AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

[HedgehogHarry]

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

All of them.

I would let him take his DCs, it’s nice to have some time with just him and his kids.
You could also arrange a different weekend when you go without the DC.

I also like to visit my family on my own as it’s a different dynamic.
Do you ever visit your parents on your own?

I'd let them go but I'd be pulling out all the stops for a lovely week at home with my DC. Think overnight stay in theme park hotel like Chessington, water park visit, zoo visit, boat trip...

If they can have a lovely holiday, so can you and your DC.

He should take ALL the children and treat them all the same.

Those referring to the age differences of the dc, this isn't an age restricted type of 'activity' is it? All dc want to see gp, gp want to see all dgc, it's a no brainer.

it's fine for him to take older two. 8 and 11 can do much more different things than a 4 year old. And I'm sure the older children would like some.of theor grandparents time without a small one running around.

At least I know it's absolutely fine to leave DSC behind next time even though they'll be gutted not to come. My DC will enjoy some time alone with their GPs after all, I'm sure DSC will understand. Thanks all

If they get upset we'll just have to tell them that their younger sibling will have a better time without them there so it's tough.

You aren't being unreasonable but there are many things that are far more difficult with a 4 year old in tow, I'm guessing this is in lieu of a holiday and he wants a bit of time with them without their younger sibling having to be considered. A 4 year old won't care that much, take them another time

Of course not unreasonable.

Change it to this and see what poster's say...

My parents in law live miles away and we only get to see them once/twice a year. AIBU to want to take only our joint DC so they can spend some time alone with their grandparents without their older half siblings there? My step children will be upset and would also love to see their grandparents but my child will have a much better time without older children there, it changes the dynamic and their Mum can just take them on some nice days out instead.

It's tough and I see both sides. His older kids never get to spend any significant time anymore with juts their dad, they have all their time with their younger half sibling too. Half sibling gets to spend 50% of their time only with their dad and you. Could he take them for a weekend away somewhere other than the in laws and you'd have less of an objection?

If they get upset we'll just have to tell them that their younger sibling will have a better time without them there so it's tough.

I think you’re being a bit petty now.
Of course it’s fine for you to do stuff without the SDC and I’m sure you do but you don’t tell them their sibling would have a better time without them.

The fact is these are your DHs parents and they probably had lots of trips there before you were on the scene.
It’s nothing against you or your joint child if they want to do things with their own little family.
As a single mother myself I will always do things just me and my DD and that includes spending time at my mums like we always have.

Why don’t you take your son to your parents for the weekend?
You’ll probably find it’s nice seeing them without your DH. Have you never done this before?

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

Your child shouldn’t be left out of seeing her/his grandparents, just because your DH wants to spend time with his elder children. It’s not as if your little one will be able to go next week...

I’d be extremely unhappy about this.

Also to pp: ‘just him and his kids’? His youngest child is no less his kid! And I don’t think OP minds that her DH is seeing his parents on his own. She’s not happy that the youngest is being left at home, when they could very easily be brought along.

Spending time alone with his older children can be done with days out; it’s certainly not fair to take them away on holiday (which is what this basically is) without the youngest.

It’s nothing against you or your joint child if they want to do things with their own little family

Erm the youngest child is part of that family!

I think this thread demonstrates the huge bias many posters to MN has towards stepmothers - no matter the issue .

The very same people who would bash out a vitriolic diatribe towards a sm who wants to take her kids to Disney without the Dsc .. will be the very same who think OPs child should be left behind so dsc get some 'alone time' with dad.

There also appears to be some problems with reading comprehension on this thread, to be very clear;

1. OP is extremely happy for her husband to have some alone time with his children from his first marriage. Just not a weekend to mutual grandparents, doing something that OPs younger child would enjoy. There are plenty of day trips that 8 & 11 would enjoy that are not suitable for a four year old. He should do one of those.

1. If he does go, then he should make a separate appointment to take his younger child to visit gps at another date not too far into the future. Leaving stepchildren behind

Your husband is being selfish in not wanting to take his youngest. Probably because there is more minding in it. This is creating a difference in how he treats his children

Yes he obviously doesn’t want to have to look after a four-year-old.

Not cool.

Do you think that's true OP? That he is taking the eldest two as he can't be arsed to care for your 4 year old alone? Has he ever taken all three of the children to see his parents without you before?

@toocold54

If they get upset we'll just have to tell them that their younger sibling will have a better time without them there so it's tough.

I think you’re being a bit petty now.
Of course it’s fine for you to do stuff without the SDC and I’m sure you do but you don’t tell them their sibling would have a better time without them.

The fact is these are your DHs parents and they probably had lots of trips there before you were on the scene.
It’s nothing against you or your joint child if they want to do things with their own little family.
As a single mother myself I will always do things just me and my DD and that includes spending time at my mums like we always have.

Why don’t you take your son to your parents for the weekend?
You’ll probably find it’s nice seeing them without your DH. Have you never done this before?

I'm obviously not going to do this. The fact is though poster's think it's fine to do this to my child.

Your whole post reads like my DC isn't my husband's child, I'm not sure if you've misunderstood or something? My child is part of that "little family" given that he is also their father and they are also their grandparents.

My 11year old DSC did things alone before my 8 year old DSC was on the scene. It doesn't make it okay to leave the younger one behind.

And yes obviously I've seen my parents but that is not the same. My parents are not my DSCs grandparents, like their mothers parents aren't my child's.

Their Dad's parents are though.

Also to pp: ‘just him and his kids’? His youngest child is no less his kid! And I don’t think OP minds that her DH is seeing his parents on his own. She’s not happy that the youngest is being left at home, when they could very easily be brought along.

But if the youngest came there would be a lot of things they can’t do. That would mean an adult would have to stay and look after the youngest whilst the others are off having fun. There’s a big difference between a 4 year old and 8 and 11 year old.
I enjoy taking my nieces out for the day but there are certain places like certain theme parks or water parks that I can only take the eldest. I do something different with the youngest and I often do things with them all together but sometimes it’s nice to do things with just the older or just the younger ones.

@toocold54

Also to pp: ‘just him and his kids’? His youngest child is no less his kid! And I don’t think OP minds that her DH is seeing his parents on his own. She’s not happy that the youngest is being left at home, when they could very easily be brought along.

But if the youngest came there would be a lot of things they can’t do. That would mean an adult would have to stay and look after the youngest whilst the others are off having fun. There’s a big difference between a 4 year old and 8 and 11 year old.
I enjoy taking my nieces out for the day but there are certain places like certain theme parks or water parks that I can only take the eldest. I do something different with the youngest and I often do things with them all together but sometimes it’s nice to do things with just the older or just the younger ones.

And I've said a few times now I don't mind if they go off for the day and do this, at all. I will happily stay with LO whilst they do. But for LO to not go at all for the whole weekend means they don't get to see their GPs. At least that way they'd get to see their GPs and the older ones could also have some time alone as well.

But if the youngest came there would be a lot of things they can’t do

And again, you can just reverse this.

If the older ones come there will be a lot of things they won't want to do that our younger DC will. Shall we just not invite them?

Yes...and you do those things with the older ones on days out. Or you do them when everyone including mum is visiting grandparents so that one parent can focus more on the little one.

You don’t take some of your children to see their grandparents and leave one behind.

My dc sometimes go alone to gps - Dd1 just went camping with my dad. He enjoyed a bit of 1:1 time with her without the 2 whirlwind younger ones. I don’t see an issue sometimes changing the dynamics.