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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH suddenly not using DDs name

199 replies

ButItsHerName · 30/07/2021 16:49

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

OP posts:
worktrip · 30/07/2021 17:53

Don't engage with this nonsense. If he calls or messages re a 'Sophie' say you don't know who he is referring to. If he responds, 'my daughter' say your daughters name is Charlotte. Then don't engage further.

Sadly you will have to explain to DD that daddy is being silly, and just ignore him calling her a different name. Not ignore him but just don't engage with an explanation re her real name.

He is trying to control both of you an get a reaction. You know wht the answer is to that one.

cabingirl · 30/07/2021 17:53

You've got her passport and any identity documents like birth certs etc?

I hope he wouldn't be crazy enough to attempt a deed poll change, not sure if that can be done without both parents.

OliverBabish · 30/07/2021 17:54

I have a 7 year old and she would be so upset and confused if her DAD (!!!!) did this to her.

I agree that you should take this further.

TheCrowening · 30/07/2021 17:54

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Wow, still trying to control everyone then. Just message back with "who?" Everytime. Dont give him any conversation until he uses her real name. I would also tell my daughter that she didn't have to go and see him while he was doing that. Let him take you back to court.
I strongly advise against this, you’re effectively breaching a court order even if you can argue it’s for a good reason. Much better to make an application yourself to vary the order and explain why.
Antwerpen · 30/07/2021 17:56

@Finfintytint

Still engaging in the controlling behaviour then. Go back to court.
This without a doubt.
pilates · 30/07/2021 17:57

I can see why he’s your ExH, your poor DD what an awful thing to do.

MotionActivatedDog · 30/07/2021 17:57

OP screen shot all his messages.

RandomMess · 30/07/2021 17:58

I would message his parents something like this

"I don't know why Ex is suddenly calling Charlotte Sophie but she is unhappy about it and not what she wants. Thought I would let you know in case Ex has told you something different."

Not a question or a request just a factual statement.

LitCrit · 30/07/2021 17:58

Your ex is emotionally abusing your dd and you need to stop contact and go back to court. Please. Imagine how confused and belittled she must feel. You can't tell her through your actions that this is normal or acceptable or you will not be protecting her as you should.

Couchbettato · 30/07/2021 17:59

@thenewduchessofhastings

Trying to rename a 7 year?

He's aware she's a human being and not a dog?

This has to be one of the most batshit crazy things I've read on here.

Keep standing up for your DD OP.

Exactly this.

It's not just manipulative, it's treating DD like property like a dog.

He's essentially saying you're my property and I'll call you what I like.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 30/07/2021 18:01

Get yourself on ebay op..
Personalised pants and hat and T shirt. And a bag.
Maybe a hairband?
Bracelet?
Initial necklace?
Fake tattoo?
Or when he comes to collect Sophie tell him she doesn't live there and shut the door...

MatildaTheCat · 30/07/2021 18:02

I once hear of an absolute wanker who left his first wife and family for another woman and then had a child with her and called the child the same name as his existing child.

No accounting for complete twats.

Perhaps he has a new woman with a child called Charlotte? Regardless I’d send one message and one only saying you consider it to be emotionally abusive to call a child by the wrong name and refuse to engage with it.

If he continues to do it at contact I’d seriously consider consulting a solicitor.

BlueLobelia · 30/07/2021 18:03

I would take it back to court actually. You can do it as a change to child arrangements (CAO) and specific issues order (SIO). Change to contact because of his behaviour and Specific issues to force him to use her proper name.

The main thing is that it will all be kept on file so every time he behaves like this over the years you have a history which displays exactly who he is.

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2021 18:03

I’d email his parents forwarding a message he’s sent calling DD Sophie and say you’re concerned for his mental health, and does he seem quite well to them, perhaps he should be taken to his GP as a matter of urgency as he appears to be suffering from quite severe selective amnesia.

I’d not bother replying about Sophie to him directly. Maybe respond with ‘who?’ And if he persists tell him he’s got the wrong number.

Soberanne · 30/07/2021 18:03

I agree with others, reply no sophie lives here and cut the conversation, every single time. Let him take it back to court. Totally abusive and confusing to your child.

Katiebee008 · 30/07/2021 18:05

Get her to call him Uncle Something

NewlyGranny · 30/07/2021 18:05

This strange behaviour is definitely not healthy fr DD to be hearing and experiencing. It's essentially an undermining of her very identity, and it's being done by her parent.

When she asks why he does it, don't make excuses, OP; tell her you don't know why. When she says she doesn't like it, let her know it's OK to tell her DF that, and that she can ask him why he's doing it if she wants to. It's OK for her to learn to say, calmly and firmly, "My name is Charlotte. I don't know who Sophie is but it's not me."

This sort of confusion can't be allowed to go on, can it? If she's unhappy and confused before or after a visit, make a note of the date and what she says. His messages to you will be evidence, too. You will need to be able to show this pattern of unreasonable behaviour if he takes you to court for refusing contact.

The child is young, but old enough to understand that something is terribly wrong with her DF at the moment. She should be protected from exposure to this batshittery.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 30/07/2021 18:05

This is a disgusting form of abuse and control from him.
Keep every message
Ask him to use her name in writing and spell out the distress it causes her
I’d inform social services too

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/07/2021 18:07

The courts can make decisions on specific issues, usually important things where there’s a genuine disagreement, like which school they should go to.

Perhaps you could message “our daughter’s name is Charlotte not Sophie, as you’re well aware. Calling her Sophie is upsetting her. By all means make an application to the court, but until her name is changed by a court order, she remains Charlotte.”

I also agree with grassing him up to his parents.

knittingaddict · 30/07/2021 18:08

These men are completely bonkers aren't they. I know he's doing it deliberately to wind you up and grasp some weird concept of control rather than actually being mentally ill. It's still bonkers by any measure though.

Chickenyhead · 30/07/2021 18:08

I would go back to court quoting emotional abuse and mental instability. There is no way he should be allowed custody of a vulnerable child whose name he doesn't know.

LittleOwl153 · 30/07/2021 18:09

@2bazookas

I'd be a teensy bit worried he was grooming her for a change of ID/ new life elsewhere with him.

Have you discussed the name thing with his parents?

Umm, you haven't said he is from abroad or has any overseas connections... but this would twitch me. Make sure you have a passport for her that you hold and maybe flag it with the passport office that you have concerns.

Hopefully he's just being a controlling twat rather than anything more sinister.

Pipsquiggle · 30/07/2021 18:14

What a total twat. Very weird and very controlling.

Already some great advice on here. You need to start collating and documenting this evidence and start whatever process e.g. court order, there is that looks after the welfare of the child.

You cannot be passive in correspondence. You have to correct him and say that his choice of behaviour, by calling her a random name, is causing distress to your DD. There is a lot of evidence that forcibly changing children's names is very damaging, that is why when family's adopt even very very young children they cannot change their given name.

When you call him out in your messages calling your DD the wrong name, how does he react?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/07/2021 18:17

Could you message something like
Our daughter's name is Charlotte. I am concerned that you appear to believe her name is Sophie. I would like you to attend the gp and ask them to find out why this is happening. I think it would be in Charlotte's best interests to pause contact until your GP has assessed you and any help or treatment is underway. If you prefer, we can go to court and get their decision on this. I am sure they would be concerned for your health and would want evidence that you were ok to be in charge of Charlotte before they would agree visitation would be appropriate .

It depends of course on what he's like and only you know that. It might get him to stop pissing about or it might cause more problems and be the worst advice ever. I'm just putting it forward as a possibility.

JustLyra · 30/07/2021 18:17

You really need to take this back to court. It's absolutely abusive behaviour.

Next time he messages you I would reply with "Our daughter's name is Charlotte. You are aware that calling her another name is upsetting her. I will have to go back to court if you continue as this is not acceptable."

Keep screenshots and copies of every message so you can show that you have properly objected and that he knows it's upsetting your daughter

Then you really have to go back to court for your daughter's sake.

It's very odd, and worrying, behaviour.