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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be inspired by the 'you can have it all' mums

166 replies

user6767 · 30/07/2021 15:29

Sorry my title sounds very negative this is not to have a go at other mums. It's come from me hearing a lot about Helen Glover who has done great at the Olympics recently and has 3 children under 3 and also worked as a junior doctor. I have seen quit afew comments about it shows mums you can do anything you want/the you can have it all comments etc.

I am not having a go at Helen Glover she has done amazing! But it's almost like that is the 'ideal'. That mums should all inspire to. I just don't agree. In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much. I work part time as it's a good balance for my situation. But I have often had comments about how I have stalled my career. I quite simply don't care I want that time with my children.

I am not having a go at others mothers nor do I think there is nothing wrong with working full time as a mum. I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

I'm not articulating myself very well and will probably get flamed for this Blush. AIBU?

OP posts:
lifehappened · 30/07/2021 15:31

Who cares really? Amazing she's done that with 3 kids and it's fine that you would rather spend more time with yours. People are saying IF you want to you can have it all. You don't have to. Neither approach to parenting is better, just different

felulageller · 30/07/2021 15:32

We could all do more if we had the kind of help I assume she's had- partner/nannies/ family help/ childcare.

beattieedny · 30/07/2021 15:32

It's a fraught subject as almost all women feel they are doing it wrong. Ignore what is right for others. What works for you and your family? That's all that matters. Most of us muddle along somewhere on the spectrum from super homemaker to high flier. I stayed at home because I was able to and my job was crap. Worked for us. Other friends worked from part time to full time. Our kids are all great, grown up now. Honestly, it's a waste of time worrying about it. Enjoy then!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 30/07/2021 15:34

Helen Grover isn’t a doctor. Polly Swann (her partner) is the doctor.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/07/2021 15:35

‘Having it all’ will always mean different things to different people. No one version would suit everyone, and no version comes without sacrifice. We’re all doing what we hope is best for our families and ourselves. Don’t worry about anyone else. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2021 15:36

Do yourself a favour and Google Man Who Has It All. It shows the utter nonsense of this. manwhohasitallshop.com/

TheQueenofMoo · 30/07/2021 15:36

IME, women having it all just means doing it all. Or paying someone else to do it all for you.

I also think given that she is professional athlete and her husband is a TV personality, they have resources available to them most couples don't.

Walkingtheplank · 30/07/2021 15:37

I knew this would be about Helen Glover.
Her husband was on tv last week saying how so many new parents had contacted them to say thank you for showing that parents can achieve things despite having very young children (who said they couldnt?). To be honest, I dont think that many new parents contacted them at all. I expect there were lots of new mums who felt cr@p comparing themselves who were just getting by or had funnelled all their efforts into caring for their baby, with the physical prowess of Helen Glover.

I wouldn't want to take anything away from Helen. It was a great effort which she combined with breastfeeding so she literally gave it everything. I think Polly who was a doctor during the pandemic should have received a bit more of the publicity.

Dyrne · 30/07/2021 15:38

Women get attacked whatever they do. Go to work? Evil. Stay at home? Evil. Work part time? Evil. People just want to shit all over women so best to just do whatever you want without taking it personally when people are talking about someone completely separate to you.

For every “wow this woman is amazing for doing it all!” There is an equally as annoying “lolz my kids are running feral, pass me the Gin!” stereotype. In reality most of us are just muddling along the best we can, no reason to drag anyone down.

Sally872 · 30/07/2021 15:38

I think it is showing admiration of the extra dedication it must have taken to achieve this success while having small children and a career.

I don't think anyone is suggesting we should all aim for that. Praising someone is not critiquing those who are different.

maddening · 30/07/2021 15:39

I don't think your position is looked down on.

And full time working mums are equally kicked, even in the OP it is possible to take the following quote as a dig at that choice, that the mother is less of a mother "In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much."

What we need to do is not take someone being pleased with their choice - eg successful career/fabulous balancing with p/t work/ amazing hands on parenting of a shame as a judgement on our own.

Eg celebrating Helen G is not a dig at you and your choice.

And also stop criticising other choices - eg why did you have kids if you are going to use childcare blah blah blah. Or you are ruining your career blah blah blah.

maddening · 30/07/2021 15:40

Shame = sahm sorry autocorrect!

MissyB1 · 30/07/2021 15:41

You can’t really have it all - because there’s always a compromise. Having it all doesn’t really exist.

Someone must have been looking after the kids, maybe dad has a very flexible job? Or there are very helpful grandparents on the scene. Not all of us have those scenarios in our lives.
Also money talks, people with money have more choices.

GoodVibesHere · 30/07/2021 15:41

If a man had achieved this I don't think the media would make such a huge thing of the home life/kids situation.

What she has done is amazing, but it does feel a little bit like the media are trying to make out that there is 'no excuse' for mums. Like holding her up as an example as if to say 'you can all get fit just weeks after childbirth, if only you make the effort'.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/07/2021 15:41

You can have it all - great, admirable, inspiring etc. You ought to want to have it all - No. Push off. CBA TBH, as they say on the interwebz. One of the great things about being old and ornery is that people don't expect you to do all that youthful prancing about and achieving stuff.

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 30/07/2021 15:41

[quote MrsTerryPratchett]Do yourself a favour and Google Man Who Has It All. It shows the utter nonsense of this. manwhohasitallshop.com/[/quote]
I haven't seen this before, thank you. It's brilliant

Dyrne · 30/07/2021 15:42

“I’m not having a go”

[Insert 3 separate digs about a woman daring to spend some time apart from her children]

Sally872 · 30/07/2021 15:43

It may be inspiring to someone who has given up training because of small children to realise there might be a way. Might also be that there isn't as I expect this woman had great support system too.

My children are not the reason I do not have an Olympic medal Grin

edwinbear · 30/07/2021 15:43

As a PP said, Helen Glover isn't a doctor - that's her partner Polly Swann.

Wanttocry · 30/07/2021 15:51

What we need to do is not take someone being pleased with their choice - eg successful career/fabulous balancing with p/t work/ amazing hands on parenting of a shame as a judgement on our own.

Eg celebrating Helen G is not a dig at you and your choice.

I agree that generally celebrating Helen Glover isn’t a dig but comments like “Glover shows women they can have it all” do imply that women who perhaps don’t go out to work do need/want to be shown they can have it all. As if SAHM are all doing so because they don’t realise they could have a job as well, rather than because they’ve made a choice (probably with their partner) of what works best for them and their family.

I don’t put any of this on Helen Glover, or mothers generally who work full time (I work full time and have a toddler), it’s just the narrative around it.

WildWestWanda · 30/07/2021 15:56

You say you’re not having a go but then write “ In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much”. So, you are having a go, you’re judging her for being away from her children. Do you also judge men whose careers take them away from their kids??

katienana · 30/07/2021 15:59

There's only 16 working hours in the day, you can't give 100% of yourself to all 3! Most people have to choose and hobbies/sports are often the first thing to go when they have kids. You can pick it up again later when kids are older.
I'm a SAHM and to spend as much time as I do looking after them I can't also have a full time job unless I stop sleeping 😴
I refuse to feel guilt or pressure to return to work but would do so if circumstances changed it was necessary.
Olympians are not normal they and their families make huge sacrifices to compete at that level and while they are inspiring they aren't a standard that we should all be aiming at.

chunderwunder · 30/07/2021 16:03

I think that life is very competitive and there is status in being a high achiever. It's ok to not want to be part of that. Embrace your mediocrity!

Polkadots2021 · 30/07/2021 16:06

@user6767

Sorry my title sounds very negative this is not to have a go at other mums. It's come from me hearing a lot about Helen Glover who has done great at the Olympics recently and has 3 children under 3 and also worked as a junior doctor. I have seen quit afew comments about it shows mums you can do anything you want/the you can have it all comments etc.

I am not having a go at Helen Glover she has done amazing! But it's almost like that is the 'ideal'. That mums should all inspire to. I just don't agree. In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much. I work part time as it's a good balance for my situation. But I have often had comments about how I have stalled my career. I quite simply don't care I want that time with my children.

I am not having a go at others mothers nor do I think there is nothing wrong with working full time as a mum. I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

I'm not articulating myself very well and will probably get flamed for this Blush. AIBU?

I agree. Women are enough just being who they are, someone's mum, or sister, or whatever. It's not okay to pressure anyone to feel like they need a list of achievements to be worth something.
Demilunary · 30/07/2021 16:06

Good site, @MrsTerryPratchett — I am definitely in the market for a CAN MEN BE FUNNY?’ tote bag. Grin

OP, your post is deeply moralistic about a woman choosing to be away from her children. I ‘have it all’ in that I am a mother and am successful in a demanding professional career, plus I run marathons. It is perfectly possible. If you don’t want to work FT with children, or pursue sports, then don’t. I don’t mind whether you do or not, even if I personally find it incomprehensible how someone could cease to be interested in their career purely because they’ve had a child. Your choice.

But it’s pretty misogynistic to carp at a mother who is also a sports high-achiever because it makes you feel uncomfortable about your own choices.