AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

[HedgehogHarry]

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

I'm confused by some of these responses, if you said you were taking your child and leaving they SC there'd be uproar! I don't think it's fair, they're all their grandchildren, why leave any of them out? He should take them all imo. YANBU

YABU and controlling.

My sibling has 3 children (all theirs) and our parent’s live 8 hours away. The middle child has visited the grandparents house a few times as they share a hobby. The other two have never been and only see them when the grandparents stay with them once a year.
No one feels aggrieved it just works better.

Sounds like you are more interested in the venue than grandparents though.

I suspect it would be more fun for everyone else without your son

What a horrible thing to say. And something which I'm sure if had been said about the DSC you'd have a problem with.

Everyone would find it so much more fun without the DSC so they should be left. Yeah can't imagine anyone saying that.

I think it's fine, particularly as a 4 yr old IS a lot different to an 8 yr old. A nice chance for him to spend time with his parents and his children. Having said that though, I also don't think it's ok to do it and not do the same with the 4 yr old. I'd want a firm commitment that he intends to take the 4 yr old to see the grandparents and have that same opportunity.

It's already been said that he won't also take. 4yo another time.

I've never seen a thread which highlights the sheer hypocrisy when it comes to DSC and DC as well as this one.

@HedgehogHarry:

CJsGoldfish I think it's fine, particularly as a 4 yr old IS a lot different to an 8 yr old. A nice chance for him to spend time with his parents and his children. Having said that though, I also don't think it's ok to do it and not do the same with the 4 yr old. I'd want a firm commitment that he intends to take the 4 yr old to see the grandparents and have that same opportunity.

This is an example of being fair.

This is an example of being fair

But he won't do that, as OP has already said. So the only fair thing to do is take all and just go out for the day somewhere with older ones when there as OP has suggested.

@HedgehogHarry

If they were down the road or much closer and it was a case of a couple going camping one weekend, the other seeing them the next or in a few weeks time, all going round on a Sunday for tea or whatever it would be very different.

But the fact is this is a trip that happens once, sometimes twice, a year. If our DC doesn't go this time they likely won't see their GPs for quite some time.

Given seeing grandparents is only once or twice a year then you're not being unreasonable saying all the DC should go.

@ShielaSaz I interpreted the below post as the Op doubting her husband would be willing to do that, not that she had communicated this as a suggestion and he said no.

HedgehogHarry

AnneLovesGilbert
If he does this will he also be taking your DC on their own without your DSC?

If not then no, it’s bullshit and completely unfair.

If so then it still warrants discussion but it’s better.

No I highly doubt he'd ever do that.

YABVU

A preschooler is a hell of a lot of work and limits what the older children can do.

My children have exactly the same age gaps, @HedgehogHarry, and we have arranged trips for the older two without the littlest before, including weekends at the grandparents. When s/he gets older s/he will join in too. In those instances I arranged fun stuff for the youngest locally while the bigger ones went away.

You’re taking it personally when it’s not about you, or your child.

@HedgehogHarry Have you discussed with your husband the option of taking his youngest dc up for a visit to his parents without his two older dc?

If your husband has said no to taking your dc for a separate visit in the near future to see his parents, would you feel welcomed by your pil to visit them with your dc for a weekend?

Sometimes problems can be solved when you try to find a win win solution.

Fwiw my dc (my one and only) is her father’s 3rd child (his youngest). I’m not making these suggestions to you from a perspective of someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to have a blended family.

Please keep in mind that mummy and daddy being friends and getting along is far more important to your child then going on this trip will be. So, find a way to create a win win situation with your husband.

Do the PIL ever travel to you? Can you guys go up more frequently?

What does your DH say when you ask him to plan something else?

I think he’s just bring a bit lazy, honestly. Why doesn’t he want you to come too if you’re happy to look after 4yo?

@NeedNewKnees

YABVU

A preschooler is a hell of a lot of work and limits what the older children can do.

My children have exactly the same age gaps, @HedgehogHarry, and we have arranged trips for the older two without the littlest before, including weekends at the grandparents. When s/he gets older s/he will join in too. In those instances I arranged fun stuff for the youngest locally while the bigger ones went away.

You’re taking it personally when it’s not about you, or your child.

I think this is sort of the crux of it - but her DH can just organise a different trip somewhere else fun for the DSC.

If they all saw PIL more frequently then it would be a non-issue - so how can they see them more frequently, I suppose? What’s stopping more frequent weekends being arranged?

I'm with a similar age spread and the 8yr old can keep up with the 11yr old. The 4yr old is in a totally different stage of development. Your youngest has a huge amount of exclusive time with the dad that the older siblings completely lack. Dad can take the 4yr old during that solo time if the grandparents request it. It's possible the GP would like some special time with their son, 11yo and 8 yo.

@Bluntness100

It's not OP's DC's fault the DSC don't see their dad as much so it's silly they lose out.

Who said it was the kids fault. It’s a simple fact of life rhe older kids loose out and in additiona four year old takes a lot more effort and changes a trip.

I see nothing wrong with this, in fact I think it’s some great bonding time, the op can do something cool with her kid.

Well, maybe he can take them to centre Parcs for a weekend then, not the grandparents that the 4 year old then won't get to see for ages.

You don't do this.

Maybe the children have asked for some time with dad and family without their step mum and half sibling. They didn’t choose the new relationship and it’s important they get one to one time with their parent.

It’s fine for the older two to do something, including visiting mutual grandparents, without the 4 year old. A 4 year old has completely different needs to the other two, probably a way more relaxing trip without him/her.

It’s a bit odd to get so agitated about not leaving the 4 year old out, plenty of children with the same two parents don’t do everything together all the time. Are you angry about this because the youngest one is your child and you don’t think he should ever be left out of everything? Because it is coming across as that, and it’s a bit silly. It’s probably also nice for the older two to be able to do something with just their dad and without their halfsibling, after all the 4 year old sees his dad all the time when the older two only have 50/50. Four year olds can be tiring.

@funinthesun19

Yes you are one big family but within that there are little families and you’re bound to sometimes do things when some members aren’t there.

I assume you think the OP, her DH and their DC are a little family separate from the DSC? Somehow I can’t see you saying that.

Well yes they are, for 50% of the time when OPs step children aren't there.

Can you just say if it’s to pil dc and you are going too as it’s not fair on dc? If you want to go somewhere else then by all means just take your sdc, but not when it’s family they’d love to see.

I don't get why you're having a hard time @HedgehogHarry I don't think you are BU in the slightest, I think your DH is and I can't believe he (and some posters) can't see that.

I am petty though, and I would be ensuring the next PIL visit was only my DC. In the name of fairness.

I suspect this would set a precedent for every year.

I can see why OP is worried.

They didn’t choose the new relationship and it’s important they get one to one time with their parent.

The 4 yo didn’t choose having step-siblings either.

If he starts to understand what is happening it will be hurtful. It’s hurtful enough with full siblings.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Maybe the children have asked for some time with dad and family without their step mum and half sibling. They didn’t choose the new relationship and it’s important they get one to one time with their parent.

Not one single poster, including the OP has disagreed with that.

The question is only about the fairness of the 4yo being excluded from a specific trip to see GPs that they all only see once a year. Not about them spending time alone with their Dad.

Gosh, so many family relationships built on jealousy and who got a slightly bigger piece of cake.