To tell off someone else's child?

[Wingingit573]

There's a little boy at my daughter's playgroup who is 3 years old, My daughter is 17months.

He's obviously going through a phase of hitting, 3 weeks in a row he's hit my daughter and other children in the face with toys that are quite heavy.

His mum does absolutely nothing and just says oh dear in a sing song voice... while sitting on her phone Today I told him no, that wasn't kind and he can't be hitting other children after he hit my daughter around the head with a scuttlebug.

His mum picked up on the fact that I'd told him no and was absolutely livid.
I wouldn't like to overstep and I know that all kids and probably my own will go through this phase.

Was I wrong to tell him no? I can just see his behaviour becoming worse and him really hurting another child!

[Sssloou]

Maybe her proactively volunteering to set up next week following her flounce is a sort of non-verbal acknowledgment/apology?

I suspect she needs this outlet more than you realise. You sound like a very compassionate person but as PP have said boundaries are important for everyone especially her DC who potentially looks to be vulnerable if he is not being attended to.

[Wingingit573]

@Sssloou

Maybe her proactively volunteering to set up next week following her flounce is a sort of non-verbal acknowledgment/apology?

I suspect she needs this outlet more than you realise. You sound like a very compassionate person but as PP have said boundaries are important for everyone especially her DC who potentially looks to be vulnerable if he is not being attended to.

It's my week to set up next week, So I'll see if she comes early and I think I'm going to speak to her, I wouldn't like her to feel like she's being jumped on if she's struggling.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU at all and the other mother is bloody useless by the sound of it.

I used to take my 2 DSs (separately as they are 5 years apart) to playgroups where ALL the mothers would take joint responsibility for the welfare of ALL the kids - so if any mum saw any kid hitting another, that mum would tell the child "No, hitting isn't nice" or whatever. And no one complained - in fact, many appreciated the back up, that it wasn't just them always telling off their own child for whatever infraction. If anyone didn't like the set up, then they didn't come back - but most people were fine with it.

I can't be doing with parents who think their children are "free spirits" who should "learn independently" how to behave - no, fuck off, they need to be TAUGHT how to behave.

[Greenrubber]

Not all children go through a hitting face I think you did the right thing and of the mum feels like you were out of order maybe you should point out that if she had been paying more attention she could of avoided it

[memberofthewedding]

Any parent is entitled to discipline any badly behaved child if their own parents are incapable of doing it.

[Greenrubber]

Phase not face obviously

[maddening]

The leader needs to take her to one side at the start of the next session, explaining the policies and that if she does not want others to intervene when her son hurts other dc then she will need to monitor closely and if it continues whilst she is monitoring, or if she fails to monitor then she will not be welcome.

[MizMoonshine]

You should have held your ground and told her to look after her kid instead of at her phone or you will continue to protect your child by telling hers off.

[Paddling654]

and I think and it's a shame that if it carries on he needs removed,

It does sound like you thinking of it.

[Paddling654]

There will be more experienced parents on the committee. It's not your place to suggest removing him.

[Drivingmeupthewall]

@Notawriteryet

It’s one thing to say “no” firmly and relive your child, but it’s quite another to tell him he can’t be around other children.

Apparently you’re not a reader either...

[Supertree]

My local group became very strict about phones, partially for these sorts of reasons. They found that parents weren't supervising their children at all and then there were issues with taking photos/videos with other children visible and it being uploaded to facebook. They had quite a few signs up mentioning the phone ban and frequently mentioned that the idea of the group is to interact with your child. Some parents did kick off about it, but if they didn't put their phone away, they were asked to leave. I think it worked well. Some volunteers were obviously nervous about telling parents to put it away but they knew they would be backed up if the parent kicked off.

[ElephantOfRisk]

I tell other people's children off when required. If the parents can't be bothered or aren't supervising properly or just didn't see, then I don't give a shit if they are upset either. I also had no issue with my DC being told off by others. It's better to address any poor behaviour as it happens than reporting it to someone later.

[SnoopyLights]

@Wingingit573

I feel like responding with can you also parent your child next week please?

But I shan't stir the pot

Stir it

The mother and the leader of the playgroup sound useless. If this is at a children's centre or other proper setting I would be complaining to everyone about them both.

[JudgeJ]

@pleasedonttextmyman

Not only would I say "no", but I would do it especially loudly to make sure the parent nearby can hear!

No shame on being passive aggressive in this case.

This happened in a zoo, OH had quietly asked the older children not to push in front of the younger ones waiting to go on a slide, he then told them a second time. When he had to tell them a third time I think the whole zoo heard him and at least it woke up one of the parents who told him that she believed in gentle parenting, at which point he informed for that 'gentle' was almost an anagram of 'neglect'.

[Supertree]

On the other hand, she might still not adequately supervise even without a phone in her hand, and that might need to be dealt with in a more official way. I don't think you were wrong at all to tell her child no. I've had to do similar in the past and also had a woman blow up at me for telling her child to stop hitting. Her excuse was that she was only two. Mine was even younger and she'd been following him around to block every piece of equipment he tried to play on and then tried to push him from the top of a slide. Very dangerous and I can't believe her mum was happy to just sit there and watch it happen.

[InTheNightWeWillWish]

Not got my own kids yet… but I’ve had to tell other people’s kids off before* and this reaction is quite common. In my experience any parent that can’t be bothered to tell off their children have no problem being a dick to someone who has told their child off.

*I used to work in a soft play centre, so I had to tell children off mainly because they were doing something that could injure themselves like climbing up the netting on the outside of the equipment or climbing on something they shouldn’t. Occasionally it was because children were hurting other children. I had one mother threaten me after I told her son to stop biting other children and if he bit anyone else he would have to stop playing there, she wanted to know what gave me the authority to discipline her child. She called my manager over to get me fired until my manger pointed out that when you enter the soft play there are rules the parents signs to agree to, which include not biting other children. At that point she flounced from the soft play, yelling angrily that we’d never get her business again.

[Couchbettato]

OP I would implement a no phones rule any way.

Not only because some people would rather stare at their phones than be present for their child but because it prevents people taking photos of other people's children and it's a safeguarding issue.

We don't allow phones out in our group for this exact reason or the council would have our heads.

[Jasmine11]

He hit your daughter with a scuttlebug?! That's unacceptable, time to have a word with whoever runs the group and get them to talk to the mother, or they will start losing customers.

[Sceptre86]

She was defensive, lots of parents will get like that. Yanbu. My nephew used to pull his toys off my dd if she was playing with them, I let it go until he started pulling her own toys off of her. My sil got all defensive and didn't like it when I would intervene and return my child's toy to her and say grabbing was not nice. When my own son did it to hers a few years later it would get her back up, the difference was I would intervene quickly and tell my son off.

[Laurapb88]

My one and a half year old has smacked one of my friends little boy in the face twice and both times I've been mortified told him no and made him have 5 minutes out you were absolutely right to tell the child no as I would expect someone to do to my son if I wasn't around

[ForeverSinging]

It's the mother's fault, not the kid. She's the one you need to speak to.

[StapMe]

My kid was aggressive at playgroup, no idea why, happily she did grow out of it. I was always rescuing someone else's kid from her, and frankly wondered why the other mums weren't rescuing their own little darlings from my monster. Too busy yacking (pre phone days, I'm that old) to other mums to watch what was going on. Put me off of playgroup for sure. She's a well adjusted adult now

[MindyStClaire]

If you are worried about the mum and want to take a diplomatic approach, in the your communication about no phones etc, include a bit along the lines of "Remember, this group is for the parents too, so if you see someone struggling to join in, please offer a friendly word", or similar.

[smithsinarazz]

My mum is, I think, one of those gentle people who just finds it really hard to tell her kids (and grandkids) off. As a result I didn't learn how to control my temper as a child; it caused me no end of difficulties throughout my life - ruined friendships, jobs, etc - and I actually feel like I'm learning things in my forties that I should've learnt as a toddler. Of course, that's not my mum's fault, it's mine. But I still think that not teaching your kids to control their temper and be nice to others isn't doing them any favours.