ExH suddenly not using DDs name

[ButItsHerName]

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

I would flag it up to his parents, concerned about his mental health and the affect it’s having on DD.

@BlueLobelia

I would take it back to court actually. You can do it as a change to child arrangements (CAO) and specific issues order (SIO). Change to contact because of his behaviour and Specific issues to force him to use her proper name.

The main thing is that it will all be kept on file so every time he behaves like this over the years you have a history which displays exactly who he is.

This sounds like the most practical and balanced option.

^Have you got pre-senile dementia, Ex? YOU chose Charlotte as our daughter’s name - it is a worry that you can’t manage to remember your own dd’s name, chosen by you! Perhaps you should get assessed for Alzheimer’s.”

Start calling him Malcolm.

Assuming that's not his name.

Honestly though you're told your DD he's behaving like a fruit loop I assume? And it's ridiculous. And to try not to worry about it.

Is this all in writing, OP? I assume so.

If you were my client, I'd suggest a letter from me spelling out that his behaviour is hatmful, and if it persists, an application for a Specific Issue Order requiring him to address her by her name.

If he opposes that, it will be clear as day to the court that he is an abusive weirdo. At that stage, you can start considering where contact goes.

Absolutely agree with PP who said to keep every message where he calls her by the wrong name and make sure you have proof, ie when he says it, say, “Who are you talking about?” if you haven’t saved messages before now.

But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to court. This is abuse and he’s gaslighting your daughter and hurting her identity. Can you even imagine what it would feel like to have someone call you by the wrong name, so you refuse to respond, but then they say you’re playing up (and this person has the ability to punish you for playing up!) by not responding to your name… but it’s not your name!!! That’s exactly what gaslighting is: a form of abuse where someone tries to undermine a loved one so that person feels they must be “going crazy” or that the situation would “sound crazy” described to someone else. I’m so glad he’s doing it “publicly” (in front of you), not just trying to do it secretly during his contact time or communications with DD, so that you’re able to protect her and stop him trying to control the next generation because he couldn’t control you. What an utter bastard.

Don't enter into his mindgames. He's messing with his 7 year old DD just for the hell of it. It's emotional abuse. Go back to court.

I was wondering if he's met someone with her first name too.

Definitely have a discussion about names with her and try help her deal with it. What an absolute arse.

@Pipsquiggle

What a total twat. Very weird and very controlling.

Already some great advice on here. You need to start collating and documenting this evidence and start whatever process e.g. court order, there is that looks after the welfare of the child.

You cannot be passive in correspondence. You have to correct him and say that his choice of behaviour, by calling her a random name, is causing distress to your DD. There is a lot of evidence that forcibly changing children's names is very damaging, that is why when family's adopt even very very young children they cannot change their given name.

When you call him out in your messages calling your DD the wrong name, how does he react?

This from @Pipsquiggle

This could be so damaging for your DD

There's a well-known American athlete who does this to his son from a previous relationship. The family court judge ordered him to use his son's correct name but he still posts all over social media using the incorrect name. It reeks of controlling, abusive behaviour. I can't even imagine how confusing it would be.

Go to his parents.

‘I’m really worried about exH’s memory. He’s calling Charlotte Sophie’.

Sit back and watch.

He’s the insane one.

@RyanReynoldsHusband

Go to his parents.

‘I’m really worried about exH’s memory. He’s calling Charlotte Sophie’.

Sit back and watch.

He’s the insane one.

Agree with this too. May help on the court side of things too that you have tried every Avenue to change his behaviour

Go back to court. He is either unwell or doing this deliberately and doesn’t care about how it impacts your DD. Either way it is not in her best interests to have contact with him while this continues.
If you let this slide who knows what he will do to her next??

@2bazookas is spot on here I think.
Please make sure you’ve got her passport. He knows full well what he’s doing. Grooming her for a new name. I hope I’m wrong but please be careful if case he takes her one day and doesn’t return her.

@Finfintytint

Still engaging in the controlling behaviour then. Go back to court.

^^This. Pathetic little man.

Assuming its him being a dick and not for any health reasons or he is trying to take her from you as someone else has said.

I would check what the rules are about stopping him seeing her, if that gets you into trouble with the court, then I would suggest you taking him to court first. I get why you wouldn't want to do this, but its emotional abuse and through your daughter he is getting to you.

Its up to you to protect her.

Nothing helpful from me other than what an absolute tosser and your poor daughter. At least she has you as the sane logical parent. Good luck as it sounds like you’re going to need it with him. As much as you can don’t go down to his level.

@ButItsHerName

Thank you everyone, don't really want to go back to court over it unless I have to, I was more after ideas of how to get him to stop.

I will definitely respond with "I don't know who that is" next time he asks about Sophie.

Have you normally had success getting him to change his ways on your own by just ignoring him?

Because if you haven’t I would suggest you’re probably wasting your time, though I think for your daughter’s sake you should stop responding to his use of Sophie, it’s kind of disrespectful to her to go along with it.

He may just tire of it, or he may up his game. You probably know best what response is more likely.

How strange - I think he's unwell rather than controlling. (although he may well be that too).

I'm not sure that you are assessing correctly how damaging this is to you child OP.

Sorry, I think you are so used to his abuse that your boundaries for your daughter are fuzzy rather than firm.

He is denying who she is. How confusing for a young child.

That is awful so now he is turning his emotional abuse towards his DC. He is purposefully causing her distress and doesnt care a jot. He is seeking a reaction from you, he doesnt care that his DD is upset, it is all about getting to you. My ex used to do that with me, it was never about our DC it was always about getting at me

Start calling him Uncle Dave, Charlotte is really looking forward to her weekend with you uncle Dave, Charlotte's made a lovely birthday card for Uncle Dave. See if he likes it.

Or Moron, call him that

I've never heard of someone doing this before. Could he be ill? Very strange behaviour.

This is so odd it’s unreal. Surely it’s a form of emotional abuse if dd doesn’t like it??? What a fucking idiot.