to ask how you deal with foreign names?

[pocpocpoc]

I am going through a bit of soul searching and just trying to understand...

I have a foreign name, which is very short and pretty meaningful to me (I guess all names are meaningful to their owners). I've been with my English DH for over 20 years and no one in his family can get my name right.

Imagine my name was Bjork. The Christmas cards would say: Bork, Biork, Bok, Barca, Orca, Karma, Beth, some random Icelandic-sounding words. Not Bjork. To make it worse, same people use different spellings at different times.

My name is not Bjork, but it is only five letters. It is very easy to check on FB, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, even google. Obviously, I always sign with my correct name when I message them.

To prevent potential lines of questioning, I don't know any of them to be dyslexic, most of them are at least degree educated, most of them work in the types of organisations, where unconscious bias training is compulsory. Many speak foreign (European) languages, they have European cousins and most are reasonably well-travelled. Also, I have observed the family taking spellings very seriously when it comes to Western names. For instance, when DS was born and we gave him a Western name, there was a lot of interest in what specific spelling we would use for him.

We challenged a couple of friendlier relatives. One said that they just find it very very difficult to 'comprehend' my name, because it is so foreign and exotic and just 'doesn't roll off the tongue'. Another one said it was DH's fault for not teaching my name to them properly - DH tried in earlier years and then gave up. Apparently, they didn't realise I took it so personally. Recently, I messaged back a person who yet again got my name wrong giving them the right spelling- I received no response.

Can someone please give me an insight? What do you think is going on? Do you find foreign names difficult? Is it a huge drag to check and potentially copy a spelling of a foreign name? Would you just use a random combination of letters or random foreign-sounding words to address someone?

I want to understand before I judge.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

For me, I just don't understand how after so many years no one knows. I'm assuming you have a way to spell your name in English that you are happy with?

Do you have Facebook? How is it spelt on there? What about when you sign a card? Or your husband? If he was texting a family member saying 'X and I are coming over' what spelling does he use?

It can't be difficult to just to copy that? After all those years, you'd think they would have worked it out by now!! It's so very rude.

People spell my name wrong all the time. I especially love it when they do it on Facebook, or whatever, and my name is right there.

I think names are important. And I cringe hard when I accidentally spell a name wrong. And often avoid using a persons name if ive just met them as I'm always doubting myself.

Me and a friend often just put the first letter of a name eg, 'K is going to football later. Does J want to come?' Couldn't they even just do that if they are not sure?!

I have a French name but it is very very common in English (think Marie), people spell it incorrectly a lot, including at Christmas my father. My husband has a short very traditional English name and whilst it's rarely spelled incorrectly he's often given a nickname he doesn't want and they are given all manner of spellings, think James Jamie Jamee Jaime Jimmy Jimy and so on

People just struggle with names and aren't very good at taking the time to check. I don't have a foreign or difficult name but still have this all the time. It just makes me more aware of other people's names but I don't think it is worth getting upset about.

@SmokedPaprikaHotChilliPowder Yes. They even spell my name incorrectly commenting in FB under my posts. And when emailing me on my address which is my name and my surname.

[quote pocpocpoc]@slipperssausage
Imagine he was Indian and people called him Garam Massala instead.[/quote]
Actually I think if he was Indian and his name was Garam, he might definitely find people calling him Graham. And if he was was English and his name was Graham, Indian people might call him Garam. I think that's natural. Most people hear a name and try to find something recognisable to match it with.

I remember when I first started teaching Poles, they used to write fistable a lot in their essays. I couldn't understand what they were talking about. They'd heard people use it a lot so wrote what they heard. They'd actually heard: first of all.

I occasionally work with some people on Greenland. Now there are some names that are a real mouthful. And I guess no one really pronounces half of my family’s names actually correctly because the sounds of some just don’t exist on other languages. In one case, a cousin has to be very careful about the pronunciation of her name because it can sound like the n-word (not brilliant, especially since she moved to the US). Still, poor little ‘Farty’ got off lightly I guess...

@TableFlowerss

My kids name is a relatively common name but there are several spellings of it. My own dad can’t get it right…..

I've had classes where there are a number of pupils with the 'same' name on paper but pronounce it differently, eg I once had three different Saras.

[quote pocpocpoc]@SmokedPaprikaHotChilliPowder Yes. They even spell my name incorrectly commenting in FB under my posts. And when emailing me on my address which is my name and my surname.[/quote]
Well it's even more ridiculous then. It's right in front of them. You know, I don't automatically know how to spell every name in the world. Sometimes I have to check. And then like any other name, or word even! I learn to spell it. They are arseholes.

I'd understand the misspellings from people at work or Starbucks. But from your own extended family is pretty darn rude.

Arent you the OP from the thread about blondeness and how the fact that your MIL has "a thing" about blondes must mean shes a racist?

All your threads seem to be about finding offence. Racism exists and should be called out. But people screwing up your name because it has unusual letter combinations or pronunciation for that country isnt racist. When I lived in Switzerland people were constantly fucking up.my name as it contains sounds that dont exist in French.

I think you're looking to be offended. Sorry.

As a dyslexic I really struggle so go for the family memberI can spell and everyone. You over thinking

And family...not everyone

My partner's name is John.

Spelt JOHN.

His own mother forgets the H and writes his name Jon.

He couldn't care less but I find it slightly irritating.

By the sounds of it it looks like you’re just going to have to accept this quirk of your husbands family. They mustn’t take the spelling of someone’s name as seriously as you do and from what you say it seems like they’re not trying to upset you on purpose

Fuck that noise. It's incredibly ignorant after 20 years not to be able to write someone's name correctly. It's not a quirk, not in the slightest.

YANBU
I think this is really lazy and disrespectful of them, you have been family for 20 years and still they haven’t made the effort to learn how to spell your name. They should be ashamed of themselves.
I have a friend whom I’ve known for 15 years, we studied together, then later were colleagues. She always added an extra letter into my name, for example ‘Clarne’ instead of ‘Clare’ (not my real name) I told her the correct spelling once but she persisted in doing it. I decided one day to do the same with her name to see how she liked it. The very next day my name was spelt correctly, and always was from then on. Some people are just lazy and rude and don’t realise how it come across until they experience it themselves. I’m not suggesting you do this though, it was quite childish of me really!

YANBU OP, but I'm not sure it's anything to do with having a foreign name and I don't understand why people do it.

I meet lots of people for work and I'll walk in and say 'Julia Smythe, that's S M Y T H E to see Mr Jones' and they'll phone Mr Jones and say 'Julie Smith is here to see you' mangling both names that they heard not 5 seconds ago and spelling it incorrectly when they write out my name badge.

And these are people who do this as a job so have had lots of practice.

FFS people, read OP’s posts. The in laws are obviously racist, not just “lazy”. They’re doing it deliberately and have been deliberately insulting her amongst other racist incidents over the years.

90% of the posts on this thread are minimizing the obvious racism here. That also makes you complicit in this shit. When people who are targets or victims of racism tell you it’s racist, believe them. Otherwise you’re just upholding the racist bullshit system by excusing these perpetrators as well.

I feel your pain.
My first name is unusual but is phonetic, only five letters. There's no other way to spell it. It's very simple. I cannot recall how many, many times I've had to spell it or say how it's pronounced. It's very easily pronounced by any child yet adults falter over it.
My bugbear was my maiden name which is Eastern European.
I get that some Eastern European names are tricky.
Mine was not. It was phonetic.

I was so happy to be married to my husband, particularly as his name was just one syllable, and very simple. I was so glad to not have to spell my name anymore.

You've guessed it... I still have to spell my one syllable name to this day.
People can't even pronounce it! It's one syllable! With just five letters.

Laziness.

I have an Italian surname. I think it is easily pronounceable but some people panic because it's 'forin' and usually get the syllables in the wrong order. I didn't change my name when I married my English husband, but his family completely ignored this and addressed things to Mr and Mrs DH's surname.

I am also pissed off at the way some people pronounce my first name. It is Italian but also a perfectly normal 1960s English name- think 'sexy secretary'. I am from Manchester, where people pronounce the vowel sounds correctly (although the 'r' is pronounced according to English norms) but people down south pronounce it in a way that is NOT MY NAME.

@Couchbettato

Watch this. This is very poignant.

If people respect you they should learn how to say and spell your bloody name.

Great video

Even cards to me would be addressed 'Mrs DH Surname' instead of 'Ms Italian surname' even though we informed everyone about this before the wedding. Just rude.

I’m sorry OP this must be hurtful and annoying. I’m from the uk and have to admit to having had difficulty pronouncing one particularly long name of a student when I was teaching- but then a colleague who also had a long multi syllable name sort of rolled their eyes at me, and it made me realise I was being pathetic and had to practice it until I could say it properly. I hadn’t realised until the colleagues reaction how offensive it was, and how infuriating it must be. Was an eye opener and I do feel bad at my sheltered bafflement trying to pronounce a new multi syllable name and how quickly I had sort of given up- it was lazy and not cool.
That experience makes me feel it is laziness/not caring on the part of these people. It can be difficult to learn names from different cultures but they obviously know you and should be making the effort. It doesn’t sound accidental to me unfortunately. Not sure what the solution is- but you’re well within your rights to be fed up with this.

You've been around xenophobic arseholes. Decent people do not find "different" names any trouble at all, infact they respect that it's a part of who you are. It's not anything to point out in a negative way at all..... because it is a part of our world, our overlapping and merging cultures than run deeper than a handful of generations. If people keep doing this it's because they want you to feel like the "other". I'd stay away from them. It's difficult, I know.... But giving people like this the time of day is only playing into their sad little internalised game of racism..

If they're so particular on spelling, I'd be deliberately spelling their names wrong too, particularly with the less "classy" version. If anyone comments I'd just say I thought we didn't care about spelling as after 20 years I'm still being called sushi, john etc

Right sorry, I have read all of OP’s posts, I didn’t when I first replied, I just read the initial post, my bad.

Your DH’s family are definitely racist fuckwits OP, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with their bullshit all these years. Fuck them.