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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

296 replies

HedgehogHarry · 29/07/2021 19:34

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

OP posts:
Barney331 · 30/07/2021 14:48

I'm interested to know how you expect OPs child to ever have as strong a bond with their GPs if it's okay for them to not see them because they happened to be born last.

Obviously I shouldn't bother with my second child, I have a stronger bond with the first because he's been around longer Hmm

Barney331 · 30/07/2021 14:51

I actually wouldn't care at all about a Butlins weekend or a camping trip with Dad or whatever.

But all this talk of leaving one child out of a trip to see their own family which they rarely see because their bond isn't as strong because they haven't been around as long or because everyone would enjoy it more without them is horrible and quite nasty and I suspect is projection from a lot of poster's who are gleeful at seeing a resident child miss out.

This is a child's feelings we're talking about. The hypocrisy on this subject is clear as day.

Barney331 · 30/07/2021 14:54

And if in a year's time OP comes back and says they are taking their youngest away alone to see GPs and SC are upset because they aren't allowed to go, and her reasoning is because it will be much more fun for everyone if they didn't have to cater for pesky older kids or because they have had their chance to bond for longer and now it's youngest turn, I hope you keep your mouths tightly sealed. I doubt it though.

Youseethethingis · 30/07/2021 14:56

@Barney331
Just saw a pig flap past my window...

Meraas · 30/07/2021 14:56

@MiniCooperLover

Barney331, oh for goodness sake what ??!? At least say something useful 🤷‍♀️ Families often have lots of children and they get split up to do things. I was one of 4 in the early 80s, my parents often took 2 on one trip, two another, it made their lives easier. OP insists she doesn't mind if her DH does things with SC without their mutual child as long as it doesn't involve the grandparents ../

OP hasn't said that at all let alone insisted Hmm

She said she doesn't mind DH doing things with his elder DC alone but this feels different, because this is a rare visit to see DGPs that won't happen again for a while because they live so far away.

so to me it reads like 'as long as I agree with it'. No, they're his parents, he's allowed to see his parents.

No one has said he's not, leaving his younger son behind is very mean.

You are either have blinkers on or are goading OP.

AnneElliott · 30/07/2021 15:00

No I don't think your DH is being fair here. Fine to take the older ones out somewhere they'll enjoy but to mutual grandparents seems mean.

funinthesun19 · 30/07/2021 15:01

And if in a year's time OP comes back and says they are taking their youngest away alone to see GPs and SC are upset because they aren't allowed to go, and her reasoning is because it will be much more fun for everyone if they didn't have to cater for pesky older kids or because they have had their chance to bond for longer and now it's youngest turn, I hope you keep your mouths tightly sealed.

No bloody chance will people keep their mouths shut because it’s one rule for one child and another rule for another child. Makes me so mad. Angry

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2021 15:57

But this isn't a family holiday.

Its ONE weekend that dh takes dsc on a trip, your splitting hairs saying you don't mind them going away but they cant go to grandparents.

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2021 15:58

If its that unfair then get dh to take the 4 year old by themselves a couple of weeks after.

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2021 15:59

But all the SC love going to grandparents. They live a long way away so visiting them is an event and if OP’s DC is not included then DC will not get to see grandparents this year at all.

It’s unfair.

There’s no coherent or logical reason why one child is being excluded.

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2021 16:00

All DC

funinthesun19 · 30/07/2021 16:12

Its ONE weekend that dh takes dsc on a trip, your splitting hairs saying you don't mind them going away but they cant go to grandparents.

If they saw each other all the time (and the grandparents had just as strong a relationship with the youngest as the oldest) it wouldn’t really be a problem would it?

But it’s the fact that they barely see their grandparents, and on the very rare occasion their father chooses to visit he just plans on taking his older children. Yep, that’s really fair.
Could you do that?

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 16:15

If the GPs die he will wish they'd had as many opportunities with all the children as he could give them.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 16:46

But this isn't a family holiday.

Its ONE weekend that dh takes dsc on a trip, your splitting hairs saying you don't mind them going away but they cant go to grandparents.

I completely agree.

The truth is OP is feeling left out and wants to go with them.
She said she’d be happy for them all to go and DH and PIL take the SDCs out for the day (leaving the youngest out) and there’s nothing to stop DH taking their youngest separately a different time but I bet OP wouldn’t want that. Which I do understand and would feel left out too but this is about DH and his parents spending some quality time with the SDCs without the youngest or OP which they haven’t been able to do for 4 years - that doesn’t mean they don’t love the youngest and OP, it just means they want some time just them which is fine.
As long as the youngest gets to see his grandparents too then I can’t see anything wrong with it.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/07/2021 17:00

@toocold54

And the OP said that it was very doubtful that the dad would ever take just the 4 year old. Did you forget there's a "see all" function?

funinthesun19 · 30/07/2021 17:07

Which I do understand and would feel left out too but this is about DH and his parents spending some quality time with the SDCs without the youngest or OP which they haven’t been able to do for 4 years - that doesn’t mean they don’t love the youngest and OP, it just means they want some time just them which is fine.

Gosh you’re really ripping in to this 4 year old today aren’t you? He’s one big inconvenience to everybody isn’t he?

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2021 17:11

Conversely the four year old has never ever had one on one time with his grandparents.

Clearly the DSC should be left behind and the four year old taken for one on one time. They older DC can have time with their dad later.

That’s such a stupid thing to say.

Its irrelevant whether the DC are full siblings or not. You do not exclude one child from a family visit.

H is being a dickhead.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 17:48

Gosh you’re really ripping in to this 4 year old today aren’t you? He’s one big inconvenience to everybody isn’t he?

Oh dear.
No one has ‘ripped’ into the 4 year old. I’m sure there’s times OP takes him to her parents without her DH. I’m sure they both take him for days out with the SC.
As I said I always do stuff with my nieces but as there are age differences I’ll often take the older ones as a group and take the younger ones a different time. I also take them out individually to get some 1-1 time with them. No matter how many DC or SDC I may have I will always spend time with them 1-1 I’m nit sure how that is offensive to the others.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 17:53

And the OP said that it was very doubtful that the dad would ever take just the 4 year old. Did you forget there's a "see all" function?

@JesusIsAnyNameFree
yes I have read all of OPs posts. Just because she is ‘doubtful’ doesn’t mean they’ve actually had the conversation.

If OP had came on here and said DH wants to take SDCs for the weekend but has said he’ll never want to take joint DC for a weekend as he doesn’t want to spend time alone with him/the PIL don’t like him etc - then I’d be completely on OPs side but that’s why I’ve said several times to arrange a weekend in the next few weeks where DH takes the joint DC on his own to PIL. As it would be nice for joint DC to also spend some 1-1 time with his dad and grandparents.

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2021 17:56

@toocold54

Gosh you’re really ripping in to this 4 year old today aren’t you? He’s one big inconvenience to everybody isn’t he?

Oh dear.
No one has ‘ripped’ into the 4 year old. I’m sure there’s times OP takes him to her parents without her DH. I’m sure they both take him for days out with the SC.
As I said I always do stuff with my nieces but as there are age differences I’ll often take the older ones as a group and take the younger ones a different time. I also take them out individually to get some 1-1 time with them. No matter how many DC or SDC I may have I will always spend time with them 1-1 I’m nit sure how that is offensive to the others.

It’s not because the father is spending one on one time alone with the older children.

It’s because the youngest will not get to see his parental grandparents at all this year if he is not taken along.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 18:18

It’s because the youngest will not get to see his parental grandparents at all this year if he is not taken along.

And if the grandparents lived in a different country I would agree that the youngest should go. But they live a few hours away and I find it hard to believe that the DH has no weekends off again this year to take him.
Worst comes to worst the PIL can visit them at theirs or meet half way.

Zombiemum1946 · 30/07/2021 18:20

Having reread your posts, I think you really need to pin down dh on why he wants to leave the little one behind.

MiniCooperLover · 30/07/2021 19:28

Probably just as simple as if it's a long drive it's so much easier without a younger child than with 🤷‍♀️

Vanilla1Cookies · 30/07/2021 19:30

@toocold54 didn’t the op already say she doesn’t think he would just take their joint DC on his own? So that’s not a option.

Vanilla1Cookies · 30/07/2021 19:32

@toocold54

Gosh you’re really ripping in to this 4 year old today aren’t you? He’s one big inconvenience to everybody isn’t he?

Oh dear.
No one has ‘ripped’ into the 4 year old. I’m sure there’s times OP takes him to her parents without her DH. I’m sure they both take him for days out with the SC.
As I said I always do stuff with my nieces but as there are age differences I’ll often take the older ones as a group and take the younger ones a different time. I also take them out individually to get some 1-1 time with them. No matter how many DC or SDC I may have I will always spend time with them 1-1 I’m nit sure how that is offensive to the others.

The OP taking their child to HER parents isn’t the same. They are not related to the dsc and I’m sure the dsc gets to see their mums grandparents anyway. It’s not comparable.