict" is not always a kind thing to do.

StrawberrySquash · 31/07/2021 12:54

I would go with unemotional and factual.
''why don’t you get a job and take the pressure off Mr Boxes?”
We have decided to split the roles the way that suits us. I face pressure of a different kind. We are both happy with the arrangement.

“when are you going to contribute to society again?''
I do. I am looking after my children, raising the next generation, and do voluntary work. How is that not contributing?
“haven’t you had enough of a holiday yet?”
It's not a holiday. DC has SEN and I etc etc.

This has the advantage of explaining your position and being hard to make a joke back from. Without being all stroppy which just puts you in the wrong. It keeps him as the unreasonable one in the exchange.

speakout · 31/07/2021 13:04

StrawberrySquash

Why does the OP owe Uncle dickhead an explanation?

Blueskytoday06 · 31/07/2021 14:23

Definitely fuck off 🖕🏻

Ijsbear · 31/07/2021 18:35

"This again? It's going to be such a relief when the day comes that I don't have to see you any more" with a very direct look.

I dare you.

gingerbiscuits · 31/07/2021 23:32

Oh God, what a dickhead! I vote for option 3 too!!

I was a SAHM for years when kids were little & I (& hopefully now them!) cherished every minute of it & was super grateful at being able to do it. I used to get knobhead comments from a mate of ours all the time & eventually I snapped & said, "For fuck's sake! Why do YOU care if I have a job or not?" He shut the hell up after that!! Twat!!

Comtesse · 01/08/2021 00:40

Option 3 all the way. Why should you have to be polite to someone who is so rude? Family or not, he’s bang out of order.

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 01/08/2021 01:15

"Amazing of you to offer to do the childcare for me to work. When can you start?"

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/08/2021 13:08

I'd stare straight at him, and just say 'riiiiight', with a lot of spin. Nothing to argue with, nothing to pick at.

Thehop · 01/08/2021 13:12

“Please explain? Are you seriously saying you think caring for a disabled child is a holiday/not contributing? Is that what you think?”

Say it loud. Let everyone hear.

Call him out, clearly.

“If you need educating you’re welcome to volunteer at any of the places I volunteer at, desperately trying to reverse the damage your type of thinking does to progress the cause of disabled children......when are you free?”

Abouttimemum · 01/08/2021 13:32

I know you don’t need a bloke to fight your battles but with awful sexist, smug bastard twats like that it’s the only way. He’ll call you ‘sensitive’ if you tell him to fuck off.

Not the same but when DH boss asked me why I ‘made’ DH get up and do night feeds when I’m ‘on holiday from work’ (Mat leave) and should be looking after DS 24 hours a day while DH does man things, DH just said:

‘Because it’s not the 1950s and DS has two parents. And actually she earns more than me so maybe she can go back to work full time and I can take ‘a paid holiday’ out of your pocket to look after the baby. Or you can give me a pay rise.’

Lots of guffawing by other men and DH boss shrink into a tiny hole.

Fucker.

mbosnz · 01/08/2021 13:36

Or there's 'Uncle Dickhead, what do you think your life expectancy is? I for one, can't wait until I don't have to suffer your presence'.

A very polite 'fuck off and die, you prick'. . .

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/08/2021 13:39

"What's the point? If I had a job you'd just find something else to bully me about. It's much easier to just avoid you." Then turn and walk away.

WildRosie · 01/08/2021 13:58

A short, sharp, open-palm bitch slap across Uncle's mush should shut him up and keep him quiet. Preferably with as many witnesses as possible.

JudgeJ · 01/08/2021 14:40

@RuthTopp

" The first rule of working for MI5 is not talking about MI5 " .
Or 'I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you'.
WhatAShilohPitt · 01/08/2021 16:10

I’m pissed off with him and he’s not even said it to me!!!

“Are you serious? You actually think looking after a disabled child is some sort of extended holiday? The only person whose opinion matters here is my husband’s. You need to mind your own business.”