AIBU thinking this isn't fair?

[HedgehogHarry]

1 DC and 2 DSC.

My PIL live around 4/5 hours away in a nice holiday type area of the UK and all the DC love going there.

My husband has suggested that he take his older DC, my DSC, up there on their own for a long weekend during the school holidays because he "never does anything alone with DSC" (not true).

AIBU to think this is really unfair? I absolutely don't have a problem with him doing things alone with his elder DC but I think going to grandparents is different as they are also our DCs grandparents and they all enjoy going there and as it's not just up the road it's not something we get to do often.

AIBU to think he should do something else alone with DSC and save trips to grandparents for all DC?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If you never take the little one anywhere without the DSC he should take them all. If you do, then some alone time with them isn’t anything different than you doing something without them.

I'm not bothered about alone time but no we have never taken our youngest to see mutual grandparents without them for a long weekend (or at all) because DSC would be upset if we did that as none of the children get to see PIL often.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss they’re not the same thing at all???
No one has said Dad can’t do things with only the SC, but taking only them to see their mutual grandparents is mean.
Why can’t dad do another trip with SC and take all of his children to see their grandparents?

@Freddiefox that’s completely irrelevant, OP’s parents are not the SC’s grandparents. I’m assuming the DC doesn’t go to visit when SC’s parents visit their maternal grandparents?

Perhaps the DSC have asked their Dad for some time away from the 4yo?

@Freddiefox

Do you see your parents without the dsc?

Yes, that's not remotely the same though is it. My DSC see their mum's parents without DC. This is mutual grandparents.

Actually thinking about it taking just my oldest away for a long weekend when my youngest is no longer breastfed sounds lovely.

@ViciousJackdaw

Perhaps the DSC have asked their Dad for some time away from the 4yo?

That's fine, they can have time away. I don't see why that means it has to be to their grandparents who our DC would also love to see and miss and would be upset at being left behind.

And again, I've no issue with all going and my husband and PIL taking older ones out for the day whilst me and LO stay behind or do something different. That way they would still get to see their grandparents at least.

@HedgehogHarry is it so different though, you want al the children to be treated the same so surely grandparents are grandparents whether blended or not.

Arrange a trip in a couple of weeks to take your DC somewhere really nice that the DSC would also like to go but don't take them. And then DC can come back and tell them all about how fun it was.

Because that is what he is doing to your DC.

[quote Freddiefox]@HedgehogHarry is it so different though, you want al the children to be treated the same so surely grandparents are grandparents whether blended or not.[/quote]
Yes it's different. My DSC don't see my parents as their grandma and grandad, they never have. They still have a nice relationship and see each other pretty regularly but it's not a grandparent one.

I want theDC to be treated the same in regard to their mutual family. My PILs are no less my DCs grandparents than my DSCs.

How often do you see them? If it’s once a month I think that’s completely different to twice a year.

@clickychicky

Arrange a trip in a couple of weeks to take your DC somewhere really nice that the DSC would also like to go but don't take them. And then DC can come back and tell them all about how fun it was.

Because that is what he is doing to your DC.

Isnt that punishing kids to make a point to an adult? Sounds a bit PA, petty and spiteful.

How do you get on with PIL. Don’t they want to see all the kids?

Also your relationship, is it solid or is he using this as an excuse to not invite you.

The 8 yr old and 11 yr old might have more fun without the 4 yr old. It probably improves their weekend away if they're not burdened by a 4 yr old, regardless of who birthed them all.

Four year old is harder work. He doesn’t want the childcare responsibility so he’s taking the older children who need no parenting and can be put on screens and ignored.

He’s being unreasonable

It’s one weekend. Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why does he need permission?

Would I take my younger one away for a few days while my oldest was at his dads - yes I probably would.

It's more like leaving one of your children at home with your husband whilst you take the other on a trip to see your parents that your other child would also love to go on but you're just telling them they can't go for no reason. Our DC isn't away with their other parent.

@Maybeitstime2021

How often do you see them? If it’s once a month I think that’s completely different to twice a year.

Once a year possibly twice. This is what I mean, this will mean our DC miss out on seeing grandparents they haven't seen for a long time and likely won't again for some time. If he wants alone time with his older DC that's fine but I don't think this is the right thing to use.

@Dragon50 yes. I didn't mean for OP to actually do this but if she suggested this to DH he might see how awful an idea it is.

@CakeandGo

It’s one weekend. Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why does he need permission?

He doesn't need permission but OP can still be upset about the way her son is being treated. It is a big deal as they hardly see the grandparents so would be better to go a day they can all do. Unless DH is planning a trip with just DC the weekend after.

@1mumm

The 8 yr old and 11 yr old might have more fun without the 4 yr old. It probably improves their weekend away if they're not burdened by a 4 yr old, regardless of who birthed them all.

And the 11 year old might have more fun without both of them there but that's life, that's never been any suggestion that the 8 year old gets left behind or vice versa. Older DC may change the dynamic for our younger DC, I wouldn't suggest they didn't come so our DC can have a better time.

@CakeandGo

It’s one weekend. Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why does he need permission?

Because all of the DC rarely get to go. He doesn't need my permission, I can still think it's a shitty thing to do though.

@HedgehogHarry
Exactly, I've got 2 siblings and there was never any talk of leaving the youngest at home to see long distance relations just because the older two might have a better time without them. You go on family visits as a family.

Why is it never ok to leave first children behind, but it’s perfectly ok to leave second children behind?

Imagine the uproar on here if he just wanted a weekend away with his youngest. There would be no excuses about “age gaps”.

If he does this then in my opinion he owes a trip away to your DC just them and no DSC.

@HedgehogHarry yep that’s why I updated my thoughts about it being the other way around.

Was it just him and his older 2 on their own for a while?

Does he have form for deciding to do things without considering you and your joint DC 1st?

It's a crappy thing to do, they are siblings and these are joint grandparents. Either way round it's not on. This is exactly the sort of thing that causes tension in blended families.