To not be inspired by the 'you can have it all' mums

[user6767]

Sorry my title sounds very negative this is not to have a go at other mums. It's come from me hearing a lot about Helen Glover who has done great at the Olympics recently and has 3 children under 3 and also worked as a junior doctor. I have seen quit afew comments about it shows mums you can do anything you want/the you can have it all comments etc.

I am not having a go at Helen Glover she has done amazing! But it's almost like that is the 'ideal'. That mums should all inspire to. I just don't agree. In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much. I work part time as it's a good balance for my situation. But I have often had comments about how I have stalled my career. I quite simply don't care I want that time with my children.

I am not having a go at others mothers nor do I think there is nothing wrong with working full time as a mum. I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

I'm not articulating myself very well and will probably get flamed for this . AIBU?

I'm older again OP and did feel comparatively inadequate reading about the mum of five sporting young adults (including an Olympic gold medal winner) top TV executive who also found time to run the parent body at her kids school.🤷
Many people adult better than me. I've mostly got over this but an occasional case crops up that rubs it in a bit more.😂

It's not an ideal but it's inspirational for women like me that want to be more than a mum, and want to succeed in a career and have a family. I love stories like that. I dont get frustrated by all the yummy mummy stuff on social media and the like so don't see why anyone not pursuing a career has to be frustrated by stories of women doing both, it just sounds a bit insecure.

I agree OP.

Also being an elite athlete is inherently selfish (necessary) but the entire family makes a hell of a lot of sacrifices to make their successes happen. We need to recognise that a woman or man can't climb without others lifting them up (a lovely thing, really, but it always comes with a complex back story).

Thing is you can't have it all, it's just what people chose to sacrifice is different.
There's no doubting Helen Glover has missed moments of her children's lives. There's nothing wrong with this, the other memories they make will more than compensate but it is a fact.
Similarly I'm sure she's missed hundreds of social invitations, nights out etc to get up at the crack of dawn and train.
She can't just eat what she likes, get boozy with her husband or enjoy a Sunday lie in.
She's found a way to make it work, is obviously hugely resilient and it works for her but few of us have that drive or would want the other compromises it comes with, not just for a day or two but as a way of life year after year.
That deserves to be celebrated and it's great to have people showing that you can make different choices but be under no illusions that they are choices without compromise

@Polkadots2021

Also being an elite athlete is inherently selfish (necessary) but the entire family makes a hell of a lot of sacrifices to make their successes happen. We need to recognise that a woman or man can't climb without others lifting them up (a lovely thing, really, but it always comes with a complex back story).

We also need to recognise that our society still tends to admire this ‘selfishness’ in male athletes — and to see their wives picking up the slack as natural — but is far more ambivalent about women prioritising achievement in any field above their offspring, and correspondingly magnifies the sacrifice of their husbands.

Obviously huge congrats to Helen and all she’s achieved.

But yes, for me it is in NO WAY aspirational. It’s not even about time spent with the kids, I’d just be knackered and would have had no where near the amount of time drinking wine with friends, watching Gardeners World, reading the paper, doing Su Doku, walking the dog and playing my instrument as I need to feel relaxed, happy and fulfilled. Literally no part of me would want to trade my life for that of a professional athlete, let alone one with young children, unless it also came with a personality transplant.

Fitsckels so true.
It's the pottering that makes my life fulfilled tbh.
In busy times I feel the frazzle coming on.

HG has a decent base fitness having won golds in 2 past olympic games, so although she has had kids since 2016 she is still very fit!

She also has a fit, active, supportive husband who does his fair share of going away for work.

Maybe the balance is just right for their family and it’s worked

You can't do it all... simply because you can't be in several places at the same time. You can only delegate

That's unrealistic though. You can't just give any human body the same training and produce an athlete. You can hone a human body but you won't get a runner or a thrower or rower at that level out of just anyone.

No one can really have “it all” in the sense it’s sometimes taken. Clearly you can’t have a demanding career and be a stay at home parent and devote all your time to a hobby or fitness or whatever. What everyone can do is find a balance that works well for them and in doing so have everything they need to be happy (possibly even everything they want if very lucky). I have two kids, I have a fulfilling career with a decent salary, I have lots of holidays (well I did pre covid), I have time for some volunteering and hobbies. For me that is a good balance. Husband and I have both consciously chosen not to pursue further promotions or career advancement while kids are small so we can have more time for us as a couple and as a family. It works for us well. Some people would feel like they didn’t get enough family time if they had my life and some people would want to invest more in work or have more time for fitness or hobbies or whatever. It’s good to see women who have kids in the media doing a wide variety of things as it shows people they have options.

Helen is not a doctor. She is a SAHM and has not spent a night away from her kids until the European Championships. She gets a lot of help from her mum as Steve is often away.

@Demilunary

Good site, *@MrsTerryPratchett* — I am definitely in the market for a CAN MEN BE FUNNY?’ tote bag.

OP, your post is deeply moralistic about a woman choosing to be away from her children. I ‘have it all’ in that I am a mother and am successful in a demanding professional career, plus I run marathons. It is perfectly possible. If you don’t want to work FT with children, or pursue sports, then don’t. I don’t mind whether you do or not, even if I personally find it incomprehensible how someone could cease to be interested in their career purely because they’ve had a child. Your choice.

But it’s pretty misogynistic to carp at a mother who is also a sports high-achiever because it makes you feel uncomfortable about your own choices.

This exactly.

The thing is, not one of us can do the “right thing” because it doesn’t exist. You stay at home - dodnt you want to not live off your husband?. You work - your poor children that never see their mother. Your have a social life - you're neglecting your kids. You spend every waking hour with your kids - you’ll spoil them and you need a life.

It ever was thus and is designed to pit women against eachother. Comparison is the thief of joy and you can chose to see it a different way. If Helen Glover makes you feel bad, well, frankly, that’s on you.

Personally, I’d rather choose to see her as inspiring. I may never be able to achieve the things she has but what a woman! And a great role model too.

I don't know this woman's family/life set up. I'd imagine though being able to outsource a lot of domestic drudgery must free up a lot of time

I think you’re mis-reading “you CAN have it all “ for “you SHOULD have it all” - just because someone else manages to balance/achieve something you can’t/don’t want to doesn’t mean they’re saying anyone who doesn’t is a failure.

@Dyrne

“I’m not having a go”

[Insert 3 separate digs about a woman daring to spend some time apart from her children]

I think that's the issue there isn't a way of saying it without sounding like I am calling someone else I'm not.

[quote MrsTerryPratchett]Do yourself a favour and Google Man Who Has It All. It shows the utter nonsense of this. manwhohasitallshop.com/[/quote]
I bought DH a t-shirt from there.
He was thrilled

@GoodVibesHere

If a man had achieved this I don't think the media would make such a huge thing of the home life/kids situation.

What she has done is amazing, but it does feel a little bit like the media are trying to make out that there is 'no excuse' for mums. Like holding her up as an example as if to say 'you can all get fit just weeks after childbirth, if only you make the effort'.

This is what I'm trying to say. You have worded it so much better.

I've 3 kids. I'm never alone. Can't remember being alone. Can't even have a bath let alone have a swim. Sigh...Fair play to Helen Glover.

Need babysitter.

She is able as she has a supportive family, a husband who is in a career where he can be flexible around filming etc, they are clearly quite well off which allows her to take time off work. Yet she has been amazing to get back to the Olympics. A real family team effort.

To me the star of the show has been Beth Shriever who worked as a TA and had to raise money, crowdfund etc. as women's BMX riders do not get funding. She won gold.

I admire all of these women. Some have it easier than others - but all no doubt give it their all. We are all different, with different priorities. Doesn't mean we love our kids more or less

This reminds me of a couple we are friends with. They had twins and mum was back to working full time a couple of months after they were born. She wfh. DH was telling me all about it saying how amazing it was. So I asked him "who is looking after the twins?". He said that he presumed she was . I said nonsense, you can't work full time and look after twin babies... someone must be looking after them. The mum doesn't have super powers...he was insistent she must have been. What a load of crap...she must have had some form of childcare in place. Nothing wrong with that but I was mightily pissed off at my DHS assumption that she was doing it all.

Personally I think women should do what they want and not have to worry about the judgement but that's an ideal world.

For some reason people feel it's acceptable to comment on other people's family life and their set up whatever that is and whatever they are doing.

I don't know if its because for some people they have a level of insecurity so feel the need to defend themselves or judge others. The one I hate the most is "it's the kids I feel sorry for" or "I could never let strangers raise my child 🙄"

I don't give a toss what someone's family set up is as long as they are happy and their children are happy/content. What works for one doesn't work for another!

My DH works PT and loves it I work FT yet its only me that gets the comments..... I usually reply with isn't his dad a parent too with childcare responsibilities..... They soon get flustered and shut up!

YANBU.

You cannot want to spend as much time with your children as possible alongside working a 50 hour week.

It’s not possible.

I have worked part time since my first son was born (he’s now almost 8) so I could be present in his life, and I have a four year old son too.

I’ve recently got a new job which will mean increasing my hours and I’m already dreading the thought of seeing my children less.

Work and children.....in some ways, one always has to suffer for the sake of the other.

@Mum21031608

YANBU.

You cannot want to spend as much time with your children as possible alongside working a 50 hour week.

It’s not possible.

I have worked part time since my first son was born (he’s now almost 8) so I could be present in his life, and I have a four year old son too.

I’ve recently got a new job which will mean increasing my hours and I’m already dreading the thought of seeing my children less.

Work and children.....in some ways, one always has to suffer for the sake of the other.

where did the 50hr week come from? I'd be surprised if she trained more than about four hours a day. I know most professional runners do about that.