To not be inspired by the 'you can have it all' mums

[user6767]

Sorry my title sounds very negative this is not to have a go at other mums. It's come from me hearing a lot about Helen Glover who has done great at the Olympics recently and has 3 children under 3 and also worked as a junior doctor. I have seen quit afew comments about it shows mums you can do anything you want/the you can have it all comments etc.

I am not having a go at Helen Glover she has done amazing! But it's almost like that is the 'ideal'. That mums should all inspire to. I just don't agree. In order for her to do that she has spent a lot of time away from her children. I quite simply do not want to be away from my children so much. I work part time as it's a good balance for my situation. But I have often had comments about how I have stalled my career. I quite simply don't care I want that time with my children.

I am not having a go at others mothers nor do I think there is nothing wrong with working full time as a mum. I just wish my situation wasn't seen as a negative and that I'm not achieving my full potential.

I'm not articulating myself very well and will probably get flamed for this . AIBU?

where did the 50hr week come from? I'd be surprised if she trained more than about four hours a day. I know most professional runners do about that

Ok but if this hypothetical four hours is true, you need childcare for fours hours then. You can't look after multiple children while doing that. No one can do everything at once

I think she is fantastic. Good on her for achieving so much. We should been aspiring for our daughters to have everything they want!

where did the 50hr week come from?

I wasn’t referring to her specifically.

I was talking about mothers/fathers in general......that it’s impossible to have it all in situations where one works 50 hours a week (as a random example) because time with their children is sacrificed for that. And vice versa.

Have you seen the documentary on iplayer? She explains how she gets up to train while the kids are still in bed, and again in their naptime.

Just do you, I feel this pressure to but it’s best to do a 360 and wonder if their version of being content is your own.

For example you’d have to be very adaptable to networking in some areas of success but that would burn me out as it does not fit with my personality. Best to just say ‘good for them’ and look at what you are happy with in your own life and take parts you admire which you can apply to yourself.

I was talking about mothers/fathers in general......that it’s impossible to have it all in situations where one works 50 hours a week (as a random example) because time with their children is sacrificed for that. And vice versa.

Which is why I think my flexible, WFH, 37 hour a week senior management role is a really good balance. Whenever people want to say "you can't have it all" they always dramatise the working parent, as if the only way to have a successful is career is to work 50 hours a week.

@Twokitstwokats

Have you seen the documentary on iplayer? She explains how she gets up to train while the kids are still in bed, and again in their naptime.

Fair enough and good for her. When my DC napped I used that time to catch up on housework!

This article is quite balanced. She basically sacrificed the first half of the year to be at the Olympics - www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/sport/2021/jul/29/no-fairytale-finish-but-helen-glover-focuses-on-reward-of-giving-her-all

Userchange - Yours sounds like my ideal have it all envy - but maybe not for those that like to work alongside others, work one to one in a people facing role.

Totally agree OP. It’s hard enough to be a mum and now we have a media narrative that we should all be able to be Olympic athletes. As if there wasn’t enough pressure on us. Having it all is bollocks. You can have it all (maybe, I’m not even sure I believe that actually) just not at the same time. Anyone who ‘has it all’ either has a ridiculously flexible job, incredible childcare or is sacrificing a vast amount of sleep.

It's self-evident to me that being an Olympian in any sport requires enormous sacrifice / moulding your own and perhaps your family's life around training and competitions. I'm not a sportsperson in the slightest but I'm delighted for everyone (of both sexes) who's won a medal or "just" had the chance to represent their country.

But I'm not sure that inspires me tbh. In much the same way that seeing friends who live their lives/allocate their resources very differently from me doesn't inspire me. Sometime they pique my interest or curiosity, but for the most part I feel like there are so many ways to live one's life, and so many different individual and family circumstances going on in the background, that there's no point getting out the cat o' nine tails because someone else has won an Olympic medal after having three kids or (more prosaically) spent the summer crafting with their children, or earning ££££ running a multi-national, or whatever else.

And this:

We also need to recognise that our society still tends to admire this ‘selfishness’ in male athletes — and to see their wives picking up the slack as natural — but is far more ambivalent about women prioritising achievement in any field above their offspring, and correspondingly magnifies the sacrifice of their husbands.

YANBU - and I don't think you're having a go at all Helen Glover, you're just saying that how she's done things in her life can't suit every mum and you don't like it being suggested that every mum can do what she did. And it is annoying when someone is held up (and it's not their fault) as though 'anyone could do this', just the same as when you get 'This family lives on 3p a week and uses vouchers and special offers to buy everything'. I mean, one can do that, but it's one hell of a lot of work.

The thing is... Someone has to do all the jobs associated with caring for children. If you are highly successful in your career, male or female it just means you're paying someone else to do it... And for many of this I'm not sure this is always aspirational. I want to (as does DH) care for my child. I don't want to miss all those little moments. I have taken a big career stagnation as I care for my son who had additional needs, but I wouldn't choose it another way. So... No im not hugely inspired by these stories because it's not the way I would want to parent.

I think people are really misinterpreting the PR about Helen Glover and why people find her inspiring. It's not 'mums can be Olympians too', which one PP has stated. It's more like 'Olympians can be mums too'.

She's not a mum who became an Olympian. She's an Olympian who became a mum and then trained hard to go back, which is a rare and incredible achievement.

Someone has to do all the jobs associated with caring for children. If you are highly successful in your career, male or female it just means you're paying someone else to do it

Yes exactly

Having it all = doing it all.

No thanks

@BIoodyStupidJohnson Have a look at the Man who has it all Facebook page too

Look if she wants to get up at 4am and train before the kids get up, it’s great. Celebrate it.

If you don’t want to do that, it’s also great. Celebrate it.

If we all got up at 4am and trained there would have been a lot more competition.

We all like and do different things.

I mean, she's literally an Olympian. I'm the same age as Helen Glover, and I've always loved her. But she was doing crazy shit that I am not capable of before either of us had any children!

I agree with you in as much as I hate it when people take someone absolutely exceptional as an example of "what you could do if you really tried".

(also, they had an extreme personal tragedy when they lost a twin at 6 months gestation. And now they actually also do have twins, but this must be almost more heartbreaking every single time she sees her little boy who should have a twin but doesn't. And I bet she would trade all her medals in a heartbeat to have that child)

@ZombieEthel

I think people are really misinterpreting the PR about Helen Glover and why people find her inspiring. It's not 'mums can be Olympians too', which one PP has stated. It's more like 'Olympians can be mums too'.

She's not a mum who became an Olympian. She's an Olympian who became a mum and then trained hard to go back, which is a rare and incredible achievement.

Yes, you've explained it much better than me!

@Mum21031608

YANBU.

You cannot want to spend as much time with your children as possible alongside working a 50 hour week.

It’s not possible.

I have worked part time since my first son was born (he’s now almost 8) so I could be present in his life, and I have a four year old son too.

I’ve recently got a new job which will mean increasing my hours and I’m already dreading the thought of seeing my children less.

Work and children.....in some ways, one always has to suffer for the sake of the other.

You don’t know how it’s possible because you’re too busy judging you’ve never done it.

I’ve worked 50 hours this week. I’ve been present at every bath time, bedtime, dinner time , chill out time and whatever happens in the evenings and early mornings. I get a whole weekend with them this weekend. To myself too as DH is working. I take annual leave spaced evenly through the year so we enjoy a lot of time without me working too. I’d love to hear what I’m missing out on.

Oh and I’ve also done my 50% of cleaning, washing and cooking

I don’t care care what you do. It doesn’t interest me so why you feel you can make judgmental comments about people that chose a different lifestyle I don’t know. Stop letting other people’s way of living bother you so much.

I read thread on these boards all the time from women who have several babies/toddlers and are on their knees with exhaustion just doing the basics. This woman either has a lot of help or she's made of strong stuff...or perhaps a combination of both.

No-one can have it all; some are more driven or focused, more talented, can achieve more in less time, have more support, etc. But ultimately, there's only so many hours in the day and we all have to compromise and prioritise. We may all compromise and prioritise differently, but we all do it. What's important is to do what's right for you, which will be different to what some others do.

Most these women I know have very involved grandparents but not just that - fortunate to have ones which do not overstep boundaries. Even if it’s one set, it’s a massive help as that cuts out money issues to pay for childcare but also tension, emergencies even diy and trust issues if you get along with the Grandparent and aren’t undermined.
This can be from just one set, not always both, to make a big difference.

Not saying this is always the case but for the majority there’s always a helpful and hands on Grandparent involved.

@Langy654321

Most these women I know have very involved grandparents but not just that - fortunate to have ones which do not overstep boundaries. Even if it’s one set, it’s a massive help as that cuts out money issues to pay for childcare but also tension, emergencies even diy and trust issues if you get along with the Grandparent and aren’t undermined. This can be from just one set, not always both, to make a big difference.

Not saying this is always the case but for the majority there’s always a helpful and hands on Grandparent involved.

Yes I agree. We have one set that are very helpful as are my siblings. Plus I have a good DH that does his fair share of everything and takes half of the mental load. I think that is very underestimated here.