ExH suddenly not using DDs name

[ButItsHerName]

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

[saraclara]

Another one who thinks you need to contact his parents with a genuine concern about his mental health (and also the effect that it's having on their DGD).

[cunningartificer]

Please take this very very seriously. It’s either deliberately abusive or a sign of severe mental illness.

I would agree with other posters, 1) put in writing exactly what he’s doing with a request to stop 2) let his parents know 3) protect your daughter—she should not be with someone who won’t use her real name so you need to alert a solicitor and go back to family court. They’ll take a dim view about this. 4) contact school and let them know in case he tries to get access to her via then or tries to change her name on the register etc. If you can talk to the safeguarding leads they can also flag it up with SS 5) I agree warning signs of another name change (prepping her for keeping her first name as a concession and changing her surname instead).

Whatever you do, do NOT engage by trying to reason him out of it, responding to messages about wrong name, calling him wrong name in return—he’ll use that to show it was all a joke between you—just totally ignore any messages about ’Sophie’ once you’ve written the letter (hard copy, repeated via FB messenger if you like, keep a copy or screenshot). What he’s doing is beyond crazy; don’t get sucked into his world where you’re thinking it’s reasonable if he liked another name!!!

[ScrollingLeaves]

Calling a 7 year old by another name is a form of abuse.

However, however horrible this behaviour of his is, forget about looking for ways ‘to get back at him’.

I hope other posters can advise what to do as it is indeed him arbitrarily playing with control and is very nasty.

[Eatingsoupwithafork]

Ehh? This is one of the oddest things I’ve read on here.

Personally I wouldn’t leave DD with him until you’ve gotten to the bottom of it. Seek advice asap.

[greendiva]

This is really worrying behaviour, it's not something you can ignore as you need to protect you daughter. This needs to go back to court ASAP. Write to him initially expressing your concern. It's psychological abuse, to deliberately change his daughters name knowing she doesn't like it. It's extremely concerning.

[wewereliars]

Don't engage with him on this OP. This is abuse and potentiallly very harmful to your daughter, whatever his reasons. This has to be put before a court asap. Names are very much bound up with our identity and sense of self and this has to stop.

[BreatheAndFocus]

It’s a control thing and he’s doing it to try to ‘claim’ your DD from you. It must be very upsetting for your DD (and you, of course).

My abusive ex tried something similar but not as extreme as that (he changed DC’s abbreviated name even though he’d originally chosen the abbreviation). I second the advice not to get involved by purposely calling your ex the wrong name or anything like that. It won’t work and it will just make you look bad.

You need to ask him to use her proper name in a text or email so you have proof you’ve asked him else he’ll say that you didn’t mind or some such rubbish. Then ignore any mention of Sophie. He may well then try to alter her name like my ex did, by using a different abbreviation. Don’t allow that but don’t respond just use the correct name eg he say Does Charlie have swimming next week? You reply No, Charlotte has swimming the week after.

[CarnationCat]

He sounds insane.

I just wouldn't respond when he says anything about Sophie. If he asks why you're not responding, say you don't know who he's talking about. If he says DD, say her name is Charlotte.

[5zeds]

Ask to talk to safeguarding lead at school or go to your GP and explain his very odd behaviour.

[whatinthenameofhen]

How utterly cruel. I would not engage until he could behave in a reasonable manner ie calling my child the name that's on her birth certificate.

[saraclara]

How much contact does he have?

[CSIblonde]

It's an attempt to emphasise power & control, ie. I can change your name if I so wish . Frankly, it's unhinged. And it's emotional abuse. Record time & date if every time he does it to add to any other evidence . And also note your daughter's reactioba to it .

[Smartiepants79]

Haven’t read the whole thread but this is utterly bizarre behaviour.
I agree that you ignore him every time he calls her this and keep on supporting her to do the same.
Keep her strong.
Be prepared to take it back to court if needed.
How weird!

[WetBench]

@cunningartificer

Please take this very very seriously. It’s either deliberately abusive or a sign of severe mental illness.

I would agree with other posters, 1) put in writing exactly what he’s doing with a request to stop 2) let his parents know 3) protect your daughter—she should not be with someone who won’t use her real name so you need to alert a solicitor and go back to family court. They’ll take a dim view about this. 4) contact school and let them know in case he tries to get access to her via then or tries to change her name on the register etc. If you can talk to the safeguarding leads they can also flag it up with SS 5) I agree warning signs of another name change (prepping her for keeping her first name as a concession and changing her surname instead).

Whatever you do, do NOT engage by trying to reason him out of it, responding to messages about wrong name, calling him wrong name in return—he’ll use that to show it was all a joke between you—just totally ignore any messages about ’Sophie’ once you’ve written the letter (hard copy, repeated via FB messenger if you like, keep a copy or screenshot). What he’s doing is beyond crazy; don’t get sucked into his world where you’re thinking it’s reasonable if he liked another name!!!

@ButItsHerName this is really good advice and a good summary.

[Newbabynewhouse]

Another vote for her lost the plot.. what an psycho... have you outright asked him why? Poor child..

[LindaEllen]

He sounds absolutely batshit.

[Yaya26]

@peachgreen

...is he insane?

You beat me to it @peachgreen Exactly what I was going to write.

[Akindofloving]

I wouldn't be allowing my daughter to have contact with a man who is clearly deeply mentally unwell. This behaviour will cause your daughter huge emotional damage if it is allowed to continue.

Let him go back to court for access and explain to them how he's changed his daughters name on a whim.

He's bat shit.

[Twillow]

How about saying, now I think about it I'm not that fond of your name either, I'll call you Colin from now on.

[Embracelife]

So your main question is

"So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?"

You want to "get back" at him?
Not do something to support your dd?

[Dogoodfeelgood]

Your poor DD having to spend time with him and be bullied in this way, he sounds absolutely awful.

[Dogoodfeelgood]

Also I’m alarmed at how much detail you’re going into about how much everyone likes the name “Charlotte” - that shouldn’t matter - she’s 7! He can’t just randomly change her name. It seems very abusive to me and I would be reconsidering contact with him. I can’t imagine the shock of your dad calling you another random name. How horrible.

[Justcashnosweets]

This is really awful OP. I have a 7 year old DD, and can imagine how upset and confused she would be if her Dad started calling her a different name. I would be looking to cut contact and involve social services, especially given your ex's abuse towards you.

[Pronouncemynameright]

Hi,

I’ve name changed. But my mum completely changed the pronunciation of my name when I was 10. My name isn’t Irish but it is similar to pronouncing Aisling Ashlin or pronouncing it phonetically. She knew someone who she considered “posh” who said it a certain way and decided that was how it would be said from then on. My mum had a lot of issues.

It was very traumatic and I’d be told off for saying it the original way.

At 19, I asserted myself and reverted back, but I still get complete awe from people who I met in my teenage years who know me in a different way.

It is really embarrassing to explain and I think some people think I changed it at 19 on a whim and my teenage pronunciation was how it always was before.

You are your daughter’s advocate. You need to be strong on this one. 💐

[Cherrysoup]

What a total cunt he is! Obviously he’s an idiot.