Page 12 | AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

HedgehogHarry · 2021-07-29T18:34:04+00:00

1 DC and 2 DSC. My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there. My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true). AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often. AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

DancesWithTortoises · 31/07/2021 08:43

@Nengineer

Is there a limit on the number of times he is allowed to go? His kids, his parents. And perhaps his kids would like to be with their dad and grandparents as themselves rather than add ons of the sparkly new family. You don't sound as if you like them much. Poor kids.

What a vile way to talk about a child. "Sparkly new family".

Bitter and twisted, perhaps?

Nengineer · 31/07/2021 08:46

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NeedNewKnees · 31/07/2021 08:48

A four year old isn’t hard work, they’re toilet trained, sleep fairly well and are fine to travel

Actually, 4yo are knackering, once you’re well passed that stage. Balls of energy, sod all safety awareness, little stamina compared to 8-11yo so get very cranky… then restored to energy and are firecrackers again. I love my neighbour’s 4yo and enjoy having him for an afternoon to help out, but Christ on a bike, it’s definitely tiring.

DancesWithTortoises · 31/07/2021 08:49

@Nengineer

Read the OP. There's bitterness.

Only in your head.

How do you justify being horrible about a child?

Nengineer · 31/07/2021 09:41

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funinthesun19 · 31/07/2021 10:03

And perhaps his kids would like to be with their dad and grandparents as themselves rather than add ons of the sparkly new family.

Oh for goodness sake. Get a GRIP.

What about when mums go on to have more children? Is that a “shiny new family” too? Or is it just when dads have more children?

funinthesun19 · 31/07/2021 10:07

Actually, 4yo are knackering, once you’re well passed that stage. Balls of energy, sod all safety awareness, little stamina compared to 8-11yo so get very cranky… then restored to energy and are firecrackers again. I love my neighbour’s 4yo and enjoy having him for an afternoon to help out, but Christ on a bike, it’s definitely tiring.

Is the world of mumsnet unable to cope with 4 year olds all of a sudden? The op just wants to take him to see his grandparents. That doesn’t sound like much.

Zombiemum1946 · 31/07/2021 10:42

Dh needs to explain this to dc, he has to take full blame for this. You're entitled to a full explanation as to why he thinks this is okay . There is clearly an underlying reason for this that he hasn't told you about.

clickychicky · 31/07/2021 10:53

@Nengineer

Is there a limit on the number of times he is allowed to go? His kids, his parents. And perhaps his kids would like to be with their dad and grandparents as themselves rather than add ons of the sparkly new family. You don't sound as if you like them much. Poor kids.

They aren't add ons. They were there and then a baby was born.

It's not sparkly and new It's at least 4 years old. I could understand your point if it was the first year OP and DH were together as they need time to adjust. But it's not. The way the family will bond is by doing these sort of family visits together.

You sound as if you don't like second families very much.

Robin233 · 31/07/2021 17:05

@frazzledasarock
Robin233
Not read the whole thread but this happened to me.
Dh took 2 dss up north to visit grandpa.
I was happy to stay home with ds on this one occasion.
They had a fantastic time.
Horse riding. Ab sailing. Etc.
It wouldn't have worked with all the family.
It was a fantastic bonding holiday for dss x 2 and also for dh and his dd.
20 years on d fil has passed.
Both dss are busy with their lives so not seen very much.
But we all talk about that holiday after all this time.
Let them go knowing everyone will benefit from this.
How old was your DS at that time?
^^
I think 7 - dss 16 and 17
My dd 11/12
We’d all been the year before and there is lovely photo of dh , fil , ds and dd canoeing.
It was Scotland.

SpanishLady · 01/08/2021 02:20

Perhaps it's the grandparents suggestion?

Op have you spoken to your Dh yet?

funinthesun19 · 01/08/2021 10:06

It doesn’t really make it any better if it was the grandparents’ suggestion to be honest.

SpongebobNoPants · 01/08/2021 10:25

Jesus Christ @Nengineer you are vile!

1mumm · 02/08/2021 05:49

[quote Robin233]@frazzledasarock
Robin233
Not read the whole thread but this happened to me.
Dh took 2 dss up north to visit grandpa.
I was happy to stay home with ds on this one occasion.
They had a fantastic time.
Horse riding. Ab sailing. Etc.
It wouldn't have worked with all the family.
It was a fantastic bonding holiday for dss x 2 and also for dh and his dd.
20 years on d fil has passed.
Both dss are busy with their lives so not seen very much.
But we all talk about that holiday after all this time.
Let them go knowing everyone will benefit from this.
How old was your DS at that time?
^^
I think 7 - dss 16 and 17
My dd 11/12
We’d all been the year before and there is lovely photo of dh , fil , ds and dd canoeing.
It was Scotland.[/quote]
^ Agree. This is the way it would work in most happy families I know. Sounds like lovely couples and sensible mums.

Mickarooni · 02/08/2021 09:57

@Nengineer

I'm not. I'm being horrible about the OP

@Nengineer

You referred to a 4 year old as an “add on in a sparkly new family”. How is that not a horrible way to describe a child?! I have younger half siblings and I’d be highly offended to hear them referred to in that way.

Nengineer · 02/08/2021 10:05

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funinthesun19 · 02/08/2021 11:55

Nengineer that’s just family life when you have multiple children. Trips away to see relatives don’t revolve around one set of children.

Vanilla1Cookies · 02/08/2021 12:18

@Nengineer

No I'm saying that the poor stepchildren are not allowed time with their father alone. The OP sounds insecure as if he should only see them with her and the 4 year old. Quite different. It's the husband's kids I feel for.

Maybe the dad shouldn’t have had multiple kids by different women then if he didn’t want to involve all his kids on trips to his grandparents.

The op has said loads he can take them out on his own anyway so you are just making it up.

Mickarooni · 02/08/2021 18:06

@Nengineer

No I'm saying that the poor stepchildren are not allowed time with their father alone. The OP sounds insecure as if he should only see them with her and the 4 year old. Quite different. It's the husband's kids I feel for.

@Nengineer

That’s not only what you said. You called their sibling an “add on”. That’s spiteful.

Nengineer · 02/08/2021 18:18

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bringbacksideburns · 02/08/2021 19:37

I see where you are coming from OP. Its a bit mean. They live in a holiday place and you hardly see them. The youngest would have a fab time. Has he given you his reasons - maybe one on one with the oldest kids for a reason, they may be struggling at home or school? He could compromise. You could keep an eye on the 4 year old and he could spend lots of time alone with the others. But still do stuff together.

It is the Summer and it's been a tough year in the middle of a pandemic. It would be nice to spend it all together as a family with all his children.
He could take the older ones away another time somewhere else. They all share the same grand parents.

All I can suggest is he explains to your youngest what's happening and you make plans to take him somewhere nice and to see friends and family too?