To tell off someone else's child?

[Wingingit573]

There's a little boy at my daughter's playgroup who is 3 years old, My daughter is 17months.

He's obviously going through a phase of hitting, 3 weeks in a row he's hit my daughter and other children in the face with toys that are quite heavy.

His mum does absolutely nothing and just says oh dear in a sing song voice... while sitting on her phone Today I told him no, that wasn't kind and he can't be hitting other children after he hit my daughter around the head with a scuttlebug.

His mum picked up on the fact that I'd told him no and was absolutely livid.
I wouldn't like to overstep and I know that all kids and probably my own will go through this phase.

Was I wrong to tell him no? I can just see his behaviour becoming worse and him really hurting another child!

[Wingingit573]

Well at least now I know I'm not out of line 😂

Can't wait to see what next week brings

[Funkyslippers]

Oh I have no problem whatsoever telling other children off if they're hurting my children as I have many times in the past. You get used to it lol. The same as I would expect the same if my little angels hurt others! I'm sure it won't be the first time for you, sadly

[ChaToilLeam]

It’s interesting how some parents are utterly passive and useless at addressing bad behavior by their kids but get a sudden burst of energy and assertiveness if anyone intervenes. You were quite right, OP. Her kid can’t be allowed to hurt others.

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

Nope, if you’re too lily-livered to say no to your child or enforce any boundaries then you should be open to other people doing it for you.

He hit your child OP. Of course he should be told off. Just a shame it had to be you and not his parent (who clearly doesn’t do a lot of parenting)

[Summersun2020]

Yeah not only would I have told her son off, I’d have given her the bollocking if her life also, made it loudly clear that she’s a lazy parent who needs to control her kid. Stupid cow.

[Youseethethingis]

People can parent how they like, that's their right.
What is not their right is to expect other people to just quietly suck up the results of their shit choices.
You look out for your child no matter what. You can't do much about hers, sadly for him.

[Standrewsschool]

You did the right thing! You’ve got your child to protect.

If it happens again, and the mother retorts, you need to explain to her that hitting us unacceotable.

[Tiana4]

I think her exact words were "Don't you dare speak to my son like that, he's a child" Then she followed it up by taking her child and leaving saying she couldn't believe someone had spoken to him like that and stormed out.

Yanbu
Next time reply, "well supervise your child and intervene when he is hitting other younger children then. We are not here to parent your child because you aren't watching"

I thought we'd maybe not see her again but she has just put a post up in the group saying she'll help tidy up next week 🙄

You said you're in the committee. If she consistently fail to supervise her child and it makes it unsafe for other children, you absolutely should ban her. Tidying up afterwards doesn't absolve her of the need to watch her child.

Childcare nurseries get in trouble with Ofsted for failing to supervise and care plan, if a child is a known regular hitter or biter etc

At play groups parents are expected to supervise their own children

Maybe you should write up your policies to show this - "parents are expected up supervise their children and intervene if their child is hurting others or running/ climbing in unauthorised areas. If parents fail to do ao, they may be asked to leave and if consistently failing to do so, they may be banned from attending the group"

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I don't understand why you haven't taken this 'Mum' to task over her son's behaviour, and her lack of giving a shit Don't take it out on a 3-year old. You need to take it up with her.

[workwoes123]

So none of the committee have pulled the mum up on her lack of interaction / supervision of her child? YANBU to tell him off as you did, but personally I'd be telling her off too! Not publicly, but privately. If there are community-agreed guidelines about behaviour and supervising your own children then you can direct her towards these - and if there aren't maybe you need some?

I used to run a community playgroup, and they really do depend on everyone pulling their weight and abiding by whatever rules have been agreed. Maybe the committee could do a reminder to all members about supervision of children and behaviour? Then it wouldn't be singling her out.

[RedMarauder]

Get your committee to ban the use of mobile phones while at playgroup.

Some of the children's playgroups I've taken my DD along to ban parents from using their mobile phones.

Oh and you did the right thing.

[EssentialHummus]

I'd have done the same. Her DC harming my child + not intervening herself? Totally justified.

[Veggiepotamus]

I would have done the same!

[Wingingit573]

@Tiana4

I think her exact words were "Don't you dare speak to my son like that, he's a child" Then she followed it up by taking her child and leaving saying she couldn't believe someone had spoken to him like that and stormed out.

Yanbu
Next time reply, "well supervise your child and intervene when he is hitting other younger children then. We are not here to parent your child because you aren't watching"

I thought we'd maybe not see her again but she has just put a post up in the group saying she'll help tidy up next week 🙄

You said you're in the committee. If she consistently fail to supervise her child and it makes it unsafe for other children, you absolutely should ban her. Tidying up afterwards doesn't absolve her of the need to watch her child.

Childcare nurseries get in trouble with Ofsted for failing to supervise and care plan, if a child is a known regular hitter or biter etc

At play groups parents are expected to supervise their own children

Maybe you should write up your policies to show this - "parents are expected up supervise their children and intervene if their child is hurting others or running/ climbing in unauthorised areas. If parents fail to do ao, they may be asked to leave and if consistently failing to do so, they may be banned from attending the group"

So it is in the policies, But I think we need to add in that last bit 😬

[eandz13]

I'd have done the same too, if my child hit another I'd tell my child off, and if I didn't notice for some reason I'd thumbs up the other mum for telling my child off too.
She ruined her own day. You did the right thing!

[Wingingit573]

@workwoes123

So none of the committee have pulled the mum up on her lack of interaction / supervision of her child? YANBU to tell him off as you did, but personally I'd be telling her off too! Not publicly, but privately. If there are community-agreed guidelines about behaviour and supervising your own children then you can direct her towards these - and if there aren't maybe you need some?

I used to run a community playgroup, and they really do depend on everyone pulling their weight and abiding by whatever rules have been agreed. Maybe the committee could do a reminder to all members about supervision of children and behaviour? Then it wouldn't be singling her out.

I think this is a good idea, I'll maybe put something together and pop it into the group.

[Sssloou]

You did the right thing.

Don’t worry about her kicking off and flouncing off. That’s the usual standard of inadequate behaviour from that kind of parent. We should never hold back on doing the right thing because someone else will make a scene.

I feel v sorry for her DC - he will be subtly socially excluded all the way through his childhood - as every other parent watches out for behaviour and swerves these types of DC which just exacerbates his social development.

I am interested in the Mum being withdrawn from the group. I am not excusing her behaviour but she may have confidence issues, MH issues, a stressful, challenging and chaotic home life.

If this is a community group maybe it could be flagged that someone else try’s to engage her and encourage her to join in and guide / support her parenting. That intervention could have an important ripple effect on everyone.

Of course if she continues to be verbally abusive and negligent then there are consequences as well if her DC poses a risk to others.

Does the group have any “charter” for expected behaviour for DCs and parents. Eg Phones off, be close by and reasonable for your own DC etc. She might think this is “time off” for her. Is she younger than others in the group?

[pinkcircustop]

YANBU. If she doesn’t like it she can parent her own child.

[GoldBar]

Tell off the mum next time.

[Wingingit573]

@Sssloou

You did the right thing.

Don’t worry about her kicking off and flouncing off. That’s the usual standard of inadequate behaviour from that kind of parent. We should never hold back on doing the right thing because someone else will make a scene.

I feel v sorry for her DC - he will be subtly socially excluded all the way through his childhood - as every other parent watches out for behaviour and swerves these types of DC which just exacerbates his social development.

I am interested in the Mum being withdrawn from the group. I am not excusing her behaviour but she may have confidence issues, MH issues, a stressful, challenging and chaotic home life.

If this is a community group maybe it could be flagged that someone else try’s to engage her and encourage her to join in and guide / support her parenting. That intervention could have an important ripple effect on everyone.

Of course if she continues to be verbally abusive and negligent then there are consequences as well if her DC poses a risk to others.

Does the group have any “charter” for expected behaviour for DCs and parents. Eg Phones off, be close by and reasonable for your own DC etc. She might think this is “time off” for her. Is she younger than others in the group?

See I've worried about this and I think it's partly the reason I've not said anything to her, She's very withdrawn and she doesn't Interact with anyone parent or child. We all have tried to engage in conversation but she just cuts off all conversation etc.
I have really bad anxiety and this is the only group I've stayed at as before I felt like I couldn't join in etc, I'd hate for anyone else to feel how I did which is why previously we have really tried to include her.
I think we maybe need to update the ' rules of group' in regards to phones etc, that might help bring her out of her shell and she'll have to engage a wee bit.

I'd say she's mid thirties? Her first child though, I'd hate to think she's really struggling and is kind of just disengaging when she's at playgroup for a break from his behaviour and then she feels like people are jumping on her. Definitely feel it needs to be handled carefully.

[Paddling654]

I don't think you can ban the child because he hit the DD of someone on the committee (that's how it will look) and you haven't tried speaking to her, banning phones, supporting her to parent etc.

[Sssloou]

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I don't understand why you haven't taken this 'Mum' to task over her son's behaviour, and her lack of giving a shit Don't take it out on a 3-year old. You need to take it up with her.

I think that this is an important principle. Approach it like you would an unruly dog in the park - it’s the owners responsibility to control their dog - no point berating the dog if it has never been trained to behave or respond.

[BreatheAndFocus]

You did the right thing. I’ve done the same before - and got a similar angry response from the child’s mother who’d been ignoring her DS’s poor behaviour. I stood up to her and told her I wouldn’t have had to reprimand her child if she’d been supervising them properly. I was so outraged at what had happened to my DD. I don’t usually stand up for myself at all but I Ed more than happy to stand up for my child.

You did the right thing, and you actually did the child a favour. Children need boundaries and won’t learn if they’re not guided.

[Wingingit573]

@Paddling654

I don't think you can ban the child because he hit the DD of someone on the committee (that's how it will look) and you haven't tried speaking to her, banning phones, supporting her to parent etc.

Oh no, I would never just try and get him banned, Sorry if it came across that way.
I have intended to try and deal with the issue first but I think that's kind of an end of the line option. I mean if it continues after she's spoken to and after we've put things in place maybe but not straight off the bat.

Although I'm not going to lie I really did hope when she stormed out she maybe wouldn't return of her own accord

[1forAll74]

I would always tell off a small child in a situation like this, precious Mothers can be very irritating.