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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell off someone else's child?

159 replies

Wingingit573 · 30/07/2021 12:03

There's a little boy at my daughter's playgroup who is 3 years old, My daughter is 17months.

He's obviously going through a phase of hitting, 3 weeks in a row he's hit my daughter and other children in the face with toys that are quite heavy.

His mum does absolutely nothing and just says oh dear in a sing song voice... while sitting on her phone Today I told him no, that wasn't kind and he can't be hitting other children after he hit my daughter around the head with a scuttlebug.

His mum picked up on the fact that I'd told him no and was absolutely livid.
I wouldn't like to overstep and I know that all kids and probably my own will go through this phase.

Was I wrong to tell him no? I can just see his behaviour becoming worse and him really hurting another child!

OP posts:

ScrollingLeaves · 30/07/2021 13:49

I know exactly how you felt and why you did this. But the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” doesn’t seem to mean much now and it is taboo to do this especially to a 3 year old who was effectively being neglected.

The only think you could have done is politely tell the mother, then remove your child.

moofolk · 30/07/2021 13:49

I tell off other people's kids and would expect other people to do the same to mine.

Less so now they're older but especially at toddler age. It takes a village and all that, plus kids often listen to adults who aren't their parents!

emmathedilemma · 30/07/2021 13:51

YANBU and you can bet she'd be the first to react if a child twice the size of hers had hit HIM in the face!

PegasusReturns · 30/07/2021 13:52

What does telling him it wasn't kind and he can't be hitting other children actually entail.

A firm “no” is absolutely appropriate but I can understand why she was irritated at your attempts to school him. It’s unnecessary. Many three year olds hit. It’s a phase. They grow out of it.

Original poster

Wingingit573 · 30/07/2021 13:52

@MindyStClaire

If you are worried about the mum and want to take a diplomatic approach, in the your communication about no phones etc, include a bit along the lines of "Remember, this group is for the parents too, so if you see someone struggling to join in, please offer a friendly word", or similar.

I really like this!

I've asked to amend the policy which I'll do tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wingingit573 · 30/07/2021 13:55

@PegasusReturns

What does telling him it wasn't kind and he can't be hitting other children actually entail.

A firm “no” is absolutely appropriate but I can understand why she was irritated at your attempts to school him. It’s unnecessary. Many three year olds hit. It’s a phase. They grow out of it.

I'm sorry I don't understand.

I think it's important for the firm No. But then I think it's also important to explain why you have said no. Otherwise it just becomes a meaningless word...

It's not kind to hit others. How do they grow out of a phase if they don't know it's not acceptable?

OP posts:

Muchasgracias · 30/07/2021 13:58

Kids do this, mine did. But I’d always tell him no and if I didn’t witness anything would expect a parent who did to do the same.

In my experience it’s only a phase because they eventually learn not to do it. If they are never told no, the ‘phase’ is endless.

BruceAndNosh · 30/07/2021 13:58

Yes, hitting IS a phase that some toddlers go through, but unless you want them to remain stuck in that phase, they need to be told NOT to hit.
As far as the child is concerned, his mum has no problem with hitting so why should he stop?

ArabellaScott · 30/07/2021 13:59

I have dealt with this crap for YEARS.

No, OP, YANBU and ffs people with children that hit/throw things - step up, and start taking responsibility. It's not 'normal child behaviour' and it's not acceptable.

aiwblam · 30/07/2021 14:04

Hitting a 1yo with a scuttlebug could result in a skull fracture. I thought that a scuttlebug is essentially a metal trike that kids ride on. It's well outside normal behaviour for a 3yo and bloody dangerous. I'd leave the playgroup - those things are more hassle than they're worth IME.

Benjispruce5 · 30/07/2021 14:07

I’d have done the same. She needs to know that that won’t be tolerated so she needs to parent.

Benjispruce5 · 30/07/2021 14:09

3 is the age of reason when you can stay to explain. As soon as you said no, the parent should have come over and dealt with her child. Who is going to let another child hit their child and not do anything?

Original poster

Wingingit573 · 30/07/2021 14:09

@aiwblam

She has a huge bump and a bit of a scrape, I was really worried as they are bloody heavy.

We're just keeping an eye on her.

I really wouldn't be pulling her from it, As she absolutely loves it there, She's come on leaps and bounds since starting, I appreciate that other people would choose to leave though.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 30/07/2021 14:09

But then I think it's also important to explain why you have said no

Yes and my question was what did you actually say. Your OP is not verbatim and it’s not clear what words you used in explaining.

“no hitting James, it’s not kind” is fine.

“No! Don’t you dare hit other children, you aren’t a kind little boy, you can’t be doing that” is not fine.

Original poster

Wingingit573 · 30/07/2021 14:12

@PegasusReturns

But then I think it's also important to explain why you have said no

Yes and my question was what did you actually say. Your OP is not verbatim and it’s not clear what words you used in explaining.

“no hitting James, it’s not kind” is fine.

“No! Don’t you dare hit other children, you aren’t a kind little boy, you can’t be doing that” is not fine.

Oh my god no I would never say the second bit!

That was the extent, No, Hitting isn't kind, Please don't hit daughters name Why don't we go and sit an play with something else.

OP posts:

Dohrehmee · 30/07/2021 14:13

You Did the right thing. You should have also said her son has done this more than once and she hasn’t done anything to stop
Him. I would have angrily said what if my child gets seriously injured And fractures her skull . And I would add what if her son had something thrown at his head by another And he ended up injured. How would She feel ? So I have every right to say something .

lottiegarbanzo · 30/07/2021 14:17

Injury or potential injury trumps 'don't tell off other people's children', every time.

But, you have to deal very specifically with that incident or threat. No general parenting behaviour or advice.

So, 'No! we don't hit' or 'No! kind hands' and remove toy from boy, hold boy's hand still for moment, or just speak and look him in the eye if that works.

tubbycustardtummyache · 30/07/2021 14:19

The mother will be the first to complain when a child hits her kid back, surprised it’s not happened yet tbh if he’s consistently hitting
Not that I condone violence but one of my dds would definitely have had a go back at 3 (the other not so much). I should add never encouraged by us at home!

Drinkingallthewine · 30/07/2021 14:22

I've encountered this twice. Both neighbours. The first time we did a playdate for the boys and her lad basically battered mine and all she ever said was "oh dear, that's not nice" in a smiley indulgent voice -her lad didn't give a fuck.

Mine OTOH after two of these play-dates point blank said no to any more. Even he pointed out that "X is always hurting me and his mum never tells him off" so even as a three year old, he saw she was a poor disciplinarian.

When she asked for the next play date I told her more or less that. She bleated that her son may have SN and I said that may be so but until she gets a diagnosis and has strategies to mitigate him hurting smaller kids, I've every right to ensure mine is free to play without getting kicked/thumped/ jumped on. She ignored me after that.

The other one was when we moved to OH's home village, the NDN son was 4 (one year younger than DS) and was known to be 'challenging' from the nursery. Occasionally against other kids but mostly deliberately breaking toys. Again, she would do fuck all when he did stuff, he never got told off.

The amount of stuff he's broken in my house, often deliberately, and the amount of times he's attacked my son! We are moving a little further away shortly and I cannot fucking wait. Neither can DS.

She might not tell him off but I regularly give out to him if it happens in my garden or my house. Not that it makes much difference but I can and do send him home if he's bullying the others. I don't give a fuck and if she doesn't like it, she can keep him home, fine by me. I could tell the dad but that only earns the child physical punishment which is the other extreme and isn't healthy parenting either!

That child is 8 now and terrorises younger kids and animals. He never goes on playdates to other houses, nobody will have him. And his mother is wondering why he's not got any friends

lottiegarbanzo · 30/07/2021 14:22

I would also be firm with the mother (quietly, so as not to show her up, or challenge her authority in front of her child).

'He's been hitting other children for the last half an hour. You haven't stopped him. It's not ok. If you can't stop him, you need to remove him.' Or similar. Make clear that you know the problem is her lack of parenting, not the little child himself.

Rangoon · 30/07/2021 14:27

There wouldn't have been a second hitting let alone a third on my watch. The mental health of the mother who is prepared to see her child do that on a regular basis would be something that I wouldn't care less about but I would care deeply if my child had a fractured skull, lost an eye or had a tooth knocked out by her child. What that child is doing is incredibly dangerous and I can't understand why it is being allowed to continue. Your child and the other children do not deserve to be put in danger on a regular basis so that some other mother can crouch over her phone for two hours while other people attempt to watch her child. And a child who is prepared to whack a much smaller child in the face with a scuttlebug is not really learning any social skills from the group.

JS87 · 30/07/2021 14:29

This has just reminded me of a time when DS was around two. We were at a tiny soft play place at a garden centre so not much room for adults in there. I happened to be talking to a friend when someone came over to tell me off that DS had bit their child. I was mortified as he had never but anyone before but they made me feel really bad like it was my fault when in reality many toddlers go through a phase of biting when angry. Maybe I should have watched him like a hawk but as I say he had never done it before and soft play was small and most people let their children go round the frame unaccompanied due to the small size of it. I took him home, put him in his cot and shouted at him for biting the child. He got really upset as I think I over did it as I was so embarrassed. This situation doesn’t sound quite the same as it sounds like the mother doesn’t care but equally I do think that it’s very easy to say a three year old should no it’s not right but some children do take longer to control their emotions than others, especially perhaps those with ASD and we shouldn’t just assume those children are going to turn out to be bullies etc unless told off. Three is still quite young. Hopefully despite his mother not seeming to care he will grow out of it.

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/07/2021 14:29

@Notawriteryet

It’s one thing to say “no” firmly and relive your child, but it’s quite another to tell him he can’t be around other children.

Well she didn’t say that but yes, I think it’s fine to say they cant play with the other children if they’re dangerous. Three is not a baby. Some children have no idea of how to behave because parents pussyfoot around them, can’t bear to tell them no! Despair at the level or passiveness I see with so many parents, cannot bear to discipline their child because they might (gasp) feel upset! Good! Then they won’t do it again!

WheyHey · 30/07/2021 14:31

Has @Notawriteryet changed their name to @PegasusReturns?
What utter drival

Bitofachinwag · 30/07/2021 14:32

@Pottedpalm

I think it’s fine to correct a child, but I suspect the majority view will be that reprimanding someone else’s child raises the hackles in the ( unobservant /neglectful ) parent.

If any of my children misbehaves i am grateful to anyone who reprimands them.

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