To tell off someone else's child?

[Wingingit573]

There's a little boy at my daughter's playgroup who is 3 years old, My daughter is 17months.

He's obviously going through a phase of hitting, 3 weeks in a row he's hit my daughter and other children in the face with toys that are quite heavy.

His mum does absolutely nothing and just says oh dear in a sing song voice... while sitting on her phone Today I told him no, that wasn't kind and he can't be hitting other children after he hit my daughter around the head with a scuttlebug.

His mum picked up on the fact that I'd told him no and was absolutely livid.
I wouldn't like to overstep and I know that all kids and probably my own will go through this phase.

Was I wrong to tell him no? I can just see his behaviour becoming worse and him really hurting another child!

If she comes back next week and her child does it again, tell her if it doesn't stop, you'll hit her with whatever he has been using and see how she likes it.

Perhaps the committee could issue a reminder to parents not supervising their children that they might want to check their home insurance for third party liability cover should an unsupervised child cause injury or damage

Nope he sounds like on of my neighbours. Her horror is 6.5 years old and punches, hits and kicks every kid around here while she stares at her phone of blames the other child for “antagonising him”. Aka antagonising means breathing, looking, being near him, trying to play with him or just being on the street at the same time. She also plays the victim. It’s not behaviour any parent should ignore. If the parent won’t deal with it the victims parents need to step in an protect the child from it. One of incidents can be overlooked but continuous hitting etc can’t be tolerated.

Having read your other posts, you need to talk to the leader too. Her saying it's ok because the child is little is wrong and dangerous. It's understandable but it isn't ok. It needs to be prevented, not just regretted afterwards.

About the mum, do you think she feels left out here? You have parents from the committee looking after each section. You must all know each other. Does it feel very 'in crowd vs the others'?

Does the active management by the committee parents also give the impression that, in spirit rather than letter, this is a staffed playgroup that people can drop kids off at and leave for the active, involved types to look after?

I think someone other than you needs to talk to this mum on arrival next time, get her more involved, then it will be easier to call her attention to her misbehaving child in a casual, friendly, inclusive way. If she's offered to help set up next week, that's perfect.

You did the right thing op. I tell off other people's kids all the time! I'm a beaver leader and it just sort of comes naturally now.

If she doesn't want him told off by someone else then she needs to supervise closely so she sorts out any bad behaviour.

YANBU at all, OP. The mother’s reaction was totally out of order, as she blatantly wasn’t parenting her own DS.

I'm dying to know how notawriter arrived at the conclusion that the op said the child shouldn't be around other kids.

@lottiegarbanzo

Having read your other posts, you need to talk to the leader too. Her saying it's ok because the child is little is wrong and dangerous. It's understandable but it isn't ok. It needs to be prevented, not just regretted afterwards.

About the mum, do you think she feels left out here? You have parents from the committee looking after each section. You must all know each other. Does it feel very 'in crowd vs the others'?

Does the active management by the committee parents also give the impression that, in spirit rather than letter, this is a staffed playgroup that people can drop kids off at and leave for the active, involved types to look after?

I think someone other than you needs to talk to this mum on arrival next time, get her more involved, then it will be easier to call her attention to her misbehaving child in a casual, friendly, inclusive way. If she's offered to help set up next week, that's perfect.

So none of us knew each other prior to group and I wouldn't actually say that we're that pally, I think she maybe does feel this way, But I'm glad she's offered to help next week as this is her maybe trying to get more involved?

It's not a drop off thing, it's in the policy that you are responsible for your child and you are expected to stay for the duration and engage in the group kind of thing.

I think I'll see how it goes next week, I'll maybe try and start up a conversation while we're setting up etc.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I'm dying to know how notawriter arrived at the conclusion that the op said the child shouldn't be around other kids.

I'm really not sure where they got that from 😳 They've pretty much questioned everything I've said so probably just looking for an argument 😂

What do the other parents do when their child is hit by this boy?

Yes, I understand it's not a drop off thing. It might feel a bit like that though, if there are some very involved parents. That other parents have to be present but their participation isn't really needed.

Things can look a lot more cliquey from the outside, than the insiders perceive them to be.

@dapsnotplimsolls

What do the other parents do when their child is hit by this boy?

Usually oh it's okay, he's just little, he'll learn eventually and then they usually take their kid away from him. At least 3 children were abruptly removed from his vicinity today when their mums noticed they were near the wee boy today.

@lottiegarbanzo

Yes, I understand it's not a drop off thing. It might feel a bit like that though, if there are some very involved parents. That other parents have to be present but their participation isn't really needed.

Things can look a lot more cliquey from the outside, than the insiders perceive them to be.

I hope she doesn't view it like this, As I've said I felt like this about other groups and it was horrible, Would you ask her if she feels that way? I wouldn't want to come across us confrontational

Me too. They would often take more notice of someone else telling them off.

Sorry I accidentally put yabu. You have every right to tell her child no for hitting your child, if she is just sitting in her arse doing nothing. I hate parents like this that get annoyed when they here there angels are told no.

@msbevvy

Me too. They would often take more notice of someone else telling them off.

Sorry, quote didn't work. This was in response to a poster who said they would be grateful if someone else told their kids off if they were misbehaving.

Sorry awful spellings on that post!

Chocolate hamper . Good reply!😃

Really you shoukd say “stop” rather than “no” as that directly addresses the undesirable behaviour.

It’s fine. As a nanny I no problems reigning in other children’s behaviour when required.

You're not wrong at all.
If his mum said something to me then I'd have no problem telling her that if she disciplined him then I wouldn't have to

I have a friend who’s DD was/is just like this child. I even spoke to my DC’s nursery teacher about how to handle him when he attacked my DC as his DM/my friend just grinned and ignored the behaviour.

She suggested saying “that wasn’t kind, was it?” Stern face. You aren’t directly telling the child off but you are alerting them to their behaviour and hopefully the parent’s too.

For this play group you should ban mobiles, have signs up saying DC must be supervised at all times, and the committee need to have a clear written plan of behaviour expectations for parents/carers which is also shared with them. They don’t like it they can go elsewhere with their unruly offspring.

And being hit around the head with a Scuttlebug?! That would hurt an adult let alone a toddler! Appalling to ignore that.

Go for it. The mother needs parenting lessons.

This woman needs to be spoken to about supervising her child, and if she gets offended and has a strop who actually cares? She clearly has no respect or concern for the safety for anyone else attending the group so let her take herself elsewhere.

Any child should be able to be reprimanded for poor or anti-social behaviour if the parent doesn’t care.

A scuttlebug isn't exactly a small thing to be whacked with either!... ouch!
I'd have done exactly the same OP at 3 years of age toddlers should know that hitting is not ok
His mother needs to set the kid some serious boundaries otherwise he's gonna be a little shit when he starts school
My DS1 has been getting hit by some kid in nursery and it honestly grinds my gears because his mum just isn't arsed in the slightest, stands outside the school swearing, cig in one hand and her phone in the other 🙄

@Conkergame

YANBU but a parent who can’t be bothered to actually parent their kid probably also won’t take kindly to it. Just ignore or if you’re feeling brave say something like “I wouldn’t have to tell your child off if you actually looked after them”

Yes indeed, I would have told the boy off. Once I would have let it go, but not after the 2nd time. Mother would have gotten a telling off too if she had squared up to me. I speak as someone who had 2 boys who went through various phases of pushing, biting, etc but I watched them like a hawk and intervened before they got to the pushing stage. You don't necessarily have to say no to a hitter but you do need to watch them and steer them away before they do it. However it would be better if she did tell him no for this. He will grow up to be one of those kids no one wants to have a playdate with.