To want a witty comeback to uncle dickhead

[Boxesonwardrobes]

Going to a wedding next week and my Uncle Dickhead will make a dig about me being a SAHP. Think “why don’t you get a job and take the pressure off Mr Boxes?”, “when are you going to contribute to society again?”, “haven’t you had enough of a holiday yet?” type thing (all actual examples).

For context, my kids are 5 & 2, previous to being a SAHP I was in academia, and DH earns well so we’re not short of money. My eldest is disabled and has SEN, she’s the reason I’m a SAHP, and me being at home has really helped her. I am her carer, and do lots of voluntary stuff related to her disability. I realise how lucky I am to have been able to make this choice. Everyone in my family is happy with this situation right now.

I haven’t really responded in the past as my mum hates conflict. But he’s such a wanker, I can’t let him keep putting me down in this way.

Any ideas? I’m thinking…

• I’m more than happy embracing my mediocrity thanks
• The amount of work involved in raising a disabled child is more than you could possibly comprehend, so mind your own business
• Fuck off

Thanks in advance

'Are you a cunt to everyone or is it reserved for me?'

Aww, thank you for offering to look after my two including a disabled child. I’ll let you know when my first day at work is.

Just say:

No I still don’t work as I love eating donuts in front of the telly all day.

I do work, but it’s hush hush - £30 per blowjob in my shed. Have to keep it quiet as my regulars are my friends’ husbands.

No I don’t want to work, why would I? MrBoxes is a fantastic cash cow.

No way would I give a sensible answer re your dc. My eldest has Sen and I’ve been at this for 15 years. If he’s stupid enough to ask, he’ll not understand the answer.

Respond with; When are you going to stop being such a dickhead?

You know you want to 😆

*is

Try.
Have you forgotten that I'm the primary carer for my disabled child ?
Followed by a death stare.

Just smile and say I' m good thanks, leave it at that.

I used to be criticised by my DM’s friends for working (PT!) and always had the view that, if someone wasn’t offering to help, they didn’t get to have an opinion.

Ask Uncle Dickhead how many hours he is kindly offering to have DD and tell him you will get a job based around those hours.

You could always ask him if hes volunteering to be dd carer so you can work, have a chart even if it's made up of different appointments and therapy for the entire week. Make it so busy and say you really appreciate him offering when can he start?

With a sort of faux concern, sing-song "therapist" voice (whilst tilting head to one side):

"Uncle Dickhead, you do seem to show an unhealthy degree of interest in my life choices. I wonder what this says about you, and your own contentment with life? I do hope you are able to resolve whatever issues make you so deeply unhappy that you are compelled to randomly question the life choices of your family members. Do have a lovely day, won't you."

Then walk away.

'Oh, I'm glad you asked. I would value your advice on how to juggle caring for a disabled child with working full time. Tell me how you did it'

But I like the 'fuck off' option.

I’m stealing the first one

I’ve got an Uncle Dickhead too.

I call him that to his face now. It seems to work.

“Haven’t you seen my advertising my OnlyFans?”

Option 2. Might give him something to think about, but if it doesn’t work, option 3.

I agree with pp - I would assume that his enquiries are with a view to offering childcare in order to support you. Take a diary and start discussing days. Loudly praise his “support “ to his partner, your parents, your d h. Offer to send him links to the info he will need to know for your eldests disability.
If he refuses look confused and say “but you’ve been encouraging me to do this for years. Why would you refuse to help now?” In a hurt voice.
Keep it going all evening......

“We’re happy with our respective jobs, thanks. But how about you? When are you planning to retire from being a cunt?”

Mr Boxes felt he wouldn't cope with looking after a disabled child full-time so I agreed that he could be the one to go back to work. But why are you asking about our difficult circumstances in this pointed manner - it's very rude and quite cruel.

“There’s a reason that the term uncle dickhead came about’

• A favourite and used before to several gasps (so effective rating 8/10)

Option 4) when are you going to stop being a burden on society?

He sounds awful OP. I'd not hold back with this one.

"Oh, we're always talking about me...how about talking about you for a change? Have you had sex recently, or is that still a bit of a problem for you?"

I know what song Terence & Philip would have sung to him repeatedly....

I'd go on the opposite track - say it's an absolute doddle and you love sitting round all day /going out for lunch /shopping, it's just brilliant, Uncle Dickhead.

"I could get a job any time I wanted to, but you'd still be an insufferable bellend. Sad, isn't it?"

Think “why don’t you get a job and take the pressure off Mr Boxes?”

Reply:

What Pressure ? DH he doesn't see this as Pressure.. for him its a PLEASURE to Provide and Support his family.. Im sorry you begrudge your family the same ..

Smile and saunter off to enjoy the Wedding ☺️

On reflection mine isn't witty - but it might shame him, the absolute cunt.