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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be inspired by the 'you can have it all' mums

166 replies

user6767 · 30/07/2021 15:29

Sorry my title sounds very negative this is not to have a go at other mums. It's come from me hearing a lot about Helen Glover who has done great at the Olympics recently and has 3 children under 3 and also worked as a junior doctor. I have seen quit afew comments about it shows mums you can do anything you want/the you can have it all comments etc.

I am not having a go at Helen Glover she has done amazing! But it's almost like that is the 'ideal'. That mums should all inspire to. I just don't agree. In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much. I work part time as it's a good balance for my situation. But I have often had comments about how I have stalled my career. I quite simply don't care I want that time with my children.

I am not having a go at others mothers nor do I think there is nothing wrong with working full time as a mum. I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

I'm not articulating myself very well and will probably get flamed for this Blush. AIBU?

OP posts:
UnGoogled · 30/07/2021 18:53

I've made it through the week, and frankly, if anyone knew the life I have, I'd probably qualify for a gold medal too. Another woman's achievements don't detract from mine.

CaptSkippy · 30/07/2021 19:01

The reason Helen Glover's accomplishments are so impressive is because she is an absolute outlier. She beat the odds and good for her.
However, what she has accomplished is not feasible for most, even for those who would want it. It's a happy coincidence of effort, talent, will, ability and luck. Physically, mentally and financially she was in exactly the right spot.

rubbletrouble · 30/07/2021 19:06

I think anyone who achieves the goals they set out to is brilliant, no matter what those are, so absolute salute her.

I concentrate on having the life I want, so in my life I do have it all, but that would be very different to my best mates definition of having it all, everyone is different, thankfully, as the world would be bloody boring otherwise.

We should celebrate each others successes, but not as a comparison to our own or anyone else's, just as theirs.
We should also celebrate our own successes, as stand alone successes, no comparison needs to be drawn.

So no I'm not inspired by those who "have it all", I'm happy for them, but no, not inspired.

Suspicioussam · 30/07/2021 19:10

Theres no such thing as having it all. There are only so many hours in an day and everything is a compromise. There is nothing wrong with OP saying she wouldn't want that time away from her kids, she is just stating a fact. The fact is if you train for the Olympics it will require a lot of time away from your kids. That doesn't mean the kids are disadvantaged and it isn't a judgement on her as a parent. There are many ways to be a loving parent and this idea of 'having it all' is the problem. You choose a lifestyle and a family set up that works for you and the Olympics was important to her so it's important she does it. It's a phenomenal achievement. But there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend more of your 24 hours at home with your children and focus purely on that instead. It isn't having 'less'.

Washimal · 30/07/2021 19:11

It’s hard enough to be a mum and now we have a media narrative that we should all be able to be Olympic athletes. As if there wasn’t enough pressure on us.

Literally no one is saying this though. That's your interpretation.

museumum · 30/07/2021 19:18

So helen glover is a mum and an Olympian. Great. That literally does not say anything about what other mums should be/do. It’s a brilliant thing that she has shown athletes and sportswomen that motherhood doesn’t have to mean the end. So has no pavey and others. Mums who are Not already Olympians should chill out. You’re not being judged here.

Laura muir is an Olympian who trained as a vet while breaking world records, do all bets now worry they’re not enough without a wr?

NoMoreCovidPlease · 30/07/2021 20:16

Praising her dedication and commitment is not a criticism of you. There is no doubt that what she achieved is much harder when you also have a young family to worry about. It makes her achievement even greater.

And many of us do wonder how we can have it all. I want kids. I also love my career. I don't need to hear from women who have chosen to stay at home. So accept that many don't want what you have and do indeed look for these kinds of examples.

JackieCollinshasnoauthority · 30/07/2021 20:19

I agree. If I was willing to spend time apart from my children I would definitely be an Olympian by now but I guess I just care more about my kids.

Comedycook · 30/07/2021 20:20

@JackieCollinshasnoauthority

I agree. If I was willing to spend time apart from my children I would definitely be an Olympian by now but I guess I just care more about my kids.
Would you? In what particular event?!
Spyro1234 · 30/07/2021 20:26

I completely agree. I put my career in the back burner so my children and I could enjoy each other ! I would feel awful working full time.

LittleBearPad · 30/07/2021 20:33

@JackieCollinshasnoauthority

I agree. If I was willing to spend time apart from my children I would definitely be an Olympian by now but I guess I just care more about my kids.
Aren’t you funny. I’m also interested to know in which event
LittleBearPad · 30/07/2021 20:34

@Spyro1234

I completely agree. I put my career in the back burner so my children and I could enjoy each other ! I would feel awful working full time.
Odfod. Such a smug attitude (and I also work part time)
Viviennemary · 30/07/2021 20:35

Not interested in those pseudo superwoman types. It ususlly ends in tears.

Darbs76 · 30/07/2021 20:37

Helen is not a doctor, that’s her sailing partner.

You can’t have it all, that’s why Helen said she’s not going to be competing competitively now as she wants to spend that time with the kids. Clearly she’s given up a lot to train, but why not? She’s got a talent and the kids have 2 parents who can care for them, not to mention grandparents or childcare / nanny etc. They are still very young and she can now devote more time to them

sst1234 · 30/07/2021 20:38

Negative is exactly what the post is. With all the disclaimers thrown in about how ‘I don’t want to take anything away from her’ etc etc. Sad for young girls that for every inspirational role model out there, there are a ton of women queuing around the block ready to tell them otherwise.

sst1234 · 30/07/2021 20:40

@JackieCollinshasnoauthority

I agree. If I was willing to spend time apart from my children I would definitely be an Olympian by now but I guess I just care more about my kids.
Wow, aren’t you the virtuous earth mother and aren’t Olympian mothers terribly selfish. There is no hope for young girls in society with prevailing attitudes like these.
Libraryghost · 30/07/2021 20:45

Good for her, she has done well but I expect she has had a lot of support. I used to compare myself all the time to others and found it resulted in anxiety. There will always be amazing superwomen but most of us muddle on and have to let some things slide. I know I do!

Viviennemary · 30/07/2021 20:49

If people stopped expecting accolades from others there wouldn't be a problem. I don't care if a woman runs a multi billion dollar company, takes part in the Olympics or stays at home. If they were members of my family I might but otherwise why would I be interested in their choices

JackieCollinshasnoauthority · 30/07/2021 20:50

@Comedycook I was thinking gold in sarcasm but based on the responses, maybe I'll have to settle for bronze.

Comedycook · 30/07/2021 20:52

[quote JackieCollinshasnoauthority]@Comedycook I was thinking gold in sarcasm but based on the responses, maybe I'll have to settle for bronze.[/quote]
You'll be lucky to qualify WinkGrin

RhonaRed · 30/07/2021 20:55

I thought it was quite funny Jackie.🤷

Libraryghost · 30/07/2021 20:59

@Spyro1234

I completely agree. I put my career in the back burner so my children and I could enjoy each other ! I would feel awful working full time.
Are you a full time mummy? Is that on your FB profile? Date of birth with a big heart next to it.. That kind of thing?
frumpety · 30/07/2021 21:00

I don't want to be an Olympian, I couldn't manage it even if I tried really hard and had lots and lots of support, being good at sport isn't what makes me happy. Different things make different people happy, concentrate on what makes you happy and you won't go far wrong in life.

shouldistop · 30/07/2021 21:02

Mothers are wrong whatever we do so just do what works best for your family.

SohoOrigami · 30/07/2021 21:08

She's not a mum who became an Olympian. She's an Olympian who became a mum and then trained hard to go back, which is a rare and incredible achievement.

Perfectly put