WIBU

[CardiOfDoom]

So DH is working away this week, I'm home alone, unwell with an endometriosis flare up and have no access to a car. I got what shopping I needed before DH left and wasn't expecting any visitors so just got what I knew I would use and something for tea for when DH gets home.

Then DSS (25 years old, has never lived with us but has a key and visits a couple of times a week although usually only when DH is here) pops in to pick something up he's left here, I was upstairs and called down when I heard him come in that I'd be down in a minute. By the time I got down to the kitchen he was getting the stuff out to make a sandwich, something I've never known him do before as usually we would make him something if he was hungry.

I'm down to the last 3 slices of bread and the last couple of slices of ham which was supposed to be my food for tomorrow daytime so I explained that and asked if he'd have time to pop to a shop (he'd come in the car so not a massive ask) and get me some more bread so I'd have enough to last me. He got really huffy about it and started shoving all the stuff back, then made a sarky comment about how he might as well go seeing as I can't even spare him a sandwich and stomped out slamming the door behind him.

I feel a bit shaken up tbh, I think I was pleasant when I explained and he knows I'm not well and can't easily get to the shops, in fact it would have been nice if he'd asked if I needed anything as he was popping round anyway. He's not hard up for food, works full time and lives with his DM so could easily have gone home (10 minutes away) for a sandwich. I'm alternating between being annoyed and a bit disappointed by his reaction and feeling like a right stingy cow for not letting him have a sandwich, any other time he would have been welcome but I don't feel up to walking to the shop and there's not really anything else in I could have managed with. So, was I unreasonable? Not even sure whether to tell DH in case he thinks I was so opinions would be great.

No I'm not an equal in my marriage, that has become crystal clear in the last couple of years and I've been fighting to even it up ever since I realised it was the case. I have had my boundaries consistently trampled during that time and DH and I have come closer to divorce than ever before so he knows exactly what's at stake.

It's the ambiguity/difference in perception that makes this particular situation difficult to navigate. Previous stuff has been obvious, factual stuff which DH can't deny or minimise so it's easier to defend my corner. This is all about my perception of an event he did not witness and he will always want to believe the best of DSS so it's more difficult to stand my ground.

The ambiguity of the incident is irrelevant here. You’re setting a boundary “DSS cannot be here when you are not here”. As DSS has never lived there, doesn’t currently live there, doesn’t keep anything of his there, his father won’t be there then there is absolutely no basis for your DH to insist that DSS comes when he isn’t there. If he tries to insist then, honestly, I’d be making my exit plan.

I've never had cause to consider whether I felt safe with DSS tbh frazzled, I'm rarely alone with him and he's never behaved like that before. I feel uneasy now but that's more to do with concerns about the dynamic which seems to be evolving than being physically afraid I think, over and above the natural intimidation of a larger male, he is over 6' and muscular and I am tiny.

Maybe you're right MotionActivatedDog, I've had one foot out the door for a while but things had seemed better recently, until this happened.

I agree with @frazzledasarock, I would definitely be very uneasy OP.

You have a massively disrespectful, dismissive husband and a nasty, intimidating step son.

Deep unpleasant scenario.

I would absolutely focus on your safety and what you want for your future.

Neither father nor son sound like decent characters.

You however sound lovely.

Do you think there's the possibility that DSS said it purposefully to cause you to worry? So that you'd be on edge all week?

Thank you billy1966, it's taken 40-odd years for me to believe I am actually a nice, decent person, I have my faults of course but I know my own worth now, still nice to hear though

I honestly don't know PhoenixReincarnated, I would hope not considering how much I've supported him over the years, but then I would also hope he wouldn't lose his rag over being asked to fetch bread so maybe?

Someone (on my phone so awkward to check back) said upthread that I obviously don't have an easy-going relationship with DSS but (on the surface at least) I wouldn't previously have said that was true. I've always felt my role was to support DH to be the best dad he could be so I suppose I have taken more of a back-seat in some ways but it's always been quite an affectionate, (I thought) mutually respectful type of relationship albeit centred on DH and the DC with me as a sort of back-up parent. I thought we were all happy with that and so it just feels normal that they don't visit unless DH is here, he's not away that often so it's not something I've ever questioned.

I don't think I can know yet whether what happened last week was a worrying development in this Disney dad/entitled son dynamic I've been seeing or just some sort of momentary aberration on DSS's part. The 'see you in the week' comment could still have been throwaway and I'm making more of it in my head because of everything else that's been happening so I guess I will have to wait and see.

@MissingEveryoneSoMuch

I don’t think I’d have said anything to him, I’d have just accepted that I’d have had to have found something alternative the following day. But then I tend to have back ups/alternatives in the freezer. If there’s nothing else to eat, then Once he’d finished I’d have asked for a lift to the shop to grab a couple of things and not made it obvious that it was to replace the missing bread etc.

So.... You're a mug then?

@suspiria777

Yeah, I think I would have felt unwelcome in that scenario if I were your DSS. I understand why you did it, and you weren't unreasonable to ask, but you could have waited until after he'd eaten. His reaction may have been exacerbated by hanger.

(Did you really, really not have anything else to eat except that bread and ham?)

This.

@IonaLeg

I think he probably did feel a bit unwelcome. I think most people would feel they could make a sandwich in their parent’s house, unless explicitly told otherwise. I understand why you felt you had to say something though, since you would have been stuck otherwise.

If I were you, I would start keeping a couple of freezer meals in stock. Something really simple like tortellini that cooks in minutes. Endometriosis is a fucker, and that ensures you always have a backup.

No sorry. I am 28 so nearly the same age as the DSS. I would never walk into my mum's house and make a sandwich using the last of her bread, especially when she was ill and unable to get to the shop, without asking. Ever. It being your parents house is irrelevant. It is rude.

He should have asked or at the very least said 'ill go and replace that when I've finished' especially knowing OP is unwell. You shouldn't have to keep spare food in your freezer just in case your child (or step child) decides to be a cheeky, uncaring twat at 25 years old.

@PhoenixReincarnated

Do you think there's the possibility that DSS said it purposefully to cause you to worry? So that you'd be on edge all week?

I thought exactly the same thing.

Will you be on edge all week now OP? I think in this scenario I would be, knowing that he has a key and what happened last time.

Can you just say this to DH? I know it's awkward to say and explain why but I think some clear boundaries need to be put in place now-

Not on edge exactly but I'm already finding myself trying to preempt when he might come and making plans to either not be here or have friends over. That's not good is it

I don't think it will help if I do speak to DH tbh, he won't see my POV because it would be too hard to admit DSS might be less than perfect. I know DH isn't coming off too well here but this is against the backdrop of a largely happy 20+ year relationship. Some changes have happened in the last couple of years which have highlighted some inequality and triggered the change in DH's behaviour around DSS but this isn't how our marriage has always been and I'm fighting to get back to where we were.

@ineedsun

He was out of order to react like that but I can understand why he might have done.

What I can’t understand is that people seem to think that once your kids are grown, they are guests in your house.

I don't think grown children are guests in the house but it is entirely logical that once you are an adult your parents don't cater to you anymore.

I don't expect my mum and dad to now, at 28 years old, to consider me when doing their food shop "just in case" I decide to walk in and eat their food. So anything in their fridge or cupboards I would ask first in case they had other plans for it or it was their last (and I'd replace it if it was the last especially in these circumstances).

My parents would always be happy for me to eat in their home and their likely reply would be "help yourself" but I'm an adult and it is polite to ask first (and not use up the last of something and throw a strop when you're asked to replace).

And I'd be damn certain to ask my ill mother if she needed anything picking up before I came round to.

There is so much excusing of poor behaviour from adult children (usually step) on this site. It boggles my mind every time.

@BarbaraofSeville

at the people who think the OP is being unreasonable here.

Well he's a step child so... Obvs.

Very basic manners would ensure that a normal person would ask may they make a sandwich in the home of another person, even a parent.

Really basic courtesy.

There is a type of person that reacts with anger and aggression when asked to observe basic courtesies by another person.

It indicates a hugely flawed character IMO.

The OP was in her own home.
If it was completely empty of food, it would not excuse her step sons appalling behaviour.

Hangry doesn't cover it.

He is 25.

This does sound like scent marking. DSS is aware that he can do what he likes to his DF and is extending that to include @CardiOfDoom. Hold your boundaries. If he is playing games then I wouldnt be surprised if he does turn up unexpectedly in the hope that you will offer him food which he will then aloofly decline.

If it is a meal time and convenient to you then offer him food but you do not need to go out of your way to feed him. He is a grown adult who should be capable of sorting his own catering.

@LionSGuard precisely! My DCs are all adults and only one still living at home. I cannot imagine eldest (25) walking in through the door and helping herself to food. She has better manners.

I would do as suggested and lock / chain the door from the inside. Not being able to walk in as he chose will send him a message. I think it sounds like he was trying to make some kind of awkward joke which didn't work about seeing you in the week after his dad rebutted him. I don't think he'll come round but best to lock up when you're home alone in any case.

Just asked my biological son if he would do this and he laughed and said ao cou

Just asked our biological son if he would do this and he laughed and said 'Of course, not.".

@MadKittenWoman

Just asked our biological son if he would do this and he laughed and said 'Of course, not.".

Your son is normal and has manners.

My DH would never do this to his mum or dads house either.

He has keys to their houses.

He’s just not an entitled rude dickhead.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don’t think I’d ever begrudge my children making a sandwich regardless of their age. He will have felt really unwelcome, I’d not be in a rush to visit again after that.

That's nice for you but it's not OP's child.

While my own adult children will come in snd help themselves to things in the house to eat, they do ask rust for certain unusual things i n the fridge, if almost out of something (to check I have back up)

BUT IMPORTANTLY when I have been unwell, they ask me if I need anything from the shop.

So on that point, he’s been very selfish.