ExH suddenly not using DDs name

[ButItsHerName]

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

[Imapotato]

He asks about “Sophie” you reply. “Sorry I don’t know a Sophie, you must have the wrong number”

He’s being an arse.

[Anotherbrokenairer]

If there's a violent and coercive history with this man I wouldn't encourage your daughter to call him other names and wind him up. He will of course only stop when he's managed to control her and she starts responding. You may not want to go to court but that's the way it's heading so be prepared.

[TheCrowening]

@couchparsnip

What a weird thing to do. If my ex did thus I would consider contacting social services and asking if I can refuse contact there's something wrong with him?
He can't think it's normal to change a 7 year old's name surely. It's just bizarre.

Social services won’t get involved as there’s a court order in place, and the threshold for their intervention would be nowhere near met.

However it’s unacceptable that he continues to do this.

I would write to him and state that he needs to start calling your daughter by her actual and legal name, as what he is doing is emotionally affecting her and undermining her relationship with him. State that if he continues to call her by a different name you will be applying to court to vary the order as it is not healthy for her to have unsupervised contact with a parent who isn’t able to meet her most basic needs in relation to her identity.

[SunshineCake]

I'd be asking his parents if he is unwell.

[SunshineCake]

@Maggiesfarm

At least he's not calling her 'Karen'.

Words fail me.

[Dillydollydingdong]

I don't know what good it would do going back to court. It's not a crime to call her by the wrong name (although it is totally unreasonable) and neither can you sue him for it. You'll just have to call him by the wrong name. Call him Stanley.

[thenewduchessofhastings]

Trying to rename a 7 year?

He's aware she's a human being and not a dog?

This has to be one of the most batshit crazy things I've read on here.

Keep standing up for your DD OP.

[GoldBar]

Her name is Charlotte (or equivalent name). Not Sophie. She's 7 not a baby so no one except your DD when she is older can choose to change her name.

It doesn't matter why your ex is doing this. I agree that this actually sounds quite abusive of your DD to undermine her identity like this. I'd be tempted to try stop contact if he continues. Do you have a court order in place and, if so, what does it say?

[lastcall]

@Finfintytint

Still engaging in the controlling behaviour then. Go back to court.

This.

Controlling and emotionally abusive, frankly. It's not her name, he knows this, and he's still calling her something else because he wants to and expect her to jump.

Perhaps you can get only supervised access going forward where he's required to use her name.

In the meantime, support your DD in not responding to him when he refuses to use her name. You do the same. Every text should be met with a 'who?' and then a 'Our DD's name is Charlotte. Are you asking about Charlotte?' Make him confirm or carry on with 'who?' repeat.

Good luck. He sounds like a royal arsehole. The good news, your DD sees him for who he is and will likely cut him out of her life as soon as she's allowed.

[TheCrowening]

@Dillydollydingdong

I don't know what good it would do going back to court. It's not a crime to call her by the wrong name (although it is totally unreasonable) and neither can you sue him for it. You'll just have to call him by the wrong name. Call him Stanley.

It’s the family court, not civil or criminal courts. It’d be about the court order which sets out the time this little girl spends with her dad, and the focus is on her welfare not a crime or compensation.

[ViceLikeBlip]

You don't have to keep justifying how he was the one who chose the name, and how your daughter loves it. Even if you'd decided to call her princess consuela banana hammock he couldn't just decide at age 7 to start calling her a completely different name.

This must be so confusing and upsetting for your daughter. I know it's easy to lose perspective when you've been under his control in the past, but please know that this is not "just a bit weird", or "petty" - this is abusive, damaging behaviour.

[clickychicky]

As PP said, maybe he is dating someone called Charlotte.

That or he is unwell.

[Topseyt]

What an arse!

My only response would be to inform him that I didn't know anyone called Sophie. Beyond that I just wouldn't engage.

You might have to be prepared to go back to court if he continues to upset your DD as she may decide that she doesn't wish to visit him. Does he wind her up in any other way?

[Horehound]

If he messages about "Sophie" just reply and state you don't know why he keeps sending you messages about a Sophie but since you don't know who that is you will ignite all those messages.

I'm sure you could go along some route of emotional mind games with the court. It will be damaging to your daughter.
Controlling wanker. He's sick to do this to his child.

[2bazookas]

I'd be a teensy bit worried he was grooming her for a change of ID/ new life elsewhere with him.

Have you discussed the name thing with his parents?

[sallywinter]

I think this is one of those things that you can’t see the full enormity of how abusive it is when you’re living it.

He is calling your daughter a name that is not, and never has been, hers. He is insisting upon this despite her wishes.

I can’t tell you what to do next but be under no doubt that this is a form of coercion.

[Horehound]

@clickychicky

As PP said, maybe he is dating someone called Charlotte.

That or he is unwell.

Why would that mean he changes the name of his daughter though?

[EffYouSeeKaye]

@billy1966

That absolutely is emotionally abusing your child.

I would contact your GP and ask for SS to be involved.

That is very disturbing and terribly damaging.

Your poor daughter.

THIS. Please do what you must to protect your daughter.

[Staffy1]

Definitely try talking to his parents. Even if they have a problem with you, this is about their son being an idiot towards their granddaughter.

[ComDummings]

What a fucker he is. Not sure the answer but I liked the suggestion of a PP who said to send a photo of DDs birth certificate each and every time he refers to her by the other name. I’d also be taking legal advice because he sounds mentally unwell at best or abusive at worst.

[TheCrowening]

I'd concentrate on your daughter. Daddy likes to play silly games. Daddy forgets to think about how people feel about things. But it's OK to remind Daddy you want him to use your name.

This is fine short term. But if her father continues with this behaviour, it’s really unfair on the daughter to have to keep trying to manage/respond to it.

[Horehound]

Also I would forward the messages to his parents and say: "do you know why EX is trying to call Charlotte by the name Sophie? He is saying it to her face and she really doesn't like it or understand it"

And see what they say

[MotionActivatedDog]

@Maggiesfarm

At least he's not calling her 'Karen'.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Wow, still trying to control everyone then. Just message back with "who?" Everytime. Dont give him any conversation until he uses her real name. I would also tell my daughter that she didn't have to go and see him while he was doing that. Let him take you back to court.

[chunderwunder]

@Dillydollydingdong

I don't know what good it would do going back to court. It's not a crime to call her by the wrong name (although it is totally unreasonable) and neither can you sue him for it. You'll just have to call him by the wrong name. Call him Stanley.

Um. You really don't understand about family courts.

OP, assuming he's not had some break with reality I'd log it with SS and stop contact (unless this would be very upsetting for your daughter).

It's clearly abusive behaviour so let him take you back to court and explain why he's chosen to completely ignore her autonomy.

I'd also send one single message saying 'I don't know any Sophie so I'm not responding any more' then ignore any further communication.