to ask how you deal with foreign names?

[pocpocpoc]

I am going through a bit of soul searching and just trying to understand...

I have a foreign name, which is very short and pretty meaningful to me (I guess all names are meaningful to their owners). I've been with my English DH for over 20 years and no one in his family can get my name right.

Imagine my name was Bjork. The Christmas cards would say: Bork, Biork, Bok, Barca, Orca, Karma, Beth, some random Icelandic-sounding words. Not Bjork. To make it worse, same people use different spellings at different times.

My name is not Bjork, but it is only five letters. It is very easy to check on FB, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, even google. Obviously, I always sign with my correct name when I message them.

To prevent potential lines of questioning, I don't know any of them to be dyslexic, most of them are at least degree educated, most of them work in the types of organisations, where unconscious bias training is compulsory. Many speak foreign (European) languages, they have European cousins and most are reasonably well-travelled. Also, I have observed the family taking spellings very seriously when it comes to Western names. For instance, when DS was born and we gave him a Western name, there was a lot of interest in what specific spelling we would use for him.

We challenged a couple of friendlier relatives. One said that they just find it very very difficult to 'comprehend' my name, because it is so foreign and exotic and just 'doesn't roll off the tongue'. Another one said it was DH's fault for not teaching my name to them properly - DH tried in earlier years and then gave up. Apparently, they didn't realise I took it so personally. Recently, I messaged back a person who yet again got my name wrong giving them the right spelling- I received no response.

Can someone please give me an insight? What do you think is going on? Do you find foreign names difficult? Is it a huge drag to check and potentially copy a spelling of a foreign name? Would you just use a random combination of letters or random foreign-sounding words to address someone?

I want to understand before I judge.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

It was bound to happen get over it.

They just sound rude to be honest.
If you've known them over 20 years and they're still doing it they're probably taking the piss ?

Yanbu

They are rude and the inconsiderate. To have carried this on for years despite you being married into their family is bullshit.

They should check with your husband and keep a note of it in their phone/address book.
That’s how I keep track of my in laws millions of cousins names and spellings.

It’s not that hard not to be a selfish twat

So much white privilege on this post, makes it painful to read.

OP, it’s rude. I would pull them up on it, each time

After 20 years I do think this is beyond rude behaviour. Sadly I agree your in-laws & family are rascist

The answer is I DON’T KNOW why this happens but it happens to me even on messenger when my name is at the top of the page. Last time it happened I pointed it out (family member who has known me for half a century) and was told I was being pedantic . As though it was utterly unreasonable for me to expect them to use the five letters that spell my name.

@User5827372728

So much white privilege on this post, makes it painful to read.

OP, it’s rude. I would pull them up on it, each time

I'm not sure it's white privilege more British people once again thinking English is the only language that matters

Some people just don't check. I don't think it's on purpose but it's not the best form. My brother called my dc something along the lines of Sam instead of Sarah. Bet he was proud as he got the S right that's for an English name!
My name which is easily spelt foreign name is always being spelt wrong too. We used to have a joke at my work place back in ancient time when we used fax machines about what version of my name would come through from clients as some of the spellings were actually very funny.

But your op complained they were spelling it wrong, and now you say you don't mind it spelt wrong.

I have a very common 5 letter name yet my ex boss never once called me by my correct name instead called me another name that started with the same letter. I am my colleagues ended up just ignoring it, as when pointed out he always apologised then continued to call me by the wrong name. I didn't let it upset me.

My name can be spelt two ways and I hate it when it's spelt wrong!
I feel your pain, but unfortunately there isn't much you can do apart from just picking people up on it. Spelling in general is bad across the board these days , but it's not good when it's your own name :(

I have a foreign surname and could not give a shit if other people get it wrong, I don't find it offensive in the slightest.

I would think the culprits were really thick. Lots of people struggle with spelling names, but to repeatedly spell a family member’s name incorrectly is pretty disrespectful.

If you had to return a card to Sue and Dave, you could write: Dear Soou and Daiv and see what they say.

Very rude. If I can't pronounce the name of anyone I meet for whatever reason, I ask them how to pronounce it. Occasionally, I might forget. In which case, I apologise and ask a second time.

I can't imagine not bothering to learn how to pronounce a family member's name correctly.

Watch this. This is very poignant.

If people respect you they should learn how to say and spell your bloody name.

I used to teach EFL so all my students were from overseas. Mine is an English name that doesn't exist outside English speaking countries. And none of them, none, and I taught hundreds of students, ever said my name correctly. And as a consequence none spelled it correctly either. Because most people write as they speak. Also, people try and connect an unfamiliar name with a name they already know,and sometimes that link is difficult to break.

It never really bothered me. They weren't doing it to be rude - I had the most fantastic students. If, however, they had been doing it to be rude, I would definitely have been upset. So I guess it depends whether the people you have problems with are normally nice to you or not.

I have a bog standard easily spelled English name which is on the signature of all my work emails and people still spell it wrong , I don't care if people think you should 'get over it' it's disrespectful that people can't even bother to even try and correct it .

I deal with dozens emails everyday from all over the world and even if I just copy and paste from the clients signature I make sure it is spelt correctly.
OP your In laws and family are disrespectful, dicks

@User5827372728

So much white privilege on this post, makes it painful to read.

OP, it’s rude. I would pull them up on it, each time

Errrm. I am white and people of all colour are fucking up my name. I don't think it's particularly skin tone related. It's more "I couldn't possibly learn another langue haha, but I tried to dabble in french at GCSE level. So your name is just toooo haaaard" thing....

@User5827372728

So much white privilege on this post, makes it painful to read.

OP, it’s rude. I would pull them up on it, each time

Imagine the outrage the other way around:

"I don't think I can be bothered to learn the name Sarah so I'll just call you Yorkshire pudding instead. Even though you aren't from England and have never even set foot in Yorkshire. You lot all look alike to me anyway, Crumpets., can't bloody tell you apart, so don't expect me to learn your weird foreign name after twenty whole years of being married to my son/brother, Steven "

I've got a normal English name with two alternative typical spellings, I have it spelt all kinds of ways, I don't mean the alternative spelling either. Some people just are slapdash with the spelling of names

The wirst is that it can cause issues. I was knce fuckex because I didn't have valid proof of address because that 1 bill I had had misspelled name and no one would accept it! It too the comlany fucking for ever to change it. Need a bank account? Soz love, not our problem.

My dh name is Graeme. Everyone spells it Graham. He has to literally spell his name out every time he's asked for it for things like form filling or data checking. He hates it but I don't think it's racism. More that people see a name and make it up or assume rather than check.
One birthday he got a card that read dear graeham so at least sometimes people try

@slipperssausage
Imagine he was Indian and people called him Garam Massala instead.

He gets called grey ham?!

There’s no excuse for it all but if it makes you feel any better I have an extremely easy name that can be spelt two different ways and people constantly write the wrong spelling even when replying to an email where my name is literally in my email address and at the bottom of the email

I have the same issue (tbf my name is longer) but it takes a minute to google/go on Facebook. It is very annoying and when DHs dad consistently said it wrong for a good 7 years I just wouldn't respond to him when he was calling me 😆

They are lazy, maybe not nasty but a bit ignorant !