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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU

221 replies

CardiOfDoom · 29/07/2021 20:52

So DH is working away this week, I'm home alone, unwell with an endometriosis flare up and have no access to a car. I got what shopping I needed before DH left and wasn't expecting any visitors so just got what I knew I would use and something for tea for when DH gets home.

Then DSS (25 years old, has never lived with us but has a key and visits a couple of times a week although usually only when DH is here) pops in to pick something up he's left here, I was upstairs and called down when I heard him come in that I'd be down in a minute. By the time I got down to the kitchen he was getting the stuff out to make a sandwich, something I've never known him do before as usually we would make him something if he was hungry.

I'm down to the last 3 slices of bread and the last couple of slices of ham which was supposed to be my food for tomorrow daytime so I explained that and asked if he'd have time to pop to a shop (he'd come in the car so not a massive ask) and get me some more bread so I'd have enough to last me. He got really huffy about it and started shoving all the stuff back, then made a sarky comment about how he might as well go seeing as I can't even spare him a sandwich and stomped out slamming the door behind him.

I feel a bit shaken up tbh, I think I was pleasant when I explained and he knows I'm not well and can't easily get to the shops, in fact it would have been nice if he'd asked if I needed anything as he was popping round anyway. He's not hard up for food, works full time and lives with his DM so could easily have gone home (10 minutes away) for a sandwich. I'm alternating between being annoyed and a bit disappointed by his reaction and feeling like a right stingy cow for not letting him have a sandwich, any other time he would have been welcome but I don't feel up to walking to the shop and there's not really anything else in I could have managed with. So, was I unreasonable? Not even sure whether to tell DH in case he thinks I was so opinions would be great.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 30/07/2021 09:26

He's 25 for fucks sake and the op is unwell. She also has nothing else in to eat. Think back to what you were all doing at 25, I owned my own house and was a ward sister.

He could have offered to pop to the shops

Frazzledd · 30/07/2021 09:29

The OP didn't 'deny' him a sandwich, she just asked for a lift to the shop to get some more in because that was the last of it!?

Would you (as a 25 year old!) just help yourself to last of something in a house you don't live in (parents or not) without even asking or telling them, when they are obviously unwell knowing they're unable to get to the shop!? Ridiculous.

As for the 'keeping extras in just incase you have visitors', bullshit! We're not all pantry stocked Nigellas, the OP had enough in for her, is unwell, alone and wasn't expecting being sandwich bombed....

Hope your feeling better OP.

Sparklingbrook · 30/07/2021 09:38

What did he actually call round for? Not just to make a snack?

I don't see why he needs a key, I'd be getting that back.

ineedsun · 30/07/2021 09:39

My brother’s 50, emigrated, bought numerous houses, has two grown up kids, nursed his wife through terminal illness and is the senior HCP in his profession for the state but when he comes home (I.e. to mum and dads house where actually he’s never lived), he goes straight to the fridge to find food. Because for a lot of people that’s what you do at home, and parents don’t mind (and actually quite like it). It’s almost as if some people think this behaviour means you’re somehow incompetent as opposed to just comfortable at home. The fact that he did this when his dad isn’t at home, to me is a huge compliment. How would he realise that the OP has planned out every morsel of food? As seen by this thread, that’s not typical of a lot of households.

Clearly (again) he overreacted to being asked to go to the shop.

Again (although OP seems to have disappeared) it sounds like a rational conversation is needed, no apologies necessarily, just clearing the air and setting clear boundaries if they need to change.

Sparklingbrook · 30/07/2021 09:42

Even if i went round to my parent's house I'd ask before helping myself to their food.
But then I wouldn't be dropping by to make a sandwich TBF.

Frazzledd · 30/07/2021 09:42

Yes, and??@WashimalOP complained to his father, so why not his mother? I didn't think speaking to a parent was age-dependent. Or that mothers stopped guiding their children once they become 25

Of course it's age dependant, he's a grown man! If he still needs 'guidance' like this from his mother at 25 he's got far more problems than being without a ham sandwich!

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 30/07/2021 09:52

He finished the bread and you asked him kindly to get some more in. He acted like a stroppy teenager. Why has OP got to be careful how she words things or careful to not upset him/make him feel unwelcome. He's an adult ffs. You've done nothing wrong at all OP.

Sparklingbrook · 30/07/2021 09:54

He's handled the bread and stuffed it back in the bag. OP still needs bread.

ObviousNameChage · 30/07/2021 10:10

He caused the issue with his reaction to being asked to buy more bread. Up until then neither him or OP were really unreasonable.

If people feel unwelcome just because they're asked to buy a loaf of bread, that's on them.

iklboo · 30/07/2021 10:19

As I’ve repeatedly said, he behaved badly, but I can see his side too.

What other side? 'Oh, hi John. Ooh, that's the last of the bread & ham. Can you please nip your the shop before you go and get me some more in?'

MASSIVE STROP.

It's not like OP tore the food out of his starving grasp & kicked him out of the house telling him never to darken the doorstep again.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/07/2021 10:31

at the people who think the OP is being unreasonable here.

Woodmarsh · 30/07/2021 10:34

To those saying OP made him unwelcome that's fine cuz he was unwelcome!

Turning up to a parents house that you haven't lived in at 25 when they aren't there and helping yourself to the last of their bread is rude and entitled. Being rude to their poorly OH when they protest is just spoilt brat behaviour

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 10:38

I also can see both sides, the op is honest, he was unwelcome, and clearly he got that message, he popped in to collect something, and was making a sandwich whilst there, my daughter would be more than welcome to do this, and I’d not bat an eye lid.

However I’d not just have three bits of bread and two bits of ham in as my only food for a day , and I think that puts me in a privaleged position, like many of us on here, lots of people can’t afford food sadly and buy only what they absolutely need.

I suspect something else was going on with him and he reacted badly and the op did make him feel quite unwelcome, because he was.

aliyia84 · 30/07/2021 10:49

@Aquamarine1029

He's 25, not 10, FFS. He should have asked before he helped himself to your food. What a self-absorbed little twat.

This. Laughing at all the "oh you made the poor lamb feel unwelcome" comments. He's a grown man ffs. With no manners, clearly.

aliyia84 · 30/07/2021 10:51

@Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis

She has to be careful not to upset him and tiptoe on eggshells around him until he's 50, of course. Because he's a step child. That's how it works on MN. Apparently

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 10:52

I think people just have different ways of treating their adult kids. For me, my daughter is 24 , I’d be very happy for her to make a sandwich in my home, if I wasn’t right there, I consider it her home too. But I’m in a more privileged position with food, so that may change it

aliyia84 · 30/07/2021 10:53

@Sparklingbrook

Even if i went round to my parent's house I'd ask before helping myself to their food. But then I wouldn't be dropping by to make a sandwich TBF.

Same. I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't do this in my dad's house. I wouldn't have done it at 25, either. Because I have manners and I'm not an entitled spoilt brat.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/07/2021 10:56

I'm sure the OP would have been happy for him to have a sandwich if there had been spare food available.

But the fact is that there wasn't, and she is ill, with no transport.

So she, quite reasonably, asked the person with transport who caused the unplanned food shortage to rectify the situation.

And some people think this is unreasonable? What next? She should do without, in case a man might feel he has more claim to the food she planned to eat?

aliyia84 · 30/07/2021 10:56

Can you ring up his mother (since he lives with her) and tell her how hurt you were and explain the situation? She may be able to make him feel remorse/apologise to you.

🤦🏼‍♀️ at 25 years of age.... No wonder many men lack emotional intelligence and the initiative to do things for themselves if this is how they are parented.

Kalvinette · 30/07/2021 11:05

Well hes 25 and still lives with mummy, I'm not surprised hes unthinking and entitled

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 11:06

I think it would have made the world of difference if you'd come down and said hi, and then said "Oh, I'm glad you've popped by, I'm not feeling very well and, without a car, can't get to the shop - is there any chance you could go and get me a loaf?"
......rather than making him feel unwelcome in what is one of his two homes.
Same difference, but without the accusatory tone.

Though I do think it ridiculous that if you can actually only eat bread at certain times, that you wouldn't make room for some in your freezer.

aliyia84 · 30/07/2021 11:09

@BackforGood

I think it would have made the world of difference if you'd come down and said hi, and then said "Oh, I'm glad you've popped by, I'm not feeling very well and, without a car, can't get to the shop - is there any chance you could go and get me a loaf?" ......rather than making him feel unwelcome in what is one of his two homes. Same difference, but without the accusatory tone.

Though I do think it ridiculous that if you can actually only eat bread at certain times, that you wouldn't make room for some in your freezer.

I love how posters are advising OP on how she might have used some social and communication skills differently in this situation, with no regard for how a 25 year old adult man might have better used his, too.

Woodmarsh · 30/07/2021 11:16

...rather than making him feel unwelcome in what is one of his two homes. @BackforGood he's 25 he doesn't need 2 homes and if he does he should be contributing towards food not taking the last available food from from an ill person whose only home it is.

If I were you OP I'd be taking my key back

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 30/07/2021 11:22

I love the way posters have inferred an "accusatory tone" almost as if they were actually there......

aliyia84 · 30/07/2021 11:24

If I were you OP I'd be taking my key back

Me too.

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