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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU

221 replies

CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 20:52

So DH is working away this week, I'm home alone, unwell with an endometriosis flare up and have no access to a car. I got what shopping I needed before DH left and wasn't expecting any visitors so just got what I knew I would use and something for tea for when DH gets home.

Then DSS (25 years old, has never lived with us but has a key and visits a couple of times a week although usually only when DH is here) pops in to pick something up he's left here, I was upstairs and called down when I heard him come in that I'd be down in a minute. By the time I got down to the kitchen he was getting the stuff out to make a sandwich, something I've never known him do before as usually we would make him something if he was hungry.

I'm down to the last 3 slices of bread and the last couple of slices of ham which was supposed to be my food for tomorrow daytime so I explained that and asked if he'd have time to pop to a shop (he'd come in the car so not a massive ask) and get me some more bread so I'd have enough to last me. He got really huffy about it and started shoving all the stuff back, then made a sarky comment about how he might as well go seeing as I can't even spare him a sandwich and stomped out slamming the door behind him.

I feel a bit shaken up tbh, I think I was pleasant when I explained and he knows I'm not well and can't easily get to the shops, in fact it would have been nice if he'd asked if I needed anything as he was popping round anyway. He's not hard up for food, works full time and lives with his DM so could easily have gone home (10 minutes away) for a sandwich. I'm alternating between being annoyed and a bit disappointed by his reaction and feeling like a right stingy cow for not letting him have a sandwich, any other time he would have been welcome but I don't feel up to walking to the shop and there's not really anything else in I could have managed with. So, was I unreasonable? Not even sure whether to tell DH in case he thinks I was so opinions would be great.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 30/07/2021 07:17

[quote girlmom21]@Sparklfairy he's not the one dropping the C bomb over a slice of bread... [/quote]
Are you new here? The 'c bomb' is well used on MN Grin in any case it was said because of his tantrum and lack of concern over OP being ill and having limited food. If he was a teen thats one thing, but at 25 to show such a lack of consideration, I make no apologies for my post.

girlmom21 · 30/07/2021 07:20

@Sparklfairy I don't care how commonly used it is. It's completely unnecessary in this situation.

Sparklfairy · 30/07/2021 07:23

Yawn.

ineedsun · 30/07/2021 07:29

[quote girlmom21]@Sparklfairy he's not the one dropping the C bomb over a slice of bread... [/quote]
Totally agree

ineedsun · 30/07/2021 07:35

He was out of order to react like that but I can understand why he might have done.

What I can’t understand is that people seem to think that once your kids are grown, they are guests in your house.

NeonDreams · 30/07/2021 07:43

Unfortunately being a man he has no understanding of women's issues, so has no appreciation of the pain you're in. It's not something he can comprehend, he probably thinks it's no big deal. Can you ring up his mother (since he lives with her) and tell her how hurt you were and explain the situation? She may be able to make him feel remorse/apologise to you.

Gardenwalldilema · 30/07/2021 07:46

I'd want anyone to feel comfortable enough to make a sandwich in my home, whether friend or family member.
The idea of each slice of bread and ham being allocated to a specific purpose would seem so ridiculous to me, and probably did to him.
I imagine he felt very unwelcome and just blew up a bit. I'd just let this go.
You maybe think you were a bit off if you're worried about your husbands reaction?

Brefugee · 30/07/2021 07:58

The idea of each slice of bread and ham being allocated to a specific purpose would seem so ridiculous to me, and probably did to him.
I imagine he felt very unwelcome and just blew up a bit. I'd just let this go.

Do in your scenario he eats up the food that OP has calculated to last until her DH gets back, waltzes off and she... Stays hungry?

The lack of empathy and simple comprehension on thisvthread really drives home to my why I keep encountering so many young adults with appalling attitudes and manners. (despite some posters getting a fit of the vapors at the word "cunt" addressed at a precious above all DSS who was, tbf, behaving cuntishly).

billy1966 · 30/07/2021 07:59

Very rude and very disrespectful of YOUR home.

I would NOT appreciate or tolerate an angry 25 year old man slamming out of my house.

Dreadful behaviour.

You sound nervous of him, your husband and upsetting either of them?

Why is that?

Your husband should be unimpressed with such loutish behaviour.

Chain in the door for sure.

Basic manners would say he should have ASKED may he make a sandwich.

BASIC manners.

Hope you feel better soon.
Flowers

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/07/2021 08:02

@Gardenwalldilema

I'd want anyone to feel comfortable enough to make a sandwich in my home, whether friend or family member. The idea of each slice of bread and ham being allocated to a specific purpose would seem so ridiculous to me, and probably did to him. I imagine he felt very unwelcome and just blew up a bit. I'd just let this go. You maybe think you were a bit off if you're worried about your husbands reaction?
Me too. Our children never have to ask before taking food and close friends help themselves to drinks, snacks etc as that’s the way we have always been.
ineedsun · 30/07/2021 08:04

See I disagree, I don’t mind the word cunt, used appropriately, but he wasn’t acting like a cunt. There was a misunderstanding which he reacted badly to, that doesn’t make him a cunt.

The fact that some posters are using deliberately provocative language to shut other people down is far more cunty in my view.

BlueSurfer · 30/07/2021 08:09

He sounds like he was rude and selfish but I can also see how you will have made him feel unwelcome and luckily for him, he will have no idea how awful endometriosis can make women feel so probably wouldn’t have understood.

In all honesty though, is a home delivery by a supermarket/farm shop etc really impossible to arrange? How would you manage if your DH is delayed?

PheasantsNest · 30/07/2021 08:10

You made him feel unwelcome. You could have ate something else. Surely you have something else in apart from bread and ham.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 30/07/2021 08:12

Even if he did feel unwelcome, so what?

You're not well, op.

Any adult instinct from the grown up dss would be to ask if there was anything he could do to help like get shopping in or make you some tea.

He was rude and entitled.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 08:13

He likely didn’t understand you were so hard up for food, yes he reacted badly but maybe something else going on with him, and a reason he didn’t go back to his own place.

Possibly he didn’t expect that would be all you had so it was a big deal for you.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 30/07/2021 08:16

@ineedsun the op is ill. She wasn't prepared to cater to another adult as she didn't know he'd be coming in to eat.

Most adults seek to help ill people. And not strop off when they're asked to help when they've eaten food that needs replacing.

8monthsinandcranky · 30/07/2021 08:17

Sorry but I always think it’s crazy unreasonable when people, by choice, keep only the absolute bare minimum food in their home then complain when someone drops by Hmm especially people who have keys to the house and semi consider it their home (like a 20 something DC or DSC).

If you can’t afford any more than bare minimum fair enough but if you can afford it then you should have a pack of pasta and jar of Pesto or a couple of freezer bits or an extra bit of bread. What if DH got delayed? It’s same with everything really, if you choose to cut it super close then you’re taking a risk. Had he been raiding your cupboards and demolishing everything fair enough but a sandwich? I wouldn’t think twice about making myself a sandwich at my parents house and they do the same at my house

Washimal · 30/07/2021 08:23

Can you ring up his mother (since he lives with her) and tell her how hurt you were and explain the situation? She may be able to make him feel remorse/apologise to you.

He's 25 years old!!

Mayra1367 · 30/07/2021 08:28

Think you are both unreasonable. He should of gone to the shop for you but sounds like you make him feel very unwelcome in his father’s home .

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/07/2021 08:29

@Washimal

Can you ring up his mother (since he lives with her) and tell her how hurt you were and explain the situation? She may be able to make him feel remorse/apologise to you.

He's 25 years old!!

Not to mention she would likely not be impressed he even isn’t allowed a sandwich in his other parents home.
Holly60 · 30/07/2021 08:34

@girlmom21

You've probably made him feel a bit unwelcome. I'm sure you could've found something else to eat.
Yep this. He was probably embarrassed. I always have pasta, rice, noodles, tinned soup, tinned tuna etc in the pantry so would have just thought ‘oh well, tuna pasta for me tomorrow 🤷‍♀️‘ or something similar Smile
ineedsun · 30/07/2021 08:35

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@ineedsun the op is ill. She wasn't prepared to cater to another adult as she didn't know he'd be coming in to eat.

Most adults seek to help ill people. And not strop off when they're asked to help when they've eaten food that needs replacing. [/quote]
I read the OP, I have endometriosis - I understand and empathise. That is one side of the situation.

As I’ve repeatedly said, he behaved badly, but I can see his side too.

All this black and white thinking just creates division and resentment, stupid stuff like this has the potential to escalate and lead to broken relationships when people fail to try and see shades of grey. Over a ham sandwich and an over reaction.

GnomeDePlume · 30/07/2021 08:39

I wonder if this will be a bit of a watershed moment for him. The sudden realisation that he isnt 15 anymore and cant just expect to help himself to any food he sees lying around.

I hope imagine that his reaction came from embarrassment at his own thoughtlessness. Perhaps a call from his father to reassure him that he is always welcome but that a call in advance would be courteous to ensure that OP and her DH are ready to welcome him would be a good idea.

FunMcCool · 30/07/2021 08:40

You’re family, if someone in my family said look I’m unwell can you pop to the shop for me as that’s the last of my bread, I’d say of course! What else can I get you? Any other reaction is strange and selfish. Don’t let him or your husband make you think otherwise. He’s 25 not 15.

NeonDreams · 30/07/2021 09:07

@Washimal

Can you ring up his mother (since he lives with her) and tell her how hurt you were and explain the situation? She may be able to make him feel remorse/apologise to you.

He's 25 years old!!

Yes, and?? @Washimal OP complained to his father, so why not his mother? I didn't think speaking to a parent was age-dependent. Or that mothers stopped guiding their children once they become 25.