WIBU

[CardiOfDoom]

So DH is working away this week, I'm home alone, unwell with an endometriosis flare up and have no access to a car. I got what shopping I needed before DH left and wasn't expecting any visitors so just got what I knew I would use and something for tea for when DH gets home.

Then DSS (25 years old, has never lived with us but has a key and visits a couple of times a week although usually only when DH is here) pops in to pick something up he's left here, I was upstairs and called down when I heard him come in that I'd be down in a minute. By the time I got down to the kitchen he was getting the stuff out to make a sandwich, something I've never known him do before as usually we would make him something if he was hungry.

I'm down to the last 3 slices of bread and the last couple of slices of ham which was supposed to be my food for tomorrow daytime so I explained that and asked if he'd have time to pop to a shop (he'd come in the car so not a massive ask) and get me some more bread so I'd have enough to last me. He got really huffy about it and started shoving all the stuff back, then made a sarky comment about how he might as well go seeing as I can't even spare him a sandwich and stomped out slamming the door behind him.

I feel a bit shaken up tbh, I think I was pleasant when I explained and he knows I'm not well and can't easily get to the shops, in fact it would have been nice if he'd asked if I needed anything as he was popping round anyway. He's not hard up for food, works full time and lives with his DM so could easily have gone home (10 minutes away) for a sandwich. I'm alternating between being annoyed and a bit disappointed by his reaction and feeling like a right stingy cow for not letting him have a sandwich, any other time he would have been welcome but I don't feel up to walking to the shop and there's not really anything else in I could have managed with. So, was I unreasonable? Not even sure whether to tell DH in case he thinks I was so opinions would be great.

I think DH is insecure about their relationship GnomeDePlume, that's where the fear comes from rather than being afraid of DSS. There is a reason why it would be coming to the fore now which I'd rather not detail (really long story and too identifying for comfort) but it's probably rooted right back to his ex withholding contact when DSC were little really. I haven't talked to DH yet no, he's home but exhausted so I've left it for tomorrow.

Thank you QueenBee52

He didn't give me chance to offer him anything Alternista, I asked if he had time to grab me a loaf before he went home and he'd shoved everything back and stropped off within seconds.

@KarmaStar

Ywbu.You have online shopping,uber eats deliveroo. His reaction was immature but you're wasn't great to start. I would never have done that to family.

How on earth do you know what delivery services are available where the OP lives?

Deliveroo and Uber eats aren't everywhere and even if they do have them, why the fuck should the OP pay for groceries to be sent by taxi when the greedy git who ate her food without asking could have picked up a loaf and anything else she needs.

If they have the type of relationship where he can walk in and start helping himself to food, which makes me wonder if he's done this before but it's the first time the OPs known about it, it should work both ways and he should offer to help her out by popping to the shop for her, especially to solve the problem that wouldn't have existed if it hadn't been for him taking the food in the first place.

And if he won't do that he should eat elsewhere.

@Shirleyphallus

Called a cunt and saying he should have his key taken off him for taking a slice of bread. Premium MN that.

Premium missing the point there 😅

I'm a family of 5 and shock horror I don't keep stocks of food in, especially not bread. We just buy new when on the last few slices. My 14 year old son is usually the one who eats it and guess what he says.... Hey mam the breads out. I'll just eat this then go get some more if you give me some money. Even my 11 asks if we have more bread as he's about the use the last 2 slices. To be 25 year old and know your SM is poorly and not be able to handle a small request to pop to the shop smacks of selfishness to me.

Not sure what to make of what's happened over the weekend so theories/opinions welcome! Fairly predictably DH minimised DSS's behaviour, he likes the path of least resistance so agreed there was no need for DSS to get stroppy but put it down to a 'bad day/moment' and brushed it under the carpet. It's been a busy weekend so not much scope for me to raise it again and I've pretty much had to just get on with things.

We've seen DSS a couple of times over the weekend and he's behaved as though it never happened meaning I've felt like I had to do the same. So, everything on the surface is fine but then there was a bit of a weird moment when we were seeing DSS off yesterday. We were saying bye and he said to DH 'see you in the week', to which DH replied that he wouldn't and reminded DSS he was working away again this week. DSS said ok and that he'd see DH next weekend then turned to me and said 'I'll see you in the week then' before getting in the car before I had time to reply.

It sounds like nothing but I'm puzzled as to why he said it, he wouldn't normally call in if he knows DH isn't here, unless for a specific reason like picking up the headphones last week and he'd made no mention of needing to come. I'm feeling much better so no chance it's any kind of 'keep an eye on Cardi' type arrangement with DH (unlikely anyway but certainly no need this week) and now the 'scent marking' idea a PP mentioned is really starting to bother me. Is that what he's doing? And how do I put a stop to it if he is? Wondering if I need to have this moved to Relationships now as not sure it's really an AIBU anymore, the whole thing is making me feel a bit uneasy tbh.

YANBU. He should have asked first before helping himself to your food.

Did you ask DH “why is DSS saying he’ll see me in the week? ”

Ask DH that. He’ll probably shrug and say “I dunno” at which point you say “I’m not comfortable with DSS being here without you after how he behaved last week. Can you tell him he isn’t to come over please.”

If DH or DSS insist he can come over you say “ok, but not until the 3 of us have sat down and discussed what happened”

Don’t let that incident just be “forgotten”. It needs to be addressed properly.

And “what happened”- for the avoidance of doubt- was his behaviour towards you after you asked him to get bread. Not the fact that he took the bread. Because he will try and make it out that “what happened” was you freaked out over him having a sandwich.

Oh, they both sound awful. Your husband is failing you as a partner. His son has basically been told he can do what he wants and he has made that quite threatening remark to let you know who is boss. I wouldn't want to stay in this relationship.

He behaved aggressively previously and he’s acting strangely now.

Tell your DH to tell his son not to come around next week as he won’t be there.

In your shoes I’d ensure door is locked and bolted from the inside so your SS cannot enter without knocking and being let in by you.

All sounds quite off to me.

@frazzledasarock

He behaved aggressively previously and he’s acting strangely now.

Tell your DH to tell his son not to come around next week as he won’t be there.

In your shoes I’d ensure door is locked and bolted from the inside so your SS cannot enter without knocking and being let in by you.

All sounds quite off to me.

To me too.

What was his tone like? 'I'll see you next week' almost sounds like a threat. If he's never lived there, why is he dropping in, when it doesn't sound like a social call?

It's one of those times when you wish you could have gone back in time, because you could have said 'have you got everything, wouldn't want you to have to come back'.

Sounds like you might need to 'accidentally' leave your key in the lock when you're in the house and not hear him if he does turn up. You must have had earbuds in/have been asleep/at the back of the house.

how do I put a stop to it if he is?

What kind of locks are there in your door? When I was in, at least, I'd turn the lock do it can't be opened with a key from the outside.

His words ' I'll see you ...' could just be a figure of speech, or not wanting to leave you out just coz DH is away.

Either way, I'd make sure he can't get into the house even with a key, so you let him in if he appears and treat him like a visitor. If not feeling well id sleep though anyone knocking just in case.

All the best , you hold all the cards here. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable in your own house.

It feels off frazzledasarock but I'll be made to feel I'm massively overreacting if I say so. I will lock the door but not sure how much that will help beyond making the point that he can't just walk in, which is significant obviously but I imagine he will just keep knocking or ring me to let him in, which means I still have to deal with however he behaves once he's inside. I can't think of a reason to keep him out which won't cause a shitstorm and make me look petty and unreasonable, especially as DH has minimised what happened last week.

The same goes for your suggestion MotionActivatedDog, DH is so defensive of DSS I know I will be made to feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion if I say I feel uncomfortable. DSS being 'stroppy' on one occasion will not be seen as enough to warrant that and I struggle more to defend my boundaries when my reasoning is based more on feelings than something more tangible. It's easy for DH to put it down to a bad day when he wasn't here to see it and isn't experiencing it from my POV, and of course it suits him better not to see it from my POV because that would mean criticism of his DS is justified.

but I imagine he will just keep knocking or ring me to let him in, which means I still have to deal with however he behaves once he's inside.

You know you don’t have to let him in? You can say you are busy/working/sleeping/not well. Or you can just ignore the phone.

DH is so defensive of DSS I know I will be made to feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion if I say I feel uncomfortable. DSS being 'stroppy' on one occasion will not be seen as enough to warrant that

Well then you make this a watershed moment and you make it enough to warrant it. YOU get to define your own boundaries- they don’t have to go to a panel to be given the go ahead. And if they did, the panel certainly would not be made up of people who have no interest in your feelings.

I don’t get why DSS can’t visit his fathers house unless it isn’t his fathers house in name and he pays nothing towards it then boundaries are blurred.

You can claim to have been sleep with earbuds in.

Out for a walk/seeing friends/whatever

I’d make it my mission not to let him in purely because he’s behaving quite threateningly and I do not wish to be alone in my house with an unwelcome male who is intimidating and scaring me.

It’s your home.

Your H doesn’t sound very nice if he minimises your concerns. His son is a grown assed man not a helpless little boy with a wicked stepmother.

OP, you have a DH problem, and you are not an equal in your marriage. You have two choices; put up with this disrespect and insult for the rest of your married life, or take a stand. Write him a letter if you feel he won't listen to to face to face. Use what you've said here, and tell him how defensive he is and how he belittles and minimises you, his wife. Tell him your marriage is at stake if he doesn't start taking your feelings seriously.

Those are your two choices. You are a woman of the 2000s. What are you going to choose?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don’t get why DSS can’t visit his fathers house unless it isn’t his fathers house in name and he pays nothing towards it then boundaries are blurred.

Really?

The son is a grown man who does not live there.

His father will not be there.

There is no reason for the son to ‘visit’ he clearly doesn’t leave an easy going friendly drop if for lunch type relationship with his step mother so why would he decide he was going to visit his fathers house when his father told him not to as he would not be there?

Would you go to your dads house when he was not going to be around, and didn’t have an easy going relationship with your fathers partner?

Yanbu
I have boys younger than him and every one of them would have gone to the shop for me without hesitation.
I do think there is more to this though, unless he's always an entitled huffy brat. It's possible he needed to talk or needed some time out from something and you got the brunt of his stress. Leave it a while then reach out and check if he's ok x

The door unfortunately has no keyhole on the inside, just an internal lock thing you turn without a key. It does have a chain but he can still partly open with a key and call through the gap, we also have a very noisy dog so I wouldn't get away with claiming I didn't hear him.

He was smiling when he said it but the emphasis was definitely on you, it could easily have been a throwaway comment but did feel more like a veiled threat in light of what happened last week. This is the problem, what's happened so far feels too ambiguous to cause a fuss over when it could be viewed two ways and DH will automatically choose the way which casts DSS in the best light.

Your door doesn’t sound very safe.

Install dead bolts top and bottom.

And I’d shrug and say yeah didn’t hear him.

Nobody can prove you purposely ignored him.

Do you feel safe around your SS?

Right OP- in that case you need to be very direct with your DH and tell him DSS is not to come when DH isn’t there. So what if he thinks you’re overreacting? What is the worst that will happen if he does?