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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU

221 replies

CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 20:52

So DH is working away this week, I'm home alone, unwell with an endometriosis flare up and have no access to a car. I got what shopping I needed before DH left and wasn't expecting any visitors so just got what I knew I would use and something for tea for when DH gets home.

Then DSS (25 years old, has never lived with us but has a key and visits a couple of times a week although usually only when DH is here) pops in to pick something up he's left here, I was upstairs and called down when I heard him come in that I'd be down in a minute. By the time I got down to the kitchen he was getting the stuff out to make a sandwich, something I've never known him do before as usually we would make him something if he was hungry.

I'm down to the last 3 slices of bread and the last couple of slices of ham which was supposed to be my food for tomorrow daytime so I explained that and asked if he'd have time to pop to a shop (he'd come in the car so not a massive ask) and get me some more bread so I'd have enough to last me. He got really huffy about it and started shoving all the stuff back, then made a sarky comment about how he might as well go seeing as I can't even spare him a sandwich and stomped out slamming the door behind him.

I feel a bit shaken up tbh, I think I was pleasant when I explained and he knows I'm not well and can't easily get to the shops, in fact it would have been nice if he'd asked if I needed anything as he was popping round anyway. He's not hard up for food, works full time and lives with his DM so could easily have gone home (10 minutes away) for a sandwich. I'm alternating between being annoyed and a bit disappointed by his reaction and feeling like a right stingy cow for not letting him have a sandwich, any other time he would have been welcome but I don't feel up to walking to the shop and there's not really anything else in I could have managed with. So, was I unreasonable? Not even sure whether to tell DH in case he thinks I was so opinions would be great.

OP posts:
londonscalling · 30/07/2021 17:03

He's out of order. He should have popped in to see if you are OK and if there is anything you need whilst his dad is away. He shouldn't stop by and help himself to your food. He's 25 for goodness sake and should know better. If he's never lived with you then I'd be tempted to take his key off him!

MotionActivatedDog · 30/07/2021 17:06

I never have extra bread in the house. If the bread runs out midweek one of us runs to the shop. I don’t keep extra bread incase someone else unexpectedly calls in and wants bread Grin

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2021 17:17

If you're that skint that you can't spare a couple of slices and bread and ham... should you be looking at budgeting? Do you and DH not share finances? Could he not have bought the shopping before he left?

Sorry that you are poorly, but that and not having access to a car has nothing to do with your issue about DSS making a sandwich.

You can order shopping online? Ask a friend to pop to the shop? Ask DH for help?

Yes, DSS sounds like an arsey twat, but maybe he was just hungry/hangry.

MotionActivatedDog · 30/07/2021 17:18

Wow

MotionActivatedDog · 30/07/2021 17:20

You can order shopping online? Ask a friend to pop to the shop? Ask DH for help?

So you’re fine with her asking a friend for help, asking her DH (who isn’t there!!) for help but not fine with her asking the person who was going to eat the bread for help? Confused

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2021 17:25

@MotionActivatedDog

She did ask him. He acted like a twat.

Original poster
CardiOfDoom · 30/07/2021 17:26

I don't think you've read the thread GreenFingersWouldBeHandy, this isn't about not being able to afford food! And I've covered the online shopping question, it's all there in my posts Smile

OP posts:
Figgyboa · 30/07/2021 17:27

Let him have a sandwich! You can get groceries delivered if urgent or if possible, have a loaf of bread in the freezer.

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2021 17:29

YANBU at all in any shape or form.

What adult barges into their parents home and starts helping themselves to the available limited food when they live ten minutes away and grab a sandwich at home?

You have my sympathies suffering from endo two of my very close friends ended up having surgery because of it. It’s absolutely crippling.

I wouldn’t expect such selfish behaviour from my teens never mind adult children in their mid twenties. You said and did nothing wrong and I wouldn’t apologise at all.

He sounds like an entitled brat.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 17:29

@CardiOfDoom

I don't think you've read the thread GreenFingersWouldBeHandy, this isn't about not being able to afford food! And I've covered the online shopping question, it's all there in my posts Smile
I think it’s a natural assumption to make that this is about not being able to afford food op, it’s really unusual for people to not have anything in the house to eat on a Thursday night other than three bits of Bread and two slices of ham to last them until Saturday evening, if they can afford otherwise.

I get that’s not the case, but you can see why people are assuming you can’t afford food.

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2021 17:30

@Figgyboa

Let him have a sandwich! You can get groceries delivered if urgent or if possible, have a loaf of bread in the freezer.
Have you bothered reading OP’s posts at all?
SmallPrawnEnergy · 30/07/2021 17:32

@Figgyboa

Let him have a sandwich! You can get groceries delivered if urgent or if possible, have a loaf of bread in the freezer.
How many times does op need to say she doesn’t have a freezer. For fucks sake “see all” under the op posts let’s you read all she has wrote and means you don’t post this kind of crap.
MotionActivatedDog · 30/07/2021 17:32

[quote GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]@MotionActivatedDog

She did ask him. He acted like a twat.[/quote]
Yeah but the poor lamb was probably hungry 😂😂 you can’t really blame him for his own behaviour. Hmm

iklboo · 30/07/2021 17:44

Yes, DSS sounds like an arsey twat, but maybe he was just hungry/hangry.

Well seeing that he DOESN'T BLOODY LIVE WITH OP & NEVER HAS he could well have eaten earlier, at home or somewhere else.

GnomeDePlume · 30/07/2021 18:01

Assuming he can walk in and make a sandwich without checking with OP (since he has never done this before) does come across to me as passive aggressive 'scent marking'. Essentially born again Disney Dad is allowing DSS to do as he wants and DSS is making sure that OP knows the rules.

Except that OP didnt get that memo and expected DSS to follow the normal societal convention of 'you check it's okay first' before taking what is visibly the last food in the house.

DSS being arrogant and self-absorbed stomped out of the house slamming the door behind him. Possibly saying 'how very dare she'.

Original poster
CardiOfDoom · 30/07/2021 18:09

Sadly I'm coming to the same conclusion GnomeDePlume, I can't think why else he did any of it. Not sure whether it's fortunate or unfortunate that it's come at a time in my life where I'm getting a lot of practice at standing up for my needs and boundaries so I'm afraid he's on a hiding to nothing.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 30/07/2021 20:51

My word this is the most frustrating thread! Why oh why don't people filter and read the OP's own posts if they don't want to read the whole thread, before posting the same daft and often irrelevant, thing over and over?

Sorry- rant over! 🌹

GnomeDePlume · 30/07/2021 21:06

Not sure whether it's fortunate or unfortunate that it's come at a time in my life where I'm getting a lot of practice at standing up for my needs and boundaries so I'm afraid he's on a hiding to nothing.

I'm glad to read that @CardiOfDoom, indulging this sort of behaviour is not doing DSS any favours.

I asked my DS(23) what he thought and his view was 'uh, what!'. The idea of walking in without preamble was anathema to him. He wouldnt do this at his GM's house much less just help himself for food. My DH's take on this was that it was a dominance thing.

As a side thought, is your DH a little bit frightened of his DS? Not cowering in fear but no longer able to assert himself as he would have done when DSS was younger.

KarmaStar · 30/07/2021 21:23

Ywbu.You have online shopping,uber eats deliveroo.
His reaction was immature but you're wasn't great to start.
I would never have done that to family.

Original poster
CardiOfDoom · 30/07/2021 21:58

Done what KarmaStar? Asked them to fetch you a loaf of bread???

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 22:00

Take his key from him..

Sorted 🌸

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 22:01

Hope you feel better soon OP 🌸

Alternista · 30/07/2021 22:11

I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask but i also don’t think his assumption was unreasonable- most people would have more food in than that!

I know you said you can’t eat anything but bread when you’re unwell, but was there nothing else you could have offered him instead? No pasta in a cupboard or anything?

GnomeDePlume · 30/07/2021 22:14

I think some of the people saying that the OP should have indulged DSS are looking at it from the perspective of having small children They cant imagine not giving up their own food to feed a hungry 5 year old and so see a 25 year old as just a stretched version of that 5 year old.

If DSS was genuinely hungry he could have gone to a shop and bought himself some food, not waltzed into OP's kitchen and helped himself to whatever he found there (despite having never done this before).

Have you had chance to speak with your DH @CardiOfDoom?

ObviousNameChage · 30/07/2021 22:42

@KarmaStar

Ywbu.You have online shopping,uber eats deliveroo. His reaction was immature but you're wasn't great to start. I would never have done that to family.
She nicely asked him to get her another loaf of bread. What's so awful about that?

Fucking hell, my 10 yo was more helpful when I hurt my foot!