AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

[HedgehogHarry]

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

@toocold54

If they get upset we'll just have to tell them that their younger sibling will have a better time without them there so it's tough.

I think you’re being a bit petty now.
Of course it’s fine for you to do stuff without the SDC and I’m sure you do but you don’t tell them their sibling would have a better time without them.

The fact is these are your DHs parents and they probably had lots of trips there before you were on the scene.
It’s nothing against you or your joint child if they want to do things with their own little family.
As a single mother myself I will always do things just me and my DD and that includes spending time at my mums like we always have.

Why don’t you take your son to your parents for the weekend?
You’ll probably find it’s nice seeing them without your DH. Have you never done this before?

Even if you had another child? You would exclude your second child from a trip To see much loved grandparents that they only get to see once per year, so just your older child can go? I really don't think OP is objecting to her DH spending time with the DSC without joint DC, she is objecting to him taking them to see much loved grandparents without DC who, as a result, won't get to see them for another year. That's not quite the same as raking DSC on a long weekend to something age appropriate without DC at all.

this is about DH and his parents spending some quality time with the SDCs without the youngest or OP which they haven’t been able to do for 4 years

Why is the 4 year old a problem? They are a family. They are all their grandchildren.

It feels like some posters are forgetting the grandparents are all of the kids's GPs. Not just step DSC.

@toocold54

It’s because the youngest will not get to see his parental grandparents at all this year if he is not taken along.

And if the grandparents lived in a different country I would agree that the youngest should go. But they live a few hours away and I find it hard to believe that the DH has no weekends off again this year to take him.
Worst comes to worst the PIL can visit them at theirs or meet half way.

It doesn’t matter where the GP live. The fact is they only see them very little so all kids should be included in the trip.

Not read the whole thread but this happened to me.
Dh took 2 dss up north to visit grandpa.
I was happy to stay home with ds on this one occasion.
They had a fantastic time.
Horse riding. Ab sailing. Etc.
It wouldn't have worked with all the family.
It was a fantastic bonding holiday for dss x 2 and also for dh and his dd.
20 years on d fil has passed.
Both dss are busy with their lives so not seen very much.
But we all talk about that holiday after all this time.
Let them go knowing everyone will benefit from this.

@Robin233

Not read the whole thread but this happened to me. Dh took 2 dss up north to visit grandpa. I was happy to stay home with ds on this one occasion. They had a fantastic time. Horse riding. Ab sailing. Etc. It wouldn't have worked with all the family. It was a fantastic bonding holiday for dss x 2 and also for dh and his dd. 20 years on d fil has passed. Both dss are busy with their lives so not seen very much. But we all talk about that holiday after all this time. Let them go knowing everyone will benefit from this.

How old was your DS at that time?

Even if you had another child? You would exclude your second child from a trip

OP has already said she’d be happy to let DH and PIL take the SDCs out for day trips without the youngest to bond.
Surely that will make him feel more left out than if he stayed at home with his mum not knowing his siblings are at his grandparents for the weekend?

I’m not buying that OP would be happy for them to all go out for day trips leaving her som behind or for DH to book an actual short holiday for just him and his older DCs but yet isn’t happy that they’re going to PIL for a weekend which doesn’t cost much and they can make arrangements to go again a second time with only the youngest.

I can't believe some of the responses. Of course it's an awful thing to do! My 5 year old would be devastated if he missed out on a trip to see his grandparents and to see his older siblings getting ready to go, it is just cruel. Talk about emphasising a divide between them. I actually can't believe your DH would contemplate that. Does he not care about your child's feelings?!
Everyone should go, you're a family and you can do things separately when you get there!
I often think the posters that think this is fine must have very strange family relationships.

My 5 year old would be devastated if he missed out on a trip to see his grandparents and to see his older siblings getting ready to go, it is just cruel.

I agree at that age they wouldn’t understand so I wouldn’t even tell them. I’d just say that your dad is working away/going away with friends that weekend.

The fact is these are your DHs parents and they probably had lots of trips there before you were on the scene
It’s nothing against you or your joint child if they want to do things with their own little family

Their own little family? You realise you just cut a 4 year old out of his own family with that statement?

You are clearly taking the piss. No one is this thick.

@toocold54

this is about DH and his parents spending some quality time with the SDCs without the youngest or OP which they haven’t been able to do for 4 years - that doesn’t mean they don’t love the youngest and OP, it just means they want some time just them which is fine.

You’re making stuff up toocold. OP has said the DGPs would want to see the 4yo too. She has said nothing about them wanting time just with DSC. You do realise they’re all grandchildren right?!

As long as the youngest gets to see his grandparents too then I can’t see anything wrong with it.

That’s just it, he won’t, at least not for some time. It doesn’t matter why the visits are rare, the point is that they are.

You’re making stuff up toocold. OP has said the DGPs would want to see the 4yo too. She has said nothing about them wanting time just with DSC. You do realise they’re all grandchildren right?!

I never said the grandparents don’t want to see the youngest - you’re the one making stuff up.
I said it’s a chance for them to spend some time with just their son and the SDCs which they’ve not done for 4 years as OP has said they’ve never been without them - nothing about them not wanting to see the youngest, I actually said it doesn’t mean they love him any less.
I also said it would be nice for the youngest to have some alone time with them as it’s a completely different dynamic when there’s 3 kids there as it’s hard to get quality time in just one weekend.
I’m sure if DH could he would take each SC separately like lots of parents do to have proper 1-1 time but obviously when you have them 50/50 it’s difficult to do.

I said it’s a chance for them to spend some time with just their son and the SDCs which they’ve not done for 4 years as OP has said they’ve never been without them

Well, by that same standard, the 11 year old should get to go alone too. They haven't had their grandparents all to themselves for 8 bloody years, seeing as daddy dared to have another 2 kids.

@toocold54

I never said the grandparents don’t want to see the youngest - you’re the one making stuff up.
I said it’s a chance for them to spend some time with just their son and the SDCs which they’ve not done for 4 years

Actually you said ‘they want some time just them which is fine’, which means you think they don’t want 4yo to visit.

At least own what you’ve said

Actually you said ‘they want some time just them which is fine’, which means you think they don’t want 4yo to visit.

When I visit my sister it’s not because I don’t want to see my brother. What a ridiculous assumption to make!
Why are they not allowed to want to spend time with just one of them. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to see the other one it just means they’d like some quality time with them individually.
Obviously the SDCs can’t go separately so they have to have them both.

You know lots of families do things separately and they’re not always all joined at the hip? I know many parents who take one child away.
Most kids have a weekend alone at their grandparents house.
As long as everyone is treated fairly I don’t see the issue.

I am a single parent and if I had another child and my DH tried to stop me going to my mums house for a weekend with my DD even though the other child had no idea we were going and it would t impact them in any way - then I wouldn’t be with that person.

When I visit my sister it’s not because I don’t want to see my brother.

🤦🏻‍♀️

You said they want it to be ‘just them’. That means you think they don’t want 4yo to come up with DSC.

That’s just it, he won’t, at least not for some time. It doesn’t matter why the visits are rare, the point is that they are.

This was my point upthread about living in the moment and getting it done now. Not next time. NOW.
Because the visits are so rare and the fact that he’s only taking two of his children, it’s just placing so much more importance on the older children. Rare trips are important to strengthen bonds and relationships.
It’s not like the grandparents live 10 minutes away and the two older ones are visiting for a few hours, and the younger dc will be there in a day or two.

I really struggle to see how it’s so difficult to make time for 3 grandchildren at the same time. Plenty of grandparents manage it! Plenty of children get on with sharing relatives’ attention too.

@toocold54

Actually you said ‘they want some time just them which is fine’, which means you think they don’t want 4yo to visit.

When I visit my sister it’s not because I don’t want to see my brother. What a ridiculous assumption to make!
Why are they not allowed to want to spend time with just one of them. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to see the other one it just means they’d like some quality time with them individually.
Obviously the SDCs can’t go separately so they have to have them both.

You know lots of families do things separately and they’re not always all joined at the hip? I know many parents who take one child away.
Most kids have a weekend alone at their grandparents house.
As long as everyone is treated fairly I don’t see the issue.

I am a single parent and if I had another child and my DH tried to stop me going to my mums house for a weekend with my DD even though the other child had no idea we were going and it would t impact them in any way - then I wouldn’t be with that person.

Why can’t DSC be taken separately, the father can take the eldest leave his younger two DC behind. Shouldn’t be a problem 🙄

By your logic the eldest hasn’t had any alone time with his grandparents since his younger sibling came along. So apparently deserves to see his grandparents without his siblings.

When you have multiple DC you treat them equitably and in this instance there’s no good reason to leave a four year old behind.

My four year old would be devastated and would talk about it forever. She notices when she hasn’t seen her grandparents for a while and asks for them and talks about when she’s seen them and what they did together etc.

A four year old isn’t hard work, they’re toilet trained, sleep fairly well and are fine to travel.

The more I think about the more odd it sounds and surely the older siblings would also miss their younger sibling and want them to be there too.

Obviously the SDCs can’t go separately so they have to have them both.

And why is that?

You said they want it to be ‘just them’. That means you think they don’t want 4yo to come up with DSC.

Of course they want to see the 4yo I’ve said they love him just as much. But this trip it’s just SDCs and they’ll see him another time which they’re probably really looking forward to.

I feel that OP already feels that her PIL don’t like her/her DS as much as the older ones which is why she’s happier for them to have a proper holiday without 4yo DS or go out for the entire days leaving 4yo behind (which I would think would be worse) so I think it’s unfair to OP that you are trying to make out that I am implying the grandparents don’t want to see the 4yo at all when you know that is not what I meant at all! They’re just having separate trips to spend 1-1 quality time with them. Which is fine and a lot of families do this.

Why can’t DSC be taken separately, the father can take the eldest leave his younger two DC behind. Shouldn’t be a problem

Because he has them 50/50 which I assume is alternating weekends.

So either he takes one on ‘his’ weekend leaving the other one behind with OP - not really fair on the OP or child considering they come to see primarily their dad. I guess this could be an option though.

Or he takes one on the ‘mums’ weekend - meaning she had them both the weekend before and after so doesn’t get a break and she may work on these weekends which would mess it up.

The more I think about the more odd it sounds and surely the older siblings would also miss their younger sibling and want them to be there too.

My 6, 8 and 10 year olds would definitely be questioning why their 2 year old sister isn’t coming to visit relatives if they left her behind.

If the OP’s 8 and 11 year old stepchildren have always had to get on with life with each other and not always been the centre of attention because of each other, then what difference does the 4 year old’s presence make anyway?

@Takenoprisoner I remember reading a very similar thread, probably last summer

@Nengineer
You sound very bitter. Are you ok?