To not be inspired by the 'you can have it all' mums

[user6767]

Sorry my title sounds very negative this is not to have a go at other mums. It's come from me hearing a lot about Helen Glover who has done great at the Olympics recently and has 3 children under 3 and also worked as a junior doctor. I have seen quit afew comments about it shows mums you can do anything you want/the you can have it all comments etc.

I am not having a go at Helen Glover she has done amazing! But it's almost like that is the 'ideal'. That mums should all inspire to. I just don't agree. In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much. I work part time as it's a good balance for my situation. But I have often had comments about how I have stalled my career. I quite simply don't care I want that time with my children.

I am not having a go at others mothers nor do I think there is nothing wrong with working full time as a mum. I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

I'm not articulating myself very well and will probably get flamed for this . AIBU?

I’ve been following HG and SB on insta for a number of years now. I know I know that insta’s not real life! But I think it gives a good indication of how they both combine fitness and parenting.

I also love this....
www.instagram.com/p/CR9s1w2IS6n/?utm_medium=copy_link

And yes, just because you're in the Olympics doesn't mean your hobby stops being a hobby.

Surely for some it's their job?

Some of these comments are batshit & depressing.

[quote MrsTerryPratchett]Do yourself a favour and Google Man Who Has It All. It shows the utter nonsense of this. manwhohasitallshop.com/[/quote]
If you follow on Facebook, everyone dedicates themselves to the comments section, not breaking cover, I bloody love it.

I think you’re taking this a bit off, for me the message from what she has achieved is that you shouldn’t automatically dismiss doing something because you have young kids. Obviously you should want to do it and be prepared to make sacrifices, such as leaving your kids for longer (and she said in the documentary she felt guilty about it), but she’s really just saying don’t write stuff off just because you have young kids.

@Snoozer11

You can only "have it all" in this case if you have a lot of financial support.

And yes, just because you're in the Olympics doesn't mean your hobby stops being a hobby.

Except you’re paid to be a professional sportsman/woman. It’s not a sodding hobby

GB invested £24million in rowing alone... it’s not a hobby ffs

@Heronwatcher that's how I see it & good for her!

Yes, you can have it all. IF you have the money and support in the first instance.

What Helen Glover has achieved has impressed me.

But generally it's easier for women to 'have it all' if we have support from others or the money to pay for it. Plenty of women will not be able to access either of those.

I felt I 'had it all' when I was able to stop working for three years when my children were small - to someone else that wouldn't be having it all. So it's a subjective term anyway! And never applied to fathers!

@LittleBearPad it starts out as a sodding hobby. To get good enough to be paid as a professional sportsperson, you have to commit the time and energy.

Which you can only do if you have money.

[quote Snoozer11]@LittleBearPad it starts out as a sodding hobby. To get good enough to be paid as a professional sportsperson, you have to commit the time and energy.

Which you can only do if you have money.[/quote]
Not true - I won’t deny that people with money have a very good head start; but there are some inspiring Olympians from a low economic background - there are funding routes and options at many levels before you get to “Olympic”.

You can only achieve what someone like her has achieved if you're in a position of privilege with either a lot of practical support around you, or the means to purchase support.

Good on her, it's impressive, she's excelled. But you don't manage to train enough hours to becoming an Olympian while caring for three children without a significant amount of support: someone is caring for those children all 24hr of the day. I absolutely guarantee that they are either wealthy enough to employ a nanny, or have significant hands on childcare support from family. That isn't something that's available to the majority of us, so we shouldn't feel surprised we're not out there achieving excellence in a field that requires many hours of intensive training per month!

By ‘have it all’ I’m guessing they mean you can be a mum, a professional and have a time consuming hobby. But there are sacrifices whichever route you choose. I’ve juggled working FT with young kids and the stress of trying to progress my career whilst dealing with nursery runs and DC hating wraparound care and holiday clubs was too much in the end. I felt I was spread too thinly and not doing well at parenting or at work. I think everyone needs to find a balance that works for them.

My ideal is part time in a job that allows me to pick up from school at 3pm at least 3x week, drop off without using breakfast club, and I have flexi hours that mean I don’t have to work and pack kids off to clubs every school holiday. When they’re older maybe they’ll want to go to holiday clubs, so I’ll change my hours, but I felt they were suffering due to me wanting to work FT. Also DH works FT and is the main earner so I need to fit my career around his.

@Monday26July

You can only achieve what someone like her has achieved if you're in a position of privilege with either a lot of practical support around you, or the means to purchase support.

Good on her, it's impressive, she's excelled. But you don't manage to train enough hours to becoming an Olympian while caring for three children without a significant amount of support: someone is caring for those children all 24hr of the day. I absolutely guarantee that they are either wealthy enough to employ a nanny, or have significant hands on childcare support from family. That isn't something that's available to the majority of us, so we shouldn't feel surprised we're not out there achieving excellence in a field that requires many hours of intensive training per month!

Well, HG will have been supported by UK Sport and its subsidiaries, which are there to ensure the athletes have the support they need to train full time. Rowing has been particularly well-funded since the lottery funding started, when GB only won one gold at the Atlanta Olympics (Redgrave and Pinsent in rowing).

news.sky.com/story/tokyo-olympics-lottery-money-and-the-medal-dream-how-team-gb-is-funded-12367961

She’s not from a privileged background, her family is very sporty and she got a sports scholarship to a school (for hockey and running, I think, not rowing), and studied sports science and became a PE teacher. She got onto a funded ‘starters’ GB rowing programme as a student, but in 2010 quit her job and had no income while she trained for the national team selection, though after that she was funded to train FT as she was doing well in a sport that funding was being pumped into. She retired to have children after the last Olympics after years of successes, but decided to unretire during lockdown, and has been quite upfront about the challenges of juggling small children and training. I assume part of the package she is awarded by GB Rowing helps fund childcare, but I think it’s completely inaccurate to see her as coming from a position of unthinking privilege. Rowing has been her job for years. She’s a hardworking and committed person. Her only ‘luck’ was being discovered as a talent at the right time to be funded because rowing was targeted as a cash recipient.

Same as Polly Swann, who was juggling medical degrees and working as a doctor with rowing.

@Monday26July

You can only achieve what someone like her has achieved if you're in a position of privilege with either a lot of practical support around you, or the means to purchase support.

Good on her, it's impressive, she's excelled. But you don't manage to train enough hours to becoming an Olympian while caring for three children without a significant amount of support: someone is caring for those children all 24hr of the day. I absolutely guarantee that they are either wealthy enough to employ a nanny, or have significant hands on childcare support from family. That isn't something that's available to the majority of us, so we shouldn't feel surprised we're not out there achieving excellence in a field that requires many hours of intensive training per month!

There’s a whole documentary about how she’s done it. Watch it.

@AnotherMarvellousThing

I don't mean she has been born into privilege necessarily, just that she has privilege if she's able to balance having her children cared for alongside training, alongside making an income (which if it's from the rowing is great, it takes away one extra source of stress not having to work at an additional job too, but is also a privilege, being paid to train).

And I don't for a moment expect she's 'unthinking' about her privilege, I suspect she's well aware. She'll have had access to childcare, support and financial backing to achieve what she has and I would be surprised if she doesn't acknowledge that.

I don't think it's a bad thing to acknowledge that another mother who has no family support, no ability to pay for a nanny or childcare, wouldn't have a chance of achieving what she has. That doesn't detract from her achievements.

Maybe I'm being over-sensitive but I really hate the "you can't have it all" line of thought.

Partly because, as many people have pointed out, men don't get told they can't "have it all".

But also because I'm a single parent and work FT so I have to "have it all". If I don't have it all my life would unravel. Because there's no-one who can take any of the slack -- financial or otherwise - for me.

When people tut at women that they can't have it all its basically a coded way of saying "you should work less". It makes us single parents feel a bit . Because some of us don't have the luxury of worrying about whether its bad for our kids to be ambitious. Ambition and hard work is the only way we can survive and provide the best we can for our kids.

Possibly a bit of a derail, but it sticks in the craw when people judge you for wanting to provide for your kids and also care for them. I sometimes wish people would stop and think about this before moralising about whether women are working too much.

I don't aspire to be Helen but I do admire her. That sheer determination and dedication - I don't have it in me.

As for women "having it all" I don't think it's a case of having three under three, being an oymloan and a junior doctor (which she's not, but let's throw it I'm there) but a case of being happy with your lot.

Also (and crucial) not being surrounded by people who expect you to do things with no support.

So in other words if you were working and training and have children you need childcare and not have a husband who expects it to be your responsibility to ensure the children are cared and also you can't expect to be able to spend all your time with your children

Here are some facts in case anyone is interested

• HG is married to Steve Backshall and has sponsorship deals with Petit Filous, Whole Earth, Cotswold Outdoor. She is not short of money.
• however, she does not work or have a career outside of rowing. She did train as a teacher but has not taught since before the 2012 Olympics. Since having her children and retiring from rowing she is a SAHM. She did have many commitments with the media when her children were small, and her mum accompanied her on the majority of them as a nanny, so she could still breastfeed etc
• her mum helps out a lot when Steve is away
• until the European Championships in Italy this year she had never spent a night away from her children
• she does not get funding for childcare as she is almost always with her children
• she went to a comprehensive school, no scholarship needed. She excelled in sport and later took up rowing after responding to a talent spotting ad ahead of London 2012

I wouldn't worry about it OP. No doubt (like 99.99% of the population) you could spend the rest of your life training for the Olympics or going for that CEO position and not get there. So there's no need to be so angsty.

I don't think it's a bad thing to acknowledge that another mother who has no family support, no ability to pay for a nanny or childcare, wouldn't have a chance of achieving what she has. That doesn't detract from her achievements.

But she achieved the financial support (which I assume in her case will have involved funds to help with childcare) because of her sporting achievements, which considerably predate her having children.

Once she was selected for the national team, she was funded by government and lottery sports funding to train. Rowing was her FT job, just as teaching had been before that. She retired to have her children after the last Olympics, but when she flagged herself as available again when the Olympics were postponed, the extremely hard-headed world of elite GB sport (which concentrates funding on those it views as the best medal bets), backed her again because they thought she was a good prospect and funded her again to train FT.

It's a very different situation to Beth Shriever, whose Olympic funding was cut (they decided only to support male riders, as no women had won medals in the last Olympics), so she crowdfunded herself to Tokyo and won gold. Which will (one hopes) mean that future female BMX competitors will be funded like Helen Glover.

I think Helen Glover is amazing. I admire her.

YABU

the key is can.

I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much and it's fine, you can stay close to your children.

I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

everything can be a negative, you just proved it by blaming her for spending a lot of time "away from her children". MN especially is vile against SAHM, working mums are shamed for neglecting their kids.
There's always someone who will comment and be negative.

Who cares.

There was a particularly vicious thread a while back against mothers in the military. The problem is people so insecure about their own choices they have to be nasty towards others.

Instead of judging Helen Glover, just use your kids as the excuse for not being an Olympian