AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

[HedgehogHarry]

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

I’m sure when the little one gets a bit older there’ll be plenty of trips with just him. They could easily do that now too.

Don’t always assume the younger ones will get “their turn” when they’re older. Anything could happen. The grandparents could die at some point and then it’s too late? Bit morbid I know but these things happen and the father should be making the most of each trip to see them with his children. I know I would if I only saw my parents twice a year.

And just going back to younger children getting their turn, my children haven’t had the same as their older half sibling had with their shared paternal grandparents. Not because they’re ill or too old, but because it’s a case of “been there done that. Can’t be bothered now.” Sometimes you have to live in the moment rather than just think oh they’ll get their turn when they’re older. Because when it comes to it it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes being the youngest, that child gets the bum deal. I know people don’t think that and that it’s always the oldest that misses out, but the youngest children miss out too.

I know this isn’t necessarily the grandparents’ fault in the OP’s case and it’s a case of a father wanting an easy trip, but when you’re that child excluded from seeing your own grandparents because it’s not convenient for you to be there or it’s “more exciting” with just the older children, it’s hurtful. Hurtful to the child who can’t express it and hurtful to the people who love that child and care about their well-being.

He needs to take all of them on this trip.

Do the DSC live with you? If not I don't think it's unfair at all. It's a couple of days with the older kids. With my 2 DC I sometimes just do things with the older one that maybe the younger one would enjoy but would maybe make it more difficult etc.

It's not at all a big deal. Your DC lives with their dad so I think begrudging your step children a weekend away is ott

@IamnotSethRogan

Do the DSC live with you? If not I don't think it's unfair at all. It's a couple of days with the older kids. With my 2 DC I sometimes just do things with the older one that maybe the younger one would enjoy but would maybe make it more difficult etc.

It's not at all a big deal. Your DC lives with their dad so I think begrudging your step children a weekend away is ott

She doesn’t begrudge them a weekend with their Dad… She begrudges her DC missing out on the possibly only trip of the year to see their Grandparents.

The Dad could easily take the DSC somewhere else rather than the rare trip to the Grandparents

She doesn’t begrudge them a weekend with their Dad… She begrudges her DC missing out on the possibly only trip of the year to see their Grandparents.

This isn’t a month long, once in a lifetime trip to Disney world. They’re going to see their grandparents for a weekend.
I think it would be worse if DH had booked a properly holiday for just him and his older DCs but he’s just going to visit his parents for one weekend.

I’m sure they could arrange for DH to take their joint child there in a couple of weeks time - drive up Friday after work and leave late Sunday.
It’ll be nice for the younger one to spend some time with just his dad and grandparents and gives OP a break.

So many posts trying to pretend it's OK just because OP is a step mother. First families are supposed to come first to some twisted minds. It really is time MNHQ dealt with the step mother baiters. Some of them are deeply unpleasant people.

But I got deleted yesterday for pointing that out.

@DancesWithTortoises it's not anti step mother it's just saying all things don't have to be the same all the time for all your children. Even if it was a situation where they all lived together, the DH might want to just take the older kids and maybe do activities that weren't appropriate for a 4 year old.

And similarly it would be hard having children that you don't live with all the time so I don't think it's too awful to want to spend some extra time with them

Even if it was a situation where they all lived together, the DH might want to just take the older kids and maybe do activities that weren't appropriate for a 4 year old. this makes sense and I agree totally they don't have to do everything all together. But this is visiting grandparents not just any old activity. A 4 year old is perfectly capable of joining in most activities unless they are going to a theme park or parachuting out a plane maybe.

So many posts trying to pretend it's OK just because OP is a step mother. First families are supposed to come first to some twisted minds. It really is time MNHQ dealt with the step mother baiters. Some of them are deeply unpleasant people.

Oh FFS! Stop projecting!!
This is nothing about OP being a step mother, this is about whether her DH is treating his children unfairly.

I’m sure there’s lots of things the youngest one does or gets that the older ones don’t (not including time) but it’s not unfair as they don’t need to have/do everything exactly the same.
Very often the younger child will get more presents at Xmas - it’s not unfair as their presents are cheaper toys whilst the older ones get more expensive iPads and things.

The facts are they could go and see his parents any weekend they like. Yes it’s far but it’s not impossible. And any of those weekends he could take his youngest son without OP for a bit of fatherly bonding.
The 12 year old especially is probably getting to an age where they’re not going to want to do as many things with their dad and grandparents so it’s one of the last chances he’ll get before they turn into Kevin the teenager.

The fact is they could go and see them every week. But also a fact is that they don't. They go once or twice a year and that's been the routine for years.
So you can say what you like about what they could do - what they actually do is different and OP has said this is unlikely to change.
The OPs child probably won't see his grandparents this year, and his siblings will. That's what it boils down to. Not whataboutery about iPads and theme parks.

@Youseethethingis

The fact is they could go and see them every week. But also a fact is that they don't. They go once or twice a year and that's been the routine for years. So you can say what you like about what they could do - what they actually do is different and OP has said this is unlikely to change. The OPs child probably won't see his grandparents this year, and his siblings will. That's what it boils down to. Not whataboutery about iPads and theme parks.

This.

The fact is they could go and see them every week. But also a fact is that they don't. They go once or twice a year and that's been the routine for years.

But that’s their choice. They could choose to visit them more often or invite them to theirs, so maybe they’re both being unfair that their children don’t get to see their grandparents very often.
If they continue to choose to go twice then the youngest can go when DH goes the second time.

I bet if OP has said her DH had booked a weekend at Butlins for the older ones everyone saying ‘but it’s about visiting the grandparents’ would be saying how that’s unfair too.

If DH says he’s happy to take younger child at some point during summer holidays then that is a valid option too. Would be nice for little one to have everything focused on them and could work very well. As long as it actually happens, of course.

I bet if OP has said her DH had booked a weekend at Butlins for the older ones everyone saying ‘but it’s about visiting the grandparents’ would be saying how that’s unfair too.

No, I wouldn’t. It’s entirely different.

I’m actually very much about respecting step children's’ need to have regular time alone with their 50% parent if at all possible.

Yeah Butlins isn't a great example of the point your making, which I completely get.
I can see why Alton Towers would be better for the older kids without the younger one, as an example. Maybe a trip to see their football team. All sorts of stuff that wouldn't be that great for a 4 year old but amazing for the older kids, and let them spend some time with dad. Even just out for a pizza is a win in my DSDs case because DS is 2 and at the stage of making meal times quite hard work! I'm looking forward to going out with DH without him myself this weekend to be honest!

So yeah, not a trip to see dear old granny and grandad, that's totally different.

I agree with you 100%.

Your OH is being unreasonable and mean to his own child. He should take ALL the dc.

It’s always the same on here. Step children must be invited to everything and never miss out but it doesn’t matter if the 2nd families children miss out.

OP you sound as if you resent your step children having even a minute extra with the mutual grandparents than your own child, why are you so desperate for it to be even? You sound jealous of their relationship being stronger but surely that's natural as they're older anyway?

@MiniCooperLover

OP you sound as if you resent your step children having even a minute extra with the mutual grandparents than your own child, why are you so desperate for it to be even? You sound jealous of their relationship being stronger but surely that's natural as they're older anyway?

She just sounds like she doesn’t want her child left out.

That’s it.

@MiniCooperLover

OP you sound as if you resent your step children having even a minute extra with the mutual grandparents than your own child, why are you so desperate for it to be even? You sound jealous of their relationship being stronger but surely that's natural as they're older anyway?

Oh for goodness sake.

Barney331, oh for goodness sake what ??!? At least say something useful 🤷‍♀️ Families often have lots of children and they get split up to do things. I was one of 4 in the early 80s, my parents often took 2 on one trip, two another, it made their lives easier. OP insists she doesn't mind if her DH does things with SC without their mutual child as long as it doesn't involve the grandparents ../ so to me it reads like 'as long as I agree with it'. No, they're his parents, he's allowed to see his parents. And people have made it clear the ages make taking a 4 year old along a very different trip. So the OP will clearly never agree to a trip to the grandparents without the SC I assume?

MiniCooper sounds as if she knew what she wanted to read and so she just read that, regardless of what OP has actually said.

If DH says he’s happy to take younger child at some point during summer holidays then that is a valid option too. Would be nice for little one to have everything focused on them and could work very well. As long as it actually happens, of course.

Yes I agree and I think it would work out really nicely for everyone.
It would be a lot more relaxed just having the little one instead of trying to entertain 3 so he’ll probably love it.

I know a couple who have 2 biological children and the dad takes the daughter away to watch formula 1 racing for a few days as they both love it and then he takes the son away for a few days to go skiing. The mum takes the daughter to London for a shopping and theatre weekend and then she takes the son away to do something else. Obviously not everyone can afford to keep going away on trips like they do but I think it’s nice having some 1-1 time with just one parent and there’s never any jealousy as they know they get fine with their parent a different time.

Where did this originate? Did the older siblings ask for it to be just them ? You say custody is 50/50 so could it be as simple as them wanting time alone with dad? For dsc, the 4 yr old has dad all to himself for half the time . Worth considering?

@MiniCooperLover

OP you sound as if you resent your step children having even a minute extra with the mutual grandparents than your own child, why are you so desperate for it to be even? You sound jealous of their relationship being stronger but surely that's natural as they're older anyway?

The older children have a stronger relationship because they happened to be born before, therefore the 4 year old gets left out which means he has an even less strong bond with his grandparents? Are you for real?

So the OP will clearly never agree to a trip to the grandparents without the SC I assume?

OP has already said they have never been to GPs without the SC and wouldn't because they don't go often and the SC enjoy going. So it's not a case of her child gets time alone with them, they don't. All children see these grandparents an equal amount of time. And because she doesn't want her child to miss out and be left behind from a trip to see family they rarely get to see and which they will be upset at missing out on she apparently resents her step children?

I said for goodness sake because it's a ridiculous leap and I'm not even sure you've actually read what OP has said.

Of course he can go and see his parents when he wants. His wife is also allowed to think it's pretty shitty to leave out his youngest child. There's lots of things I could do if I wanted to and wouldn't need permission to do them, but I actually give a fuck about the feelings of my husband and children so you know I consider them when I'm doing it.

No one is saying that the Dad shouldn't do something alone with his older children but just that this isn't the thing to do. OP has even suggested they all go and her husband takes the older ones out with grandparents whilst they are there but at least that way her child gets to see their GPs as well. What's so bad about that?

We've no idea why they only see them once or twice a year, we can't comment on how easy it should or is for these visits to be increased as we don't know the circumstances. But if it is once or twice a year it should include all of the children!

And yes you are likely to have a stronger bond with some grandchildren if you're leaving out others. Doesn't make it right.

I bet if OP has said her DH had booked a weekend at Butlins for the older ones everyone saying ‘but it’s about visiting the grandparents’ would be saying how that’s unfair too.

It’s Ok I suppose if the younger one gets to go somewhere too. A weekend at Haven just concentrating on the younger child for example sounds lovely if the older ones get to go to Butlins.

Getting a balance to make sure all the children have quality time is completely fine. What isn’t fine is if the older ones get to go to lots of nice places and get to have all the fun while the younger ones just get a trip to the park and are expected to be grateful for that just because mummy and daddy still live together.

If you expect the older ones to have quality time alone then you need to accept that younger one deserves it too and that it’s owed to them.
Older children do change the dynamics and can “spoil” it for younger ones just as much as younger ones “spoil” it for older ones. So let’s not pretend that it’s just the youngest children getting people’s way.