AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

[HedgehogHarry]

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

@m0therofdragons

My dc sometimes go alone to gps - Dd1 just went camping with my dad. He enjoyed a bit of 1:1 time with her without the 2 whirlwind younger ones. I don’t see an issue sometimes changing the dynamics.

Will your other DC not see your dad now for what could be the rest of the year?

That would be fine if each of the children gets a turn. Which little one likely won’t.

If they were down the road or much closer and it was a case of a couple going camping one weekend, the other seeing them the next or in a few weeks time, all going round on a Sunday for tea or whatever it would be very different.

But the fact is this is a trip that happens once, sometimes twice, a year. If our DC doesn't go this time they likely won't see their GPs for quite some time.

I think he just wants a break from having a 4 yo, which is much harder work than 8 and 11.

I think yanbu and he should be making the effort to reduce any feelings of “separateness” between the children, not increase it. Plus it’s something your 4 yo wants to do. Different if he was taking them somewhere to do activities the little one couldn’t join in on.

Your whole post reads like my DC isn't my husband's child, I'm not sure if you've misunderstood or something? My child is part of that "little family" given that he is also their father and they are also their grandparents.

Your child is your SC half sibling. It’s not inaccurate to say that your DH and his kids were a family before you were on the scene and before your joint child existed.
You can’t erase that and pretend they’re not.

If DHs parents invited you up for the weekend but the SC were with their other grandparents would you not go because it’s unfair that the SC are missing out?
Yes you are one big family but within that there are little families and you’re bound to sometimes do things when some members aren’t there.

Honestly your 4 year old won’t even know that they’ve gone to visit his dads parents and he’ll probably have lots of fun with just you and him.
If you’re worried about him missing out on his grandparents then get your DH to take him another time and you can get a relaxing weekend at home by yourself

But the fact is this is a trip that happens once, sometimes twice, a year. If our DC doesn't go this time they likely won't see their GPs for quite some time.

Can you not invite them to stay with you/close by for a weekend?

Given this is a rare chance to see the GP, I think yanbu and the 4yo should go. It's sad and unfair to exclude him for no good reason.

Yes you are one big family but within that there are little families and you’re bound to sometimes do things when some members aren’t there.

I assume you think the OP, her DH and their DC are a little family separate from the DSC? Somehow I can’t see you saying that.

I’m a big fan of not viewing siblings as an inseparable set

Individuality and individual relationships are important and should be given the priority they deserve

This is not that

If they were close by and visited regularly sure but this is how you stir up trouble in blended families

I assume you think the OP, her DH and their DC are a little family separate from the DSC? Somehow I can’t see you saying that.

Of course they are.
They are a part of a bigger family but they still have their own little family and they’ll do things without their SC like visiting OPs mum or having days over Xmas where they’re celebrating but the SC aren’t there because they’re with their mum.
If OP breaks up with her DH he’d be taking their son to his parents and on trips without her as he’d have a little family with him without OP. If he then had more children with someone else I’m sure he’d do things with just his son he shares with OP.

Christ some people really struggle with reading comprehension.

OP I’d be tempted to delete this and repost without mentioning the SDC and DC, phrase it all as one non blended family, I bet you’ll get some different answers.

For what it’s worth I had a similar situation as a child - no step siblings, but the three of us were similar ages to your SDC and DC, my grandparents moved to the south coast when I was 7, at that point a 7.5 hour drive.

Whilst we might occasionally go separately as we got older and could be chucked on a train - I can’t think of a single time whilst we were younger that we didn’t all go as a family.

My parents wouldn’t have considered leaving one child and one parent behind and I don’t think my grandparents would have been happy about it either.

My dad might go visit his parents on his own if he was working that way but if one child wanted to go then all of us were asked.

How do I explain that? Oh Daddy and your siblings are going to granny and grandads but you can't go.

You put it the other way:
"Hey, we're going to be just us. Isn't that fun. We can do just what we like! What shall we do? Shall we go to the ? Let's have a late night watching a movie together one night" etc.
I know I could easily persuade the one staying they'd got the better deal in my house. The biggest problem would be doing it without them telling the others.

I wouldn’t be happy with this. Not for grandparents the children only get the chance to see once or twice a year.

A trip somewhere or age appropriate day trips is one thing, but visiting grandparents is something the children should get equal chance to do.

Maybe he'd like to go every other year with different sets of kids?
So DSC 2021 then your little one gets to go in 2022? And it will be quality time too, without the older kids getting in the way so absolutely worth waiting two years for. That's no time at all when kids are that young.
Makes total sense.
I'd just ask him to confirm his intentions, because I'd hate to take him for a fucking idiot unfairly.

As long as he does another trip with just your dc without dsc, then it evens out and is fair. And in the future there are trips with all the kids.

Remember, that 50% of the time your dc has you and their dad to themselves without the dsc around. It is unlikely that dsc get the same amount of time with their dad without dc around. So why begrudge them this? Make a compromise that dc gets a trip to the grandparents at another time too.

A bit of compromise and flexibility is good for relationships. Being rigid and uncompromising is not healthy for relationships.

I’m sure OP can have lovely one to one time with her DC while older DSC and Dad are away but it’s not the point. It’s not fair to take older ones and leave younger one behind because younger one wants to go.
Dad should take all children to grandparents together or take older ones at one weekend and younger one at another.
And these weekends should be pretty close not like something next year.

Remember, that 50% of the time your dc has you and their dad to themselves without the dsc around. It is unlikely that dsc get the same amount of time with their dad without dc around. So why begrudge them this?
Not sure what more OP could have said to make it clear that it's not time with dad alone that is the problem, but the opportunity to see grandparents being taken away from one of the children.

Contact time with Dad has no bearing on that whatsoever. 50% or 100%, they still only see their DGPs once or twice a year. Or zero times in the case of the little one if this clown gets his way.

You're taking it a bit personal maybe because it is your child who is being left behind. Your husband is probably just thinking it will be an easier journey and stay without a 4yo in tow. This way the older children and possibly DH wont be restricted by the limitations of the 4yo when it comes to activities.

Also, I really don’t think that your child would have to wait a year before your dh drove them to visit gp. It’s only 4/5 hours drive away which is a long drive but doable. My grandparents were 12 hours drive away and that was with very short rest stops.

@Youseethethingis Not sure what more OP could have said to make it clear that it's not time with dad alone that is the problem, but the opportunity to see grandparents being taken away from one of the children.

Yeah, I totally get that. That’s why I wrote: As long as he does another trip with just your dc without dsc, then it evens out and is fair. And I wrote that in the first sentence.

@Youseethethingis Earlier in the thread HedgehogHarry made it clear that her husband’s reasons were because he doesn’t get to spend much time with his older children alone. I don’t think that has changed, so I wanted to address it.

I don’t think her husband is being unreasonable and if @HedgehogHarry begrudges him this freedom to take his older children to see his parents without the youngest and is unwilling to find a compromise then she is going to create resentment with her husband.

Compromise! It’s not that hard. There are other ways to create fairness.

@Oceanbliss

Also, I really don’t think that your child would have to wait a year before your dh drove them to visit gp. It’s only 4/5 hours drive away which is a long drive but doable. My grandparents were 12 hours drive away and that was with very short rest stops.

How do you know better than the OP how long it will be? She’s said they only see the grandparents once or twice a year so it’s quite possible there won’t be another trip for a year

I don't think it's odd to have different aged kids do different things - if this was not a blended family and you had posted about your DH taking the two older kids I would have still thought it was perfectly okay.

Your 4-year-old won't mind - he'll get you all to himself.

Then you can make sure at another time he gets a special visit of his own. Or in the future there might be a time when the oldest child has another event on and the two youngest go to GPs.

You seem to be turning it into a rejection of your child - which seems to hint at something else not a simple weekend away.

Seems wrong to me.

Your DH just wants as easy life as caring for a 4 year old is much harder work. Plus they will be able to do activities focused more at older children. I suspect it would be more fun for everyone else without your son.
As long as your husband steps up at home it is fine to do this once.