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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be inspired by the 'you can have it all' mums

166 replies

user6767 · 30/07/2021 15:29

Sorry my title sounds very negative this is not to have a go at other mums. It's come from me hearing a lot about Helen Glover who has done great at the Olympics recently and has 3 children under 3 and also worked as a junior doctor. I have seen quit afew comments about it shows mums you can do anything you want/the you can have it all comments etc.

I am not having a go at Helen Glover she has done amazing! But it's almost like that is the 'ideal'. That mums should all inspire to. I just don't agree. In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much. I work part time as it's a good balance for my situation. But I have often had comments about how I have stalled my career. I quite simply don't care I want that time with my children.

I am not having a go at others mothers nor do I think there is nothing wrong with working full time as a mum. I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

I'm not articulating myself very well and will probably get flamed for this Blush. AIBU?

OP posts:
oblada · 30/07/2021 21:15

I see your point OP. Effectively there is a suggestion from society that having it all means having a big career and young children whereas for some it could mean working part time when the children are young, for some it may mean the ability not to work at all in a paid position for a while or longer etc everyone's version of having it all is different. I definitely wouldn't want to be Helen Glover. I want time with my kids but i also want a rewarding career, a happy marriage, a nice home and a quiet enough life. So far i don't think I'm doing too bad a job at getting it 'all'. Ultimately we all need to consider what we need to do to be happy. Surely thats the only real aim in life.

Paperplain · 30/07/2021 21:21

@JackieCollinshasnoauthority

I agree. If I was willing to spend time apart from my children I would definitely be an Olympian by now but I guess I just care more about my kids.
I got the irony and giggled at this! Shame no-one else did!
Paperplain · 30/07/2021 21:24

Do we know how many kids the male Olympians have and their ages?

Gosh. Imagine all those men with children having to train hard just to be seen to have it all and set an example for those part time or stay at home dads. So good to have good male role models though don't you think, to show all those other men how it's done.

TheDevils · 30/07/2021 21:30

Mothers are wrong whatever we do so just do what works best for your family.

Yep. You never hear people having these conversations about men.

Minesnotahighhorse · 30/07/2021 21:33

The phrase ‘Having it All’ can just get in the bin. I absolutely can’t stand the way it is applied only to women (see ‘Man who has it all’ referenced up thread😆).

I have a very senior job and two primary aged children. I work 4 days a week and DH also works 4 days a week in a less senior but more specialist job in a similar industry. Neither of our jobs are deemed more important than the other even though I am the higher earner.

We have no family help (live too far away) and DC went to a lovely nursery attached to their primary school 3 days a week from the age of one (I took 12 months mat leave both times and it did not damage my career). They now go to after school club for 2 hours 3 afternoons a week which they love. We have a cleaner for a few hours every two weeks but otherwise don’t ‘outsource’ any life tasks.

I don’t ‘have it all’, I just have my life, which works for me and my family. The implication that every woman who has a meaningful career works 50 hours a week and never sees her kids or has a houseful
of nannies or family on tap for childcare is really frustrating. There is a middle ground, and I find i see it most often when the father of the kids doesn’t automatically assume that his job is the most important and therefore can not be flexible in any way.

2kool4skool · 30/07/2021 22:23

Do we know how many kids the male Olympians have and their ages?

Gosh. Imagine all those men with children having to train hard just to be seen to have it all and set an example for those part time or stay at home dads. So good to have good male role models though don't you think, to show all those other men how it's done.

THIS

Demilunary · 30/07/2021 22:28

@Minesnotahighhorse

The phrase ‘Having it All’ can just get in the bin. I absolutely can’t stand the way it is applied only to women (see ‘Man who has it all’ referenced up thread😆).

I have a very senior job and two primary aged children. I work 4 days a week and DH also works 4 days a week in a less senior but more specialist job in a similar industry. Neither of our jobs are deemed more important than the other even though I am the higher earner.

We have no family help (live too far away) and DC went to a lovely nursery attached to their primary school 3 days a week from the age of one (I took 12 months mat leave both times and it did not damage my career). They now go to after school club for 2 hours 3 afternoons a week which they love. We have a cleaner for a few hours every two weeks but otherwise don’t ‘outsource’ any life tasks.

I don’t ‘have it all’, I just have my life, which works for me and my family. The implication that every woman who has a meaningful career works 50 hours a week and never sees her kids or has a houseful
of nannies or family on tap for childcare is really frustrating. There is a middle ground, and I find i see it most often when the father of the kids doesn’t automatically assume that his job is the most important and therefore can not be flexible in any way.

Well said, @Minesnotahighhorse, particularly your last sentence. That’s how we handle stuff in our house, too.
notapanday · 30/07/2021 22:43

I don’t ‘have it all’, I just have my life, which works for me and my family. The implication that every woman who has a meaningful career works 50 hours a week and never sees her kids or has a houseful of nannies or family on tap for childcare is really frustrating There is a middle ground, and I find i see it most often when the father of the kids doesn’t automatically assume that his job is the most important and therefore can not be flexible in any way.

Completely agree. In the real world most people I know including myself are as above & the DHs do their share of pick ups etc.

FTEngineerM · 30/07/2021 22:51

@2kool4skool

Do we know how many kids the male Olympians have and their ages?

Gosh. Imagine all those men with children having to train hard just to be seen to have it all and set an example for those part time or stay at home dads. So good to have good male role models though don't you think, to show all those other men how it's done.

THIS

I don’t think it quite works that way around?

The cost to a mans body to ‘have children’ is just a shag, usually.

The cost to a woman’s can be huge, and long lasting.

lazylump72 · 30/07/2021 23:01

Taken me 50 years to learn this properly and understand it in depth but no woman whoever they are can have it all. For each and everyone of us there is a compromise we are forced to make one way or another. To be fair I don;t want it all but I wish that if I did there would be a chance I could but there isn;t life gets in the way! Having said that I don;t think men can have it all either its a fallacy sold to us.

Pipsquiggle · 30/07/2021 23:06

From my experience, women 'who have it all' - amazing career in whichever field they are in and have well adjusted children - have usually had that big promotion, that big job offer before they have started parenthood.

This means that these women have effectively had to 'peak' and got rewarded maybe 5 to 10 years before their male peers. Something that men don't really have to think about - the tick tock of their fertility gradually declining.

When these women get these jobs, that they thoroughly deserve, they often have the fiscal package that they can have wrap around child care (nannies not a nursery) or their partner can be the SAHP.

I think Helen Glover's journey is exceptional and typical of a few women who have 'amazing careers' - unfortunately it is very rare for most women

Zorinindustries · 30/07/2021 23:21

'Having it all' isn't always great. Imagine the AIBU from her partner;

"DW has a big job, long hours, and we have 3 dc under 3. I do all the childcare and housework cos she works so hard. AIBU to expect her to spend some time with us in the evenings and weekends? She just goes out and spends all her spare time on her hobby. (It's expensive and time consuming. ) When do I get some 'me time?'"

The poster would get all the sympathy, be told thier partner was BU, that she should stop the hobby, take part more in family life and support the OP.

It sounds like this Helen Glover is possibly unfair to her family and expects others to arrange their life around her, not something to be admired or inspired by!

notapanday · 30/07/2021 23:26

It sounds like this Helen Glover is possibly unfair to her family and expects others to arrange their life around her, not something to be admired or inspired by!

Bit of a leap & Im not sure competing in the Olympics is equivalent to a hobby.

LittleBearPad · 31/07/2021 00:00

@Zorinindustries

'Having it all' isn't always great. Imagine the AIBU from her partner;

"DW has a big job, long hours, and we have 3 dc under 3. I do all the childcare and housework cos she works so hard. AIBU to expect her to spend some time with us in the evenings and weekends? She just goes out and spends all her spare time on her hobby. (It's expensive and time consuming. ) When do I get some 'me time?'"

The poster would get all the sympathy, be told thier partner was BU, that she should stop the hobby, take part more in family life and support the OP.

It sounds like this Helen Glover is possibly unfair to her family and expects others to arrange their life around her, not something to be admired or inspired by!

She’s not also a doctor. The OP is wrong about that. So there is no big job.
MissTrip82 · 31/07/2021 01:29

I don’t think this woman was trying to inspire you.

I doubt that your choice to work part-time for a short period is the reason you’re neither a doctor nor competing at the Olympics.

And you must be really worried about all the time your husband is spending away from his children. Not to mention the time you spend away from them - there would be plenty of people judging you for working at all.

Snoozer11 · 31/07/2021 01:43

You can only "have it all" in this case if you have a lot of financial support.

And yes, just because you're in the Olympics doesn't mean your hobby stops being a hobby.

TooOldandTired · 31/07/2021 02:04

I'd suggest the op and several of the posters on here go away and read who Helen Glover is and what she has done before posting comments as they clearly don't have a clue. I would also suggest you listen to her interview after her race which was so lovely.
I'm as fat and unfit as they come and of course I feel a bit inadequate compared to HG as I did before she or I had children! I also think she is inspiring for what she did this year. Olympians (whether they are mothers or not) are inspiring, HG is no exception.

TooOldandTired · 31/07/2021 02:06

@Zorinindustries you clearly know fuck all about HG, her family or what she has achieved.

PlasticEgg · 31/07/2021 02:11

Well you can't physically work and parent at the same time. The last two years have shown that at least. So you do one or the other at any one point in time, to whatever balance you can personally tolerate.

Is that having it all? Doesn't sound so great tbh.

Paperplain · 31/07/2021 02:25

@PlasticEgg

Well you can't physically work and parent at the same time. The last two years have shown that at least. So you do one or the other at any one point in time, to whatever balance you can personally tolerate.

Is that having it all? Doesn't sound so great tbh.

Why is it always aimed at women having it all? And not men?
PlasticEgg · 31/07/2021 02:35

Patriarchy ofc.

Men already have it all. No conversation point there.

HorriderHenry · 31/07/2021 02:37

Helen Glover, as an Olympian who became a mum, got tempted by the rowing machine during lockdown. Is someone who prioritised exercise soon after her first birth. Who (in the way that fitter people than I understand) gets the endorphin pick up from exercise and makes time for that (whereas I make time for sleep). But part of her achievement is precisely because she did it around being a Mum; the children came first and working around their schedules is what happened. In the documentary on her last week, she is interrupting training to feed her babies, and training around naps. That is not the way Olympians usually train.

Anyway, by far her most heroic achievement is 3 under 2, with a husband who frequently works away!

Zorinindustries · 31/07/2021 07:36

TooOldandTired, no I don't, you are right.

I was commenting on the question of can you 'have it all' as the OP asked, not on this woman in particular.

And if a man was to work long hours, do a hobby to the extent that they get so good to compete in the Olympics and have 3 dc under 3, there would most likely be a woman behind him being rather fed up that she has been left with all the 'wifework.'
And the busy parent would barely have time for thier family, which isn't a great life.

So 'Having it all' isn't all its cracked up to be.

However I won't comment on Helen Glover as I've never heard of her and it turns out that apparently she isn't even a doctor at all, I'm just commenting on the principal.

Annoy · 31/07/2021 08:28

@Zorinindustries

'Having it all' isn't always great. Imagine the AIBU from her partner;

"DW has a big job, long hours, and we have 3 dc under 3. I do all the childcare and housework cos she works so hard. AIBU to expect her to spend some time with us in the evenings and weekends? She just goes out and spends all her spare time on her hobby. (It's expensive and time consuming. ) When do I get some 'me time?'"

The poster would get all the sympathy, be told thier partner was BU, that she should stop the hobby, take part more in family life and support the OP.

It sounds like this Helen Glover is possibly unfair to her family and expects others to arrange their life around her, not something to be admired or inspired by!

Do you not know who her husbandis?!
Annoy · 31/07/2021 08:31

[quote TooOldandTired]@Zorinindustries you clearly know fuck all about HG, her family or what she has achieved.[/quote]
This