ExH suddenly not using DDs name

[ButItsHerName]

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

[Sadiecow]

He is crazy! Who does that?

[Taoneusa]

Ignore his behaviour.
Tell your daughter “dads having a funny half hour that’s lasting a long time!”

He’s loopy. Best not to engage.

[Streamside]

While I can appreciate you may not want to go back to court, I think you need to accept how damaging this situation is. It's twisted and vile that he's refusing to accept your child's name. How sad that a young child is asking why her dad doesn't like her name anymore. Do you have contact with a social worker as part of the court settlement. You really do have to put a stop to this asap. How must your poor child feel if he calls her by the wrong name all the time.

[PippiStocking]

He’s being controlling and ‘uncooperative’ as a way to get to you and show he still has some control over your lives and that he can do what he wants and you can’t stop him. This is really damaging for your daughter. She’s clearly already confused and upset by it. He doesn’t sound like he’s fit to have access to her.

[malificent7]

I'd call mental health services myself and suggest he gets sectioned!

[BlueSuffragette]

He is abusive or mentally unwell. Either way he is unfit to have parental responsibility. Stop this now to safeguard your DD. Go to court. Do not let him hurt your child anymore. Cut contact immediately and seek professional support.

[TheCrowening]

The reality of children’s services is that they are underfunded and can barely manage serious cases of abuse where the children are living with the abusive parent. Their thresholds for intervention are high as a result. Additionally they cannot go against a court order. While I agree that this scenario, if it continues, should be viewed as emotionally abusive, the correct way to deal with it is for the child’s mother to act to safeguard her child by returning to court. It does not need a social worker to safeguard when mum can do it.

[Heronwatcher]

I am actually horrified, I’m not making this up at all. It has made my blood run cold. If it was me I would simply say if you call her by her proper name or you don’t see her. If you threaten to take you to court tell him he’s welcome to try as there is not a solicitor or judge in this land who would think that this is normal. He’s also obviously causing her distress. You really need to stand up for her because she is not able to do that for herself. I would also watch out for your ex as this could be the start of something much worse, he sounds very ill.

[TopBlogger]

@SallSall I dont think people think it is relevant or any kind of excuse. They are just trying to find some kind of tiny reason for such crazy behaviour, however bizarre it may be

[ineedaholidaynow]

It’s not great parenting if you are calling your child by a different name as a form of control. If he has history of abuse against his partner, would this not be seen as emotional abuse against his daughter. I would have thought social services should know about this

[TheCrowening]

I don’t know why so many people are suggesting contacting social services. Social services will do nothing - this doesn’t meet their threshold for harm, and they can’t give advice to ignore a court order. It needs to go back to court.

[SallSall]

@clickychicky

As PP said, maybe he is dating someone called Charlotte.

That or he is unwell.

irrelevant - doesnt matter who he is dating. He is controlling knows and exactly the mind games he is playing. since when has anyone ever changed a name of a child because their partner or date was the same name as a family member --totally irrelevant.

[Italiangreyhound]

He sounds an absolute wanker, mostly because he was violent, of course, but also because this is twattish, controlling behaviour.

In all likelihood the best thing for your child is if she never needs to see this idiot again. So if he keeps this up do go back to court. he doesn't sound like he even likes his daughter if he is willing to do this to get at you.

[TheMadGardener]

This actually happened to a friend of mine years ago. She and her ex split up when their DDs were 3 and 1. He had contact visits and randomly decided to start calling the 3 yr old by her middle name, as her mum had chosen the first one. 3 yr old totally confused. My friend went back to court and her ex was sternly told not to be an idiot and to use the name the child identified with. He backed down. A couple of years later he moved away, remarried and lost interest in his DDs from his first marriage. Your ex sounds like a similar twat. Get your solicitor to write him a sharp letter about it.

[perrierplease]

How will that go down on parents evening then? He needs supervision with your daughter. He see her as an object and not a person which is very worrying. I would raise this with the school and social services. He's a horrible abusive man, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[timeisnotaline]

You can’t be passive about this, as it’s harming your child.
Immediate steps-
-affirm to her she doesn’t have to answer to any other names as they aren’t hers
-solicitors letter re it’s her name and the distress you’re causing her, and your text responses are uniformly ‘who? I don’t know a Sophie’ after that.
-message his parents so they know she doesn’t like it. I don't know why Ex is suddenly calling Charlotte Sophie but she is unhappy about it and not what she wants. Thought I would let you know in case Ex has told you something different. I’m getting advice about it.”
Then, 2 weeks after solicitors letter contact ss if he’s still doing it. If they ignore go to court. If they follow up give it 2 weeks and if he’s still doing it go back to court.

[Flowerlane]

@ButItsHerName your thread I could have written but 7 years ago.

My ex wouldn’t call our child by their name. I can’t say too much as it’s very outing but in the end my child was very very distressed it was put down as emotional abuse.

It was one of the reasons contact stopped altogether.

Even now 7 years on my child is very touchy if anyone tries to shorten their name or calls them something else in a jokey way. I had to stop calling him my little nickname he had since birth as he will only be called his actual name.

Don’t entertain him with this stupidness. If he messages about daughter but calls her a different name don’t answer him. If he continues then tell him you will take this further if this behaviour doesn’t stop.
Unfortunately if he persists then you will have no other option but to take it back to court.

Good luck.

[Happyd]

It's confusing for your daughter.. go back to
Court

[Summerdayshaze]

He sounds like a psychopath.

[SaltySheepdog]

It’s too late for him to change the name. It’s your DD decision not his at this age

[Erwhatno]

Absolutely don’t engage.

[recall]

That’s weird as fuck

[Flamglimglubberty]

This is such bizarre behaviour, I'm also inclined to suspect all is not well.

Alternatively, I wonder if he's got someone else knocked up and she wants to use the name for the baby and rather than be a grown up about it and tell her no he's decided this is the better solution.

[FrankButchersDickieBow]

@Maggiesfarm

At least he's not calling her 'Karen'.

What???

[Cherrysoup]

What a total cunt he is! Obviously he’s an idiot.