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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU

221 replies

CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 20:52

So DH is working away this week, I'm home alone, unwell with an endometriosis flare up and have no access to a car. I got what shopping I needed before DH left and wasn't expecting any visitors so just got what I knew I would use and something for tea for when DH gets home.

Then DSS (25 years old, has never lived with us but has a key and visits a couple of times a week although usually only when DH is here) pops in to pick something up he's left here, I was upstairs and called down when I heard him come in that I'd be down in a minute. By the time I got down to the kitchen he was getting the stuff out to make a sandwich, something I've never known him do before as usually we would make him something if he was hungry.

I'm down to the last 3 slices of bread and the last couple of slices of ham which was supposed to be my food for tomorrow daytime so I explained that and asked if he'd have time to pop to a shop (he'd come in the car so not a massive ask) and get me some more bread so I'd have enough to last me. He got really huffy about it and started shoving all the stuff back, then made a sarky comment about how he might as well go seeing as I can't even spare him a sandwich and stomped out slamming the door behind him.

I feel a bit shaken up tbh, I think I was pleasant when I explained and he knows I'm not well and can't easily get to the shops, in fact it would have been nice if he'd asked if I needed anything as he was popping round anyway. He's not hard up for food, works full time and lives with his DM so could easily have gone home (10 minutes away) for a sandwich. I'm alternating between being annoyed and a bit disappointed by his reaction and feeling like a right stingy cow for not letting him have a sandwich, any other time he would have been welcome but I don't feel up to walking to the shop and there's not really anything else in I could have managed with. So, was I unreasonable? Not even sure whether to tell DH in case he thinks I was so opinions would be great.

OP posts:
Original poster
CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 21:58

No proper freezer currently (managing with an under counter fridge til we can afford a new fridge freezer) so no room for bread or back-up meals unfortunately. Yes he knew DH was away and no he didn't fetch more bread, just shoved the slices he was about to use back in the bag and stropped off.

I'm still swinging between feeling bad i 'begrudged him a sandwich' and made him feel unwelcome and annoyance that he thought it was ok to turn up unannounced when he knew I was unwell and eat the last of my bread. Not sure how welcoming I'm actually supposed to be in those circumstances, I've not been fit for much other than crawling from bed to sofa all week and really wasn't expecting (or wanting frankly) visitors so I doubt I could have managed a warm welcome for anyone. And yes it would have been nice if he'd rung to ask if I needed anything.

OP posts:
BaronessOfTheNorth · 29/07/2021 21:58

He's a 25 year old adult who has stopped by to make a sandwich. He lives 10 minutes away. He must have known you didn't have a car so if he'd come round to ask if you wanted anything from the shops, fair enough! But you're not a cafe.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 29/07/2021 22:03

I'm 26, only a year older than him. I would not dream of walking into my mums house and helping myself to a sandwich especially the last of the bread. I can't believe anyone thinks it's acceptable for an adult to walk into their parents house and help themselves to food. And if my mum was alone without access to a shop and I saw she had 3 slices of bread left I would offer to go to the shop for her.

He was bang out of order and I find it strange that it's not a common habit of his but he chose to do it while you're alone, ill and short on food.

bakingdemon · 29/07/2021 22:06

YANBU. At 25 he really should know better but clearly thought he could get away with it. Did you tell DH? Best he hears your side of the story first.

Chloemol · 29/07/2021 22:07

At 25 and not living with you I would expect him to have the courtesy to ask if he could make a sandwich

And you are ill, can’t get out and at 25 I would expect some sympathy

Original poster
CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 22:07

I had got staples in my cupboard, just only enough for me because no one else was here! I bought bread on Sunday, enough and with a long enough date to last me til DH was home, if I'd bought another loaf the vast majority would have gone in the bin as it would have been stale by the weekend. It didn't occur to me to buy it anyway as I knew I wouldn't be up to visitors so wasn't expecting to need to cater for anyone else.

OP posts:
makingababy · 29/07/2021 22:10

You didn’t deny him a sandwich- you asked him to replace what he’d taken. He’s 25. There is no way you are being unreasonable here!

Notaroadrunner · 29/07/2021 22:13

YANBU. He's acting like a spoilt toddler throwing a tantrum. Tell Dh but do not apologise or make out that you feel bad. Dss should be the one feeling bad for thinking he can waltz in unannounced, knowing Dh is away, and take your food.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 29/07/2021 22:20

I wouldn't mind any of my SC popping in unannounced- especially as you say he was only coming to collect something. He obviously wasn't planning on hanging around.

However, when I left home and whenever I went to my parents I would always ask if it was ok to eat / drink something I would never have just helped myself. To be honest... ..I think I did that when I briefly went back to live with them following a break up until I got myself sorted. At the Time I was obviously contributing towards the household as well.
If, as in your scenario I wanted a sandwich and there was little bread/ ham left I would have gone to the shop to get some more if my parents circumstances were as yours were. I would have offered in any case but my mum would probably have said it didn't matter.
If you asked politely/ explained your situation then your SS did not behave well at all.
YDWNBU and I hope you feel better.

Anonmummyoftwo · 29/07/2021 22:25

The fact it was the last of the bread and ham I’m saying no you weren’t unreasonable at all it’s common decency to not use the last if someone stuff especially if you don’t live with them. If I popped into my mums and noticed she only had a few rounds of bread or a small amount of milk left I’d go to the shop and get her more

iklboo · 29/07/2021 22:36

I don’t think I’d ever begrudge my children making a sandwich regardless of their age. He will have felt really unwelcome, I’d not be in a rush to visit again after that.

He has never lived in the house with OP & his dad. He rocked up to pick something up, waltzed into the kitchen and started making himself something to eat with what was obviously the last of the bread & ham. Something he has also never done before. OP told him it was the last of the bread & asked if he could nip to shops for her to top up / replace the stuff so she'd have something to eat before his dad came home. He took a hissy fit & stormed out.

WHERE in that was OP 'begrudging' him a sandwich? He's also 25, not 13.

Imcatmum · 29/07/2021 22:41

He's a spoilt brat. I think if I was your DH he'd be deserving quite a sharp follow up about visiting with long arms knowing you're stuck home sick, eating food without checking when there was clearly very little left AND he knew you were unwell and had no transport, and finally I'd be taking away his key for treating you and your home like that.

Original poster
CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 22:43

I have now told DH, he didn't sound pleased but not sure if it was with me or DSS. I didn't apologise or say I felt bad, I told him I was annoyed and a bit hurt by DSS's reaction. It was only a brief call and DH is a man of few words at the best of times so hard to gauge his feelings about it til he's home tomorrow,

Not planning on making a big thing of it anyway, its done now whoever was unreasonable and I've no desire for any fall outs, think I was just a bit shocked when I posted tbh. Appreciate all the replies and the PP who mentioned I could have been naked makes an excellent point, might be safer all round if I put the chain on the door when I'm really not up to visitors.

OP posts:
ineedsun · 29/07/2021 22:44

Going against the grain, I’d be really happy that my step child a) wanted to visit when their dad wasn’t about and b) felt comfortable enough to help themselves to food, although I do understand why you asked him to get more bread.

I’d probably send a quick text saying that I haven’t been well and am not able to get out of the house to get more provisions but didn’t intend for him to feel unwelcome.

CanofCant · 29/07/2021 23:06

Yeah, I think going forward you should put the chain on. He's been really rude and I would expect to be pulled up by my own parents if I behaved that way. Yuk at the bread being shoved back into the bag too.

SpongebobNoPants · 29/07/2021 23:53

@ineedsun… you’d be happy about this situation?
He didn’t want to visit, he let himself in to pick something up knowing his dad wasn’t there.
“Visiting” implies he came to see the OP, which he didn’t and he showed no care for her being ill even when she kindly asked him to go to the shop for her. That’s not someone visiting, that’s an adult acting entitled to help themselves with no regard to the person who actually lives there.

ineedsun · 30/07/2021 06:13

Yes, I would be. I’m a step mum of adults and love that they feel able to wander in without knocking, put the kettle on and have a look in the fridge to help themselves.

He obviously reacted badly to being asked to go to the shop and it seems to me that this could well have been embarrassment (although clearly I’m not in his head), I don’t think OP did anything wrong but it has all been a situation which got off on the wrong foot and has potential to cause future awkwardness.

If OP doesn’t want a dynamic where step kids treat the place like home, that’s fine, totally up to her and all well and good. For me, I’d be upset if they didn’t feel able to do that.

devildeepbluesea · 30/07/2021 06:33

I suppose it was a bit rude of him just to start making a sandwich (but in plenty of homes I know it'd be completely normal) but I can't get over the fact that you had 3 slices of bread and a couple of bits of ham in and that's it.

Sparklfairy · 30/07/2021 06:36

Gosh some of you are such walkovers. A fully grown man wandering into a house he doesn't even live in, helping himself to the last of the OP's food, and then storming off in a hissy fit because she asked him for a loaf of bread?

I don't care who you are, if you act like a cunt damn straight you can feel unwelcome in my home.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 30/07/2021 06:49

I'd be taking his key. Twat.

girlmom21 · 30/07/2021 06:54

@Sparklfairy

Gosh some of you are such walkovers. A fully grown man wandering into a house he doesn't even live in, helping himself to the last of the OP's food, and then storming off in a hissy fit because she asked him for a loaf of bread?

I don't care who you are, if you act like a cunt damn straight you can feel unwelcome in my home.

Sounds like most people would feel unwelcome in your house. Calm down a bit...
Sparklfairy · 30/07/2021 07:04

Calm down a bit...

Your comment would be better directed at DSS tbh instead of suggesting OP scratch around for something else to eat in order to enable his entitled behaviour...

girlmom21 · 30/07/2021 07:05

@Sparklfairy he's not the one dropping the C bomb over a slice of bread...

JustATypo · 30/07/2021 07:07

He was very very rude, and is behaving more like a tantruming toddler than a grown adult of 25.

Is he usually a rude little shit because that’s the only way to describe his behaviour.

gobackanddoitproperly · 30/07/2021 07:12

In lots of homes that might be normal - making something to eat. Certainly in mine. I suspect my son (still a teen) would have asked first. And my son’s reaction to being asked to pop to the shops would have been ‘of course’.