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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU

221 replies

CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 20:52

So DH is working away this week, I'm home alone, unwell with an endometriosis flare up and have no access to a car. I got what shopping I needed before DH left and wasn't expecting any visitors so just got what I knew I would use and something for tea for when DH gets home.

Then DSS (25 years old, has never lived with us but has a key and visits a couple of times a week although usually only when DH is here) pops in to pick something up he's left here, I was upstairs and called down when I heard him come in that I'd be down in a minute. By the time I got down to the kitchen he was getting the stuff out to make a sandwich, something I've never known him do before as usually we would make him something if he was hungry.

I'm down to the last 3 slices of bread and the last couple of slices of ham which was supposed to be my food for tomorrow daytime so I explained that and asked if he'd have time to pop to a shop (he'd come in the car so not a massive ask) and get me some more bread so I'd have enough to last me. He got really huffy about it and started shoving all the stuff back, then made a sarky comment about how he might as well go seeing as I can't even spare him a sandwich and stomped out slamming the door behind him.

I feel a bit shaken up tbh, I think I was pleasant when I explained and he knows I'm not well and can't easily get to the shops, in fact it would have been nice if he'd asked if I needed anything as he was popping round anyway. He's not hard up for food, works full time and lives with his DM so could easily have gone home (10 minutes away) for a sandwich. I'm alternating between being annoyed and a bit disappointed by his reaction and feeling like a right stingy cow for not letting him have a sandwich, any other time he would have been welcome but I don't feel up to walking to the shop and there's not really anything else in I could have managed with. So, was I unreasonable? Not even sure whether to tell DH in case he thinks I was so opinions would be great.

OP posts:

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 11:27

I think it would have made the world of difference if you'd come down and said hi, and then said "Oh, I'm glad you've popped by, I'm not feeling very well and, without a car, can't get to the shop - is there any chance you could go and get me a loaf?"

I think it would have made a world of difference if the 25 year old adult had said hello and asked if everything was ok and asked if there was anything they could eat and then upon seeing there wasn't much food in asked if OP needed a hand with shopping.

FinallyHere · 30/07/2021 11:27

No one should use the last few slices of a loaf without knowing where the next one is coming from. All the more so as a 25yo who drops in when parent is away to collect something.

I'm impressed by the PP saying once he had had his sandwich, you could have asked for a lift to the shops and replaced the good yourself. Indeed that would have spared the lad his embarrassment.

That would be a very 'kind'. non confrontational way to handle an awkward situation. Does anyone like me see a connection between women endlessly patient with selfishness and people that grow up to expect as a right, the same d endless patience snd self sacrifice from their partners. At what point do these people suddenly get it and start being 'lovely' themselves.

Never, I suspect. Or perhaps at best when grandchildren come along.

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 11:28

@Sparklingbrook

He's handled the bread and stuffed it back in the bag. OP still needs bread.

Yup he could have picked his nose or anything

ChainJane · 30/07/2021 11:29

On the positive side OP, he's not likely to be back any time soon, so this will be a one-off incident.

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 11:29

Indeed that would have spared the lad his embarrassment. he wasn't embarrassed he didn't give a shit.

aliyia84 · 30/07/2021 11:31

@clickychicky

This!! Honestly some of these responses. He is a grown man!!!!

MotionActivatedDog · 30/07/2021 11:33

I find it really bizarre that a 25 year old man who doesn’t live with you turned up at your house to make himself a sandwich when his dad wasn’t there. Do you think he was trying to throw his weight around because your husband wasn’t there? I don’t know your DSS but it’s an odd thing to do.

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 11:35

Exactly ChainJane
My adult dc are welcome to walk into our home and make a drink / get themselves a snack at any time, and I hope always will be.

Original poster

CardiOfDoom · 30/07/2021 11:36

I haven't disappeared, it's been 13 hours since I last posted and I slept 9 of those, thank you Tramadol I did explain upthread we don't currently have a freezer, just an under counter fridge til we can afford a new fridge freezer. I honestly had no reason to think anyone else would be here to want any bread, I had catered for what I needed and couldn't see the point in buying an extra loaf (on Sunday when we shopped) I didn't need and which would be out of date by the time DH was home. I get that the freezer situation is unusual but not buying stuff you know you won't use before it's stale seems fairly normal to me

I'd also like to add that there was no 'accusatory tone', I literally said hi and asked how he was, he said fine and I said 'any chance you could grab me another loaf before you go, I'm almost out', I made no reference to his sandwich at all. He's also fully aware of my condition and it's effects, I've fainted from the pain in front of him before (he had to catch me actually ) and he saw me on Sunday and knew I was unwell.

He called in for his headphones which he'd left here by accident at the weekend, I didn't know he was coming and had to call down the stairs to see who was coming into the house when I wasn't expecting anyone.

OP posts:

iklboo · 30/07/2021 11:38

rather than making him feel unwelcome in what is one of his two homes.

He's never lived there.

ObviousNameChage · 30/07/2021 11:53

@BackforGood

Exactly ChainJane My adult dc are welcome to walk into our home and make a drink / get themselves a snack at any time, and I hope always will be.

I bet they don't also strop and walk out if you ask them to get something for you from the shops.

Ilovecaviar · 30/07/2021 11:54

You’re not at all in the wrong OP, ignore all the folks babying a 25 yr old. There’s a big difference to having people/grown up kids being welcome at all times to this particular set of circumstances where you were caught out when in pain and discomfort. He should’ve helped you out.

I really hope his dad has words with him, he needs to be told that behaviour is unacceptable under any circumstances. 25 is far too old for flouncing off when someone has asked you a favour. If i were his mother I would be appalled and would be telling him to get a shop done and to take it round apologising.

MotionActivatedDog · 30/07/2021 11:58

I lived in my parents house. I’d never just turn up and start making myself a sandwich. If I was there and my mum said she needed bread I’d go to the shop without being asked. A couple of weeks ago I was due to visit for dinner and my mum mentioned that my dad wasn’t feeling to great so I decided not to go as I figured he would just want to be able to be sick in peace. I just can’t fathom what your DSS was thinking. He sounds like an totally self absorbed individual.

Original poster

CardiOfDoom · 30/07/2021 12:09

If I'm honest he can come across as quite self absorbed yes, DH excuses it with 'we were all selfish at his age' type comments but he can be astonishingly rude and un-self aware at times. I don't know about the 'throwing his weight around' theory, I sincerely hope that wasn't the case but I suppose it would explain his reaction. Still feeling a bit shit about it today, DH does seem to struggle with any perceived criticism of DSS which is why I wasn't sure how he would react so we'll see how the land lies when he gets home I suppose.

OP posts:

NeonDreams · 30/07/2021 12:37

How do you get on with his mother, OP? Do you think you could have a word with her?

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 12:40

@NeonDreams

How do you get on with his mother, OP? Do you think you could have a word with her?

He’s 25 not a child for goodness sake!

Brefugee · 30/07/2021 12:43

My adult dc are welcome to walk into our home and make a drink / get themselves a snack at any time, and I hope always will be

I see this all the time on MN and it's weird. Does nobody teach that it's exceedingly rude to take the last of anything (in a house you don't live in) without checking somebody else had planned to use it?

ToastandPeanutButter · 30/07/2021 12:44

What really bothers me about this thread, aside from people thinking it's ok that at 25 year old clearly still thinks the food fairy comes and stocks up the cupboards, is those assuming that OP has the same privilege as them. Not everyone can keep a stack of food in the freezer/cupboards, and as the OP has pointed out a few times, not everyone has a freezer. Not everyone has a fridge. And I'm saying that as somebody who is very privileged when it comes to freezers and food.

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 12:45

ToastandPeanutButter agreed. I have a plan for every item of food I buy. I can't afford to buy loads of spare food just in case. I have a few tins for emergencies that's it.

Original poster

CardiOfDoom · 30/07/2021 12:49

Don't really have contact with her now DC are adult NeonDreams, we always got on well enough when they were little but we don't really have any need to keep in touch now. I'm not really looking for any kind of resolution anyway tbh, it's done now and I'm happy to move on. I just wanted to know whether folk thought I was unreasonable and that's probably because I was worried about DH's reaction if I'm honest, pretty sure MN would say I had a DH problem if I told you half the things that have happened

OP posts:

Iwantamarshmallowman · 30/07/2021 12:53

@SpongebobNoPants

What? He’s a grown adult who doesn’t live there… he should have asked, especially when he saw the bread was nearly out

Unwelcome? He’s a CF!

YADNBU

This

billy1966 · 30/07/2021 12:56

@CardiOfDoom

OP, So his father is a pig? Sounds like the apple hasn't flen far from the tree. Keep the chain on your door. Hope you feel better soon.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2021 13:11

DH does seem to struggle with any perceived criticism of DSS

Oh well. He should have brother him up a bit better then he wouldn’t behave so badly and there’s be less need for criticism. Perceived or otherwise.

Original poster

CardiOfDoom · 30/07/2021 13:12

Not exactly a pig billy1966 but he certainly seems to have some kind of belated Disney dad thing going on with DSS these days, weird because he wasn't like that when the DC were small It also doesn't extend to DSD which maybe implies some sexism/favouritism, which is equally odd as DH hasn't really exhibited either up until the recent changes in his behaviour around DSS.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 30/07/2021 13:16

@girlmom21

You've probably made him feel a bit unwelcome. I'm sure you could've found something else to eat.

I'd make anyone feel unwelcome if they came into my house and made themselves something to eat without even saying hello! He's an adult and doesn't live there.

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