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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH suddenly not using DDs name

199 replies

ButItsHerName · 30/07/2021 16:49

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 30/07/2021 19:00

WTAF!! This is one of the most oddest and most disturbing things I’ve ever read and I’ve read some shockers on here!

If he is just texting you I wouldn’t engage and just say ‘I don’t know who you’re talking about’ or ‘if you mean Charlotte then yes she does like green’. If he is saying it to her face I genuinely would stop contact because that is so confusing for a little child!

I would text him right now and say ‘ It is not acceptable that you are calling our DD Charlotte when her name is Sophie. It is making her extremely upset and confused and she thinks you are forgetting who she is. If it happens again I will be requesting that you only have supervised access in a contact centre’

Rufus27 · 30/07/2021 19:01

@thefourgp

He’s emotionally abusing his child. What a total scumbag. It’s so disrespectful and harmful to tell his child he doesn’t like her name and won’t use it. There’s no way he can ever justify that as anything other than emotional abuse to a court.
This.

My children are adopted . We would have liked to change their names for safe guarding reasons (less easy to trace) but weren’t allowed to because of the psychological damage it would cause the children.

ShitPoetryClub · 30/07/2021 19:04

I can see why he is your ex.
What a knob. Maybe she should start calling him "Auntie Katie" see how he likes it?

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 19:08

@Finfintytint

Still engaging in the controlling behaviour then. Go back to court.

This ...

7wondersofthewold · 30/07/2021 19:11

Your poor daughter.

Don't play games with him. Tell him he is upsetting your daughter by calling her the wrong name and if it continues you'll have no choice but to go back to court to get his emotional abuse to stop.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 19:12

I wonder if you asked your DD to call your new bf daddy how he would feel. As surely theres nothing wrong to just call someone something different even though it’s not their name.

Obviously I wouldn’t do that anyway but it would be hard to not stoop to his petty level.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2021 19:13

Your poor dd. She’s so tiny at the moment. I’d be very concerned about how controlling and abusive he will be with her in the future during the teen years. Right now she’s so malleable. I would do anything I could to reduce contact if this is a taste of the future.

NoSquirrels · 30/07/2021 19:16

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name.

Bloody hell. There’s some absolute dickheads you read about on here but this is out there. What a bastard. Her name is not about him!

NoSquirrels · 30/07/2021 19:22

@MrsBertBibby

Is this all in writing, OP? I assume so.

If you were my client, I'd suggest a letter from me spelling out that his behaviour is hatmful, and if it persists, an application for a Specific Issue Order requiring him to address her by her name.

If he opposes that, it will be clear as day to the court that he is an abusive weirdo. At that stage, you can start considering where contact goes.

This sounds helpful.

Before this I think you need to be crystal clear in a message to him in writing:

X, you have been persistently calling DD by a different name. It’s upsetting her - she has told me she is very confused why you call her Sophie not Charlotte. As it’s causing her distress - it’s not a name she feels any connection to - please stop doing so immediately. She does not want to be known as Sophie. She wishes to be addressed as Charlotte.
Yours,

maddening · 30/07/2021 19:22

I would be tempted to tell him that if he does not wish to engage in abusive behaviour towards his daughter then he will stop calling her by the wrong name immediately or you will take him back to court as unsupervised contact with an abuser is not in the child's best interest.

Although I think either speak to ss that you think this man, who has history of being abusive, has done this, which you think is abusive and, if not outright abusive then certainly on the path, or go back to court and ask for supervised access on the basis of this behaviour.

Wafflethefuckinwonderdog · 30/07/2021 19:25

Insist on calling him something totally different. Very odd.

flapjackfairy · 30/07/2021 19:27

You could change his name to Dick . And refuse to call him anything else?

NoSquirrels · 30/07/2021 19:31

Don’t play games, though - calling him Dick, or Uncle or whatever.

Just 1) a firm written communication that it is unacceptable to call your DD anything but her real name.
2) telling your DD it is absolutely OK not to answer to Sophie and to remind Daddy to all her Charlotte.
3) an approach to his parents if you think that is a good idea.

And be prepared for 4) a solicitor letter.

mam0918 · 30/07/2021 19:38

Your daughter should just ignore him (litrally) everytime he uses the wrong name or if shes confident enough respond 'sorry you must have me mixed up with your other daughter'.

Adults should also call him out and tell him how ridiculous it is too (it doesnt matter if he likes the name because its not HIS name) but the truth is he is only distroying his own relationship, your daughter will see him for the twat he is.

HaveringWavering · 30/07/2021 19:40

OP, no messing about here. Solicitor’s letter pronto. This is serious.

AliceMcK · 30/07/2021 19:49

He’s already abusing your daughter mentally and emotionally by calling her by the wrong name. You might not want to go to court but it’s the only way your going to protect your daughter.

I would be saying that he is mentally and emotionally abusing your daughter therefore you will contacting a solicitor and the courts about his contact. Then I would stop engaging with him full stop.

footprintsintheslow · 30/07/2021 19:53

To be honest it's good he's doing it. Keep the messages and get back to court. What a cock he is. I'm seething for you

1forAll74 · 30/07/2021 19:54

Sounds like he is very immature, and wan'ts to be peevish and nasty to you, because you divorced him when your daughter was younger, and hasn't got the brain power to even think about your daughter,and how she loves her name, so basically he is upsetting her most of all with his idiotic and moronic ways.. It's so awful for your daughter, despite her refusing to respond to his crap ideas.

EarthSight · 30/07/2021 20:13

@Finfintytint

Still engaging in the controlling behaviour then. Go back to court.
This.

He's being a wanker. Calling a kid a different name might confuse a toddler even, nevermind a 7 year old who's been using and loving her name for years. It's either a tactic he's using against you, or he's trying to remake her identity, nothing thinking in the slightest the effect this would have on her.

Lovemusic33 · 30/07/2021 20:13

He sounds mentally unstable and I would be asking wether dd is safe to be alone with him, I would be getting legal advice. I know you say you don’t want to go back to court but he is abusing your dd and messing with her head, calling her by another name and refusing to use her real name is just weird and messed up.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 20:19

Is this all in writing, OP? I assume so.

If you were my client, I'd suggest a letter from me spelling out that his behaviour is hatmful, and if it persists, an application for a Specific Issue Order requiring him to address her by her name.

If he opposes that, it will be clear as day to the court that he is an abusive weirdo. At that stage, you can start considering where contact goes.

Great advice!

He sounds mentally unstable and I would be asking wether dd is safe to be alone with him

I was thinking this too it’s just not normal behaviour!
I would tell him if it happens again I’d want supervised access as a contact centre as I genuinely would have concerns about his mental health and the impact on his daughter. A think a judge would agree too!
What must she think of him! Poor little girl!

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 20:29

@HaveringWavering

OP, no messing about here. Solicitor’s letter pronto. This is serious.

I absolutely agree with this 🌸

RadandMad · 30/07/2021 20:39

He's a total wanker, isn't he? My deepest sympathy in having to deal with him.

WetBench · 30/07/2021 20:41

That’s awful and a huge red flag for controlling behaviour. Your poor daughter. Reassure her she is her name and you all love her etc. Tell her school when she returns.
I agree with others, contact your solicitor/social worker or whoever is involved in the court order, I would think this would be a reason to immediately end contact, it’s really really abusive to your daughter.
If his parents are nice, tell them they can have contact but daughter is upset and confused with contact with dad as he is changing her name. Also shows court you are the reasonable one keeping contact.

WetBench · 30/07/2021 20:43

Agree with others questioning his mental health and whether he is safe to have her as it is such such bizarre behaviour for a parent to do that to a child. It’s ok to act. Sorry you still have to be involved with him, but he’s short himself in the foot messaging you and putting his stupidity to try and control you both in writing.