ExH suddenly not using DDs name

[ButItsHerName]

DD is 7. Split with ExH when she was 2. If it adds context we split due to his violence and control but he has regular court ordered contact with DD.

For absolute clarity ExH chose her first name when I was 25 weeks pregnant, it’s a top 20 name with several shortenings. I chose her middle name, but as soon as he told me what first name he wanted I thought it was beautiful and that’s always been her name. The moment she was born she looked like her name. For this thread let’s say her name is Charlotte, it’s not but it’s similarly popular.

DD loves her name in school they were asked what they’d have named themselves if they could have chosen and she said “Charlotte, I like my name” (I was told this by the TA for the class as I know her personally). ExH has always seemed happy with his choice and I definitely am, it’s a strong name and goes well with her middle name, I honestly couldn’t imagine her being called anything at all. She is Charlotte/her actual name.

ExH has suddenly started calling her a totally different name, say Sophie. It’s not either her first name or her middle name. On every message he asks me about Sophie and how she is. He doesn’t have any other children or know any with this name. He’s also started calling it her to her face. DD refuses to answer.

When asked why he just says he prefers Sophie to Charlotte as a name. He moans that DD has started playing up for him, refusing to respond to her name and when I asked what he’s calling her he says “Sophie of course”. I’ve pointed out he’s using the wrong name but he says he no longer likes her name. He could have chosen any other name he wanted for her and it would have been in her name somewhere as we agreed to choose one name each, I chose this as her first name as it works better as a first name.

ExHs parents absolutely love DDs name, when they asked ExH what name we were using before DD was born they both said “That’s absolutely beautiful”, and have both since said her name really suits her. So I don’t think it’s coming from them, her grandparents and great grandparents on that side continue to call her Charlotte. One of her great grandparents calls her Lottie which she reluctantly responds to because said great grandparent has another great grandchild with the same name who is known as Lottie (GGP is about 90 so I’ve explained that they probably forget) but that’s the only time she ever responds to it, she hates it being shortened any other time and in all other contexts she’s Charlotte.

So AIBU to ask what can I do to get back at ExH considering he chose DDs name? Other than calling him the wrong name?

He’s emotionally abusing his child. What a total scumbag. It’s so disrespectful and harmful to tell his child he doesn’t like her name and won’t use it. There’s no way he can ever justify that as anything other than emotional abuse to a court.

If it were me, I'd stop contact. Iet him explain to the court when he applies to reinstate it that he "doesn't like her name"
Watch them rip him a new one. This is clear abuse. Keep her away from it.

I find it hard to advise you Op because I've never, ever heard this one before. Grandparents sometimes use pet names for their DGC or DF's give their DD's sweet, affectionate names like Sweetypie or Princess, but your EXH is just being weird. He named her once, now he wants another bite of the cherry.

Just keep saying our DD's name is Charlotte, better still ignore any message which misnames her.

Congratulations on divoring such a complete and utter arse

This is utterly bizarre. Does your daughter talk to you about it? Was wondering what she thinks about it all and how uncomfortable it’s making her.

I would be tempted to send him a picture of her birth certificate. And keep doing so everytime he calls her by the wrong name.

I'd be a bit concerned about whether he is mentally well if he thinks he can just change her name or thinks that it actually DEFINITELY IS her name suggests some kind of delusion.

Has he taken up with a woman called 'Charlotte'?
Bizarre behaviour.
Refuse to engage.

@TheCrowening

This is utterly bizarre. Does your daughter talk to you about it? Was wondering what she thinks about it all and how uncomfortable it’s making her.

She does talk about it, she says "Why doesn't dad like my name anymore?" and reminds me a lot that she likes her name.

@2catsandhappy

Has he taken up with a woman called 'Charlotte'? Bizarre behaviour. Refuse to engage.

Possibly, I never thought of that actually it could be.

Don’t get your DD involved in calling him other names. Please don’t. That’s so not fair on her. He is already messing with her head.

I would firstly contact his parents but as others have said this is more than likely him being controlling, which may mean a return to court if it is impacting your child

Your post was too long, really: it doesn't matter how popular her name is; who chose her first name, and who her middle; whether she's told the TA she likes it; whether she 'looks' like one - her name has been her name all her life and she is now seven. For your ex to start calling her by a completely different one, and referring to her a sick in communications with you, is completely barking. Tell the school; tell the courts. He's loopy. Don't engage.

as such not a sick 🙄

I'd stop contact, the court ordered contact is for Charlotte and he is contacting you about a different child. Let him take you back to court.

A lot of the time it's not too hard to see both sides - but in this case I'm open mouthed. He is so U it's not true.
How to get him to stop...
Given that he's an abusive controlling wanker who doesn't have her best interests at heart and willing to play mind games... Its a tricky one.
I'd concentrate on your daughter. Daddy likes to play silly games. Daddy forgets to think about how people feel about things. But it's OK to remind Daddy you want him to use your name.

@thefourgp

He’s emotionally abusing his child. What a total scumbag. It’s so disrespectful and harmful to tell his child he doesn’t like her name and won’t use it. There’s no way he can ever justify that as anything other than emotional abuse to a court.

This. It's abominable behaviour.

That absolutely is emotionally abusing your child.

I would contact your GP and ask for SS to be involved.

That is very disturbing and terribly damaging.

Your poor daughter.

What a weird thing to do. If my ex did thus I would consider contacting social services and asking if I can refuse contact there's something wrong with him?

He can't think it's normal to change a 7 year old's name surely. It's just bizarre.

There’s nothing you can do to make him stop - especially as he clearly wants to be controlling.

You can only control your own response. I like your suggested strategy of simply not responding if he asks about Sophie, or saying you don’t know any Sophies. I would absolutely refuse to give any information until he has referred to your daughter by the right name. Don’t say ‘her name is Charlotte and she’s fine’. Just say ‘I don’t know a Sophie, sorry’, and rinse and repeat until he uses her actual name.

there's two reasons here for this behaviour:

1. he's a controlling wanker who just wants to piss you and Charlotte off
2. he's had some weird breakdown.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan agreed it’s absolutely irrelevant if her name is a lovely Ben or not popular or not and it doesn’t matter who chose it. It is very weird for him to think he can change her name after 7 years of her life. I would simply not respond until he uses her real name and I would be telling him that so he can’t argue that you stoped contact.

I actually think he is undermining your daughters identity. Her name is part of who she is; and is a part of her that she likes. It screams abuse to me

What and absolute wanker. You can't control him. I would message his parents even if they don't respond if they are reasonable people they will be concerned about their grandchild. Agree with everyone above that you don't know any Sophie and no further engagement. Keep records of everything as it won't look good in court if it does go that far.

I would focus on your daughter. Empower her. Do an activity where you both get big block letters of your names and decorate them in a fun relaxed way to open up the conversation so she feels ownership over her name because if someone she loves is trying to change it, that can be confusing. Then I would have a conversation about what we can say if someone calls us by the wrong name. It doesn't have to focus on her dad but can also be what if someone calls us a nickname we don't like or someone at school uses a mean name. Equip her with phrases she use in that situation and encourage her to kindly but clearly repeat her name and that she doesn't have to answer to anything she doesn't like.

I love the fact she already knows she can refuse to answer. She's strong and powerful and knows her mum has her back! Keep reinforcing she's doing great.

At least he's not calling her 'Karen'.

This is cruel and abusive. You can't make him stop, you can't control him. All you can do is flag up and start the process of trying to reduce his contact with her. Do you have a social worker or similar you can raise this with? I think it's pretty serious.