To want a witty comeback to uncle dickhead

[Boxesonwardrobes]

Going to a wedding next week and my Uncle Dickhead will make a dig about me being a SAHP. Think “why don’t you get a job and take the pressure off Mr Boxes?”, “when are you going to contribute to society again?”, “haven’t you had enough of a holiday yet?” type thing (all actual examples).

For context, my kids are 5 & 2, previous to being a SAHP I was in academia, and DH earns well so we’re not short of money. My eldest is disabled and has SEN, she’s the reason I’m a SAHP, and me being at home has really helped her. I am her carer, and do lots of voluntary stuff related to her disability. I realise how lucky I am to have been able to make this choice. Everyone in my family is happy with this situation right now.

I haven’t really responded in the past as my mum hates conflict. But he’s such a wanker, I can’t let him keep putting me down in this way.

Any ideas? I’m thinking…

• I’m more than happy embracing my mediocrity thanks
  
• The amount of work involved in raising a disabled child is more than you could possibly comprehend, so mind your own business
  
• Fuck off
  

Thanks in advance

[CagneyNYPD]

Don't go for witty, If he tries to shame you with his comments, shame him right back. Go for "Do you know why I don't work outside of the home?" Call him out on it. Press the question until you get an answer. Make him squirm if you have to. Lay it on thick.

[CardiOfDoom]

I would assume from those comments he's jealous/resentful of the fact that you 'sit on your arse' (ha, course you do!) while he has/had to go to work 'all his life' so I would respond with smug, sarcastic gloating about your cushy life of leisure. Really rub his nose in how 'easy' you have it whilst exchanging knowing looks with DH or other allies about how ridiculous the idea of you having it easy actually is when he's not looking. Agreeing with these types often takes the wind out of their sails, he wants you to be offended and defend yourself so do the opposite!

[handslikecowstits]

Never answer with a question. Just say, "mind your own/none of your business."

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

I'm a big fan of the cut direct/awesome power of the blank.

When he makes his dig, keep your face expressionless, then slowly turn away and engage the person next to you in conversation. It sounds like nothing, but when done correctly is a) crushing to the recipient, b) conveys your complete lack of interest in their opinion and c) gets you out of the conversation, which is the ultimate aim. It is non confrontational but also a serious power move.

One of my friends had a boyfriend who liked to "wind people up" by being sexist, inflammatory, etc. He tried it with me and I calmly turned away from him, and said "can I join your conversation?" to the people on my right. He was left looking foolish and spent the rest of the evening trying to be nice to me.

[Bythemillpond]

Him: Why don't you get a job and take the pressure of Mr Boxes?

When you stop being a twat.

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

Be concerned.
You seem quite obsessed with me, uncle (head tilt) why is that? We're doing what works best for us as a family. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about me? Would you like me to find out about groups you could join, get you out and about a bit.

If you can get a hand pat and a bless you in there too, so much the better.

[5zeds]

I am in the same position and have similar dickheads to lighten my life. I go with a pause and then in a carrying voice “life enhancing as always Uncke Dick” if he responds look at your watch and say “XXminutes in, I think it’s a personal record for you”

Or just sigh and say “boring” and walk off.

[GoodbyePorpoiseSpit]

I say;
“Sorry, could you repeat that?”
When they do: “yes, I thought that’s what you’d said.”

Then: Silence. Grey rock it.

[Berthatydfil]

I could go back to work if I wanted but you will always be a cunt.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

"Well, your life cant be that interesting or you would have other things to talk about than this"

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

"Why does it matter to you?"

[Longtalljosie]

“You do understand I am caring for a disabled child?”

Or - get a few friends to join you in a sweepstake of when the first ride comment will dropped. Then…

“So when are you going to earn your keep”
“Ooh! What time is it? 2.37 - now, who had between 2 and 3? Was it you Sarah? I had 1-2”

[HighlandCowbag]

'Because Mr Boxes is a dirty, filthy bastard who constantly needs filthy, dirty, anal sex, and tbh Uncle Dickhead, some days I can barely walk afterwards never mind get to work'

[30degreesandmeltinghere]

Whisper to him you manage a sex chat lines at weekends and are sure you recognised his voice last week...
Ad you are considering whether to spill the beans...

[Longtalljosie]

Rude, not ride!

[Ozanj]

Show him up. In your position I’d say ‘I’d love to but DD needs me and it’s not like you or your wife offer to have her long enough for me to take a shit let alone go to work’.

[DrSbaitso]

"Oh spare me your opinions. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off."

[Neondisco]

You could ask him when he's going to stop being a cunt.

[AutistGoth]

There's always this. Gene Wilder optional, of course.

[BrozTito]

Ask who he i

[Topseyt]

"My family circumstances are absolutely none of anyone else's business, thank you."

Then just completely ignore him. Turn away from him and speak to someone else.

[RandomMess]

"Because it seems men can't cope with looking after a SEN child and Dh way find going to work easier"

[pocpocpoc]

"You are offering to look after DCs so that I could start contributing to society/ take pressure of Mr Boxes? How kind of you! I am so so grateful! When can you start your holiday?"

[AutistGoth]

I've been there with comments like this. I know they can really get you down.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Whilst tempting to say fuck off I can understand it’s not always practical at a family gathering. Avoid him. If he asks turn it on him - are you ok Uncle only you ask that very time we meet and I’ve already told you I have a job as a carer for dc. Have you spoken to your Gp about your memory loss?