To tell off someone else's child?

[Wingingit573]

There's a little boy at my daughter's playgroup who is 3 years old, My daughter is 17months.

He's obviously going through a phase of hitting, 3 weeks in a row he's hit my daughter and other children in the face with toys that are quite heavy.

His mum does absolutely nothing and just says oh dear in a sing song voice... while sitting on her phone Today I told him no, that wasn't kind and he can't be hitting other children after he hit my daughter around the head with a scuttlebug.

His mum picked up on the fact that I'd told him no and was absolutely livid.
I wouldn't like to overstep and I know that all kids and probably my own will go through this phase.

Was I wrong to tell him no? I can just see his behaviour becoming worse and him really hurting another child!

[OhRene]

Tbh I wouldn't know, I've literally never been around children before having mine and she's yet to go through a phase like this.

I ran and co-ran three babies and toddler groups each week for around 5 years. It's not usual behaviour. Nor is it always a phase. We had this kid. Useless mother and natural violent tendencies. The mum would sit and smile whilst admiring the skill her son had when decking other small children and babies.
That same child ended up in nursery with the playgroup children, then all the way through primary. He never improved. The mother would shrug everything off as normal child behaviour or a phase that every child goes through. Spitting in other kids food, biting, kicking the shit out of or strangling other boys playing football, purposely slamming classmates into walls when running past and generally being aggressive and not doing as he was told. He had no respect for authority because his mum let him away with murder.

And we could all see this happening from toddlerhood.

OP, you were right to tell that child off but don't expect things to change. They may just get worse.

If I knew then what I do now, I would have pursued every formal complaints procedure the nursery and schools had. Don't be afraid to speak to the committee to see what can be done.

[chaosrabbitland]

you did what i would have done op , id be damned if id watch an older kid hit my daughter and not say anything to the little sod , its not a one off incident , hes doing it regularly .mother is crap at parenting and does nothing , he needs to be told by somebody its not acceptable , if his mother had starting off on me shed have been getting told to bloody control her son a bit better

[Natashaj27]

I would've told him off too. At the playgroup I take DS to, we all help look after each other's children so everybody at least gets a chance to breathe and have a hot drink. I definitely wouldn't mind another mum/nan telling me DS "no, it isn't very nice to hit people. Everybody should play together" or something like that. It was actually another mum that managed to get my 1 year old to share a toy with her child.

[Maggiesfarm]

You were right to tell him. Yes they often do go through hitting (spitting and biting) phases but it's up to adults to tell them it isn't on. I'm susprised his mother didn't.

[Killahangilion]

I used to run a playgroup in a church hall and if we saw this happen regularly, either myself or one of the other volunteers would definitely speak to the parent about their child’s behaviour and suggest ways to help them deal with the problem behaviour, if they seemed ineffective.

If the person running the playgroup won’t get involved, find another group that’s better organised.

[TheTallOakTrees]

@Notawriteryet

It’s one thing to say “no” firmly and relive your child, but it’s quite another to tell him he can’t be around other children.

Maybe go back and read the OP first post since you appear to have misread it.

[TableFlowerss]

@Embracelife

Ignore her.
Remove your child saying very loudly

That was not very nice we don't hit other children do we

This (i mean)

[TheTallOakTrees]

Children need clear boundaries around acceptable behaviours, the mother appears unable to show him so he needs guidance from others, including parents, schools etc. Some parents do sit on phones and appear unable to give guidance to their children on acceptable behaviour. It's a lazy approach and obviously isn't helping her son.

YANBU

[TableFlowerss]

This

[YoComoManzanas]

@Conkergame

YANBU but a parent who can’t be bothered to actually parent their kid probably also won’t take kindly to it. Just ignore or if you’re feeling brave say something like “I wouldn’t have to tell your child off if you actually looked after them”

Yes indeed, I would have told the boy off. Once I would have let it go, but not after the 2nd time. Mother would have gotten a telling off too if she had squared up to me.
I speak as someone who had 2 boys who went through various phases of pushing, biting, etc but I watched them like a hawk and intervened before they got to the pushing stage. You don't necessarily have to say no to a hitter but you do need to watch them and steer them away before they do it.
However it would be better if she did tell him no for this. He will grow up to be one of those kids no one wants to have a playdate with.

[feb2022]

A scuttlebug isn't exactly a small thing to be whacked with either!... ouch!
I'd have done exactly the same OP at 3 years of age toddlers should know that hitting is not ok
His mother needs to set the kid some serious boundaries otherwise he's gonna be a little shit when he starts school
My DS1 has been getting hit by some kid in nursery and it honestly grinds my gears because his mum just isn't arsed in the slightest, stands outside the school swearing, cig in one hand and her phone in the other 🙄

[Rocketearth]

This woman needs to be spoken to about supervising her child, and if she gets offended and has a strop who actually cares? She clearly has no respect or concern for the safety for anyone else attending the group so let her take herself elsewhere.

Any child should be able to be reprimanded for poor or anti-social behaviour if the parent doesn’t care.

[Buffoonborisisatwat]

Go for it. The mother needs parenting lessons.

[Thisisthewaywego]

I have a friend who’s DD was/is just like this child. I even spoke to my DC’s nursery teacher about how to handle him when he attacked my DC as his DM/my friend just grinned and ignored the behaviour.

She suggested saying “that wasn’t kind, was it?” Stern face. You aren’t directly telling the child off but you are alerting them to their behaviour and hopefully the parent’s too.

For this play group you should ban mobiles, have signs up saying DC must be supervised at all times, and the committee need to have a clear written plan of behaviour expectations for parents/carers which is also shared with them. They don’t like it they can go elsewhere with their unruly offspring.

And being hit around the head with a Scuttlebug?! That would hurt an adult let alone a toddler! Appalling to ignore that.

[AllTheSingleLadiess]

You're not wrong at all.
If his mum said something to me then I'd have no problem telling her that if she disciplined him then I wouldn't have to

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

Really you shoukd say “stop” rather than “no” as that directly addresses the undesirable behaviour.

It’s fine. As a nanny I no problems reigning in other children’s behaviour when required.

[Dohrehmee]

Chocolate hamper . Good reply!😃

[Moomala]

Sorry awful spellings on that post!

[msbevvy]

@msbevvy

Me too. They would often take more notice of someone else telling them off.

Sorry, quote didn't work. This was in response to a poster who said they would be grateful if someone else told their kids off if they were misbehaving.

[Moomala]

Sorry I accidentally put yabu. You have every right to tell her child no for hitting your child, if she is just sitting in her arse doing nothing. I hate parents like this that get annoyed when they here there angels are told no.

[msbevvy]

Me too. They would often take more notice of someone else telling them off.

[Wingingit573]

@lottiegarbanzo

Yes, I understand it's not a drop off thing. It might feel a bit like that though, if there are some very involved parents. That other parents have to be present but their participation isn't really needed.

Things can look a lot more cliquey from the outside, than the insiders perceive them to be.

I hope she doesn't view it like this, As I've said I felt like this about other groups and it was horrible, Would you ask her if she feels that way? I wouldn't want to come across us confrontational

[Wingingit573]

@dapsnotplimsolls

What do the other parents do when their child is hit by this boy?

Usually oh it's okay, he's just little, he'll learn eventually and then they usually take their kid away from him.
At least 3 children were abruptly removed from his vicinity today when their mums noticed they were near the wee boy today.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yes, I understand it's not a drop off thing. It might feel a bit like that though, if there are some very involved parents. That other parents have to be present but their participation isn't really needed.

Things can look a lot more cliquey from the outside, than the insiders perceive them to be.

[dapsnotplimsolls]

What do the other parents do when their child is hit by this boy?