Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

296 replies

HedgehogHarry · 29/07/2021 19:34

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

OP posts:
Covidworries · 30/07/2021 07:55

Blended family too, im pretty easy going on most things and agree its important for eldest to have quality time with their Dad. But i wouldnt be happy in youngest being excluded to once a year grandparent visit.
Paternal grandparents live very close so we all see them often sometimes as a blended unit sometimes 1 child at a time, simetimes elder children, sometimes older. Its a non issue as location means everyone gets frequent time with grandparents. But OP situation is different because if youngest doesnt go at 4 he will likely be 5 at least before he visits. And what if the Dad wants to do eldest only again next year.

Nextchapterofmybook · 30/07/2021 07:56

YABU. Your DC sees their dad all the time and the DSC don’t. Plus age gaps mean you can do different activities with older kids.

Dragon50 · 30/07/2021 07:56

I’ve asked the OP a few times about her relationship, no answer so I suspect deeper marital issues here.

Is not a bit weird that DH doesn’t want to make a family trip out of seeing his parents? As they go only twice a year?

If they saw them all the time that’s fair enough, but leaving part of the family at home doesn’t indicate a strong harmonious relationship.

Why wasn’t OP invited either? Don’t PIL want to see the family?

Meraas · 30/07/2021 07:57

@Nextchapterofmybook

YABU. Your DC sees their dad all the time and the DSC don’t. Plus age gaps mean you can do different activities with older kids.
The point is it’s not fair for 4yo to miss out on seeing his DGPs.

DH can take his kids elsewhere.

billy1966 · 30/07/2021 08:14

YANBU.

The GP's living so far away is key here.

Sounds like he is suiting himself!

Barney331 · 30/07/2021 08:17

YABU. Your DC sees their dad all the time and the DSC don’t. Plus age gaps mean you can do different activities with older kids

Another poster missing the point 🤦‍♀️

DancesWithTortoises · 30/07/2021 08:22

I would find it hard to get past this selfishness, OP. Does he know how upset you are?

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 08:32

I suspect it would be more fun for everyone else without your son. what a horrible thing to say.

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 08:35

@Nextchapterofmybook

YABU. Your DC sees their dad all the time and the DSC don’t. Plus age gaps mean you can do different activities with older kids.
I agree but this is different. This is a visit to see GP. Not some sort of activity holiday.
Barney331 · 30/07/2021 08:37

Cool, I suspect it'll be more fun for OP if next time they go somewhere nice/on holiday or just anywhere the DSC would love to go, that they don't come, so obviously no one will mind them being left behind.

FunMcCool · 30/07/2021 08:50

I get what your saying op. It’s unfair. I’d be making it clear he was to take the youngest as well.

Youseethethingis · 30/07/2021 09:01

Your DC sees their dad all the time and the DSC don’t
This has precisely no bearing on how often they all get to see their grandparents.
Except in the case of the little one who is now apparently expected to do a straight swap - "you get to live with dad so that means it's ok if you end up with little to no relationship with your grandparents" Hmm

Youseethethingis · 30/07/2021 09:08

I'm finding the double standards here breathtaking, I really am.

  • if dad goes away with "just his little family" while the DSC are with their other parent, that's dad "leaving them behind, how could he, boo hoo"
  • dad literally leaving his wife and child behind, - as in leaving the house they all live in 100% of the time without them - is him spending special time without the child who makes it all less enjoyable for everyone and totally reasonable.

I actually do think all kids deserve one to one time with their parents, regardless of their parents marital relationships, but their comes a point where your just being a dick and I fear some PPs have crossed that line.

funinthesun19 · 30/07/2021 09:09

Your DC sees their dad all the time and the DSC don’t

Just the usual manipulative rubbish excuse to “justify” the mistreatment of second children.

Piglet208 · 30/07/2021 09:24

I would just like to add that I imagine that you also feel excluded. Assuming you and dc haven't seen gp's for a while it seems wrong that the gp trip isn't for the whole family. He can go out with just dsc while you are staying or organise a separate activity later. Unless he is prepared to do another trip this summer to the gp's with you and dc then it feels very wrong.

funinthesun19 · 30/07/2021 09:54

I suspect it would be more fun for everyone else without your son.

Why do you think this? I’ve seen plenty of families having a wonderful time with all of their children and they manage to cater to the needs and wants of everyone in the family.
My children range from 2-10, and I have no doubts about my 10 year old having a great time if his little sister is with us too.

In fact, I think he would be very upset to go on our trip away in August and leave her behind.

Toooldtobother · 30/07/2021 09:57

This thread is a shining example on mumsnet of how it's wrong to put your own children first.

funinthesun19 · 30/07/2021 10:02

What do you mean by that Toooldtobother?

PerciphonePuma · 30/07/2021 10:03

The only way this would be remotely acceptable, is if your DH as soon as he arrived home, picked up your DC, turned round and went back again! For the exact same length of time.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/07/2021 10:07

@PerciphonePuma

The only way this would be remotely acceptable, is if your DH as soon as he arrived home, picked up your DC, turned round and went back again! For the exact same length of time.
But the OP has already said they do things with the youngest without the older ones so if that’s the case they need the same treatment when that happens. If the OP is insisting the youngest goes, then they need to be included in everything as well.
Thortful · 30/07/2021 10:11

My parents used to enjoy having one of the grandchildren at a time sometimes. It's a whole different dynamic to having everyone all at once.
I also think it's tough being the stepchild, and the chance of a weekend with just dad and grandparents is probably quite nice.

PerciphonePuma · 30/07/2021 10:14

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss You've misunderstood. OP has already said that it's only an issue because seeing the paternal grandparents is only a twice yearly thing!

I'm not suggesting that EVERYTHING must be mirrored! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Youseethethingis · 30/07/2021 10:14

But the OP has already said they do things with the youngest without the older ones so if that’s the case they need the same treatment when that happens. If the OP is insisting the youngest goes, then they need to be included in everything as well
"Things" are not the same as a trip to rarely seen mutual grandparents 🙄
Insisting the eldest go wherever the the youngest goes would mean the youngest never leaving the house for 50% of their life, meanwhile the eldest get to live 100% of their life. Which would be stupid.
We are taking my DS to soft play this weekend. My DSD would love to go, but she's away for the weekend visiting her maternal grandmother. We won't see her for a few weeks now as DH and ex swapped things about so that they could also fit in a trip to see maternal grandfather, a few hundred miles away in a different direction.
No problem, not mutual grandparents, nothing to do with my DS, DSD has been looking forward to it for ages and I hope she has a lovely time.
My son won't be sitting at home waiting for her to come back, but we did delay a trip to see their mutual paternal grandparents by a few weeks so that we could all go together because to go there without DSD would be really unnecessarily mean.

Ninkanink · 30/07/2021 10:31

🙄🙄 at ‘wrong to put your own children first.’

His youngest child is also his child, and said child will miss out on seeing his/her grandparents! That is not fair.

The older children can be taken out, and even taken away for weekend trips, by dad for extra bonding time. Or mum might be able to take little one to stay with family sometimes so that dad can spend time with the older ones. That balances out the fact that they don’t get to see their dad 50% of the time. But taking them to the children’s joint grandparents, who are also the youngest child’s grandparents, is just not nice!

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 10:40

The question is only about the fairness of the 4yo being excluded from a specific trip to see GPs that they all only see once a year. Not about them spending time alone with their Dad.

If they lived in Australia then fair enough but it is possible to see them more than once a year.
My parents used to live 7 hours away and I’d see them at least 4 times a year.
They could also meet halfway or come to OPs for a weekend if OP and her DH don’t drive.
I’m sure when the little one gets a bit older there’ll be plenty of trips with just him. They could easily do that now too.

I feel this is less about the 4 year old missing out as he wouldn’t even know and more OP being upset that she’s missing out/hurt she’s not been invited.